kayc

Melina, The way you are feeling is to be expected. Somehow we find the strength to go on from within ourselves, but it's not easy and at first we don't even have the "want to". I can't say as I've found any great purpose in life or anything that piques my interest, but I try to stay in today and that helps. I've learned to try and enjoy the little things for what they are and not expect anything great and wonderful like I had before. I hope that helps, it's all I have.

Right now I'm trying not to think about outcome or what'll happen, just staying in the present and giving him the time and space he needs to go through what he's going through. I still love him and I do miss him, but I'm trying to keep everything in mind. I couldn't go back with him without working through the issues and it'd be hard to trust him, I just don't feel quite the same as I did before, but that could be a moot point so I don't worry about it unduly as we may just stay on a friendship level. Right now there are just too many unknowns to be able to conclude anything. I've just had to step way back and let go.

Melina, How hard to come back to work and find everything moved and in a state of upheaval! I hope that next time they have your computer set up, it doesn't take that long, they should have had it ready for you. I know what you mean because when my husband was alive he would call me at noon and also at 5:00 and on Fridays he would show up at my office right before I got off, with a dripping ice cream cone for me. He'd be all dressed up and snazzy looking and ready for "our time" to start. When I went back to work, the absence of his calls and his showing up really hit me. Friday nights and Saturdays were the worst..."our time" was gone. Eventually you get used to it, but it takes time and patience to get there. I wish there was some way to avoid it. (((hugs))) Kay

Thank you, all of you. It's funny how it's just a number and a day, but it brings it all right back. My life has not been the same since he passed and I can't say as I've been truly happy in the sense that I was before. I've had periods of contentment, periods of it being "okay", but not truly "happy"...it just seemed so perfect with him. Sigh...gosh I miss him.

Lainey, To me, I was glad when the first year was over because it marked all of the anniversaries of my first year without him (first Christmas without him, first birthday without him, etc.) and I knew once I got through all that, I'd somehow survive. But you are going through anniversaries of his illness (one year since diagnosis, etc.) and it conjures up all of the old memories. There is a thread that has helped me tremendously in understanding memories and how the brain works and I want to post it here for you, the person signs in as Mark1952 (it is a marriage site on the subject of infidelity so some of what is discussed is different but the application is the same in that we're talking about managing painful memories and how to deal with them). http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454 I love how he explains it and it has been of immense help to me. (((hugs))) Kay

I like that. You aren't the only one, Rachel. I was taken by surprise at just how hard it was to lose George...I was "the strong one", I thought I could handle anything...wrong!

Never out of my heart, never off my mind. If you were alive George, we'd be at the coast right now, holding hands on the beach... I love you always, Your Little One

I add an amen to Cheryl's post. Yes there are triggers, gazillions of them it seems, esp. in the beginning. The stupidest things even. I shared a story once about how I took my car in for repair and was riding the shuttle they provided back to work (about a year after George died) and all of a sudden I started bawling because I realized George had ridden that same shuttle! They must have thought I was nuts! It's something I can almost laugh about now, but at the time, it was acutely painful. Triggers erupt out of nowhere and can strike at any time. A song, a color, a scent, a memory, anything, everything. We are never going to stop remembering them. But these triggers will become more manageable with time. Now I think of things or a reminder comes and I seldom cry. I've learned it's futile, it doesn't change anything, noone seems to hear or care, I've quit crying. But then it's been 5 1/2 years for me. When did I reach this point? I don't know, it was subtle adjustment. I know I cried the first three years, and then it slowly ebbed, very gradually. Do I forget him? No, never. When I see jewelry or a stamp or something he gave me, when I see the patio rail he built, when I have no one to help me move the refrigerator so I can clean behind it, when I sleep alone night after night, I am reminded, but I've just learned to live with it. Maybe our tears dry up after a few years, maybe we just cry on the inside.

Of course you can keep crying to your mom! That's part of what moms are for! My daughter is 28 years old, if she lost her husband I would WANT her to turn to me, I would WANT to hold her! The love we have for our kids is immeasurable! Yes we can lose another person to death...that is the risk we take, but it is a risk worth taking to have the experience of being with them, because otherwise life would just be so void of pleasure and meaning. Whether as a friend or spouse or sibling or whatever the relationship, we do have to go on loving and sharing in other's lives. We try not to worry about what could happen and instead focus on the present, today, right now. TODAY we have this person in our lives to share with...so enjoy your friends, your family, pets, etc. Enjoy each moment you have. That is one of the things that came home to me in George's death. Thank God George and I loved to the fullest and didn't waste time bickering, because we can have no regrets now...but even so, I now have a heightened sense of enjoying each present moment, knowing I cannot take it for granted. If only everyone else lived that way!

Jay, All of us feel that way when we lose a spouse. Eventually we get used to it but we never learn to "like" it. How can we? And platitudes like "all things work together for the good..." don't even seem to apply here. For the good of whom? Us? Not hardly! I don't see how anyway. Maybe eventually it will be good again...when we die and join them. Right now we just do the best we can with what we're left with. I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sorry all of us have.

Well Jim and I have been talking about every other day but I don't hold any grand illusions that we'll get back together. Mostly I try not to go there. I've tried to back up and just be friends. It's hard. It seems like it set me back at first because of my emotions but I'm doing better. I don't feel the same way that I did before. Obviously he doesn't feel the same way that he'd led me to believe the first 13 1/2 months. I wish I knew what was going through his head but maybe even he doesn't know that. I guess by his breaking up with me, losing me was a risk he was more than willing to take and that says a lot to me. This is something I have to keep in mind. What he did and how he did it is totally unacceptable to me. Now if we can come out of this friends, that's cool. I do still like him and enjoy his company...well that is if I had his company. I don't give place to it all the same way I once did. I guess you know if someone can hurt you so badly and not be bothered by it, they aren't to be that coveted, right?

Keep reading and posting, it helps to get it out and to know you aren't alone.

By staying in the present. I try not to borrow trouble or worry about tomorrow...it is what it is. And most of what we worry about doesn't come to pass so then we've wasted boundless energy if we're worried about what we cannot change anyway.

I felt that way too. Now I don't really think about it like that, it just is what it is. I don't know why some get to make it to their 50th and others get gypped. That'd be something to take up with the big guy I guess. I haven't ever heard any answers to that though.

It is hard. My son was in the service when George died, and it hit him hard. I just basically told him he was grieving and it's normal and it's okay to cry, and it'd take time.

I wish I had an answer but alas I spend all my time at work or home too. For myself it's largely because I don't have time to do anything else because there's just me to do it all, but that doesn't help you get out around people either. This is just a hard place to be in.

That is so beautiful. I can only imagine how she must feel as I have a 28 year old daughter and I'd rather die a thousand deaths than have her go through what I have been through, the loss of my husband. I'm glad you have your mother.

I'm not sure that moving forward is something we learn so much as we just have to do, and it takes time. This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.

Sad but true.

Rachel, You didn't screw anything up. It sounds like the hospital could have been more communicative. Beyond that, sometimes it just happens like this, I don't know why. Nothing you said or did could have changed it. I'm sorry you're hurting. (((hugs)))

I think all of us wonder the same thing, Korina. Someone once said God needed someone good in His life so He took George. Maybe. I sure could use someone good in my life too.

Exercise is good, but not right before bedtime if you're having insomnia. Try Sleepytime Tea, soft music, routine, going to bed same time every night, relaxation techniques, Yoga, winding down before bedtime, no caffeine.

Logan, Welcome to this site, it is a very special place. You have been dealing with a lot of losses, one right after another. It hasn't given you a chance to deal with one before getting hit with another. I can relate. My husband died in 2005, and his cat left shortly afterward. My old cat died a year later, about the same time I lost my job. I then lost my new cat that I'd gotten after losing my husband. I remarried and that husband left me two years later after a very tumultuous marriage (long story elsewhere on forum), and the same week my dog died. This year I got engaged and my fiance recently broke up with me. Oh and my job I've had for four years...they quit paying me...and my transmission went out on my truck (I live in the snowy mountains). My mom has mental disorders and is going downhill fast and my FIL is in an assisted living facility (he's 91). Two of my sisters were dying recently, it turns out one is going to make it, the other, no but we have her digression slowed down. Life can certainly be challenging, it seems there are continual changes. You don't say how old you are, but I am in my fifties and I never expected it to be quite so difficult at this age. You ask how we cope...one day at a time. I got a new dog nearly two years ago and it's the best thing I ever did, he is my companion and incentive in life. He brings me the greatest joy. I guess we all have to find our own way, and our grief timetables vary, but one thing is for sure, here on this site, we have been through everything together and encouraged each other through it all. It's a great place to be. You're doing the right thing by seeing professionals and seeking help. This can be a whole lot to handle and it helps to have some guidance and direction. We're here any time you need to vent or talk.

Your plans sound better than mine...I plan to clean house, stack wood, cook, do dishes, laundry, and weatherize the house. If I get bored I can do some weed whacking! LOL I think it's good to give some thought about the weekend, it seems to help us handle it better if we're busy.

While it is a disappointment and may reveal to you that she isn't the kind of friend you want and need, at least she is honest. You know where she stands and you know not to count on her. My friends dropped off the face of the earth when George died, unfortunately, I don't think it's that uncommon. On the other hand, my little sister's friend lost her husband recently and my sister invited her over on the one month anniversary of his death...I was really glad to see her reach out to her and also that she accepted her invitation. Sometimes people don't know what to do or say so they do nothing, but my sister watched me go through it so she at least has a clue. I'm sorry your friend isn't there for you, I hope you can find new friends that are deeper.