kayc

Mary, I took care of my MIL for nearly three years when she was bedridden with cancer. At the time I had small babies and my own house to keep up with as well as hers. It required I be there every day, not only taking care of her, but I was her link to the outside world, even while I felt I didn't have one myself. It meant I hosted other family members that came to visit from out of town. It meant countless cooking, laundry, cleaning all while trying to keep her comfortable and taking care of the less desirable elements. I was not only exhausted but my own family unit had to be put on hold. For three years. They had support groups for caretakers that the hospital, etc. told us about. I wanted to laugh! Are they kidding? I'm 50 miles from the nearest anything and no time to brush my teeth and comb my hair and they think I have time to go to support groups? When you're a caretaker, it's tough. I was exhausted all right. I remember one weekend we arranged for OTHER family members to come take care of her so we could get away, just us, our family, I felt my husband and I and our kids badly needed it. What happened? Other family members showed up at our campsite. Are they kidding me?! I wanted to scream! Did they really think we'd be happy to see them? We weren't. Of course they didn't have a clue, they hadn't been there done that. They had no idea what it was like to put their own lives on hold for someone else, let alone for that long. They only thought they knew because they'd come visit now and then, but what they didn't realize is inbetween visits they could carry on with their daily routines whereas our former daily routine was gone. Would I do it again? You betcha! In a heartbeat. It was also a special time and the blessings from spending those last few years with this precious woman I called Mom were many. It is what family does. And she was so deserving. Yes she had a husband that could have done what I did, but he wasn't able to cope, he wasn't particularly nurturing, and he was needy himself. My FIL just passed away last Spring, I miss him. Even though his son and I eventually divorced, dad and I's relationship never severed. I went to see him every Friday night in assisted living last year. He never forgot what I did for his wife. Every year on my birthday he'd call and sing Happy Birthday to me. I doubt most ex-FILs do that. It just goes to show what a bond was created during that time when mom was bedridden with cancer...a bond that cannot be broken. And his son, my ex, even we have a special bond that even divorce cannot sever...we may have found it difficult to live with each other, but we still care about each other and those memories will always continue. Those days of caretaking were hard...you have to take a day at a time. It is hard to appreciate and enjoy the little moments because you're so busy and yes, exhaustion is ever present.

Lilyy, I am sorry you've found yourself on this end of the "break up due to death" issues...there's several of us that have been through that...it's very shocking at first and hard to process. Your inner self is trying to tell you what YOU need for YOU to heal. As long as you continue contact with him, it can be disruptive to your healing process. After a time, it could be you could be casual friends, I'm able to with my ex-fiance now, but it doesn't work that way with everyone. The important thing is to do what you need to do for YOU right now. I would just talk to him and let him know that it's hard for you to heal and move on when you have contact with him and you need a break for a while at least and if there comes a day you feel you're over him, then perhaps you can be casual friends, but for right now, it's too hard for you. He is a grown up and made his choice, he is capable of seeking out someone else to talk to and be there for him...he should not expect that to be you. I wish you the best, I know how hard it is. By the same token, they do need to understand they can't have it both ways. Things are NOT as they once were and it's important that they get that.

Jeannie, I am sorry you lost your partner, I know it's the hardest thing in the world and we can all relate to what you're going through. Try not to quit your job without another one unless you can afford to because I'm out of work and looking for a job and that's a tough place to be in right now. The alcohol only makes it worse, but I can certainly understand the temptation. Have you thought of finding a grief support group? I'm sorry you aren't in a supportive environment at work...you wouldn't necessarily have to "out" yourself, you could just say your best friend and roommate died, but then I guess that wouldn't give you the bereavement time off. Oh if only everything were equitable and people would be more tolerant and caring of one another, I hate discrimination, I'm so sorry! It's just not fair. I know people are different in differing parts of the county/world, thank God some places are becoming more accepting instead of letting fear rule. I do know what it's like to have to go back to work before you're ready and feel you don't know where you left your brains because you can't focus. It gets better, but oh gosh it's hard at first! I don't feel I ever completely returned to the "pre-death" person I was before. Many here can relate. Well at least you've found a wonderful caring site here, and these people are great, we're like a family, we can come and pour out our feelings and be understood and cared about, and we welcome you here and want you to feel at home with us. There's almost always someone on line so there's a listening ear when you need it. (((hugs))) Kay

Mary, that is a good way of explaining anger, that it makes us feel more powerful and in charge, I never thought of it like that before. In our culture we tend to view anger as a negative thing, but really, it isn't, it can be negative, but it can be positive too. Anger often fuels change, and like you say, empowers us. Melina, I share your feelings. I am happy for my kids that they have a life but theirs is just beginning and I feel mine is on the other end. It's weird to feel all that is over because I don't feel particularly old, but here I am. I'm finding that while I was always in demand (career wise), I am no longer considered a valued commodity. And while I used to have a partner to share in life with, and we did so many things together...it seemed to end abruptly 6 1/2 years ago. What do we do with the rest of our lives? And you're right, we barely have energy to do what we have to do...now that all of the household tasks fall to us alone. I think this is the hardest thing, trying to figure out where to go from here...

I don't know how big the city is, but you could call the mortuaries and crematories to see if they know anything. There has to be a way to find out his final resting place. What about his family?

Becky, what a wonderful idea! See, that's EXACTLY the kind of thing I was talking about! I hope you have a wonderful time doing it. I've only ridden in a helicopter once in my life, it was very special...I got to see Mount St. Helens after it's "comeback" a year after it blew. Let us know how it goes!

I'd say it's a bit of a drive! I am so glad you stood up to them, good for you! What are they going to do, turn your money down? If he needs money, they should accept it, and you're right, you shouldn't have to be penalized because of someone else.

Lance, I'm sorry about your kitten, it is hard to do without our companion, I know, I've lost many pets over the years, and some were very hard. Maybe you can do some decorating for your grandson without going all out...if he's old enough, perhaps you can wait until he can help you? It helps to not have to do it alone and to have it as a shared experience, esp. when you're not feeling like it.

Anne, I hear you loud and clear, and I think most of us have experienced anger regarding our loved one's death. I don't know how far away your BIL lives, but if it's too far to take money to in person, perhaps you could mail a $75 check every day for four days instead of $300 at once? Just a suggestion...I know it's really not about their rules, it's about the anger you're feeling. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with our anger, it can be such a strong emotion. The only thing I've known to do with mine is to channel it energy wise, cleaning...I know that sounds stupid, but it gets out a lot of energy and it helps me to spend it...it drains me, leaving me less energy for anger. The good news is you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you don't have to do the holidays, and you will get around to doing the things you absolutely need to do when you absolutely need to do them. (((hugs))) Kay

Mik, Perhaps you could google his name and maybe the name of the newspaper in his local area and find out what had been planned? If it gives the name of a burial or cremation place, you could contact them to find out where he was laid to rest. Some newspapers also have on-line memorials, I had one started for George. I agree that it is probably best that you let Cindy go her way and you go yours...you tried to reach out and it was rebuffed so that's what you have to go with. You may wish you hadn't retaliated in kind with her, but it's understandable given all you're going through the the heated emotions, so letting it blow over is probably best. The relationship was, after all, more about him than her anyway. You're in my thoughts as you make your way through your grief journey...a journey we've all begun.

Dwayne, It was good to talk to you last night and hear your great news about your grades. My son got his grades last night and was delighted to learn he got straight A's...he'd been worried about some of the classes...the first semester he's tried going to school while having a GF that always wants to see him. 98% is still excellent, I'd be happy if I made 90%, not sure I could at this age! Congratulations!!!

Oh Becky, I wish I was there to put my arms around you. I have a very tall Charlie Brown Christmas tree this year that my son and his GF cut down for me. I hadn't felt I even wanted one, but since they brought it to me, I put it up. In looking at it, I remember Christmases past, one of the happiest being our (George and my) first Christmas together. We had commissioned my son to build a new computer for my daughter, the very first one she had all for herself. It was a purple computer, her favorite color. My son had a computer business (he was a teenager) and since his bedroom was too small to host the parts, I'm afraid they were all over the house...it wasn't uncommon for us to stick our coffee cup on a tower since there was no room for a coffee table. Right before Christmas, my daughter dropped by, and George and I both noticed the purple computer sitting out in plain sight and we knew she'd notice and ask who was getting it, we both had the "uh oh" look on our faces as we exchanged glances. Just then, our Christmas tree decided to topple, diverting attention from the computer to the tree...my daughter and son held it while George ran for fishing line, which he secured it to the wall with. Another funny sight! Meanwhile, I seized the opportunity to whisk the computer away into the closet so she could properly be surprised come Christmas morn. The Christmas tree saved the day! We captured my daughter's opening per present on Christmas morning...instead of wrapping the computer, my son had just wrapped the mouse...when she opened it, she exclaimed, "Is this what I think it is?" then he handed her the bigger wrapped gift, her computer. It is a memory George and I shared and enjoyed, and one of my fondest Christmas memories. So that's what I think about when I look at my Charlie Brown Christmas tree this year. Somewhere, my Love exists, and is remembering with me...

Dave, I had to laugh when you said you discovered his smell in some underwear...Era laundry detergent, ha! I chuckled at your mom's not being impressed. Ahh, so it is, only us, who truly understand. I cried the day I could no longer smell George in his clothing or the sheets. But I remember his smell, always...not detergent or cologne though, but HIS smell, it was the best smell on earth!

Deb, I didn't send out cards that first year either. Nor did I the year John left me. Sometimes it's just too hard and you don't know what to say. Those who matter most already know what's going on in your life and will understand.

Dwayne, at a time when so many are hurting because they have no one or because they lost their loved one, it is good that you can attribute a positive slant to Christmas Day. It takes a lot of focus and positive determination to do that. There are many that don't feel like putting up a Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music, or going shopping...or even attending a church service as they have to do so without their loved one. I know I have felt like that many a time, since this will be my seventh Christmas without George, but I have pushed through and forced myself to because of my kids, even though they're grown. But I had my melt down come Easter that first year, it'd been 9 1/2 months, close to your timeline right now, and I'd made it through all of the holidays and felt I just couldn't do another one, so I didn't. That's okay too. I've always felt the meaning of Christmas was Christ's birth. I know some here don't believe the same way, and that's their choice too, but I think whether we ascribe certain spiritual belief to the day or not, it's still tough because in our culture we've come to celebrate it with family, and no matter how we slice it, that family member is gone from us. I've gotten through it the same way you talk about, by trying to remember his life rather than his death, and what we had rather than what I lost. I think it helps to try something new to get through the day...for me that has been the simple act of hanging his stocking, even with him gone, and writing something to him and putting in it...other family members are free to do likewise. We will each find our own way to get through this day. It might be good for others to share how they have gotten through it, those who have already been through this. Any suggestions, anyone?

It's not about eloquent, it's about expressing ourselves here and you do that just fine. This is a hard time of year, that's for sure, but we'll all get through it, together. (((hugs))) Kay

That is truly inspiring, thank you for sharing that.

Very simply stated. My term "situational depression" was a term my doctor ascribed to my situation years ago...it differs from a chemical imbalance which continues to need treatment. I was treated for a few years and then weaned off of my medication. By the same token, I did not use medication that permanently alters the brain, because I knew as my situation changed, I would no longer need it. Following George's death, I chose not to go back on medication as I knew it was situational...whether that was the most wise decision or not, I cannot say. It could be I might have benefited from an aid. We cannot always choose our circumstances and life does throw curves at us unbidden...during those times it can be a real challenge to not succumb to it. By the same token, we should not be surprised if we find ourselves feeling depressed if and when those curves are super tough. I imagine there are many of us who wanted, albeit temporarily, to give up on life, felt suicidal, and were more than "sad", yet that doesn't mean we are clinically depressed nor do we have a chemical imbalance. It is still a good idea to talk to a doctor and see if there is a medication that would be of benefit or counseling that would help. Sometimes the worst thing we can do is ride it out alone, not seeking help, and isolating ourselves when we might benefit from treatment.

Ahh...answers about depression, that is the million dollar question! It's something we all battle. There's clinical depression and there's situational depression...that is how I'd define the one linked to grief. But how DO you get your motivation back? How DO you triumph over depression? I don't think there's an easy answer, some miracle you can try on. I have learned it's a daily thing...we have choices...we can choose to give in to it, or to try and fight it...and it's the fighting it that's hard. It's the getting up and going to work when you don't feel like it. It's getting out and seeing people when you'd just as soon hole up in the sanctuary of your home. It's the doing things you used to enjoy, regardless of whether or not you feel like it. It's the saying no to alcohol and drugs. And it just might mean a trip to the doctor to see if you'd benefit from a Rx or counseling. And it's giving that a chance. I can't say as I'm depressed, but I have had to fight it from time to time. It'd be so easy to just give in to it, but I can't. To me, that'd be like giving up on life. I'm me, I only have this time to live, so I have to try. Sometimes I wonder if there's any purpose to it. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I'm scared, lonely, sad, but I can't give up. Fighting depression when you can't change what you'd like to about your situation (your loved one is dead no matter how much positive thinking you muster!) seems to be an ongoing battle, but we can win, one day at a time. Stacyines, Your care for the homeless is commendable! For me it's hard to differentiate between who truly needs help and who has chosen to to be where they are...perhaps they all need a hand up but I don't know if handing them $ is that hand or not. I like the idea of soup kitchens, Habitat for Humanity, warming centers, and any place that offers assistance to the homeless, maybe a computer to check their email or job leads, a place to do laundry, etc. Anything that helps them exist with a thought towards their future. Gosh, any of us could be there, it doesn't take much nowadays to fall into that slippery slope...

I think it'd be hard at first but I think it'd get better. Is there someone at the hospital you can talk to about your concerns? An administrator or supervisor maybe? Is there an assessment they can do to help you determine if you're ready? For most jobs it's not so critical, but for yours it is.

Mary, there are two twin cities about 45-65 miles away that I am looking for work in, there is nothing here. This is a beautiful place to retire, but no local work. I was actually very fortunate that for 28 years I got to work in my own town but now commuting is all there is. Sometimes I feel if I just let go of this place right now I could start the adjustment and healing process that much quicker, but of course I don't want to let go of it and THEN get a good job and find out I could have kept it if I hadn't been so hasty. It's a day at a time right now...

Your kids are of an age then that you can talk with them about how they feel and want to handle Christmas. It might be easier if the three of you try something totally different this year, helping at a soup kitchen, going to a ski resort, something you've never done before. But I would definitely consider their input, esp. since they're having such a rough time of it. You might want to incorporate what I've done...I hang George's stocking up and we can write something to him and put it in there...maybe a memory, maybe how much we miss him, something personal, just for him. It's helped me by remembering him, not like I'd forget anyway! And if your kids don't want to do Christmas at all, that's fine too. Too bad there's not someplace to just go fishing this time of year...

Harry, My life has been one thing after another starting 1 1/2 months before George died. I no longer think of troubles in threes, but rather a continual barrage to contend with. I am very sorry you are getting hit with this deluge too. It seems no rhyme or reason how it strikes, no pattern that I can see.

I usually write my response to the thread starter and later as time permits, go through and read others' responses. I was quite surprised that the words I wrote stated so closely what Marty wrote. But I shouldn't be surprised...they are truths we have both learned and experienced.

Yeah and decorating the Christmas tree my son brought me this year...finding the ornament George brought me back from Florida, holding it all the way on the ride home in the airplane so it wouldn't get broken (hand blown glass), and the one of two skating bears (me and George) that says "George and Kay's 1st Christmas" on it...and the one that looks exactly like his fishing hat, the first ornament I'd ever bought him (it was the first ornament he'd ever had) and the one he bought in honor of my son that was serving in the Air Force, and on and on...the Christmas Bears that cuddle together and sing (my GF bought it for us because she said it reminder her of us)...George loved it so much he stuck it in the back seat of the car and the guys that caught a ride to work with him had to put up with it...if they complained he'd make it play it's music. I hung his stocking next to mine on our bedroom door. So many memories, but sometimes they choke you up...