kayc

They're beautiful!

Two years? She did well then.

Janice, I think the getting out of your comfort zone is for later. I think if you listen to that inner voice you'll know what is right for you right now. If it's causing you so much depression and anxiety, I don't see as it's a help, more of a hurt. You're right, making friends does take a long time.

Oh Karen, she is cute! She reminds me of my Arlie with her alert happy look, that's how he looks in the face. He also has those erect ears. My dog hasn't dropped a ball in the middle of my food, but he has his way of getting my attention, NOW! LOL

We have a two drawer chest, the upper one was his mementos, the lower one was mine. So I have both, and it's very tough. To try and look at them is to open yourself up to the most extreme pain. I have gone through and looked at them,usually when I was looking for something specific and so I was forced to see those too. I decided not to yesterday. If I can't do it this far out, I don't know if I ever can. But I won't get rid of them. It's just like, I bought some scrapbooking stuff to do his life with, shortly after he died, but I can't make myself do it, it's still too painful. I'm not sure it will ever happen. I should have done it shortly after his death when I was still in a numb fog.

Gwen, we've had many on this site with their own health issues and I can assure you that you are not alone in how you are feeling. When my heart stopped during surgery a year ago and they had to give me thrusts to the chest to restart it, and I kept stopping breathing for hours afterward, the only one who even called and checked on me was Anne (Enna). The person who was supposed to look after me did not, the church was supposed to bring in meals and left me stranded, I was scared. I came home to an empty house, not knowing if I could get back up when I sat down! It is times like these that we most feel our aloneness. The one who is left behind very much feels how alone they are, for the person we counted on most is gone. A friend of mine has been given six months to live, he has a fast growing Leukemia, and his biggest concern is not dying, but what will become of his wife. They're planning on moving closer to relatives so she can get help with taking care of him at the end and so someone will be there for her after he's gone. I hope their relatives come through, we all know how iffy that can be. Gwen, I wish there were some words to reassure you. I know we've had our own brave people, Anne, and fae (feralfae) who have gone through so much, but making it through their challenges. I, too, would fear most, my loss of independence, and can really understand your concern. I pray it doesn't come to that. My best friend, Virgie, had a series of strokes, one from which she had to learn to walk and talk again, but she did it! She lived alone, and a friend came and stayed with her at first, she had therapy, and now she's remarried and just bought some horses! Her life did not end with her strokes, but she did have to do some rebuilding. I know someone else that went through it too, and she assigned each of her friends a time to come stay with her, and she went through her PT and she's recovered now.

I do know what you mean, even now it is still painful for me to look through the cards he gave me, but I might try to do that today and see how it goes. Funny, I derive pleasure in the little notes he left me around the house. It's weird how it hits how it will and is different for everyone.

I know there's someone in your heart today, someone you are missing...and I just want you to know I understand your ache and am thinking of each of you.

Thank you for sharing your pictures, you look like you had a great Valentine's Day. And you too, Butch, it was always special to us too. We used to have banquets at our church on Valentine's Day with quartets singing love songs, our church doesn't do that anymore, I miss it.

I'm glad your friend called you Janka. My sister was gone the last two weeks and is finally back now, plus I didn't hear from my other friend until last night, so it's good to have someone to talk to again.

Mitch, I remember your story so well, it brought back memories of them working on George trying to restart his heart, his chest looked like they beat up on him, but all for naught. It is a terrible memory, isn't it. It seems they really let your wife down...and you with her. I'm so sorry, I know it's haunting.

HH, I didn't realize she had CHF, my friend Jim has that. Yes they're limited in amount to drink. Sucking ice cubes might have helped quench her thirst without the added liquid, but hindsight is always easier. I understand your regret, I just hope you can be kind to yourself while you're at it.

Margaret, Much of the time that is all I have known to do, "Keep on keeping on." If I ever quit I don't know what would have happened to me. You and your mom are in my prayers.

I'm sorry all of you are facing that, I know what a trigger those places can be.

I like being home, but sometimes I do feel alone. There is a difference between coveted solitude and forced loneliness. And sometimes enough is enough. I woke up at 1 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm hoping to get a catnap before taking on the day.

I hope you find a job where you are treated well and enjoy the work, even if it means having to downsize financially, sometimes it's just worth it. I've never quit a job without having one to go to, it was just how I was raised, and yet in looking back I see how detrimental my last job was to me mentally and physically. Sometimes allowing that healing inside gives us a clearer perspective to plan for our near future.

Kevin, I'm sorry. I, too, wish I knew of some way to bring comfort, but alas I know there is no comfort for the pain you are going through, there is only to go through it. I hope for you also to not have to experience this for a long while, you have had too much lately. I'm glad you were able to bury him without a problem.

I'm sorry you feel lonely. I do too sometimes. (((hugs)))

You bought gatorade and a humidifier and soup because you were lovingly trying to help him. If anyone is to blame it is the hospital that told him he was fine and sent him home. I don't know why they missed it. Why did the doctor miss my husband's heart condition when he was complaining of shortness of breath, tightness, etc. He should have been sent to a cardiologist, but he was sent home. And he died. It happens every day, same story, different details, other hearts broken. The truth is, even our medical care is broken, they are human, they make mistakes, they don't take us seriously, it's not their lives changed forever! It's yours and mine. I didn't get to say goodbye either, and I regret that, but I'm not sure it'd make any real difference in the end, because we'd still be apart. Yes, you're right, here, we just know. We all live it.

Janka, It seems that is all we can do, draw a boundary and not let them hurt us any more. New ones may, although we learn and allow those possibilities less, it seems some think of new ways to get at us. I don't want to lose the ability to trust, but neither do I want to be naive and give my heart away to those undeserving.

Butch, After I suffered loss, I began to hear how we needed to find our "new normal" and I didn't know what that meant. I know the old normal is gone forever and comparisons about life before and life after hit you without bidding, we can't stop it from hitting but we can choose not to focus on that stark reality change. It's hard, it takes effort, anyone who has gone through this grief knows how draining it is on our energy! I guess it helps to be thankful for what still is, that is your son and his wife and two little boys and the new life being brought to you, a little granddaughter. It is weird getting at this end of life and seeing our children in the prime of their lives, where ours once was, and knowing that we are on the other end of that spectrum. It seems like it all went so fast and it was just yesterday when we were raising kids and our life was full. But our life isn't over, it's just changed! We have life's gift of perspective and slowing down, knowing what's important and what isn't. We have something to offer.

How is it you feel you let her go? This wasn't within your realm to stop! People make their own choices, including their diet, taking care of themselves. I have a sister that is not taking care of herself, and I know she's hastening her death and nothing I can do about it. She insists on smoking, eating unhealthy, refusing to get exercise. I hear her wheezing. I'm going to feel angry when she dies because I'll know it was unnecessary, but this is her choice and not mine! We've talked about it but she feels this is her choice, her "quality of life" and doesn't want to live any other way, even though it will cost her family dearly in the end. I'm sad you are going through so much, but I hope you can come to the realization that this is not your fault. You say your father and brothers were there, yet that didn't change anything, I think you're putting way too much on yourself. As a mother, I can't imagine she would want you feeling this way. I was in my 20s when I lost my dad, but it was his genes, not his lack of care, that took his life. I felt gypped that he wasn't able to be there for the birth of my first child, he missed so much, and it feels unfair that some people's dads live into their 90s while my own died too young, but there isn't anything any of us could have done to have changed it...and the truth is, there may not have been anything you could have done to have changed your mom's death, even if you had been able to regulate everything.

I am so sorry your cousin took his life at such a young age, and you, also so young, are left dealing with it. I was friends with a family whose son I worked with, and he took his life. He was seeing a therapist and they were going to switch his medicine on Monday, but over the weekend he took his life. I honestly doubt there's anything you could have said or done to stop it, once they've decided that's the only way out, they choose that. It's a horrible disease! I've battled depression but mine is mild compared to what others suffer, for I always feel it's not that I want dead, but rather I don't want to go through the circumstances I have to go through to live, and yet I do, because like you say, you have to stick it out for anything to get better. That and I could never do that to anyone that loves me. Life is a gift, and it's so important to view it like that! At the age of 18 you don't have the perspective sometimes needed to see you through. I think you told him the right things, but he was stuck and couldn't seem to get himself out of it. My mom was depressed, and my sisters have also battled it, so I wonder that it's genetic. It's good to get help when you need it, and I don't know who all he talked to about it but it warrants professional help. I'm glad you were there for him and I'm sure that helped him hang on as long as he felt he could. For now, his battle is over, but it's left you with one, and that's the unfairness of suicide. My heart goes out to you. You may want to see a grief counselor to help you through this, it's a lot to handle on your own.

HH, I feel for you, I know all too well what you're talking about, after 45 years of being Office Mgr & Bkpr. I like reception but it doesn't pay as well, Bkpg pays better so I opted for it. My favorite jobs were ones where I had a variety of duties and didn't just sit and do the same thing day after day, more challenging and interesting that way. I've saved companies from embezzlers, helped put them behind bars, I could write a book with the things I've seen and done in my career. I'm just glad to have it over at last. Although I have to admit, if Creative Composites was still in business, I'd work until I was 70, at least! But then it was local, I didn't have to commute 100 miles a day for it. And I was appreciated and treated well.

deb1, At least you talked to your mom often and tried to be there for her as much as you could, I'm sure that made quite a difference to her. And thank God she had her beliefs, that gave her something to hope in and look forward to. Depression is a hard disease, there's no way to talk someone down from it, it takes professional help and even then, it doesn't always bring them out of it.