kayc

How are you doing, pmack? I'm sorry I didn't see your last post, usually I get a notification at the end of the day but since there was more than one, it probably came through as a conversation and I missed that part. Are you doing better now? It DOES take a while for the tears to stop, the first few months were the roughest for me. I miss Jim, I still have feelings for him, but I'm much more protective of my heart now, and in no way do I want to get hurt again. It's still a little confusing, how he could love me and be engaged to me and just suddenly break up like that. I understand now that every ounce of their energy went into their grieving (all of them we've written about here) and there was nothing leftover to do a relationship...yet they DID seem to be able to keep going with their friends, neighbors, family, etc. I'm curious how these same people would have responded if they'd been married. To me engaged is very close to marriage, yes it can be called off, but you've already made a commitment to each other...it's just weird to me. I could not have done this to someone. I've grieved plenty and never responded like this, but I guess we don't all respond the same.

There were some key things said there that help me understand better. I think he's so busy grieving that he doesn't have anything left over to deal with "relationship". it's different with his friends. After there's a breakup, it seldom comes back together, but it's possible. Maybe the two of you should take a break from each other for a year and see what happens. By that time you may not want him back, you may have already found someone else. Or he may have, although less likely, since he's the one that doesn't have it in him to deal with that right now. But if neither of you do and it's still there, it wouldn't be too late to reconnect. I won't tell you you "shouldn't" resent him for what he can't help, but you might want to reconsider it...from reading on here you can see it's a common grief response, and like I said, he probably doesn't even KNOW consciously "why", just how he feels. It's not uncommon to feel a mixture of feelings that seem in direct conflict with each other. Such as loves you but also can't deal with being with you right now. I know it may not make sense to you, but obviously it's what happens alot. Like I said before, you need to consider what is right for you. You can only "wait and see" for so long. Good luck, I know this is hard. Try to understand and forgive when you are ready.

Amazingly enough, Arlie gets a great report tonight! I put him back on dog food and will give him enough mix to get his Probiotics down in the am. Yay, I couldn't be happier!

Well we'll see about Arlie when I get home tonight...I don't know yet how affected he'll be by the soup...it had spices, onion, kidney beans, black beans, corn...NOT good for his diet! It was kind of cute to watch, he's SO tall (almost as tall as I am when he stands up!), but I didn't show him the "cute" reaction when I caught him, I made him go lay down behind the couch. He KNEW he was in trouble! A guy on dialysis w/o insurance? Oh man! That can get so expensive! I hope your gadget works for you. Anything that helps you with your hearing. And there we go with iPads again...I should check one out. I hope your evening goes well and all of the workmen are gone for the day so you can rest.

You have a hard time with Mother's Day because you LOST your mom (and on that day of all days, this year!) and I have a hard time with it because I never really had one. I mean we all had someone who gave birth to us but that alone does not make someone a mom. I don't know which is worse...losing one or never having had one. At any rate, my thoughts will be on you that day and I pray it goes okay for you. I know what a struggle it can be when it falls on a major day like that...I lost my George on Father's Day.

Anne, bravo! And you'd be proud to know I ventured onto Pinterest for a bit today. I'm still not quite getting it but I found another Goberian picture I wanted to pin there. Yep about the flowers, Marty! I so enjoyed the roses Mary posted. I saw some tiny little buds on my Lilac tree this week so there's hope in sight...last year I didn't get any because of the over-pruning someone did for me the year my arm was broken. It's good to know it'll come back, wasn't sure for a while!

Mary, I second everything Marty put (and so well). I'm sorry you had this experience. I've found over the years that the knock-downs can occur any time but the recovery time eventually gets shorter. I hope the rest of your day goes better.

I like that quote too.

Mary, that's kind of what I thought.

Thx, I was just wondering if I bought an iPad if I'd get stuck having to pay another data plan...no can afford!

Mary, This concurs with what I have read, that even Alzheimer's patients can see some improvement if worked with...am not sure their gains keep up with their decline, but if someone works with them it can have positive effect on how they feel. I've gone back and read all of the links in this thread and it seems even they can benefit from meditation. Somehow I can't picture my mom taking it up at age 91 though! Trying to get her to see anything other than her usual negativity, well that'd be quite a feat! I am wanting to practice it more though, I think it'd be very beneficial.

I realize that, I meant use my data from my cell phone for my iPad, like I have my laptop when my other carrier was down.

Wow, a lot of things come to my mind. Where you are and want to be at this stage in life will undoubtedly have bearing with what you decide. You don't mention if you want to have kids or not, but this is the age one tends to think about that. And if you wait for him another five years and he's no further, then what. You must feel you are at an indefinite stalemate. You can't decide for him, nor change him or his mind, you can only decide what YOU can and cannot live with. Perhaps it'd help you to set a time...if by this time nothing has changed, then I will_______. The more time that goes by and the more you have invested in the relationship, the harder it may be to let it go. He is grieving. But that grieving can continue and grief leaves one changed, so they are not the same. You do understand, do you not, that it may never be the way it was "before"? You love him, and that won't likely change. You possibly don't understand why he is proceeding as he is, and that's pretty hard to explain or understand...he may not understand it himself. My (now ex) fiance never did explain it to me, and I'm not sure if he ever did understand it fully himself. We parted and eventually regained contact as friends, but that is hard for most people to do. But we are at a different stage of life than you are too...I have no expectations, no hopes and dreams so am content just talking on the phone with him now and then...that is all he has to offer anyone. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, that needs to be something you figure out for yourself. I think you've already analyzed this and thought about different scenarios and understand it as well as one can. Perhaps a counselor could help you with coming to the right decision for you. In the end, that is all you can do, make the right decision for you, just as he is making the right decision for him. I know how it feels. My XF (ex-fiancee) had contact with his friends, neighbors, family when his mom was dying and after...even with his XW...but not me. It's hard to understand. It's not how I would have handled it, but it is what it is. I didn't think it was right and still don't, but I respect that it was his decision and his alone to make. In the end, I want someone who won't shut me out of his life when the going is tough...or no one at all. That's just me. What if you'd been married to him already when this happened? Would he have responded different? How would you have handled it? These are things I asked myself. It does seem you are in an unfair position. I worry that he'll take you for granted and nothing will change and he'll be content with things going on as they are, while you feel increasingly more discontented. I'm just so sorry yet another couple finds themselves in this situation due to no fault of their own. I do pray you'll do what is ultimately best for YOU.

Shannon, I wish I could have wished you a Happy Birthday yesterday, but I hope you'll accept it today. I am sorry it came with such shocking news. As you've undoubtedly read here, there have been others here that have gone through some really hard physical things...Anne and fae come to my mind, and I hope it brings you courage and comfort as you see how they've taken their news in and dealt with it. Each person's journey is different, so are the things that come their way, and you surely have been given a lot to deal with. Please know I hold you up in prayer and will continue to. Today is no different than a week ago except now you know why you have been feeling like you have. Now that they know, they can begin treatment in a more effective way. You will have to focus on your fight for YOU, just as Leo has had to focus on his fight for himself, and each of you can continue your fight to live, together, whether you reside separate or together. Oh Shannon, my heart goes out to you. All I know is we do the best we have with what we're dealt, what more can we do? Keep on keeping on...

Melina, I want to respond to your post before reading others' replies. To be quite honest, if by "this stage" you mean loss over three years but as many years out as it goes, I too am in "that stage". It's been almost eight years for me. I tried to create a new life with someone else and that didn't work...tried twice, but as I realize now, it was just a diversion. Diversions are tempting as they take your mind off your loss and how different your life has become...but they don't work in the sense that you STILL don't have that life that you did. I have accepted that my life is not and never will be the same. I have accepted that I was lucky to have had George in my life and that he was my soul mate and we had an amazing once-in-a-lifetime love. And yes, I believe that way. I think it might be different for others, but my experience has taught me that it is this way for me. So many things about him show me that he was amazingly unique and made just for me! I am okay being alone (most of the time) except I do get lonely sometimes and yes, I'll admit, it does pretty much seem like a "non-life". I know there are people out there that live as single people quite contentedly...others who seem to be passing time waiting for "that right one" to enter their life. For me, I don't seem to fit into either category. I am not waiting for anyone, just surviving and honestly, kind of wishing "my time" would hurry up and come so I could be with George. I don't voice that out loud very often, I don't feel depressed, I don't want to worry my kids, nothing like that, but they have busy full lives without me and I feel like my time has come and gone and is this all that is left? I have a friend that is widowed and she dates a lot but it also seems like a diversion. Almost like drowning out your sorrows so you don't have time to think. I think I am in a healthier spot right now as I allow myself to feel my loss and am more content than I have been since I started this journey, and am not wishing for any particular thing...I am just taking each day as it comes. I look forward to grandchildren someday, but don't know if I'll live close enough by to get to enjoy them. I also know you can't stake your happiness or life on grandchildren...I've seen others who loved their grandchildren but it didn't fulfill them. No, it has to come from within. I get a lot of joy out of my dog (a lot of challenges too!) but I know he won't last the rest of my life...then what? I don't know. I hope someday I find some sense of purpose, some passion. For now, I'm probably right about where you are. So much for progress. That doesn't mean this is where you'll be at eight years out...remember, I had diversions that undoubtedly stifled my progress on this journey, and everyone's journey is unique to them so we can't compare or have certain expectations. It just is what it is. I try to stay in the moment as much as I can so I can savor the little things...the sunsets, the snowfall, a beautiful day. I am a nature person, so I enjoy it fully. I am learning about myself and learning to be okay with just me. Yes, it's a new experience, but I feel I've come further than the rest of my life put together. I hope that's helped you some, not sure if it has or not...it's just my journey. You'll come to terms with who you are and where you are too. I wish it didn't take so long but it seems to.

That dog IS going to be the death of me, LOL! He made it through the night, a little gassy, but didn't have to go outside & do anything. I'll see how he does when I get home from work. He's on his rice gruel again, which he doesn't mind, he likes it. Poor dog, he was probably truly hungry, he usually doesn't touch my food, but I guess the temptation was too much for him after starving all week.

Wow, Mary, you are so ambitious! The rest of you make me feel lazy! Thank you for sharing the roses, very beautiful!

Jan, looks like the right person to ask...I've often wondered what's the purpose of a tablet. I have a reg. computer, a laptop, and an iPhone. Love the iPhone but it's a pain going on line w/it to do anything, it's so small. Do you use a tablet for that purpose? I should be able to connect through my data plan (iPhone), right? Do you have to have a separate data plan when you buy a tablet? I don't like carrying a laptop around, too cumbersome, but a tablet might be just the ticket for my commute (don't worry, wouldn't access while driving), sometimes I like to take a break before/after work. A tablet is by touch, like the iPhone, right? So you wouldn't need a keyboard or mouse? Forgive my ignorance... I have five email accounts... My regular gmail one I use for nearly everything My yahoo account I use for FB and anything else I don't want cluttering up my gmail account My old NetZero account I used with George a new Outlook account I reserved with my username in case I want to switch to that at some point An old yahoo account I used to use when I was dating, am not sure it's even still there Mostly I just use two accounts though.

Elk hide and brocade gown? Now that'd be a picture! Have you ever seen one? Hmmm... I'd love to work for a vet. I applied for a job with one a year ago, but nothing came of it, it was way lower than I could live on, but it just sounded like a dream job... Arlie has a huge vocabulary, it amazes me how much he understands! Even though I'm not good at sticking to one word commands, he still seems to get it.

She must have called it a day...or at least not let on that she was still up!

That reminds me of George and I upholstering cushions to sleep on for our trailer. He'd worked in upholstery for 11 years before he got into welding fabrication...a fact I had forgotten. I started on this project and he started horning in on it, until I asked him if he wanted to do it. I wasn't looking to make it perfect and don't claim to be an upholsterer...and we didn't have the equipment for that anyway, I just wanted to cover the cushions and be done with it. Now I wish I'd listened more and let him be more a part of it. But I still remember laying the pieces out on the bed together, measuring and cutting. (sigh) How I wish he was still here.

You guys are so funny! I have a smart phone and do non-smart things with it. I don't use half the stuff on it but do like to check my email, weather, and of course, make phone calls with it.

Good for you, Mary!

ahh you guys are funny. Yes, takes a village to raise a dog, indeed! They should have saved on training the dog for Marley and Me because Arlie could have played the part w/o any coaching, and a whole lot cuter too! (That's what saves his bacon again and again). I still have some rice gruel fae, he's getting it for breakfast...that is if he gets to have breakfast!

So cute! You guys are great. Why is my news always short lived? That dog is going to be the death of me! My life would be so dull without him. Tonight I came home (it's the pits when you live to examine dog poop) and checked out his pen and noted his poop look much better, I was so happy! THEN>>>I brought him in the house and fed him his mixture. I put my Taco Soup (complete with beans) on the counter, pushed WAY back, and decided to get him a tiny bit of dog food. I noticed I'd tracked dog poop in the house so cleaned that up and turned back to the kitchen...and that's when I SAW: Arlie standing up to the counter eating MY taco soup! Now I don't mind that my soup is gone, what I DO mind is this is NOT going to fare well in his system. My system didn't like it, HIS system is going to major rebel! Grrr, Arlie! I made him go lay down, he was in serious trouble. But not half as much trouble as his system's going to be in in a few hours. Awwck!