kayc

Harry, What you wrote is very poignant, I almost felt I was intruding on sacred ground. I love that you call her your warrior princess, that is special. She truly was a warrior, she fought the good fight clear up to the bitter end. The one year mark is a big thing, at least it was for me. It wasn't as hard as I'd expected, yes it was emotional, remembering...but I tried to view it as my milestone, I had survived an entire year of "firsts without", no easy feat! It is natural to remember "the end" as we think of it, and that is the truly hard part for me...even now, t 1/2 years later, I still relive it from time to time. My neighbor friend and I just went over our loved ones "end" the other night...it is hard, but it is nice to have someone to talk to about it that understands. The world expects we should be past it by now. There is no such thing! We widows/widowers know that.

Oh Harry, I am truly sorry, 38 is much too young to die and it's impossible to make any sense of it when it's such a spectacular person. You are right, someone has some explaining to do, and I don't mean disrespect when I say that...it's just beyond us to comprehend, let alone begin to understand such loss. My heart goes out to you, please accept my condolences.

I'm glad you brought this subject up, it's something that affects most of us at some time or another. A lot of times when we're on a grief journey, we are afraid to let ourselves be happy because we feel subconsciously that we are letting go of them. Letting go of some of the pain or giving ourselves permission to experience joy is not letting go of our partner. When we have a bond of love like we here have had with our partners, be it two years or forty, it is not a bond that is broken by death or anything else...the love continues forever. Letting go in this sense of the word is merely to say, that this is our reality now and we need to do our best with what we are left with. We will continue to carry them in our hearts and remember them, nothing would or could change that. Grief will continue to hit us here and there, and we will sometimes experience tears or a pang in our heart, but it's healthy to let ourselves begin to experience good feelings as well. That may not happen for some time for some people, but eventually you catch yourself smiling or laughing...when that first happens we sometimes feel guilty...it's important to know that it's normal, it's okay, and we need to tell that guilt good bye.

Dave, it's good to hear you're on the road to things getting better. It hasn't worked out that way for me but there are silver linings in every cloud, even if only the learning through the experience...we have all learned so much through our journey and if it's made us "get it" more and more compassionate, then that is a silver lining...it doesn't outweigh the loss by any means, but in this situation, we have to take what we can get in the positive realm.

What a cutie! Thank you for sharing your picture, they are such sweeties!

I am sorry you are feeling so alone. I really know how you feel. Kids get busy with their own lives and sometimes feel stressed and the one little thing we ask of them seems to be the one thing that sends them over the edge. It sounds like you aren't able to turn to your son for supportiveness. Do you have a church family? It could be that would be an answer for you...in our church the men's ministries sometimes helps the widows in our church but fixing something around their house or cutting wood or something. Of course they don't do the big things that require a contractor or a licensed person, but if there is a real need, I'm sure they'd do what they could. It also might be good to get together with a group of ladies or widows once a week or so, maybe it'd be something you could start. You could meet in a restaurant or take turns hosting each other. Sometimes just having something scheduled gives us something to look forward to and that's half the enjoyment.

Dwayne, I have to hand it to you, I don't know that I could do it! Keep it up!

I do not recall people assessing me but I do recall their devaluing how I felt. One in particular stands out, it was right after George died, I was at church, someone asked how I was and I burst into tears. A lady said "You can't care more about George than you do Jesus!" I looked at her as if she were from the looney bin and said, "George is dead, Jesus isn't." And the pastor, who had overheard, nodded his agreement. My thoughts...this lady didn't have a clue. I find it sad that someone's life can be so sheltered that they haven't a clue how to appropriately respond to someone who is grieving. To state emphatically that someone is somehow grieving wrong "you need to move on" "aren't you over him/her by now?" "you should start seeing other people" "you shouldn't cry in front of others" is to somehow lay blame to how we are doing it and taking away from our experience as to how we feel. We are not doing it wrong, we feel how we feel and our experience is OURS, not anyone else's to judge or correct. Of course we try not to cry in public, we don't like calling attention to ourselves, but sometimes it can't be helped...and it isn't wrong. But no one sees the wee hours of the morning when it's the hardest, when we're home alone, so for anyone to assume anything or make a statement about how we're doing, just isn't appropriate. I don't think they intentionally upset us, but neither do I think it's inappropriate for us to state or correct them in how we are feeling. I have learned to state my mind, emphatically, yet as tactfully as I can...I know, that seems like an oxymoron, it's an art, that's for sure!

With me it was rainbows. When George died there was a tremendous spectacular thunder and lightening storm, it lit up the sky was was HUGE, and IN IT there was a triple rainbow! My sister sent me pictures her husband took, it was at the exact time he died. Unfortunately I lost it when my computer's hard drive crashed as I no longer have access to the email account she sent it to and I wasn't thinking straight enough to save it better. Since that time, when I've needed one, a rainbow would appear, esp. in the first year, not so much now. It always filled my heart with reassurance.

Alone, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious wife, that is the hardest thing in the world to experience, and we've all been through it. How old are your children, if I might ask? Yes, this is a hard season to get through...perhaps parents, siblings, could help you through the kids' holidays if they're young? I went to my doctor when my George passed away, it helps to get a thorough check up and talk to him/her. Try to jut take one day at a time and not look at the years or months looming ahead, it's too much right now. Take good care of yourself, even if it feels like you're just going through the motions, you've been through the biggest jolt of your life, it takes every ounce you can muster to get through it but you don't have to go it alone, we're here for you and we're listening to you.

jwielg1017, Oh yes, things like carrot juice, seemingly innocuous things, just creep out of nowhere and strike when you least expect it...it's called a "trigger" and anything in your memory can evoke one. It's hard because of all of the emotions it conjures up. All of us can relate to what you wrote, we've all been there. I don't think any of us knew how to start over or what to do, but there are some things we've learned along the way that have aided us in our journey. Right now this is all so fresh for you, it'd probably be hard for you to process too much right now, just getting through this day is more than enough. Try not to think about the "rest of your life", it's much too much to bite off right now, but remember to take one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute, whatever you can handle. Take good care of yourself physically, it will help your outlook, take walks, eat healthy, drink lots of water, etc, also massages if you can manage, they're good at getting rid of the toxins and relieving stress. Yoga, meditation, prayer, anything of a spiritual nature if you can muster. It's not uncommon to find yourself unable to pray for a year or so following a loss like this, even if you were an avid pray-er before. Try not to worry about it, your mind, body, spirit, has had a huge jolt and it will understandably take a long time to absorb the shock. Meanwhile, we're here for you, and it helps to express what you're feeling and going through. It's esp. hard for young people because they often feel "different" than others their age...while others are partying or pursuing their careers, you're feeling like your life is over and undoubtedly feeling old because of the experience. It makes it hard to relate to others your age. Frankly, what kind of nail polish to use just doesn't seem important. You may, for a while, relate more to older people, because of what you've gone through, but you are still young so you may not feel you fit in anywhere...that will, with time, sort itself out, trust me, I've been there. You have been through so much, with the loss of the most important people in your life, it just isn't fair. I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) My heart goes out to you, I know all too well those empty feelings.

I'm sorry you lost your fiance and to such a debilitating illness. To have been through so much at your age...you are in between my son and daughter's ages. "Why" is the most natural question in the world, and perhaps the most futile one, but we all ask it until we realize we don't get any resounding answers back...then we change over to "What now" instead. And that's the question that is the hardest to answer and can take some time. Having been his caregiver puts you in the role of having lost what WAS your purpose...it'll take you some time to adjust and figure out what to do with your life now that you no longer have him to take care of and share with. Loss is the hardest thing in the world to experience, esp. with your partner, it affects so much of your existence. We are here to listen and care, and yes, we've been through these same losses and feelings, all in our own unique journey and experience.

Carol Ann, It really is good to hear from you, we'll look forward to hearing your update. You have made remarkable strides over the last 8 years, you are an inspiration to us all. I hope come Christmas the day is more than a memory of her taking her life, but will commemorate for you all of the good years and memories you shared and built together. Peace be with you, Love, Kay

MIK, OMG, I sent you a message before I read this post. I am so sorry! It's up to you whether or not you choose to respond to the text, but I would give it time, right now you're in shock and it's hard enough just processing that he's gone. My only advice is be extra kind and gentle with yourself...no recriminations, have faith in your love and know that what you had was real and he knew it or you wouldn't have been in his life. The other person's grief is hers, right now it's going to take all you can muster just to get through what YOU are going through. Please come here and post whenever you want, we're listening.

Melina, Speaking from my own experience, we can be out of our ever-lovin' mind with grief! I'll never forget that first year, it was horrible, and there is no hand book we can read that will help us do everything "right". Even if there were, we wouldn't have the focus to read and process it.

I'm glad to hear you had a new dog join your family and you are doing better. It so touched me when you'd written how you took your bed off the frame so your dog wouldn't have far to jump...that sounds like something I'd do. I hope you have many more years with your other two!

Sometimes we cry on the inside instead of the outside. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm also glad your cousin found someone to share in life with.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. If ever I come back as a dog (not that I believe in reincarnation, but still...) I hope I belong to you. You are an amazing owner and everything you say is so right on...I, too, believe we will reunited with our pets and loved ones. And I'm glad she got to go before she suffered unduly. It is so hard to lose our pets, the kinship we have with them is just so incredible, but it's us we cry for, for they are happily awaiting our reunion. My condolences, I know it's going to be hard, I'm glad you have Sailor to keep you company, even though I know it's not the same.

Wow, this was so hard to read, I am so sorry for your tragedy. Baby is indeed a sweet little dog, you can tell from her picture. (I used to have a white toy poodle named Baby.) We often berate ourselves afterwards thinking of all of the things we wish we'd done differently, but the reality is, we do what we know to do with the knowledge given at the time. You had no way of knowing Baby would die that day. The image we have of their death continues to haunt us but the reality is, it was but a moment in time, a moment in the entire life that you spent together. It is not that one moment that will stay with Baby for eternity, but rather the memories the two of you have shared together. I believe our animals are waiting for us, but not waiting as in dormant, but rather enjoying their time as they would love to do, until that day when we can join them and once again throw them a ball, rub their belly, stroke their ears, and hold them once again. I know there is nothing I can say that will ease the pain in your heart or fill the void that Baby left, but I do want to say that I care.

Debbie, It's been 6 1/2 years for me and I've gone through different stages. I honestly feel the first year was the hardest, although many have said the second year was for them. My husband died on Father's Day so that day is forever ruined for me and since my kids spend Father's Day with their dad and other people are busy with their family get togethers, that means I'm always alone on his death anniversary to deal with it by myself. Shortly after he died came July 4 and everyone was celebrating with parties, I got a couple of invites, but of course I didn't feel up to going. One by one, the holidays came and went, I cried myself to sleep on my birthday, I somehow made it through our anniversary, Thanksgiving was the pits, and Christmas was horrible, the only good part was having my kids there. by the time I made it to Easter, I major rebelled! I'd gone through all of the holidays one by one without him, I just couldn't do one more! My son said to do whatever I wanted with it, if I didn't want an Easter, don't have one! I ignored the day. I didn't go to church, I couldn't bear to hear the music I'd always been a part of. I didn't have the kids up for dinner, I treated it like an ordinary day! (The following weekend my kids came up for dinner and we didn't mention Easter.) I told you this because I wanted to mention that it's really important to let our loved ones know how we're feeling and what our needs are and not just do things just for them, esp. the first couple of years when it's so fresh. They can't know how you're feeling if you don't tell them and express your wishes to them. We can't just sacrifice our feelings and needs for them...maybe if they're little, but not if they're grown, they need to understand what we're going through and how hard it is. We all choose to handle the holidays differently and it's important to find the way that brings us the most comfort and peace. For some that might mean doing something special to memorialize our loved one...for me, I like hanging his stocking and leaving it there for myself and the kids to put a note in it telling him something...maybe a memory of a time in the past, maybe how much we miss him, something personal and private. It's not for anyone to read, it's just...there. Some go decorate a grave. Some do something they always did with their spouse. Some avoid anything they did with their spouse. Some throw themselves into the season, decorating, baking, working themselves to death to avoid any time to think. Some can't bear the thought of a tree or Christmas music. Listen to your inner heart telling you how YOU need to handle the season and give yourself permission to handle it that way. Sit your loved ones down and tell them how you'll handle it so they can understand. It will get better, but probably not for some time yet. Meanwhile, please accept a cyber hug from me. I wish I could offer so much more. (((hugs))) Kay

Oh Vickie, I'm sorry you've gone through so much, it seems when it rains, it pours! (My bdy is Oct 7 so at least your D-Day wasn't the same.) I'm glad you're on the road to seeing better again! Bless your mom's heart. I'm glad to hear the new store is going well. I had the impression you were working for someone else, are you still? This having to struggle at this age is ridiculous! I haven't had an interview for two months and the jobs seem to have dropped off the horizon. The unempl. office sent me to a temp. outfit, which wouldn't work too well for me being as I commute so far, but I went anyway and haven't heard back from them, it's been five days. The anxiety is affecting my sleep...I can't. I just want to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up...except for my dog, I basically keep going for my dog. He is the world to me. I'd rather be homeless with my dog than live without him. It's awful to think these thoughts. It seems like everyone around me has a partner to weather the storms with, but me, I'm just on my own. My mom's mental state and dementia gets worse every day. We're going to try and get senior services involved to see if they can force her to get evaluated, she refuses to and won't cooperate with the least little thing. She gives all of her money away to ministries and won't save any back for heat and food and then calls us when she's cold or hungry, and it creates a hardship for us. Senior services informed us we're responsible for her care or we could be up against criminal charges, yet we have no control over her, no one will tell us anything (it breaks privacy laws) and she has a lot more disposable income than I do since I only work one day a week now. If I don't get a job soon, I will lose my home that I've lived in for 34 years. At this stage of my life, my home should be paid for and I should be able to afford to take a lower paying job, but that's not my situation. I almost wish it was all over and the dust would settle so I could start adjusting, but unfortunately I have this ugly process to go through this coming year. Reading your story tells me that maybe there's hope...you've been through so much uncertainty, had to face fears and yet you're coming through it. Hopefully I will too. Stay in touch! Love, Kay

Stacyines, Your Millie is so cute! I am a huge dog lover, I can't imagine life without them. I heard about what was going on in Calif. on the news, so much hardship! I hope the weather settles down soon! We're having a cold front, it's been in the 20s at night and 30s in the daytime for the last 1 1/2 weeks and the next week to come predicts more of the same, after that, who knows. I'm just glad there's no precip. or I'd be hammered with snow! Dwayne, it was so fun to see your little dog! I love to see people's dogs, they are such a big part of our lives! I'm sure you aced your tests...my son has two more finals today, am praying for him, he has so much on his plate. My unemployment officially ran out so will call for an extension today. I called yesterday and they had a 96 min. hold time, since I was at work (still just Mondays) I couldn't hold that long. Mondays continue to be exhausting for me, way too much to do in the given time. I ended up working late (don't get paid for it).

I'd have been a heck of a lot better off medicating than what I did...remarrying. There is nothing wrong with a Rx helping you cope, it's a matter of finding the right one for you, one that takes the edge off so you can deal with things a bit easier rather than one that makes you a zombie or permanently alters the brain. Not all medicines are the same!

Mary, This weekend is our "Sugarplum Festival" a lot like your Country Christmas, ours is a small town too. Last night I sang in the choir at City Hall, all afternoon I made Christmas cards to sell in our local art gallery and then I got a call last night that a friend wanted me to put cards in her booth so I got up early and started getting them ready for display. So I'll drop them off and visit with people, then tonight we have our Bridge Lighting ceremony in Westfir and I'll go to that. It's hard going without a partner, but I've gotten rather used to it. I'd prefer not to be alone but have to still do things for me and won't let "alone" stop me. It's a busy weekend! I'm glad there's no snow for the moment, I've been going through a wheelbarrow full of wood every day, that's a lot, it's been very cold with more predicted!

Marley's Mom and Holly, I am so sorry for your losses. Our beloved pets are one of the strongest bonds we can have, it is no wonder that the corresponding grief is so intense. You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers, I am just so sorry. Kay