kayc

Can the doctor give you something to help you sleep? It seems that'd be the best thing for you! I'm sure the anv. is still hitting you, it's not like the feelings expire like the date does. I pray you can let it all go for a while and just sleep. I'm glad you were able to hold the Zithromax down. Is Leo able to talk on the phone for a few min. day?

Mary, I'm glad to hear about the phone app, and so glad you won't have another device to keep track of! I have a "remote caddy" that used to be George's "mail caddy" when he was alive. If not for that, I'd never find anything! I chuckled at the "I have no fear of death...dying is another story." as I can relate. I too have dry eyes, I have since my early twenties...when I was young, my husband left me for another woman and I cried my eyes out for a year (it was before I realized he wasn't worth even one of my tears, I should have celebrated instead!), but I have had to use artificial tears ever since. Coupled with allergies and older age, they have only gotten all the dryer over the years. Lately I've been getting sharp stabbing pain in my eyes, which is another consequence of "dry eyes". More lubrication. Mary, I wish you all the best in your surgery. Eyes are one of the quickest organs to heal, you'll be amazed at how fast your recovery will be!

I'll have to try to remember to listen to this when I'm home...I was up past my bedtime trying to sort out a computer problem that I haven't yet resolved.

Shannon, I'm sorry it's been like this for you. Perhaps the flu took your mind of things for a bit? I hope so. I hope you can sleep. I'm glad you got something for your tummy too. Wow, you've had so much on your plate, I just wish for some relief for you. But you've made it past Apr. 1st once again. It's good to have that behind you for another year. I know it never truly leaves, but I also know how the "anv. of" dates feel. Now get some sleep!

fae, Alas, I've been having "computer challenges" at home and at work, giving me no rest! Hopefully I'll get to the bottom of it, soon. before it does me in completely. I am a user, NOT a technician! And I'm hoping for a little rest here and there as I continue with these challenges.

Ahh, but fae, I think some of the other voices we hear, there are some who'd like to haul us away for listening!

Oh Anne, you brought tears to my eyes as I thought, "THIS is why I love this lady so much!" Thinking of others even in your loss...and sharing CHOCOLATE with them, no less! That is a huge sacrifice! I would have taken them with me and picnicked on them! I hope your day is special, your time on the mountain with Benji, and I'm sure Jim is looking down on you with love.

Mary, My heart is with you as you go through this three year mark, first of his death, then of his burial. I rarely shed tears anymore, perhaps they've been cried out, perhaps I know it won't do any good, at any rate, it's rare. But the pain is with me always, inside my heart. In some ways I think it's increased. I miss him more, if possible, as time goes by. In the beginning it was hard because it was a shock, totally unexpected, and our everyday routines were assaulted. I was used to spending my time with him so when I heard the door open or the phone ring, it hit me afresh. Now that time has passed, I have a new routine, I no longer expect him to call or come through that door. But the missing him part? That seems worse. The habits are replaced with new routines, but the man...he never was. There is no one to hold me, no one to listen, no one to care or look at me appreciatively, no one to assume half the roles or pay half the costs. There is no one to keep me warm at night or bring that special joy to Christmas, Easter, birthdays, you name it. There is no one like my George and I well know it. In the beginning I was in shock and I think that shielded me somewhat...now the shock is long gone and I'm just left with this empty shell of a life. I don't mean to imply there is nothing good to live for, but nothing that compares to him. There are still ocean waves, sunsets, rainbows, and the like. There will be grandchildren someday, there are my pets and they most of all come the closest to our relationship as they love unconditionally and bring so much joy to our lives, but they lack so much about what we shared as husband and wife that even they, as special as they are, do not completely fill that void. Not only has my life changed but I have changed. I have learned to be alone. I have learned to become self-reliant. I have had to problem-solve on my own. I am strong. I am a survivor. I face old age alone but am not afraid of it, I will face what I must...after all, I have already had to face the worst conceivable thing there is! And I wait. Oh George, please save me a place in heaven and when you greet me, you don't need to say a word, just pull me to you and I will know all is well again.

I would give anything to have George hold me again, in a dream, in reality, any way I could get it...even knowing the pain that would tear me asunder to lose him again.

Losing the person you love to death changes a person...grief is a long journey and does not leave you the same. Yes, it's a common response to hole yourself up; it helps to make some conscious effort to not isolate yourself...maybe set a small goal (one person here said she tries to force herself to get out once a day) that's easily attainable. Have you considered a grief counselor? You also might try a grief support group. Of course we don't desire to ever experience grief again, and yet we have to realize that the degree of grief we experience is in correlation to the depth of love we had...and life would sure be bland without it!

Oh isn't this true! If we can't get out mind still, instead of worrying about it (which is counterproductive), just "be".

Oh Mary, I so agree! Some people are just more in tune than others and most of us go about rushing here and there, busy, busy, and feel we have to fill every void with activity and noisiness. Years ago I did an in depth study on prayer for a class I was to teach on it, and one of the things I noticed is people are often uncomfortable being still and quiet. Prayer is not just talking at God, a very big part of it is listening. But we are uncomfortable with that, and I do think it's an art that we have to develop...we don't "get comfortable" overnight. But the more we persevere and learn to sit in stillness, it becomes easier.

Oops, I meant to say, "write that", the poem.

Mary, did you read that? That seems so real...something all of us feel.

Perhaps. 25 1/2 years ago, My family went to Crater Lake, in two separate cars. My older sisters Donna and Peggy were traveling up front with Donna's two babies, while the rest of us were in the back car, about 1/2 hour behind. My mom suddenly said "What?" I, being a teenager, just thought she was nuts as she explained she thought she heard Peggy cry out for her. Then we came upon an accident on the freeway, we couldn't see anything, just that all of the traffic was backed up and stopped, you could see flashing lights ahead. As we inched forward, we saw Donna's little VW smashed almost beyond recognition, with the baby's bed lying in the freeway with broken glass all around. They had all been hauled away by then, and my mom went screaming out of the car, as my dad tried to throw his arms around her and hold her back, in a protective embrace. It was a moment of true horror, a moment that changed all of our lives forever. From then on, everything that happened in my family was labeled by a "before" or an "after" the accident. A policeman told them one of them was dead, but wouldn't say which one. We later learned it was my three year old nephew...the four month old baby was taken to the hospital for observation but miraculously was fine. (My parents later adopted him). Both of my sisters sustained brain damage and were in comas. Donna was never to walk again, she became quadriplegic. Peggy lost her equilibrium and falls easily. Donna lost her voice in an emergency tracheotomy. The years to follow were years of physical therapy with Donna, and my teen years were lost taking care of her and the little kids. But back to that moment when my mom heard Peggy cry out...at the time my mom was not a religious person. She wasn't what I'd call sensitive to anything. But she heard Peggy, and I have no doubt in my mind that in that horrific accident, Peggy did cry out to her. Call it a premonition, ESP, whatever you will, but it was extraordinary. It led to my mom's having a religious conversion...I know, she still isn't a great person, she's pretty messed up mentally, but I also think what she went through was real, she just isn't "right" in the head, never has been. But I do think that what happened at that moment in time, although unexplainable, was very real. It gave us comfort in the horrifying years to follow...it helped us realize there were things we couldn't explain, that we weren't in charge, but maybe Someone else was...and I think God gave us Micky (my now brother) to bring us joy in our lives, to sustain us through the hard times. You see, my sister hadn't planned on him, she found out she was pregnant with him AFTER she'd left her husband...at the time she thought it was bad news, but you see, someone knew we needed him in our lives...his life was very planned, even when we didn't understand.

Melina, It's good to hear from you again. And I too hope you can realize your dream of one day moving to be near your boys...I kind of hope someday I can do that too, when I have grandkids and am too old to manage alone. I think some people are extra sensitive enough that they ARE tuned in to other people's pain, etc. "Gift" is one way to put it. Maybe most of us are too busy or wrapped up in our worlds to notice things, but I do believe there are some that pick up on things that the rest of us don't. Like Marty says, there is so much more to the universe that we realize! How could this woman possibly know these things if she did not have some special kind of gift? I don't believe everyone who says these things is a Charlatan.

Actually, I was a little bummed that I didn't get to see any of the kids but I guess that's a progression of life. It was too much an ordinary day. Easter has always been special to me so I guess expectations weren't met, but at least it started and ended well.

I can so relate to this thread! The falls I experienced right after getting laid off (June 2011) were horrendous and had serious repercussions, financial as well as physical. Then taking a dive in the snow/ice this winter even though I "recovered the fall", I still did some damage to my knees. Now I have something going on in my left foot that I don't even KNOW how I did! It is indeed "that age". I like Mary's "staying up late two nights in a row creates a disaster. " Ha ha! That's a for sure!

No, actually, it was a personal msg he sent to me through her FB, it wasn't a generic one to all. But yeah, he must have given me the wrong address, I understand under the circumstances, one doesn't think clearly. Oh well, I had my phone no. in there, if he wants to call sometime, I'm here, I'll be gracious...which is more than I can say for all of the "friends" that disappeared when George died! I was just wondering if my feelings were out of norm...judging from what you guys are saying, I guess not.

I got a msg on FB today...these friends disappeared after George died and I found her on FB in Sept. She was supposed to call me but never did. Today her husband IM'd me that she passed away and her service is tonight. I haven't heard from them in nearly eight years. Still, I was prepared to go to her service, out of respect for George, for her husband and what he's going through, for their children. But the address I was given is that of a professional building and I have no idea which suite or where to go to. There's architects, a glasses place, etc. and I don't understand where her funeral could possibly be held in that building. But don't you think it odd one would ignore you for eight years and then let you know their wife died and oh by the way, the funeral is tonight, I hope you can make it? I mean, like, where were they for the last eight years? I can't wrap my head around it, am I wrong to feel so confused?

Very beautiful, Mary! Sorry you had all of the side excursions, but it does look worth it.

Our church had breakfast, then I had cappuccino with a friend while waiting for church. Afterwards, I just got my wood stacked and went to dinner with a friend. Never heard from the kids. Called my mom, wished her Happy Easter...by the end of the conversation (1/2 hour of her telling me how cold she was...she gave her blankets away) she said "Happy...goodbye!" She couldn't remember what she was to be happy about. Sad but comical too.

Mary, those "almost falls" can be as dangerous as actual falls. This winter I slipped on a neighbor's snowy/icy driveway, while opening their gate, it was so slick I couldn't stand up. I attempted to catch myself from falling completely and in the going down I twisted and put exertion on my knees, causing some tears...ending with hurting behind my knees and on the outside/side of my knees. One of them is still hurting, they are very hard to repair as the cartilage doesn't get the blood flow/oxygen which is needed for healing. It often ends in surgery. Surgery not being part of my lifestyle of "keeping going" and trying to earn a living, I keep plugging along, trying not to aggravate it and give it ample time to get well. A slip on water could have the same action, so I'm glad you're wearing slippers...maybe make sure the kitchen light is on and look at the floor before walking in...don't assume it's dry. It is puzzling since you've tried to figure out what's causing it!

Dave, I'm sorry to hear about your Baloo, it's hard whenever it comes and no matter the way it happens. It's almost as if you were getting a message that only you would get though, and that has to be of some comfort. I don't believe these things are coincidence.

Now that is a picture! When I first got Arlie, he wasn't going for the tub thing, and it was a war, but I finally got him to understand that if he cooperated there would be a very special treat at the end, but he had to be good, beginning to end! When I do it on a regular basis, he even holds off shaking until I towel him down and tell him it's okay to. He gets out of practice though if I go for a few months w/o it.