The pain is crushing

[K.D.]

I live in Texas and the flowers and trees have already started to bloom. Spring has never looked so ugly or seemed so inappropriate. My beautiful dog has only been gone less than 48 hours. It’s excrutiating. He was my world. 

[MartyT]

The pain you're feeling is the measure of the love you have for your precious fur baby. Lean into that pain, and honor it as such. ❤️

[kayc]

Go ahead and shed those tears, they can be part of our processing our grief, you have much to miss and good reason for the pain you are feeling.  Do not fear, it won't stay in this intensity, it will lessen to something more tolerable eventually...that will not mean you are "over him" or didn't love him enough, it is merely our body's amazing resilience, without which we couldn't survive.  Always you will miss your baby boy and love him.  (((hugs)))

[K.D.]

Thank you. It’s crazy all the strange things my mind is doing. It makes the grief even worse. All these horrible tricks my mind is playing on me. 

[Sharon C]

Feel your pain     I'm in day 4 without my baby   o just break down crying randomly.. My heart is broken.. I miss him so much .. he was my best friend ... slept with me tooked up like my ole man..your dog looks beautiful... I can't get my head round I won't see and feel him again .. My Beau was 14 .. 

 

[K.D.]

Aw, Sharon, I’m sorry.  Whiskey slept on my bed next to me every night too. The pain is awful. Their lives are so short. I wish I could hug you. 

[Sharon C]

Thankyou for your message it means alot.  They do bring so much joy.  Whiskey looks perfect. Seeing my Beau being put to sleep was the most hurtful thing to see. I keep thinking was he ready. I sobbed like a baby over him on the table. He was my world. We did everything together. The bungalow is so quiet without him. Xxx

[K.D.]

I know, I know. Whiskey was in my lap. I felt his heart stop beating. He was my shadow 24/7.

 I saw this quote on another page: 

We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle; easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only
certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.

-Irving Townsend

[Sharon C]

That quote is very true.  I just want to hold one more time and tell him I love him. Even walking down the road breaks my heart because we walked together. The tears are falling down my face now as I type. The hole in my stomach is horrendous. He made me laugh. I refuse to move his bowls. The same water where he last drank is still in there. Low and behold anyone touches them. I'm such a strong character but this has broke me. Sorry if keep going on. God bless our pooches x

[K.D.]

He’s soooo cute. That face. It’s heartbreaking. To be honest, I’m on Day 16, and I still cannot pick up Whiskey’s food and water bowls. I  sure at some point it will be deemed mentally unhealthy to have them there. 

Grief is the word thing ever. Inescapable...you can’t go around it, you can’t dabble in it, you have to march right into the middle of it. 

I just keep hoping that with every moment that ticks by, time is marching towards some relief. 

Have you figured out how you want to honor Beau? I donated copies of pet bereavement books to his veterinarian that had cared for him. To give out to clients when they need it. 

[Sharon C]

I've done a beautiful memorial place in my garden for him. Wind chimes engraved stuff too lights as well. I get his ashes next week. I'm sure that will bring me some little comfort. 

Can't thankyou you enough for your kind words and sympathy.  Yes I'm sure it will be unhealthy soon with the bowls! 

I wish you luck and love on your journey.  Take care and thankyou again xxx

 

[MartyT]

59 minutes ago, K.D. said:

I  sure at some point it will be deemed mentally unhealthy to have them there. 

That will never happen here, my dear, because we all understand. There is no right or wrong way to do this grief of yours. There is only your way, and you will discover that for yourself. No one else can tell you what brings you comfort, and no one else has any business passing judgment on you for that. ❤️

[K.D.]

Thank you, Marty. My husband has already commented “I want my wife back”. I’m trying to be patient with him as he tries to be patient with me. I married someone who is very sensitive, just not an animal person. 

[MartyT]

You may look at this as an opportunity to enlighten your husband about the grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved animal companion. He may be under the impression that your grief is neither legitimate nor justified since this was "just an animal." One way to do that is to invite him to do some reading on the subject, if he is willing to do so. Make sure that you read the material first, so you'll know why you're recommending it for him. See, for example,

Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief?

Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?

Each one of these articles will lead you to further reading, if you follow the links at their bases.

Understand, too, that in general, men in our culture tend to respond to and deal with grief differently from the way that we women do, and that may add to your husband's difficulty in seeing this loss from your perspective. See How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[MartyT]

Here is another article I read just now that you might want to share with your husband: Losing A Pet Can Be Just As Hard As Losing A Loved One

[Lexmama]

Hello everyone,

   I am not here to force anyone's belief in God or the afterlife, however, I know my lexie girl is still alive in a very different way. I see some of you are posting you are worried your behaviours are considered crazy. Please don't ever be so critical of yourself. I lost Lexie...had to put her to sleep just last week. She was fifteen and had fluid around her heart and couldn't stand or walk anymore. She could barely see or hear. I had her since she was five and I understand all too well what everyone is describing as intense pain. She was my baby. She wasn't a dog..she was so much more than that. She was an angel, my baby, my child. For days after her passing I took her little bed to bed with me because she loved that bed. She also loved to lay with me in the bed. I kept her favourite toys. I carry her picture with me everywhere. I have one of her pictures on my screensaver on the computer. I have been lost without her. I have cried so much and felt so depleted and tired all I have wanted to do was sleep. Its maddening, the silence, the pain, the emptiness. I understand. I have a statue that resembles her and I wrapped her blankets around it and I hold it on my lap often because it feels just like her. I have spoken to her every day. I tell her everything I think and feel. I keep telling her we will always be together eternally. I know and can feel her near to me. If anyone thinks these are odd behaviours then they are just not in tune to their higher self. Lexie IS alive in a different way. I have learned to try to see her without my eyes, hear her without my ears, and feel her without my hands. I'm sure, in time, all of you will be visited by your little boys and girls. Its very real and in no way is it ever crazy. May God Bless all your little boys and girls and may God Bless all of you and give you peace.

[K.D.]

Thank you. It is indeed a challenge for many people to be uniquely themselves and free with their pet grieving. Your post is comforting to read. I’m sorry about Lexie. I have the same pain, obviously. 

I think that instead of people having the “it’s just an animal” attitude, it would be nice for them to see the immense and limitless capacity the human heart has to love any kind of creature. As Marty said in another post, love is not a competition. 

I’m in the stage now where cold, hard reality has set in. I think I’ve been in shock the past two weeks. 

 

 

[MikeP]

 Never in my wildest thoughts that I think I’d be going through this intense amount of pain and anguish. But I guess as much as I love my Bella it has to equally hurt to properly grieve her. She was everything to me,  and a life of such instability and abuse and everything else that goes along in my story she was the only constant that was always there. We had an amazing 12 years together after she rescued me when she was 1. I had to put her to sleep on Valentines Day which was always my most disliked holiday to begin with. Too generic I guess. I’m a 35 year old man that is as hysterical as a newborn everyday since. I can now understand the pain which I never could before and it’s starting to manifest in other ways. I have an amazing woman in my life that is grieving with me and couldn’t be more supportive but Ive still barely been able to crack a smile. She’s extremely understanding but I’m feeling as if my pain is coming between us. I’m grateful for her now as I’ve always been. I don’t see at this point the hurt letting up. I can be around so many people but still feel alone. All I can think about is my baby. The guilt of betrayal and the feeling that I’ve abandoned her is a driving force. I felt I had to spare her from anymore aggressive seizures. She was suffering from a tumor on her brain that was setting them off 3-4 times a week. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but my mind and soul are at odds about it. She was amazing and everyone thought so. I’m glad to mourn her and know I owe it but also want to feel in control of other aspects of my life again. The loss is crippling and I’m trying not to allow it to cripple the other greats things in my life.

im trying to attach an image so she can be seen but I’m pretty bad with these things. 

Thanks for listening 

Michael

 

[MartyT]

Michael, my dear, I am so saddened to read your story, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Please allow yourself to feel that pain, every last bit of it, and have faith that it will begin to ease a bit as time goes on. It takes more energy and effort to stuff that pain than it does to lean into it and feel it. Know that grief changes over time; it doesn't stay the same. But time alone will do nothing to heal your broken heart, anymore than expecting time alone to heal a broken bone. It is what you DO with the time that matters ~ and there are lots of things you can do. The first is to do some reading about what is normal in grief, both in general and in pet loss particularly. Ask your wife to do the same, so she will have a better understanding of what you're feeling and why. Think of some ways you could memorialize your Bella, and immerse yourself in that effort. Try compartmentalizing your grief ~ I call it Finding Crying Time in Grief ~ and see if that gives you a sense of maintaining some control over your grief. Take a look at some of the other posts in this forum. and follow some of the links to the many, many resources you will find here. Consider this as doing your grief work, and focus on it as carefully as you would focus on any other work worth doing. This is your job right now. Honor your Bella by honoring the grief and pain you're feeling in the wake of her death ~ and know that you will survive, just as the love you have for Bella will survive. Death ended her life, but love is forever.

Here are master lists to everything you ever wanted to know about grief:

Articles about Grief and Loss

Articles about Pet Loss

[Tracy crank]

Dear MikeP, I understand your pain, grief and guilt, my baby was five and a half years old, he still is my life and I am struggling every day, he was epileptic and went four or five days and then he had three fits, this was a pattern and went on for three and a half years, he started fitting when he was two. On January the 23rd he had twelve fits in a few hours, it was heartbreaking, he was on such a lot of medication, even his emergency meds didn’t work, I knew it was time to let him go but I can’t stop blaming myself, did I give up on him, did I let him down, did I betray him when he needed me most, the pain is overwhelming, I try to remember the good times but all I feel is crushing guilt, I dreamed he came back to me and he was healed and well again, I really believe that he was sending me a message, I’m okay mum,I’m well again, I trawled the internet looking for peace and hope and now I truly believe that we will be together again in the afterlife,don’t get me wrong, it still hurts and I still break down but I’m hanging on to the certainty that I’ll be with him again and we will never be parted,we’ll be together for eternity, please believe that you are not alone in your pain,and you will be together again someday, God bless you.

[K.D.]

Mike, so many of us here are in exactly the same place. The guilt and pain are so awful. I put mine to sleep two days before you. I’m still struggling with the guilt...should I have waited? So many things...guilt that he didn’t get to see Spring...and more. 

The pain and hysteria are still crushing. The grief changes shape every day. I wish I could make you feel better. I wish I could feel better. Just try to make it day by day. 

[MikeP]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate the information and words of encouragement. Thanks for sharing your stories as well. This is the first time I’ve looked at her picture since she’s been gone. She was so sweet and beautiful too 

Michael

[K.D.]

Awww Michael, she’s beautiful. I wish I could hold mine again, just one more time. They are such sweet, innocent souls. I miss my baby so much. My husband is trying his best but he was my baby. I had him before we married and my husband didn’t love him like I did. 

Hope you are hanging in there. 

[Clematis]

On 2/15/2019 at 9:18 AM, K.D. said:

Thank you. It’s crazy all the strange things my mind is doing. It makes the grief even worse. All these horrible tricks my mind is playing on me. 

The mind definitely does strange things in grief. When I lost my cat Mitten, I saw her everywhere...I'd whip my head around thinking I saw her lying there, but it would be a black sweater and not my beloved cat Mitten. When I lost my tortoiseshell cat Freya years before Mitten, I was devastated and didn't think I'd ever recover, and had dreams where we would find each other again like the end of a Hallmark movie running towards each other in a field of flowers and her flying into my arms. I had these dreams for 20 years, even after Mitten became a part of my life, because no new person or animal can ever replace another. After Mitten, I had no pet for fifteen years and fully believed I would never have a pet again due to severe allergies. I felt all kinds of feelings I did not want because of my desperation and yearning (envy, irritation at pet stores, and so on). My allergies improved due to life changes, and now I live with the lovely Lena.

The grief and pain of losing a beloved scars and changes a person. We don't just get over it, even when we have new relationships. I had a dream a few months ago in which Lena went into "the spirit world" through some secret portal at the end of my street and returned with the spirit of Freya and another cat, the long deceased pet of a close friend. It was comforting to feel that Freya and I are still connected, even after more than 30 years. True love is forever, even after death...

[Clematis]

On 3/1/2019 at 8:41 AM, MartyT said:

Here is another article I read just now that you might want to share with your husband: Losing A Pet Can Be Just As Hard As Losing A Loved One

A pet IS a loved one. Relationships are not all the same, especially with animals. To some a cat or a dog is just a cat or a dog, but some people have profound relationships with animals that may be more important than relationships with people. And even for a given person, not all of their relationships with animals are not the same as with others. Some pets place a larger footprint on our heart and are a larger part of our life than others, and so the loss is bigger. Lena is the eighth cat who has shared my life. I thought about them and counted, starting with Sapphire, the family cat I grew up with. Some of them I had to think to remember their names, but others are so close to my heart, even now. I was obsessed with Mitten, but I had a bond with Freya that I still do not really comprehend. And Lena...she is is without a doubt one of the most important relationships of my life. I hope she will live as long as I do, even though I know this is unlikely.

Pets hold a part of our hearts in a way like no other, and their loss can be enormous. I know full well that many do not understand this, and the only way I can figure out to deal with them is to shield your grief from them, once you know who they are, like a package of something that is fragile and valuable under your cloak, and process the grief elsewhere. People who don't understand pet loss can fill parts of our lives in other ways, but sharing with them something they are unlikely to honor can be hurtful to us as grievers. And we don't need any more suffering...