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Hi everyone....haven't written much lately as I am having a pretty hard time.  Second-year anniversary is coming up on the 13th of this month.  Is it real that everyone has a harder time around that event?  I have been waking up crying, something I haven't done since the very beginning; feeling so lost again, lonely, adrift.  This seems endless sometimes.  I keep telling myself "this too shall pass."  It seems like if I were younger, 40s maybe, there would be more to look forward to and focus on.  I'm 67 and feeling like I'm just going into old age alone.  This feels so punishing.  I am still going but getting tired.  Thanks for listening, Cookie

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Hi Cookie,

I feel the same.  Al has been gone 20 months yesterday.  Some days are really hard.  Yesterday, my daughter and son-in-law took me to 3 shelters looking for a dog.  I have a hard time walking and got tired of looking.  There were plenty of dogs that probably would have been fine, but I just could not decide.   I wanted to ask Al what he thought.   I will be 77 and EVERYTHING is hard,now. We just have to keep trying to give meaning to what we have left.  

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Cookie,

Somehow I don't think 40s would be any better, I was 52 when George died, and I felt it left me adrift to figure everything out alone, to face the recession and joblessness alone, to face adult kids' problems alone, to face growing old alone.  I'm turning 65 soon and the way I see it, you have two years less to do.  I know, not very positive, but how I'm feeling.  Sometimes it just gets old.  Our "anv. of death" is the 19th. George's bdy the 14th.  It was on Father's Day so I have Sun/Mon to get through.  

I hope that coming here will lift you a bit on that day.  I want to send you cyber hugs.  I can't change anything for either of us but I want to be here to listen whenever you want to talk...

Gin,

You will know when you meet "the dog", I knew when I first saw Arlie's picture in the paper.  I knew he was the one. He looked so alert and happy!  I was on my lunch break and when I got back to my office I called and told them to hold him for me.  I rushed over there after work and they said someone else was getting him.  I was sick.  But that person didn't show up so they called them and were told they changed their mind.  They asked if I wanted to come back and get him the next day.  Hell no!  I wasn't placing my baby in their hands to chance losinghim!  I took him right then and there and I didn't care if it inconvenienced him.  he had Kennel Cough, diarrhea from bad dog food, had never been in a car or house, I had my hands full!  But he housebroke within two weeks, got well with my loving care, and he's been my baby ever since!  He's also a good protector for me, since I live alone way out in the country.  Yep, you'll know when you meet "the one". ;) 

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Kayc and Gin:  Thanks for your responses.  Let's all get together and have coffee some time (ha).  I know I am not alone.  I need to remember that.  I guess it doesn't matter how old you are when you lose someone precious; just get feel like I have limited options sometimes.  That's me trying to fix things, always wanting to fix it and move on.  This doesn't work that way, though, I guess.  I agree with Kayc, that you will know when you find that dog.  Looking on-line is a great way.  That is how we found Ranger; saw his sweet face and just knew he was for us.  I hope you find the one, Gin.  Good thoughts to you both, Cookie

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Cookie, when significant dates approach, I find myself feeling more lost, lonely and I cry more often. When the day arrives, I'm numb, some days later I feel "restored" in my emotions. It's normal in grief, I think. I'm 38, finishing year 3. I understand your feelings.

Warm regards. Take care

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I honestly don't think age makes much of a difference. Three people said to me last June, in so many words, to try to look on the bright side, it could be worse, I'm only 46, I have plenty of years ahead of me and new experiences to have and lots of time to find someone else if I want to. And my response was that I don't want any of those things, and that the other side of the coin is that I have lots and lots of years to get through without Jo.

Cookie, I passed my one year anniversary on Monday and I felt pretty poor, though I did that anticipatory thing I often do and went through the 'feeling absolutely horrendous' period a bit before, spanning I guess a week...and then I wasn't quite so bad on the day. I felt very numb, but I can cope with numb reasonably well. So I can relate totally to your post, as to yours scba. The lead-up to these things can be worse than the actual day which I guess we try to be 'ready' for, and prepare ourselves for it the best way that we can....and then sometimes find that it's maybe slightly less bad than we thought.

Sending hugs.

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Dr L,

Today is a one-year for me, of a different sort. It was one year ago today that Dana flew to North Carolina to see me for the first time in 32 years. The reunion was joyous, and we were laughing like old times in moments. I am close to 6 months since her death. We had such a short, but what a glorious time together.

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Folks, I don't think Billy was actually listening, but when I was in my car, or just walking from the house to the washateria, I looked to the sky and talked to Jesus and Billy.  Would get them mixed up but just felt like someone was listening.  Then no one was at the end of my phone to Heaven.  We never did too much to celebrate occasions.  We had family reunions we went to in our younger years and then of course Christmas and Thanksgiving, but other than Billy needing to always get presents, not much celebrating so when the days come around they are just another day without him.  I do buy him a card still and say the things I used to say, but acknowledging so many months without him.  

I don't know, but I think my family provides me with enough worry and problems that like today, I did cry, but I cried because Kelli's tumors have shrunk.  Still have some health problems with Bri and worry about Scott, but they are all following the path that is for them and I don't want to go along for the ride, but helping when I can.  

Somehow, I just felt Billy could hear me.  I begged/prayed for help with Kelli, so maybe they are listening.  

And this Dr. Lenera, is a word salad.  Mama used to make a wilted salad using bacon grease on fresh greens from the garden with little green onions, and I feel wilted and tired.

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Marg, 

That is wonderful!  Kelli must feel great to have such news, I'm sure her Mama does!

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  • 1 month later...
On ‎06‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 5:56 PM, me-alone said:

Hi Cookie, I am in that same boat also.  I am heading for 6 yrs and at our age with nothing to look forward too. I just think I am ticking off time. It will get easier in time but not what we want. Hugs

Yes, it feels like just putting in time a lot.  Never wanted to live life like this; always had great aspirations to make a difference, be excited about being alive; that seems to have gotten lost in all this.  Wonder if I will ever be excited about life again?  Anyway, hugs to you too....Cookie

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