kayc

Mary, I hope your friend enjoys her smile as much as I do mine! I paid $3,000 for it and it seemed like a waste to have them redo it but they said it didn't fit well and was wearing out (under a year?) so I'm glad they made a new one and now it's done with.

Helena, I think you are right on. And it's not a game. They need to know what it's like to be without us or how else can they make a good decision about whether or not they want us in their lives or not? I know grieving complicates things. But apparently it showed Jim he didn't want to have me in a love relationship because he never resumed it. But that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't make a different decision. I think he wasn't as ready as he'd thought for a relationship, I think he got infatuated with me very quickly and was too cowardly to get out of it...until he was going through his mom dying...then he couldn't handle it. But that's just my take on it. Someone mentioned in one of the threads earlier that maybe there was something wrong with each of these relationships to start with is why we lost them. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, I don't feel I can judge everyone's relationship by the little bit I see here under these extenuating circumstances, but in our case, maybe our relationship wasn't what I'd been led to believe. I mean just two weeks prior to breaking up with me he told me he saw us spending the rest of our lives together. Why would he say that if he didn't feel it? He's not a dishonest person so I know he wasn't a pretender. But maybe he had some mixed feelings he hadn't shared with me? I don't know and I'm way tired of trying to analyze it, after this long, it just doesn't matter what his reasons were. I know we had great potential and could have had a great love and life together had he chose that...but he didn't, so that's that.

I agree. And of course he'll remember and think of you. Jim thought of me when he was apart from me, his daughter said he was always checking my FB page...yet he made no contact. I guess he just didn't know what to say or couldn't deal with the emotions of being in contact with me. But did he forget me? No, not for a day. He was exhausted, confused, upset, everything. I wish he could have had the strength to have included me in what he was going through and let me be there for him, but that was his choice and in the end I have to respect his wishes while continuing with my life as best as I can.

Have you talked with Adult and Family Services to see if there's any help available where the two of you could be together while you recover? I agree you can't take care of him, you have your hands more than full with your own medical problems, but maybe if there was someone else taking care of the both of you... Maybe there isn't help available and I'm just dreaming, it just seems there ought to be.

Lindakate, No need to apologize, you can IM anytime! I shared those links with you because I wanted you to know what it felt like for me in the early months, it's something we all go through but I also want you to know it gets more bearable with time.

Kristen, I'm sure Marcus knows how much you love him. George and I never lost sight of our love, even if we argued. Dick, I wish we could have that one more day to cuddle and just be together. I'm glad that she is out of her pain now, you're right, it almost makes it bearable.

Poor Bentley! It is good that he can express himself freely. We forget sometimes that things don't just affect us, but our pets too. I know when my DIL's puppy, Mozzy was here visiting, on about the third day of her overbugging him (he loves it at first but then enough is enough!) Arlie got cantankerous and growled at her to leave him alone. She didn't and after several warnings he finally nipped her. He'd never done that before but then she kind of pushed his buttons to the limit. Sometimes they just want everything back to normal, they have their comfort zones too!

Yes, lots and lots of hummingbirds, I just filled up the feeder although all of the "flowers" on the feeder that they drank from have disappeared, I'm hoping they can just get it through the holes.

It's true, it's the quality of the relationship that counts. We knew each other 6 1/2 years and we were married 3 years 8 months, to the day. A hammock on the beach sounds wonderful!

I wish there was some formula that we could use, if we did this and that, everything would be okay. But if there is one, I haven't figured it out yet. I think you're onto something, Helena, there was a forum I learned from when Jim & I broke up loveshack.org (not to be confused with .com, NOT the same!) in the break up section, and they said to go "no contact". With no contact, it makes the person realize what they're missing. If you're still around dropping a line now and then, they can still take you for granted. For myself, by the time Jim and I reconnected, I knew right away it wasn't likely to be more than friendship...and he's had ample time to change his mind and do something about it...he hasn't. I've accepted things as they are and am better off for it. I just hate putting my hopes in what someone else does/doesn't do...to me that means I lose my power to choose for myself the outcome of my own life. Either the person loves me or doesn't, demonstrates it or doesn't, commits or doesn't. I'm not going to sit around and hold my breath and lose sleep over anyone. In my way of thinking, they need to join stride with me or fall behind.

If you would remember him, why would he not remember you?

I agree with what you say, Helena. You can't always control the outcome that involves another person, but you can focus on yourself, being the best person you can be, keeping your life full and eventually your feelings will follow suit. I think it's horrific someone could throw in a 30 year marriage because they lost their parent. What?! We expect parents to die some time for crying out loud! I mean the person has to be in their 50s and their parents in their 70s (or older), what in the world!

Mark, If you do try communication with Bicky, please let us know how it goes, okay? I'm afraid when the time comes I lose Arlie, they will have to haul me away, losing my husband felt more than I could bear, but my dog too? That would send me over the edge, surely. Marty, I tried looking up stuff in the "archives" I saved last year but the links don't work and it didn't save the content, just tiny snippets. I might as well delete it all.

Yes, this is normal, and I believe you will get your spark back. This is just such a jolt, it takes a while. I'm dealing with a mom with Dementia too, it was too far gone so they couldn't admit her to assisted living, the doctor said she needed full lock down unit, so we have her in a Dementia Care facility, it's been such a relief to have her somewhere safe and not have to worry and sweat while we go to work or sleep! My son got married last summer, same time as we were getting my mom into care. Believe me, you get rather good at rolling with everything that comes your way. I pray you find just the right job for you!

We will be saying prayers for you Shannon...I'm not Catholic and don't light candles, but I think I will anyway, just for good measure. I trust the doctors will fight this aggressively, they know so much more than they used to, we're all pulling for you to beat this! Keep up your spirits, even while you rest. ((((Shannon))))

I wish you could have seen the full moon, Jan. You, like myself and so many here, appreciate all there is about nature! Mary, glad you were able to learn some new things in your art class today, glad you're resting up from it now! Anne, me too, I have so many hummers flying around this year! I'll have to make some fresh nectar for them again tonight...

Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you! I know this chaos is as hard for you to endure as it would be for me. I hope you get your home back soon! The sketch was truly a find, how neat that you noticed the austere look of the trees...and that this was before Bill had you in his life. Beautiful nonetheless! George's poem was just a start, no where near a finish...I honestly wish now I'd kept the two 5" notebooks of letters he sent me but they were meant for my eyes only and after his death it got me started thinking and I didn't want prying eyes to read after I died. I have so much stuff he's written me though, so many cards and notes, he was quite the writer and everything he's told me is in my head and in my heart. My positive today was getting my new bridge on (front upper teeth)...the last one they made I hated and I'm glad I had it remade, it makes such a difference to feel like I can smile without the bridge detracting from the looks of it. I'm very pleased with how it came out, the color and blending was superb and it feels comfortable.

Kristen, If you never got to be married, that doesn't mean you weren't still his wife in your hearts.

Kristen, You asked what kind of plans we had...nothing big, but I think I may have posted a link to when I was newer in my grief that mentioned some of it. We planned to work until age 65 and then retire, we bought a porch swing and put it on our back deck for us to "grow old together" on. We loved camping and taking walks together (I loved hiking but George couldn't keep up...now we know why). There were places we wanted to go to together and his abrupt ending called a halt to all that. I haven't been camping since. Somehow taking a drive by yourself is just not the same. There was a "back way" to his hometown we always wanted to take, I still haven't been on it. I remember after he died finding the extra sharp cheese I bought for him to try (he never got to) and the Cornish Game Hens in the freezer I wanted to fix for him (he'd never had them) and he never got them. So many things I wanted to do together, he never got to go to Disneyland, we never got to the Grand Canyon. Still, we lived life to the fullest the short time we got to be together so I have no regrets, we always treated each other with the utmost love and respect. Sure we had a couple of fights, but I think everyone has, we never resorted to anything we had to be sorry for. Most of all, I just miss spending the rest of my life with him. I wish we could have been grandparents together.

Oh Anne, how beautiful!

I found the post I made the day after my first anniversary without George: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/720-thinking-of-you-today-kayc/ And here's another just before our anniversary: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/708-his-legacy-goes-on/ And right before that was my first birthday without...I remember crying myself to sleep: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/705-firsts-are-hard/

Mary, how sweet of you to find that for her! I remember you too, LindaKate and am glad you are back again, we always wonder about people that disappear for a while. Triggers are hard to deal with but they do get lesser with time. I guess we get used to even the unthinkable. You will certainly be in my thoughts Saturday.

Anne, I so agree with all you said, I am learning bit by bit and developing the needed compassion and patience and forbearance. The staff hasn't seemed much help or to care. I called and talked to them today and had to call the med aids about trimming her nails so they don't break and get infected (she's Diabetic) and letting them know that half of her nails are now broken below the cuticles. I told them she won't ask them for help, she doesn't express herself to authority figures, but she has no problem expressing herself to us. They laughed, I told them I thought part of that was her generation. I also told them I'm concerned she's not getting her evening meds because of what one of the caretakers said to me time before last. They didn't get back to me but I sent a message to my brother, he's her conservator, I just feel we need to take an interest in her care and not just assume they'll do what needs to be done, too easy for them to drop the ball. And although I may feel exasperated at times, I do try not to show it, I have little talks with myself, breathe, etc. I appreciate what you said, that although they may not understand what's going on, they do feel the emotion, that's a good thing to keep in mind. Mostly I try to listen to her (helps her feel validated), show caring towards her, get her out of there for a break (she welcomes that). The part that exasperates me is not her memory or lack of understanding, the part that's hard for me is her fierce determination that she can do everything herself, when she no longer can, but that's a life-long attitude that has always bugged us, well at least for the last 30 years or so...but I also think it's prevalent in the whole family, all of us kids and our kids included. We're a fiercely stubborn independent lot! Marty, so true about time...it is what we prioritize that we make time for. During my work week I prioritize my job...on the weekend, I get my chores out of the way and then I enjoy my furry kids and spending time with them.

Shannon, good to see you popping in, you're never far from our thoughts.

Oh Mary, it is beautiful! I would have it framed and hang it somewhere where I could look up at it often and cherish it. What a gift! George wasn't artistic but man what a gifted writer! His college professor thought he should write, but he took psychology and eventually ended up a welding fabricator. He liked seeing something for his efforts. I found a poem he'd started after he died, he wasn't finished with it, and it meant so much to run across it, I really understand how you feel.