kayc

Connie, Wow, he must have been a fascinating person! I love hearing everyone's stories about their spouse. They were special people or we wouldn't be here missing them. My dad served in Korea too. And to have performed in The Rascals! Wow, that is special! Honestly, I wouldn't worry about getting rid of their stuff, what's the hurry! If it helps to get rid of it, do it. If it helps to keep it, do that. It's about whatever is most comfortable for us and phooey with what anyone else thinks!

I used to feel robbed. I don't feel a lot now. Before George died, I felt such love and appreciation for each day and what it brought. Now it takes more effort to have just a glimmer of that joy.

Amen to all of the above...I couldn't figure out how to reply after I quoted, I must have done something wrong. And let me add: for fae to be well rested!

He was just here in Eugene OR. Somebody scalped a ticket for $300, he wasn't too happy about that. It kind of goes against his message.

babben I just saw this post, I wish I would have sooner. How did your Mother's Day go? Did you spend it with your kids? Tomorrow is your birthday, and I hope it is a good birthday, in spite of missing your mom. I hope you are able to enjoy what is, even if what "isn't" is a glaring missing piece in your life. Trying to be present with what is in the moment ensures that you don't add to your losses by missing what is right there right now. (((hugs))) Kay

Shannon, I'm sorry I missed this earlier. I know, you have so much on your plate. And fair doesn't enter in. I wish you could have your mom here with you while you go through chemo and while your husband is so sick. My mom isn't dead but neither has she ever "been there" for me. My mom is too mentally ill to have been a "mom" to us, both while we were children, and while we were adults. We have somehow learned to function without her role in our lives...not what we would have coveted, but it is what it is. I hope as the other poster suggests, that you realize you can reach inside of yourself for your mom whenever you want. Talk to her...what would she say back to you? Those are the words you can find comfort in now.

This is so unfair to your friend, and she really does need to talk to her mom about it. Her mom can't make her responsible for her own grief, she needs to do her own grief work herself. I lost my husband nearly eight years ago and my daughter was staying with me temporarily when it happened. It wasn't long and she was spending time with her friends and eventually staying with them. This is as it should be. Did I feel ready for her to leave? No. But then if she'd kept staying with me, I probably wouldn't have done my grief work like I should have, I probably would have projected too much on her...NOT healthy for her, and not what would be best for me either! I hope your friend will strongly encourage her mom to get some grief counseling and joint a grief support group. You can check on line for local phone numbers or contact hospice or a hospital for suggestions of where to start. And above all, your friend needs to take time for herself and not feel responsible for her mom. It is good for her to give her an allotted amount of time but her mom is responsible for her own well being and mental health. You can help your friend by encouraging her and letting her talk to you and also helping her get away for some age-appropriate times of fun and relaxation.

Shannon, I hope you can realize that it is okay to have all kinds of different feelings towards your mom, even coexisting. My George had a horrific background...he had a dad that was so abusive, he was alcoholic, and was physically abusive and very neglectful of the kids' physical needs for food, heat, privacy, stability, you name it. To top it off, there was incest in the family on his mom's side. It's common for a child (even when grown) to attribute one parent as bad and one as good because they need so desperately to have one good parent. But most parents aren't perfect. And the truth is, when we're grown, we have to come to terms with ALL aspects of our parents, the good and the bad. We have to do that in order to forgive them and let it go and move on. George's mom had been sexually abused by her brother growing up. Wouldn't you think, then, that she would keep her children away from him, knowing what she knew? But she didn't. He abused her children and it cause such skyrocketing effects within the family. I remember helping George to see his mom, for the first time in his life, as NOT "the good parent". As a parent flawed. A parent he deeply loved, a parent that was a whole lot better than his dad, but still not perfect. I helped him see that it was okay to feel angry with her (she'd long since passed away) for not protecting them from their uncle and from their dad's emotional and physical abuse, while still acknowledging his love for her and how hard she worked and tried with the kids (she had eleven). You see I had to do the same thing. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom was nuts, she was mean, she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. And my dad did not protect us kids from her. For years, growing up, I saw my dad as the "good one" and hoped if they ever divorced I could live with him. I doubt such thoughts cross most kids' minds, but they did mine. I had to come to realize that BOTH of my parents let us down. My dad was still a pretty good dad in many ways, we knew he loved us, he wasn't physically, or verbally abusive, but he neglected to PROTECT us. I've been able to recognize the good AND the bad in him and forgive him and move on from it. Just as I've had to move on from my mom's abuse. I protected my kids from my mom...I let them see her, yes, but supervised. And there were times I had to cut off from her for periods. She was a difficult complicated person. She still is. Just know that while your situation may seem extreme to you, not all kids end up with a murdered parent, it isn't uncommon to have a parent that was a "good parent" that also let you down in some way. And it's okay to feel anger. And it's okay to feel love. Even all at once. My heart goes out to you. Yes, as Mary suggested, I'd stay in touch with your therapist so she can help you sort it all out and deal with it. And none of this is your fault. Us kids, we all deserve better.

Shannon, I wasn't on line yesterday but I said a prayer for you all the same, I knew the day would be tough. Mother's Day can be an emotionally charged day for so many of us for all kinds of reasons. I hope you're doing okay...when is your next chemo?

I'm thinking you're right!

Mary, I've done some reading on it, and the most common food allergens for dogs are beef, wheat, and dairy. Pumpkin is recommended for them. However, it doesn't matter how good something is for you, if you have an allergy to it, it is not good for you, no matter how many others can tolerate it. I highly suspect Bentley is allergic to pumpkin. It's rare, but it can happen. I am allergic to fish...everyone pushes eating fish. It doesn't matter how great it is for others, for me it is a toxin. A dog's allergic reaction isn't that different than ours...it can cause rashes, itching, or Diarrhea, intestinal upset. I would just avoid pumpkin in his diet. It's hard to imagine him being allergic to the rice flour, but it's always a possibility. If you don't have problems with him with rice though, I wouldn't suspect the rice flour. Egg is a possibility but you've probably already given him bites of egg w/o a reaction, you would have noticed it before if that were the case. Also, Golden Retrievers are one of the breeds most sensitive to allergies. Have you a concoction you make up for him when he is sick until his system heals? If not, try calling the vet for ideas. I make up something with mashed potatoes (no dairy!), rice, chicken breast (chopped, stir fried-no grease), and yogurt or cottage cheese. The "no-dairy" doesn't usually apply to yogurt or cottage cheese as they have different enzymes. I also give Arlie 1 tsp. Probiotics daily, mix the measured powder in with his concoction. I usually add two chicken boullion cubes to the rice while it's cooking for added incentive/flavor. My vet told me to add canned pumpkin to this mix for added fiber, but of course, I'd leave that off with Bentley, probably for life. This is all stuff my son and my vets have told us to use when they're intestines or colons are upset.

I think there's some truth to it, it's only natural they don't like being the cause of someone else's unhappiness and since they can't focus on you, only themselves at the time, that could be a factor in their breaking up. That's another reason not to discuss relationship stuff when they're grieving...it could be the cause of escalating them to break up rather than "weather the storm". Any demands put on them during this fragile time can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I agree with what your saying. I wouldn't have sent the book because I wouldn't want him to view me as pressuring him in any way. It doesn't matter that it's a good read for him, if he won't read it, or even if he does but resents me for it. I wouldn't move to be with someone unless it'd been discussed and agreed upon previously, and you're right, if there was that type of commitment beforehand.

None of our dogs have reacted adversely to them but we just gave them each one at a time.

Mary, It was my vet that told me to add pumpkin to Arlie's diet when he was sick, so it's hard to imagine the pumpkin alone being the culprit, it's also helping my cat, but it could be giving too many treats...it's like suddenly switching dog foods on them. Huskies have sensitive dispositions and whenever my son and I have switched dog foods on Arlie or Skye, we've had to do so very gradually. Yes, I know what it is to have the tailfeathers...I had a Golden Retriever, Teddy, and it's a lot of work keeping them from matting. I hope by now Bentley is all well! Also, did you refrigerate them? I don't know if they need it or not but since it had eggs I did. You are indeed Bentley's mom! Arlie doesn't like to wake me up either...he'll come and stare at me and wait for me to take him out when he is sick, and I feel so bad that he's had to wait while I'm sleeping! Please let us know how he's doing now. Marty, I can't imagine how you got 110 lb. dog atop a washer!

You guys are so funny! Watching each other... I'm glad Bentley likes his treats, I'm sure he doesn't care about the shape. fae, the choc. syrup sounds good, but I haven't heard of pink salt either. and Mary, snow??? I almost feel guilty for having enjoyed some warm days this last week. Now the rain is starting. fae, how sad that Doug didn't know his mother's love, but alas that was common thinking in that time. (Dr. Spock) At least he knew love with you! Mary, I like that "human beings" not "human doings" Jan, I hope you'll practice staying home and not doing a darn thing all day long! I know, it takes practice, it doesn't come easy to some of us, but we can force ourselves. Yes, dogs can get bored...when Arlie is, I usually throw the ball for him (in the house)...one good thing about having a house where nothing much matters, carpet is wore out, etc. Jan, I don't think there's such a distinct separation between our worlds, but perhaps they overlap somewhat. I too believe they continue their energy existence...I can't imagine George just "ceasing to exist", he was way too great an energy! Oh Jan, I hope you get to feeling better and can shed that provoking cough! Anne, it is comfort to me that none of us need feel we walk this journey alone. You are all my family and dearest friends.

Mary, if it's any consolation, George STILL has clothes in our camping trailer (I cleaned out the one he used to stay in near his job, but haven't touched the one we used to camp in) and I honestly can't bear to go in there. He picked the trailer out and together we redid the inside, we had so many wonderful trips in it, it's just too hard. I'm hoping someday my son will take it away and him and his wife can do what they want with it, but for me, I just can't bear to do anything with it.

Only all the time!

I spent the day off line yesterday but hope it went well for all of you. My SIL had to work and was disappointed to not get to celebrate Mother's Day with me, so I decided to spend time with Arlie, read the paper, and leave early to spend time with my SIL before he had to go to work, then met my kids at my DIL's parents. Had a nice day, ended all too soon as all "days off" seem to! It's nice to have a quiet day once in a while, Mary, I'm glad your day was nice.

Kristen, Make that your goal this week, to try and practice focusing on YOUR life with no thought to HER! Squash that thought out of your head every time it enters, replace it with thoughts of the business you're trying to get off the ground, and do it in Marcus' memory. It'll take practice, but you'll get there!

I love the card, Kristen! You might want to try the dog treats recipe we listed on this site and hand them out if you see anyone with a dog, they don't have any wheat in them.

You guys are just so special. Harry, I wish you the best with your endeavors, I know it's not only a noble cause, but one very dear to your heart.

If you try accessing your husband's page through your "friends" list you should come up with the right one. I was on the phone with eBay the other day and wanted to know why they couldn't access my account with just my phone number...they told me others are using my phone number. I told them I live alone, I pay the bill, I've had the phone number for 36 years, no one else should be using it. They said, "Do you know a George?" My voice softened and just the sound of his name brought a smile to my face...I told him that was my husband, he's been deceased nearly eight years. They told me they'd take care of it, but then I felt a pang, like I got rid of him a bit more. Ahh, this is the odd path we're on.

Conbon, Welcome to this site, you will find you are not alone here, there are many others going through the same things. My husband's closet rod broke two weeks after he died, so I folded & donated his clothes, but I kept his robe, some sweaters, a vest, his fishing vest & fishing hat, favorite worn out shirt, I have no intention of ever getting rid of them. It's nearly eight years later and some things are just as he left them. This changes every aspect of our world. I hope you feel comfortable sharing your story when you are ready. Kay