Beliefs??

[Margm]

30 minutes ago, kevin said:

...Don't be too hard on my redneck brothers..

Kevin, you gotta know I was teasing.  I love you guys on here and wish there were some around in these parts that would share with the women.  You have got to know that the men probably do not even know we are meeting.  I know one that approached me to talk at the car dealership that had been married for 49 years.  He wanted to talk.  So we talked. We all want to talk, we have to know that what we feel is felt by us all.  We all need help, male and female.  And, I still think there are men who have lost their wives in that big church who would get help.  I have another friend that lost his wife after over 50 years and he lives about 500 miles away and he is hurting.  I think in the larger cities there would be more involved.  I have already mentioned it twice and I am afraid if I mention it again they are gonna think this old lady is looking for a grieving widower.  But, I do think I will mention it to the other leader, who is one of the pastors of the church.  You see, being in this forum before the group, I know how our talking it out helps, some..  But meeting once a week does not help people as much as having somewhere to go when help is needed, maybe at midnight some night and usually there is someone to talk to.  Meetings once a week are okay.  I will keep going.  But then again, maybe the women would be uncomfortable.  Maybe I'm just a wild crazy woman. (I would not deny it).  

Talked to my daughter about maybe quitting the meetings and I got my first negativity from the family.  Surprised me.  Maybe she was not listening.  

[Gin]

Marge,. When I was looking for a local group, I was finally lucky to find one that met weekly in the daytime.  Some are monthly.   Even the huge local church did not have anything.  Oh, they have a social group for seniors, but not for widowed.  The weekly group ended so I go to the monthly one.  Our group here is so much more helpful.

[kevin]

Marg, I know your teasing and love it, but the Mars /Venus thing is real. Men and Women are wired differently.......It is difficult to Generalize....Men tend to remarry more than Women....don't know why, but those are the numbers........I think its an Age correlation..

[iPraiseHim]

14 minutes ago, kevin said:

Marg, I know your teasing and love it, but the Mars /Venus thing is real. Men and Women are wired differently.......It is difficult to Generalize....Men tend to remarry more than Women....don't know why, but those are the numbers........I think its an Age correlation..

It's true men and women are different!  Women tend to be more relational and Men are more task oriented.  Most men are not taught or equipped to dealing with feelings and emotions, other than anger and rage.  These are generalizations and there is a wide spectrum on both sides. 

I believe our emotions are similar but how we see, understand, and cope with our emotions, are filtered through many different levels. Also women tend to lean more toward security and find comfort within groups rather than risk through dating again, etc.. Also our hormones are different....   - Shalom

[Margm]

Kevin, I never got into that Mars/Venus stuff, but being with one man for nearly 55 years, I know the difference in attitude and in responses.  When Billy and I got married, because I was not working (his wife was not going to work), he said marriage was 75/25.  Guess who was the 25.  Billy had had a rough childhood and did not trust women because of his mom.  His sister and he used to follow her on her escapades.  Even had a date with the funeral director by the time the funeral of Billy's dad was over.  I was supposed to be barefoot and pregnant.  Even if I crossed my legs in my "tomboy" way, which I was a tomboy.  I took his abuse (not physical), for 9 years and then when I went to work I paid him back for the abuse.  We were able to talk about it later on.  He understood my side and forgave me.  Knowing he was no angel, if I had not already "paid him back" I would have been looking for revenge.  We talked about that too.  We were two of the happiest married couples ever (the last 20-30 years) but before that it took a lot of fighting to keep it together..  Billy was a "MAN" but he learned to reach his feminine side by becoming my partner.  And, that makes me so happy that I can see real men admit their feelings.  I know Billy would have admitted his, and he might have gone to a  grief meeting.  He had mellowed out those 20-30 years.  But, if I had it to do over again, all the bad and good, I would not change a single thing.  He was a good guy, he just had to be trained.  So did I.

Anyhow, it does my heart good to see men come on here and talk about their pain.  (I know that sounds cruel) and I don't mean it to be.  I just know, even though there is a difference in men and women, when it comes to grief, we are all on common ground.  And, I know there are men out there that think they have to suffer through this, and they do, we all do, but finding out there are other sufferers, sufferers of the same sex, Venus and Mars are not that different.  (I don't think I would like that book).  I believe in equal pay for equal work.  But, and this is my old woman coming out, I think men are better equipped to do some things we women cannot do.  (Like be on the front line in a war).  I don't like women preachers (yeah I will catch hell about that), and I don't like women announcing my football games.  (And I wish I had never watched Mike Strahan in Magic Miike.  I just  cannot watch him announce sports).  

 

[MartyT]

I too am grateful to our male members for their active participation on our site. Their willingness to share with all of us "through the eyes of men" enhances our understanding or grief and enables us to be more understanding and tolerant of one another. We need their masculine perspective, and their presence here with us is priceless. ♥

More on this topic of "the Mars/Venus thing": How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences 

[Margm]

I loved medical transcription because it was a series of partial words, put together meaning other things.  After you got your prefixes and suffixes in line, you could understand this whole different language.  I knew a couple of the meanings to the words in the article, Marty.  One word I do not remember ever hearing, so I learned a new word that I can forget three minutes from now.  The word was dissonant.  

I am glad the men on our forum are not worried about "instrumental or intuitive".  I honestly feel I go through the whole range.  And I am so happy our guys, (maybe not being "seen" has something to do with it) are free and honest with their emotional pain.  I hate it that any of us has to go through with it, but I do think that bottling it up, not feeling it and letting it show, eventually it will come out, and maybe not in a good way.  I wonder if the pain of losing my mother will ever hit me.  I was almost the same with my dad.  I loved my parents and they did the best they could with what they had.  They used the modalities they were taught and never read Dr. Spock.  Probably never heard of him.  But, I am a loving person, I know I am, but I wonder when my grief for my parents will come out.  I would prefer it didn't.  Strange, I see my sister having the same problem.  

[kevin]

I tell you what is equal for Men and Woman.   The Real Grief onslaught once the shock wears off....those first weeks of numbness, followed by another few weeks of not thinking straight. That is why this board came my way(thanks google) and I found out I wasn't the only one feeling this way....After eight months I was able to live with my Grief and function ...holidays are killers.....Broke down and got a haircut the other day. At church today people asked what I did to myself  I look different and younger....I asked them, how bad did I look...?.....But I have been rehabbing steady and no breads for a week...but two pints a day is about the norm ....now a picture of grandson and yours truly

[Margm]

You and Butch have the cutest grandchildren.  Babies always make me smile.  Good pictures, hang on to them.  We had a lot made when ours were young.  They thought they were our kids.  Now the boy, who is in his early 30's is lost somewhere in California.  He is not ready to give up the dope, so I hope he makes it.  He is homeless and prefers that life over a family existence.  He has a little girl but cannot see her.  So sad.  Keep posting those pictures.  Baby pictures always bring smiles.  We need that sunshine.  

[kevin]

Every family has been touched by drugs and the wrecking of lives and families it has entailed....We need Harsher penalties for distribution, including bogus  prescriptions........I truly know the pain  and agony you have have been subjected too. I believe this was the majour contributor to my Angela's stress and related strokes....Her daughter drove her crazy... 

[Gin]

Kevin,

Thanks for the pictures of grandson and you.

[kayc]

I knew John Gray through my job (Men are from Mars...) he is a very nice man.  I think there's a lot of insight in his book/s.

Kevin, what an adorable picture!!  Both you AND baby!  You have a beautiful smile!  I gotta ask you though, what is a pint of bread??

Instead of harsher penalties for distribution we have pardons!  Not sure I get that.

 

[kevin]

The pints refer to Beers.......not Bread......Beer is my minor vice.....I meet at least three time weekly at local pub. We discuss sports, politics, and and News in general.....always home by noon.....my support group

[Margm]

Well, at least you meet three times a week with your support group rather than only once.  

[Gwenivere]

Sounds like my kind of support group, Kevin.  ??

[Margm]

Every family has been touched by drugs and the wrecking of lives and families it has entailed....We need Harsher penalties for distribution, including bogus  prescriptions. (Kevin)

My son went to California, he had a place open in rehab (for my grandson)  in Arkansas.  His son hid out from him.  Scott went into places that the police told him he was lucky to get out alive.  They cautioned him against it.  Yet, a newspaper picture of my grandson with a large knife and a policeman only kept him in jail maybe three days.  He is harmful to himself and others.  His mom and dad both want him committed, but the government will not do it.  They will keep him 2-3 days, then he is let out.  No one pays his bail, they just let him out.  Where is the three strike rule that used to be in effect? Trump does not speak softly, and I don't know if his hands are big enough to carry a big stick, but once drugs get a hold on people, like alcohol, sometimes they are like a train without brakes heading down a steep mountain.  My beautiful cousin, inside and out beautiful died of alcohol poisoning in her 16-year-old son's arms.  What a legacy to leave.  And Karen, and those that have lost children, this happened about 15 years ago and her little Mama is just withering away.  The son married and thankfully no one else has the habit, but we definitely have the addiction gene.  

[kevin]

I feel for all that pain...My sister got mixed up in Oxy and alcohol and passed away two Christmas's ago, brother in law died of Heroine overdose, Angela's X died of pils and booze, daughter still on the edge with Crack, and my father died of Liver cancer...I think we also have that addiction gene....Grandfather made it to 90...still some hope..

[WolfsKat]

On 1/14/2017 at 7:19 PM, Marg M said:

 (Sorry guys on this forum, I honestly was hoping we would have some true blue loving men like you have been, but maybe it is a southern country redneck thing that prevails in these parts...........again, it could be because they are Baptists)  Sorry Kay, I had to throw that one in. 

Marg..........you are a pistol!!!!  I enjoy so many of your posts, you are definitely one of a kind!  And I mean that in a GOOD way.....I love your no-nonsense outlook and your blunt way of speaking!!!!   xo Kat