kayc

Jan, that IS a positive, I have found the same thing to be true, that they are with us as surely as they were before.

As George is Native American, we had a dream catcher high up on our living room wall...where Arlie ate it. I have no idea how he reached it. They have always had meaning for me, and perhaps someday I'll have another one. fae, I will breathe a sigh of relief when at last you are home. I am glad you have had someone to be there with you through this. Mary, I can't imagine what you are taking on, but I know you are a blessing to all who have the fortune of contact with you.

What many fail to realize is that all deaths are not the same, and thus all loss/grief is not the same. I have lost many people in my life and I can assure you, some were harder for me to get through than others. It depends on the depth of the relationship and how intertwined your existence was with one another. Losing my husband was by far the hardest. But I think if I were to lose a child or one of my sisters, it would be extremely hard too. My sisters and I have been there for each other all of our lives, through thick and thin, we are closer than most, regardless of preferences or beliefs. And children...there's just something about having them precede you in death that would make one feel it was unnatural and not the course things were meant to take...our children came from us, we are not prepared to lose them! Still others find losing a parent particularly difficult, or perhaps a friend that was closer than a brother. When someone thinks we should have been over it by now or some such ridiculous thing, it shows they have not experienced loss in the way we have. Perhaps they lost someone that wasn't as close to them and they are comparing it to that, or perhaps they have never even lost anyone. It shows their ignorance on the subject...lucky them that they have been spared this so far!

Just a few days after George died, the social security office told me our marriage "ended in death" and I erupted in tears and cried all the way home, so hard I had to stop on the way. I didn't ask for our marriage to end, and neither did he, and it seemed unfair that the gov't or anyone else should pronounce it so...at best it seemed incredibly insensitive for them to say that aloud. I think you'll find as you go through this grief journey, that you still carry your Paula with you, for she never leaves you, she lives in your heart. It will be to her you continue to turn, for comfort, solace, strength, even as it's her physical presence you grieve. I'm sorry you were left with so many infirmities with your accident. Some of what you have learned in dealing with overcoming that tragedy will probably aid you as you overcome this one, for many of the same principles apply regardless of the situation. We do not get a say in the hand we are dealt, only in what we do with it. In the beginning it is enough just to stay alive and breathe, but as time goes by we begin to process and learn and it is then that the challenges confront our focus.

Thank you, Mary...God be with you and Butch as you help our Shannon. Please keep us abreast of her progress.

Dan, I am so sorry you lost your beloved Judy. This is a very caring site and we all welcome you here, and yes there are plenty of men here, although many of them seem to be taking a break for now. I'm glad you are in a group and hope you will eventually feel comfortable enough to share with them. This place is very safe place to share your feelings and experiences, you can be as anonymous as you choose to be. I hope you will do some reading here so you can see that much of what you are going through, others have also. You are not alone. If you search any of our posts, you can read our posts from the early months of loss and I'm sure you see we have cried out the same things as you may be feeling right now.

Anne, I pray they find what is causing it and that it can be easily corrected. I am certain that Benji was sent to you for you to love and care for him and for him to bring you love and joy, and I don't think the placement was a mistake by any means. Unfortunately, with love often comes fear as we await the outcome. Do please keep us posted as soon as you know something, and know you and little Benji are in our prayers.

Thank you, both of you. I just got my pickup back from some needed maintenance and they told me the "noise/banging" I've been hearing is...I need a new exhaust system. Someone had cobbed together an exhaust pipe (the thing that goes to the muffler) in such a way it is barely hanging on and bangs against something else which will eventually wear a hole in it or it will just fall off...not a good prospect. Since I can only imagine what the bill would come to if I took it to a specialist or dealer, I am hoping to find a less expensive solution. That, however, is not the financial planning I was referring to...that is a mere blimp in the overall scheme of things.

Pollara, I am sorry he wasn't mature enough to be real and honest with you. I asked Jim the same thing, was there something else in our relationship that he'd considered breaking up with me and he adamently denied it. Since he seems to be cowardly I don't know if that's the truth or not. It would be so much easier if these guys would be honest and real with us, that we could handle...it might hurt in the beginning but we could move on...it's the lack of closure and not understanding what's going on that made it so hard. In the end, I had to do what was best for me, regardless of his responses or lack of them, and I think that's true for all of us, regardless of what the outcome is.

Hi, I am sorry for what you have been going through and are even now experiencing. I am familiar with Aspergers because my ex-fiance has it. As such, he has OCD and his communication is different than most people's. It might have helped had your BF communicated in a very direct way what he wanted from you. Aspies have a very difficult time reading minds, if the rest of us do, it's way harder for them because it's hard for them to read/judge clues, whereas most of us pick up on body language, tone, etc. I'm not really sure what you're hoping for here, if you just want understanding or if you want to learn from your past mistakes. I hope you realize that whether or not you resume a relationship with your ex or not does not lay with you, but him. We can't change or control the other person, but it is important that we respect them and their boundaries. Threatening suicide can be a form of manipulation that is really unfair to others. It's trying to make others responsible for the outcome of our life, when really, only we are responsible for that. If you truly felt suicidal, the best thing to do is to seek professional help asap. Your ex isn't responsible for whether or not you want to live or die, or feel depressed. I do hope you can focus less on the relationship/breakup and more on helping yourself glean the tools you need to make your life healthier and happier. If you are without a job for a year and no desire to look for one, that's an indication of depression, to the extent you could benefit from therapy. I also hope you realize by now that we don't need another person to complete us or make us happy. That said, going through a breakup is very hard, and it hurts. Loss takes time to process and we need to fully grieve that loss and hopefully utilize the lessons we learn in that grief journey to better our lives and well-being. That doesn't mean you will feel the way you did when you were in a relationship together. Is it possible that the relationship wasn't as wonderful as you might have thought, but rather that you didn't see the problems in it? Just wondering, I think all of us have asked ourselves that question that have ended up here. As Pollara mentioned, it's good to spend time learning to enjoy the present rather than concerning ourselves about the past. I've heard it said that dwelling on the past invites worry and on the future invites anxiety, but living in the present we full experience the joy of what IS, rather than what isn't.

Shannon is very much in our prayers, thank you for letting us know. I appreciate that you keep a close eye on her, she's certainly had her plate full. Our condolences to both of you as well in losing Leo.

Mary, I can't imagine attending something that touches on grief with such magnitude, it must be very emotional and exhausting! I'm sorry you felt sick last night, I don't think I could handle your pace. I need some prayer in the next few months, I have some "financial planning" decisions to make that will affect my entire future and am trying to make sense of it all and am praying for guidance in knowing what to do. It's not simple because other things enter in (boss, gov't decisions, etc).

Everyone has to decide for themselves what they will/won't put up with and how long they will do it. But we all need to look out for our own well being first and foremost because if we don't, nothing's going to be any good anyway.

I understand...it's one thing to tackle things we can control, another to tackle things we can't...and we can't control people, just our responses. The outdoors is a whole different ball game! I'm sorry your friend had to cancel on you...enjoy your pedicure and lunch!

fae, I'm sorry this has been so hard for you...I am not a stranger to hard places and know what it is to have fear inside. Please tell that fear for me, to knock itself down, it doesn't have any place with you! Of course you didn't have anything in you for that woman, I wish she'd have realized you are going through enough and don't need that. I wish I could stand guard for you and not let those ruffians have audience with you! Remember, people will learn what is true so hold your head up and don't give them any power. I'm glad you're taking a break and are in a "safe place" right now. Sometimes there's a time for hibernating...been there too.

Shannon, It is enough just to get through today. Focus on today. You are trying to get well, and your job today is to rest and drink plenty of fluids, eat a little something, perhaps some soup, whatever you can tolerate. Maybe try listening to some soft music. Rest...

Chris, I have learned to not fight the pain, but to accept it, embrace it when it comes. If I need to weep, I weep. I feel the missing him, I allow myself to feel it, I don't try to squelch those feelings. Nothing about my life feels the same as "before", nor do I expect it to. I have a different life now, a different chapter. I enjoy time with my dog. I try to get out some on the weekends so the aloneness doesn't swallow me. I take care of myself and have learned to value myself. It has been a learning chapter of my life.

I'm sure you have a lot of resting up to do...maybe try some of the meditations Mary and Marty and Anne have posted on this site, it's good to be still and quiet and let your soul rest, when we are most depleted, you find it refreshing, then after a time, you come to feel you need/look forward to it.

Shannon, did you have to go to the hospital for intravenous fluids? Please continue to keep us posted how you're doing! Hang in there...

Anne, I esp. love that second picture, great profile! He is so adorable. Do keep us posted when you get the results back...praying, crossing fingers, I'd even say a Hail Mary if I knew how!

Glad to hear you made it home safely! After my experience the night before last, you can't take anything for granted!

You're so right, hockeymom! I'd rather have two good friends than 100 that just aren't there in the same way I am for them. People view friendship differently, I read an article years ago that really helped me understand it in a non-judgmental way. It's more about us finding that good "fit". Some view a friend as someone they can share everything with, want to talk on the phone the second you get home, want all your time, want you exclusively. I find that smothering, they're needy. Some just want it in name only, like mere acquaintances, that's fine, but I don't call that a "friend". Some want friendship for fun, but don't expect anything from them. That's fine as long as you realize you can't count on them, and don't pour too much of your life into them either. Others are true blue, anything you need, they're there, now I call that a friend, and I'll reciprocate!

NS: There is something about the finality of death that hits you...I am glad you had your wife with you. I read my cards (when my husband died) as they came but re-read them two years later and some of them I didn't even remember getting! It's common for your brain to be all foggy in the early stages of grief.

I've heard juicy fruit gum works on moles, you have to get it down into their tunnel though. The USFS used it. I don't know if it'd work on your critter or not. Yes, seems I remember that movie too, it was hilarious! Mary, what a sweet recollection of Bill you shared, I love that! That's the kind of love we shared as well. So glad to hear Bentley gave you a warm welcome. Arlie did the same thing with me last night (could he have know what a close call I had, that I was so upset?), he had to get my attention and make me stop and listen to him, he had quite a story to tell me!

Your feelings are very understandable! I would be beyond comprehension if this happened to my Arlie. I can't even imagine all you and your Colbie have gone through in this horrid experience. I am so sorry! I do totally understand your wanting what you had happen to you, to never happen to someone else. Your poor dog! I hope you have documented everything to back up your claims so you don't get hit with a libel suit from the vet. You have been through enough. It is very hard when a dog dies prematurely. I'm sure you are feeling very gypped right now. I am glad you and Colbie had each other, it's obvious how much you care about her. Do you have a picture of her you could share with us? One way of helping you through this grief might be to write a sort of journal of the experiences you had with Colbie (Mark wrote about his Bicky in this section). It memorializes them and thus keeps them alive, so to speak, for everyone to know. I know it helps me to talk about my departed loved ones to those who knew him/her, it just helps to know they will not be forgotten, and frankly, they are just too special to let that happen. My sincere condolences and (((hugs))) being sent your way.