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I do apologize to the group as a whole for my insensitive remarks to a member of the group.  I am sorry, I cannot apologize to that person directly, or indirectly, but for those that think I said too much, I agree.  I erased a lot, I rewrote a lot, and finally I left a lot that really did not need to be said.  We all hurt over loss, that is the common thread of this forum.  This time this stirred up a firestorm that I should have squelched at the beginning.  I know that.  We have all kinds of relationships on here, but I cannot see harming a family that has already lost their mother.  Obviously he expected an apology, but you have to apologize from the heart and I did not feel it.  I do apologize to the group though that thought me insensitive.  

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Marg, you don't ever need to apologize for speaking your heart.  I have stayed out of the conversation you are speaking of because I know my thoughts would not be well received.  When we post and ask for opinions, we have to prepare we may not like them.  If that is too much to handle, then best not to ask.  I apply this in my real life dealings too.  It's not fair to put people in the position they can't express what they honestly feel.  If that's the case,  Marty might a well fold up this place as that would be freedom lost.  

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I felt so strong about it that I wrote and wrote and deleted and deleted.  I wish I was as wise as you, I would have kept my opinions to myself.  And, they are very strong opinions, and when they are, that is when I need to keep quiet.  

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You're right Gwen. I couldn't handle it and wasn't prepared for what I heard. I shouldn't have asked the question. 

What hurt me deeply though was not the advice/opinions I didn't want to hear, but rather the feeling of being judged, by Marg. I read countless times on this site how people are grateful that they don't feel judged here, that it is a safe place, somewhere for them to be able to relate their grief without that feeling. But right now, I feel absolutely judged, based on what I feel are inaccurate assumptions about my situation. It feels sharply painful, to be made to feel like I am an evil person, when I know I have done nothing BUT take into account the feelings and grief of her family and friends, at the complete expense of my own.

The reality is, it's so, so frustrating having to try and explain or convey or justify the complexities or history of my situation and I think my efforts to do so on here, and the need I feel to do so, are actually routed in my own insecurities and regrets. It's easier when talking to a counsellor face to face who sees the expressions on my face and who I have been able to paint a clearer picture to.

Marg and everyone else, I apologise to you for this episode and thanks to you all for having been there for me when I sought this place, it was a lifesaver.

Thanks.

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I can only say that this forum is tame compared to marriagebuilders.com which I also belong to.  I don't see this place as judgmental but I know feelings can run deep depending on people's own past experiences.

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My opinion in general (I'm not refering to a particular post):

This group is called: grief healing discussion group.

Discussion implies freedom of speech, interaction and different points of view  My opinion is that, unless stated differently "ie. I`m not asking for advise/opinion, I just want to express myself"., a post is subjected to receive feedback. 

members are not requested to have a degree in psychology in order to express opinions about their grief or other members' grief. And in so, our opinions are what they are, what they worth and come from where they come from (values, personal story etc). We shouldn't be asked to comment as a trained professional in psychology does, like Marty does, for example.  If so, the group should be called: an open letter to Marty.

There are stories that affect and call upon us more than others. This is true in each aspect of our life.

since this is a virtual-written based forum, our comments may be expressed in wrong ways or may be read wrong. 

I've been reading and commenting since 2015 and I believe we all here mean well and try to help as first intention. 

 

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We are not here to judge anyone, Finch, and I'm so sorry to learn that you feel that way. I want very much for this to continue to be a place where everyone feels safe, including you, and I monitor the site very carefully with that goal in mind. You asked some very specific questions in your other thread, and several members offered their responses ~ all based on their personal experiences and with (I assume, knowing them as I do) the best of intentions. No one here thinks of you as "an evil person" ~ Rather, I think we see you as a person in great pain, struggling to deal with and come to terms with your own overwhelming loss. We all have that in common, and in that sense, I assure you that you are not alone.  

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Thanks Marty. 

I get that everyone is well intentioned and I appreciate that people were trying to help, and everyone has their own views and experiences.

I overestimated my ability to handle or react to it. This is all of my own doing, and I really want to just move on.

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Finch, please know that I do appreciate and feel for what you must be going through. When I went to Dana's memorial service in Connecticut, her boys, her ex-husband, her sister-in-law and others were surrounded by mourners and well-wishers. Her ex was civil to me, and her oldest boy came by and gave me a hug. Otherwise I was an outsider, an inconvenience. As just a 'boyfriend,' I am collateral damage.

We have heard your cries and felt your pain. If I reacted hastily, it was not out of meanness, but concern. I would not want to add to any other's stress.

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Enough of my history crap, I said I was not going to write anymore.  Mama always said when anything went wrong I always looked guilty.  

Dave, you were not a secret.  When you say her "ex" husband, he is the father of her boys, but she was not under his house anymore.  Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fiancee, whatever you are to someone, you are not a secret that would cause her children to think different of their mama.  

Mama's and Daddy's are not saints, we do lots wrong.  But, by the time I slide on outta here, there will be no surprises.  Not perfect parents, not perfect partners (except the last part), but I would not want my grown kids to find out their dad had been anything any different than the man they knew all their life.  

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Dave,

I don't see your situation as even similar.  That doesn't mean I judge anyone/anything, I just feel we're talking apples/oranges here.

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