kayc

What you say here, Mary, is so aptly put! It is how it goes. And Anne, as you expressed it, that is our journey...one moment thinking of everything wonderful and the next engulfed in the pain of loss. Ahh we've come to learn to roll with the tides...

fae, I want to see a picture of this dragonfly tent when you are done! What do you use it for?

Mary, it sounds like it's coming along nicely, and I like how they're taking care of you, even though not always to your timetable...it's getting done. Soon it will be done!

I'm not seeing him, not at all! Just talked that once on the phone.

I feel the same way, Mary, I'm glad I donated to Sponsor's (inmates reentering society, they have nothing). It would have been nice to save a few old workshirts or something for a quilt, but most of his clothes were not worn out excepting a couple of shirts that had outlived their usefulness (isn't it funny how men don't want to retire a favorite shirt?).

Thank you for sharing this Mary, I went on line to check it out when you first sent it to me and it seems like they wanted $35 or so and not having it, I didn't go any further. But I agree, I like reading Henri Nouwen and have some of his books.

Anne, the quote you posted is so true. I'm glad it was a good day for you. I have a lot of solitude in my life and have learned not to "rush to fill the silence" but view it as a friend. I tried some of the meditations here this weekend. I'm not used to having a meditation done up for me to use, but rather to just meditate by myself w/o sounds or pictures, but the one of the ocean was nice...I could listen to that for hours.

That is so like you, Anne. Always thinking of others, thank you. How did your day "off line" go?

I think it's important to listen to that voice inside when it comes to grief. Is there any way you could have it reopened to get your pictures? I mean, if it's big enough to bug you, it's big enough to do something about it. You shouldn't have to live with regrets and shouldn't feel pressured to do things a certain way. I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings, it's hard enough!

Plum, You're doing great and your attitude is terrific! It will all be good someday.

I think Jim is messed up and maybe doesn't know what he wants or doesn't act on it...whatever, that's his place to figure out, not mine. I would have so many requirements in order to give a go at this relationship that in all honesty, I can't picture him going for it. So I don't go there, don't hope, don't encourage it, don't anything. I'm truly feeling that being on my own is better. But I do like him and can't see throwing a perfectly good friendship away. He's the sort of person that stays paralyzed in something rather than doing anything about it so I don't see anything ever changing. It could go on like this the next 20 years. That's okay by me, I'm not dating, neither is he, so no one to be bothered by our continued communication. You are right, Pollara, people do grieve differently. I think at the end of the day we must do what's best for ourselves and let the other person decide for themselves and respect each other's wishes.

Helena, I don't know how much you care about this guy, but if you continue to push him, you'll lose him for sure. I'd back off and give him some space. This is a fairly new relationship and he's going through so much. If this is a relationship worth having, it's worth being patient for. I think the goal would be here, to keep the relationship strong enough so it doesn't totally blow up, at least until you guys have some time to see down the road if it's something you want to have long term or not. You need more time and right now he can't think clearly and it looks like you aren't either. I'm sorry, just being honest, that's how I see it. I hate to see you lose something that could be just what you want. If the relationship does survive, you can work out the logistics of where to live later on. I wouldn't let distance get in the way if it is the right person. Pollara was typing the same time as me...I would leave relationship talks aside altogether right now, text or otherwise. He's not in the place he needs that or can respond to it. Sometimes just taking a deep breath and letting things be as they are...there's time enough for that on down the road. Anything else is going to seem like a demand right now and he just can't handle that right now. Do you not understand what grieving is like? It puts your head in a deep fog and you can't even think! Try just being his best friend, someone safe and easy for him to come to.

Shannon, Thinking of you as the day began and hoping this chemo isn't too rough for you. Also a prayer for Leo, hoping they get him stabilized. I'm glad you got some time in with him before his seizures. (((hugs)))

How true...no way to speed it up or circumvent it, it just goes it's own pace like it has a mind of its own.

He doesn't have a clue. He will probably drown his sorrows in women and/or other things, and we all know that doesn't work well. I know he's hurting, I know he loves his wife, I also know he hasn't a clue what to do about it. He's working around the clock, trying to keep busy so he doesn't have to think. I get that. But I won't be a pawn. fae, I love interference paints (I've used them in my cards and coasters...stamping), so fun! I also love dragonflies, so much fun to paint! Only I cheat, I start with my stamped image.

I saved some of George's clothes, usually it's his bathrobe when I feel the need to wrap myself in him, but I also have a shirt/jacket of his...we had them matching in different colors/sizes, but sometimes I like to wear his even though it's too big. I realize Ann was off line yesterday, but figured she'd read when she got back. I haven't done any quilting for years, don't really have the time, but I do wish I'd thought of it before getting rid of everything. Oh well, at least they went for a good cause and I know he would have been delighted with that. You sure are ambitious! I'm wishing I'd gotten to some yard work this weekend, I was so busy in the house I never did get around to it, now it's back to rain.

I think you're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, yes it takes a great deal of resolve to do what's best even when you feel the opposite inside. Perhaps he will miss you during this time apart...just understand it can take a great deal of time for them to come to their senses. And by that time, you may feel totally different. Jim has called me ten times this week. He's talked about coming up here. I no longer hold my breath or hope for anything, other than friendship, but I'm not afraid of seeing him either, not afraid of my feelings or falling vulnerable to him. I feel much stronger after all this time, more in charge of myself, more aware.

I wouldn't think you'd be ineligible until you actually RECEIVE the assets. Have you talked to them about it? In the end, even if you get nothing, you will be no worse off...it is what we can do for ourselves that is most important. I have never inherited anything from anyone and have been swindled, but I am still standing and you will too. There are laws governing how we settle estates and if she breaks those laws,she is welcome to the consequences that come with it. I understand how little time you have with working and going to school, but keep your focus there and you can't go wrong. My son is in school full time and is so busy, he only gets about three hours sleep a night, but the pay off will come, it's imperative nowadays to have education. Gone is the world where you could do without it!

Of course you are! Who wouldn't be! But bravery is not the absence of fear, but the proceeding in the face of it. By taking one step at a time, and putting one foot in front of the other, you will make it through this. You can do this, Shannon! And you have all of the prayers of us here behind you and the support of your in-laws with you.

It's been 80 here lately, it's been nice. Cooler today and next week, but still lovely, although rain is coming tonight and Monday I think. Mary, glad you got your shower, that can make a person feel new again! The concert sounds truly rapturous! Harry, so good to hear from you...we figured you were busy, you accomplish more than the rest of us could ever imagine! We feel in complete support of all of your endeavors and I'm sure you look forward to having some time off now and again this summer to recoup. I've been trying to think of a way I can take some inexpensive time off work and have special time with my Arlie. Maybe some time at the beach...

I hadn't heard of this, but I think it's a beautiful way to demonstrate support for those who have lost a child...including Marty and two of my sisters.

Kristen, Oh gosh, you have NO IDEA how MUCH I've learned to stand my ground! Wow! It's amazing how much backbone we can grow when we have to! These people, and trust me it takes a lot for me not to call them idiots!, the things they say!!! People truly don't know what's appropriate or inappropriate to say to someone who is grieving. They're so way out of line! I don't know why they think if you lost your partner that you need to be told what to do and that their decisions/choices/preferences are what is best for you! Have you ever been in a church prayer meeting and everyone has their eyes closed and one at a time they're praying? And someone stops praying and it's quiet? Notice how uncomfortable that makes people feel and sure enough someone will pipe up and start praying too, even if they really have nothing to say. People are uncomfortable with silence! They feel they need to stop the gap. And in so doing, they miss something. They miss the important part, the being still, being quiet, listening part. Which is such an important part of prayer! God doesn't need us to just keep babbling away, filling in the gaps, talking at Him, HE doesn't feel it's awkward when we're quiet and listening! ...what I'm getting at is this: it's the same way when we lose someone. It makes people uncomfortable. It's like they don't know what to do with death OR with single people. They feel the need to "stop the gap" by matching us up with someone. It's annoying! We learn so much by allowing ourselves to go through the process of learning to be on our own, learning to do our grief work, learning to be on this journey, learning our new normal, learning to be comfortable with singlehood. What I mean by that is NOT that we choose being single over having our partner with us, god no! Of course we would rather they be here, but if they can't be, well, we'll be single then and adjust to doing that rather than feeling we "have to have someone" in our lives. We learn to do our time alone. That doesn't mean it's easy, oh heavens, it's not! But it's something we work at and learn. And now that all of our friends dumped us, we have to make new ones...not an easy feat. For one thing, we're more guarded and selective now...we've seen what these "friends" have turned out like and aren't relishing getting more of the same. It takes us time, and it's so slow, meanwhile we're more alone than we care to be. The few whose friends didn't dump them are very lucky. Not everyone fares so well. Yes, your parents and my sister "mean well" but when they're saying something stupid, it's ever so hard to take! I had to distance myself from my sister a lot that first year until I was strong enough to continually hold my ground with her...I had to protect myself until I was well enough. We have to learn to be choosy about who we are around and choose to be around those that are positive for us, and guard our time around those who are not.

He even had the nerve to say his wife and George would get a kick out of it. I think NOT! What galled me is he used THEM to try and weasel his way in! The conversation was pretty short after that. Mr. Rick, that's his name. Grrr!

Anne, How's the quilt coming along? What kind are you making? Years ago we used to make "crazy quilts", very simple, squares from old items we had around the house, then "tied" them with a backing and batting, and put a trim around the edge. We made them for Lutheran missions, I did it with a neighbor that was Lutheran. Anyway, I kept one, but I think it's long gone now. I've made a few quilts over the years, but nothing fancy, I've never been taught officially but everybody always liked it if I made one, haven't done that in years, not sure I have the patience any more. I wish I'd done something like that with George's clothes though, it would have been nice to wrap myself in it. Kristen, Yeah, we know. I bawled like a stuck hog the first time I laundered our bedding...it took me a full month to work up the nerve, it was so hard.

You may be right about the guilt part...Jim may feel that way too since he used to come to my place every weekend, but then he could have seen his mom any time he wanted, he just didn't know things were going to go the way they did, none of us ever does.