kayc

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. He was a heel to not be completely up front and honest with you. You are fortunate to be rid of such a heel and I'm afraid I find him undeserving of your love. I've heard it said "he who cares the least, holds the most power." Unfortunately, I have found this to be true. However, in a true wonderful reciprocal love, no such game playing or keeping count is necessary. I had such wonderful complete mutual love with my late husband...this is now the standard to which I measure love by. Do both in the relationship place each other of utmost importance? Do both feel they can't imagine life without the other? Is the relationship healthy and positive for both? Do both feel that the other somehow brings out the best in them, helping them to be the best they can be? Be wary of anyone who doesn't introduce you readily to family and friends. Be wary of anyone who lies outright or by omission. Good luck to you in your future...you are now free to meet someone more qualified to be your partner...should you wish it.

And thank YOU very much for writing! I always look forward to reading a new chapter.

I have an interview tomorrow (2:30 pst)...I'm trying not to let myself feel anything because I don't want my hopes dashed...also it's 1 3/4 hours away...in GOOD weather, that means an extra hour of driving per day beyond what I was doing, which was bad enough...it could be double that in bad weather. It's for a swimming pool company, so I'm not sure how stable that would be in our present economy. But still it's encouraging that SOMEONE liked my resume enough to call me in for an interview, that's great in itself! I covet your prayers that the outcome would be in God's will.

Thank you for sharing this with us, it's amazing!

[Janine, I am sorry you lost your husband, it affects every aspect of our lives so it's no wonder it's such a hard thing to go through. I am glad you found this site, we will listen to you and care, we've all been there, but it really helps to express what you're going through. I'm glad you have kids, they will be going through their own grief but all of you can be there for each other. Please keep coming here... (((hugs))) Kay

Stacyines, I wish I could put my arms around you and make you feel better. I know this is probably going to take a while for you to work through. If you don't get anything else out of this please listen to and believe these words: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Your BF committed a horrific act on impulse. There is no fight that can't be gotten through worked out, nothing worth committing suicide over. He was in pain and thus expressed it in the most extreme way. He didn't think it through, it wasn't his plan to make you suffer the rest of your life...in fact, he didn't have a plan at all, it was impulse, sheer impulse. Please don't accept what his family or friends try to lay on you. For crying out loud, Honey, you're 20 years old! You're a kid yourself, you are not responsible for this young man's taking his life. Yes you had plans to marry and have kids, had plans to finish your education, had plans to spend your lives together, and now his act has changed everything. Suicide is the most selfish act one can commit, I'm sorry, but it wasn't purposeful, it simply wasn't thought out. It will take you a while to work through all of this and forgive him for what he did to you, to both of you, and to his family and friends. PLEASE get some help in working through this, their are grief counselors, you can contact a counselor through your school and get a referral for some help, don't try to do this alone. I am so glad you ARE here, I am so glad because you still have your life to live and even though it doesn't seem good right now, it will change. Your life will not always be like it is today, please believe that, it will get better eventually. Do you have any close family or friends around that can be supportive of you right now? Meanwhile, please keep coming here, voice yourself, we will listen, we will care, we'll be here for you, okay? (((hugs))) Kay

Dwayne, Thanks for the update...I have never tried a marathon and don't intend to start now, the most I've ever walked in one day was 17 miles and I would have been fine with it if it hadn't been on concrete but unfortunately concrete is very unyielding and I'm used to soft trails. 2-5 miles/day is more my speed.

Nats, I am very happy for you, changes like that can be very disruptive, I'm glad you don't have to go through it. And the butterfly was a great touch!

Dwayne, didn't they say once before that they saw something in your lungs? We'll have to keep on praying, I know you want so much to start your nursing classes and I hope this week goes well for you and you continue to improve!

Beth, You do whatever brings you comfort...carry his ashes around if it helps you. As for his family, the ashes belong to you and you have the best idea of what he would have wanted...it is okay to do that. Maybe you can send a small amount to his mom to do with as she wants.

Everything you say is normal and doesn't surprise me in the least. It is common to push back grief by keeping busy. When we experience new losses, be it a person or job or home or health, it triggers the old loss and makes it all magnified and fresh. You've found a very caring place to be where others are going through the same thing, we are here for you.

I tend to think of practical issues and wonder if it could have legal financial ramifications for you as it could assail his "estate". You might want to consult legal counsel before doing anything. I'm sorry, I just think of these things... I don't know if it would help the family to know or if it would stir up things that they've just finally laid to rest, who can know. Anyone out there that's been through something like this? If so, what are your thoughts?

Melina, (((hugs))) Kay

Zubeir, It is good to hear from you again and I'm glad you have someone who is good to you. I'm also glad you feel that getting away was a good decision for you! Kay

Cheryl made me cry with her gesture, that was so sweet, this really is a wonderful group of people, is it any wonder I still come here after six years?! Dwayne, I'm glad you are in the choir...I was in choir today too as well as helping on the morning worship team. This heat wave we've been having is draining me, it saps my energy, I haven't done anything all day and now need to walk the dogs in it. But I'm thankful it's not a tornado or snow, it could be worse! I was proud I'd been able to keep my Diabetes at bay so that's why I felt a failure when I had to join the ranks of all those who require "help" managing it. Ahh well, my body is what it is, bad genes and all...I continue to walk twice a day and eat healthy and am active, don't know what more I can do. Well the dogs are calling me to come walk them (one at a time now)...

I think LIMBO is a perfect word to describe where we find ourselves "afterwards". Not feeling the energy/purpose/drive to do the things that we used to do together, even things we know we have to do...like cleaning out a storage shed. It's as if we try to put off those things. We feel lackluster and don't find real joy and purpose like we used to have. Oh we know there are the little joys, maybe seeing grandchildren (which I don't have yet) and our pets keep us going, and some find purpose like Dwayne enrolling in nursing, but for so many of us, no matter how much time passes, we feel we are stuck in this limboland where life is not the same and we don't know how to get back to how we used to feel. The truth is, we don't. Those days, those dreams, those feelings, that sharing, that is gone. But we do find it life more cope able than it used to be, we don't cry as often, we learn to live with our loss and our aloneness, although some days are still a struggle. We stop expecting them to come back and rescue us from this lethargy of non-existence. We stop listening for their voice that we know will not come. We stop hoping to see them come in through the door. We get new jobs, we move, we make new friends...but still, there is something inside of us that seems missing...and it is. For me it is that George-shaped hole in my heart...and that is a tribute to him, to how much he meant to me, how much he affected my existence, how much he wormed his way into my heart...that "missing him" ache that continues day after day no matter what I do. Something funny has happened to me this year...I don't try to replace him or squelch the pain or emptiness...I accept it, it just is what it is, and it is how things will be the rest of my life, and I've learned to live with it. This IS my life, it's all that I have. It has it's phases...I had a phase where George was in it and now that phase has passed and I am alone, but it's okay, if I talk to him or write to him and people think I'm nuts, that's okay too...this IS my life as I know it. Will I ever know true happiness again? I doubt it, not like I had, but I have accepted this is my life and this is it's newest phase, and if I find a little joy here and there along the way, that is good.

I don't believe we just "cease to exist". I haven't "seen signs" nor do I think everyone does. Life, to me, seems to change form...some believe in another place you go to, some believe in reincarnation, but pretty much all of us believe people continue on in our memories and hearts. It's is hard for me to believe that George, as vibrant as he was, could just suddenly not be...it makes more sense to me that he is somewhere, and I don't try to figure it all out, I don't have to know all of the answers, just accept that this is what is now and I believe we will be reunited again some day...but our spirits aren't ever that far away.

Well you seem to be realizing things a lot faster than the rest of us did...it's been 13 months yesterday since Jim broke up with me and I am just realizing some of these things after a year away. I wish him well too but no longer trust or have my heart open.

Patty, Thank you for giving us an update, it is encouraging to hear. Mary just posted a link in "three Unbearable Days" that was very good, I wish I could have read it six years ago, it would have aided my journey...I hope you get a chance to look at it.

Thank you Mary. I like what she said, "I prefer to call these emotions “dark,” because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom." I have never thought of it in that way.

Pam, Those two things could definitely do it, I'm sorry! (((hugs))) Kay

Interesting take... The first thing she wrote was probably one of the most important to remember. Yes we grieve but we don't need the trauma as she puts it...when our ex says to us "It's not you, it's me."...believe them. Chances are they're right. It's not us, it's them. Remember not to personalize even though it hurts like hxll and it sure FEELS personal...don't own their breakup, it's theirs, they chose it and let them have it. As for us...it's good for us (with time and with a heck of a lot of grieving meanwhile) to move on from it...don't give them the power to wound us forever, tell yourself no matter what it feels like right now, you're going to be okay...eventually.

Thank you for the suggestion, Marty! It's a good idea...

Dwayne, I'm glad to hear about your unemployment extension, that's great news! I know how you're feeling...the stress I've been under has wreaked havoc with my health. I got my blood test results and my doctor said the stress releases cortisol in my system which makes my cholesterol and blood sugar levels go up so she has to put me on medicine for it. Up until now I've managed my Diabetes with diet and exercise so it makes me feel like a failure. ANOTHER medicine! I wish I didn't have to be on any! It's so neat to hear about the flower, that is so cool! I love to hear about people's "signs"...I don't seem to get them but I still think it's neat.

I'm really sorry you lost her, she's so cute and I can tell how much a part of your life she became. It does help to write about it, when we grieve, we need to be heard and our feelings validated, all the more since we felt stripped of our power in that no one asked us if this is what we wanted to happen. I find it helps to regain power wherever we can, by being heard and making choices that we can. Memorializing them in some way helps too, a grave marker or special urn, or some way of doing something on their behalf. My heart goes out to you in your loss.