kayc

I'd invite them unless it's just really uncomfortable. If they want to go out of town they'll turn you down anyway, but it'll go a ways to bridging the gap.

Evelyn, Happy Birthday! I wish I'd been on line yesterday. I know it's not the same without them, but at least we have our memories...at least we had it once, I remind myself of that, some people have never had it. (((hugs))) Kay

It sounds like depression to me and I would talk to my doctor about it. I have to keep going because there's only me to do it and a limited time in which to take care of things...but if I were retired and had all the time in the world stretching before me, it would be easy to procrastinate and to allow myself to do nothing at all. It's finding that sense of purpose that seems to be the hard thing. Right now my motivator is my dog. My dog is big and unruly and no one else in the world would probably ever want to adopt him, but he has a marvelous personality and is so entertaining and funny and so loving, I find immense joy from him. He is my motivation in keeping going, in getting up and going to work another day, in my struggle to hang on to my home. And I truly enjoy him. Before him...I didn't have that. I think it's important to search for what your purpose is, whether it's a person, an animal, a hobby, or your work, or maybe even religion...it's going to be individual and unique to each one of us.

Deborah, Thinking of you today and praying God will surround you with His peace and comfort. I know it's hard to believe it's been five years and you've somehow survived the unthinkable. The good that came from these tragedies is the knowing you and other wonderful people here on this site.

Oregon is not a community property state and when George died, although he had a small insurance policy, the hospital bills came to much more than that and the sale of his car (I was on the title too and it had survivorship). I assumed I was liable for the bills because the hospital inferred that and they wanted to charge an astronomical amount for interest (I think it was 29%) so I mortgaged my house to pay it all off...I previously had my house title free and clear and had to mortgage it for $72,000. Now all these years later, my GF's husband passed away and she just returned the bills to sender. However, she gets social security, which they can't touch...me, I'm working, I wouldn't want my wages garnished, so I think she's in a better position. I wish now that I'd gotten legal advice before paying all that. I'm not sure they can touch the life insurance since it has a beneficiary, it's not just left to the estate, it's not like a bank account...but even a bank account, if it's joint and has survivorship, belongs to the person that's on the account. I would really consult an attorney in your state to find out what you are responsible for.

Well I have tried my best but I haven't really found much to move on TO. I have my dog and he gives me great pleasure but nothing has been the same since George died and I kind of think that's just how it's going to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's more like I'm just not sure how. In a way I'm happy, but not completely. I've lived on my own for 5 1/2 years now but my son used to pop in and out once in a while and now he's two hours away...I feel pretty much alone. If it wasn't for this constant aloneness and struggle and realizing it may never be any better than this...how do you really find purpose and joy in life? I guess the holidays are hitting me...

How about "Wishing you a wonderful Christmas season" I didn't send out cards the year George died, I just found it too painful to know what to say. (Merry Christmas, my husband died?) You are wonderful to even try...

I hung his stocking anyway and we wrote messages to him and put them in his stocking. I also bought him a new ornament, like always.

It's been 5 1/2 years and even though I remarried (two years but never lived together) I STILL have a hard time sleeping in bed...I sleep in my recliner, and I know several others who do so too. George's clothes are way too big for me but I have worn his robe when I felt a special need to be close to him...I still have it hanging up on my closet door. Your therapist is wrong to tell you to clear his things out. Yes get rid of the dust and vacuum, but you don't need to get rid of his things to "sleep better". That therapist doesn't know what she's talking about. Tell her to lose her husband and THEN give you advice. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't get worked up about it but people like that make me mad. I had a grief counselor that was about as worthless too, but I didn't let him bully me, I stood up to him. He could disagree all he wanted, but in the end, I was the one that knew deep inside what was right for me. (except for the remarriage part, that was a bad idea from the get go). Melina, it hasn't been that long. You can look around my bedroom and STILL find some of George's things...little reminders, the tray he used to throw his trinkets into...they are there with the picture of me he carried in his wallet, the pocketknife and pocketwatch I bought him, his silly little rag he used to clean his glasses with, I used to tease him about it, it had cowboys on it, like something a little boy would like...I can't bear to part with it now. Isn't it the funniest things we hang on to?

We all would do something differently, in hindsight, if we had the opportunity. But the fact is, we do what we do with the knowledge we have at the time. The weekend my husband died, I went to my sister's reunion. I didn't know he had heart trouble and didn't know he was going to die. I wish I'd been there for him, but how would I have known? Fri. night I was 4 1/ hours away when I learned he was in the hospital...I did not have my car with me and my sister, who I'd rode with, did not want to leave and George told me he'd be in testing all day Sat. and to stay put, I wouldn't be able to see him anyway. Sat. night when I talked to him, he was at his lowest...he'd just received the news, most likely, that he was going to die..only he didn't relay that to me. He got grumpy with me, the only time he ever did, and said "I'd have walked around the world on broken glass to be with you." Talk about making me feel bad! But I knew it was his illness talking...my dad had died of a heart attack and my mom said he'd gotten grumpy with it (and my dad was normally the most mellow sweet person). I just acknowledged George's feelings, I didn't argue with him, I said, "I know you would have." But I also knew he wouldn't have wanted me out hitch-hiking in the middle of the night to get home to see him. My sister assured me she'd take me to the hospital first thing Sunday morning. I didn't sleep all weekend. I was ansy. I just wanted to be there with him. She did not get me to the hospital until about 1:30 in the afternoon. Every time she stopped to eat or smoke or go to the bathroom, it was all I could do to hold my peace. There were people visiting him, then they moved him and made me leave, when I was finally allowed back in, he was asleep...he woke up having a heart attack...they threw me out...he died. I never got to be alone with him and have a "last talk". But would it do me any good to feel guilty about it? What could I have changed? I could have not gone that weekend, but how would I have known he'd pick that weekend to go and die on me! He could have caught me on my way out of town because his heart problems started right after I left, but he refused to allow the doctor to call me, not wanting to "wreck my weekend". Did he make the wrong judgment call? Yes! Do I fault him for it? No! He did what he did out of love for me, right or wrong, he meant well...and I always meant well. We loved each other and we both knew it. And that love triumphs anything. Guilt's only purpose is to bring about needed change. Once you've learned and dealt with the issue at hand, guilt serves no more purpose other than to hold you down, which is counterproductive. At that point, guilt becomes shame. Shame's only purpose is negative and should be rejected at every turn. You love your husband, he loves you...and yes I use present tense because that love never ends in death. We will be together again.

Di, Your friend meant well, but she had no business touching his things. That is something we have to do ourselves in our own timetable and we're all different about how we handle it. Some get rid of everything immediately, some create a shrine, most of us fall somewhere inbetween...starting with the shrine, and then little by little dealing with stuff. I STILL have some of George's things out...my son has a lot of his stuff still here so it's not readily apparent to people when they come here, they don't know whose hat that is, etc. But the point is, it's OUR place to decide. If we want help with it, we'll ask for it.

Maybe her being sad wasn't really a bad thing! Maybe it was a good thing. It's good to see things from another's perspective, to walk a bit in their shoes. It's good for her to know just what it is you feel each and every moment of your life. Her life is not immune...she could lose her husband or someone she loves at any given moment...most of us didn't get warning or see it coming, we just got hit with it. Death is a fact of life that people don't want to think about...but that doesn't alter it's coming, and it doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it when it does come. Congratulations on selling his truck, that was a very hard thing to do. I remember all too well cleaning out George's car to sell and cleaning out his trailer to get rid of it...it was very very hard. But you did it, I'm proud of you.

Mark, It'll get a bit better with time, I know it's hard. It's good that your dog isn't suffering though. Remind yourself that it is not the end, you'll be reunited again, a spirit such as there's does not come to an end, just changes form...somewhere up there they wait for us to join them. And if it's not so, don't tell me that, cuz it's all I have to hold on to...my sweet husband and dogs and cats await me.

You did the right thing. Your story is very similar to my story with my cat "King George" (named that to differentiate between my husband George)...I had the cat when I met my husband so they both had the same name. I was told my cat had an abcess above his eye. The emergency vet (my own vet was closed, it was a weekend so I traveled to the city to one of those high faluting places.) examined him, expressed some green stuff out of his sinuses, and showed me how to, (it looked gangrenous) and put him on antibiotics. He ran the course of antibiotics and wasn't any better so I renewed the Rx. Still no better. He was miserable, underweight, you could tell his whole head hurt like 1000 times a head cold, and he wasn't improving. I took him to my vet who examined him and immediately said he had cancer that started above his eye and traveled through his head and he showed me where it came out at, in the roof of his mouth. My God! I felt horrible! My poor cat had suffered so much, so needlessly that last month of his life, when he should have been put to sleep to start with! Nothing was going to make him better! And I think of how stoically he took all that we put him through, the poor baby! He was 19, it was time for him to go in peace. We had him put to sleep and I held him in my arms as he drifted off to cat heaven, dreaming of chopped bacon and catching moles. It is hard for us to let them go, but the truly loving thing to do is what is best for THEM! We are fortunate with animals, we do not have to let them suffer needlessly like us humans go through. Fortunately, this is not the end, we WILL get to be with them again, and I WILL hold my George in my arms again...both George's. Right now I have to content myself that husband George is looking after King George and both of them are waiting for me to join them.

I don't even have to think about that, I wouldn't have missed my time with George for anything in the world! It was the best 6 1/2 years of my life! "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance!" (no can do)

I'm sure I paid attention in class...I just don't remember anything!

I SAW JIM LAST NIGHT! He initiated a chat with me and invited me over to see what all he's done on his place. I was real proud of myself. I held back emotionally, kept telling myself "he's not relationship material", he chattered about 2 1/4 hours, it was good to see him but I kind of look at him differently now. Still think he's cute, darn. it went well, I didn't get emotional, didn't cry during or after, didn't say I love you, and I ended the visit myself. Pat myself on the back, I followed all the rules. He's talked to his exGF Stephanie, don't know when but within a couple of months I'd say, probably before he lost the landline. I just tell myself bully for them. It was good to get home and see Arlie, he's bottled up full of energy.

We salute your Buck, and all of the other veterans around the world! I'm sure your heart is with him today...but then it always is.

wmjsca, How I can relate to you! I was abused as a child too...my mom is literally nuts, my dad was alcoholic (he passed away nearly 29 years ago). I've had six major relationships, only one was good (3 divorces, 2 broken engagements)...I'd waited a long time for him and we were so happy...and God took him. So I can totally relate! It's not something we've done. It just is. Even when you play a game of cards, someone gets the sh_tty hand...I guess that's true in life too and we got it! But that doesn't mean that all of life will be bad, there's still a lot of years left and we really don't know what they hold. Just remember, when you're all the way down, there's nowhere to go but UP!

Wow, how interesting that Canada has their Remembrance Day and we have our Veterans Day at the same time! Incidentally, my son went into the Air Force on Veterans Day 8 years ago.

Chutes and ladders...yep, three steps forwards, two steps backwards. But just remember, overall, we're progressing, even when it's a backwards day. As for your SIL's comments, totally unwarranted. I'm afraid I'd have to let her have it!

I'm sorry, I'm sure she was focusing on her situation and not thinking about yours at all. When I was married to my kids' dad (23 years) I always enjoyed it when he went on his elk hunting trips because he'd be gone for nine days. He was controlling and perfectionist and I enjoyed the breather...I could fix simple meals, take a break from the never ending salads, do things I liked to do, stay up as late as I wanted without hearing someone complaining about it. But I missed him too...somewhere around day 7. Of course when I was married to George I never felt the need for the breaks, he treated me like a queen and we were very close, so it was a very different situation. It could be your friend has the first situation instead of the latter. You're right though, we only wish we had that problem to face! I'd give my right arm to have George back.

Happy belated birthday Mary! You don't seem 65. I wish he was here to share in it with you but I'm sure he's thinking of you all the same.

I'm sorry you had such an unexpected shock...that's how it was for me too...my husband died of a heart attack when he'd just turned 51 that week. He wasn't overweight, we had no idea he had heart problems. He was the love of my life so it's been a huge adjustment having him gone. But as you can see, that was 5 1/2 years ago and somehow I've survived. You will too. The feeling up and down comes with it, it is a rollercoaster of emotions, but you do learn to ride them out. Just be ever so kind to yourself and know that your experience is unique and normal. We're here any time you need to vent, cry, question, or talk.

I have to echo what Marty said. I'm so sorry you're living with the aftermath of Melissa's choice...I'm sure she was focusing on her own pain instead of what she'd be putting you through...that's why suicide is never a good choice, it just funnels the pain to those who are left...it's a permanent answer to temporary situations. You will get through even this hearing situation because you have already shown yourself to be a survivor. It's not insurmountable. I may find myself there someday too, I have hearing loss in both ears and can't afford hearing aids...I'm blowing the speakers in my t.v. and stereo because of it. Mine was from husband #1 beating me and a job that had excessive vibration but had failed to get a base line for their office workers so there was no recompense for it. Alas, we live with what we must. Just know that you can bring your problems here and we're here to listen...we may not be able to change your situation, but we can give you our caring. (((hugs)))