24 and widowed

[Amberley]

I think I could write a book on how my last few months have gone. My fiancee recently passed away, november 1st. She was in the hospital for a month, I went to see her every day. We only had two and a half years together, and some may think that's easier. But for me its not.

I feel cheated, life gave me the two happiest years, and now I have so very long to live without her. 

We had a relationship that I believe people only dreamt of, we both have had horribly dark pasts and managed to find each other, start a life together, we often talked about the fact that neither of us could live without the other. 

I lost my home, my job, my friends and community, and the biggest loss, my best friend and soul mate, all in a month. 

I struggled with suicide and mental health before I met her, I had gotten so much better, I had dreams, a passion, I had overcome my biggest challenges with her by my side. But since she has passed I'm slipping. 

I often feel I have nothing left to live for. She was my life, she was the reason I wanted to get better and the reason for doing so well these passed few years.

I'm really struggling with my faith, I never really had much before she passed, but I've been asking for signs each day and continue to receive them.

Does anyone else wish that the person they've lost would just poke their head out of the sky like mufasa from the lion king and say "I'm here, I'm with you, I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."? 

How much easier it would be if I knew for sure. 

I am in therapy and am getting as much support as I possibly can be. I'm always open to more suggestions, or stories of similarities and overcoming, please be gentle with me. 

Thank you for listening.

[Kieron]

Welcome, Amberley, and I am sorry that Life dealt you this harsh hand.  All the wishes and struggles you describe are felt by others, in their own way and individual experience.   That feeling of being able to write an entire book about what happened, I do know that feeling.  The feeling of slipping, of having nothing left to live for, and struggling with faith, are things that I feel we each have to work on all the time, and when we can't hold on, that's what things like therapy and grief support groups are for. Edit: and of course calling crisis services when necessary.

All I could do in the aftermath was breathe, take it one moment at a time if necessary, and try to express the onslaught of grief emotions when I could, or wait them out when I could not express them.  Everyone here "gets it" so don't hesitate to come here to vent, remember, wonder out loud, and confide. 

[scba]

Welcome to this forum, you will find nothing but gentleness here. It doesn't matter how old you are, or for how long you were in a relationship. We all have something in common, we lost our soulmates and our lives are very different now because of that. Keep reading and posting. Be sure it helps to express yourself because on the early days and months the pain is very fresh. It will change, it will soften. But now it is what it is and it's very very painful. We all have been were you are today.

One day at a time. But please keep looking for help, suicide thoughts are not to be overlooked. 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Amberley said:

I think I could write a book on how my last few months have gone. My fiancee recently passed away, november 1st. She was in the hospital for a month, I went to see her every day. We only had two and a half years together, and some may think that's easier. But for me its not.

I feel cheated, life gave me the two happiest years, and now I have so very long to live without her. 

We had a relationship that I believe people only dreamt of, we both have had horribly dark pasts and managed to find each other, start a life together, we often talked about the fact that neither of us could live without the other. 

I lost my home, my job, my friends and community, and the biggest loss, my best friend and soul mate, all in a month. 

I struggled with suicide and mental health before I met her, I had gotten so much better, I had dreams, a passion, I had overcome my biggest challenges with her by my side. But since she has passed I'm slipping. 

I often feel I have nothing left to live for. She was my life, she was the reason I wanted to get better and the reason for doing so well these passed few years.

I'm really struggling with my faith, I never really had much before she passed, but I've been asking for signs each day and continue to receive them.

Does anyone else wish that the person they've lost would just poke their head out of the sky like mufasa from the lion king and say "I'm here, I'm with you, I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."? 

How much easier it would be if I knew for sure. 

I am in therapy and am getting as much support as I possibly can be. I'm always open to more suggestions, or stories of similarities and overcoming, please be gentle with me. 

Thank you for listening.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is similar to my own story...I went through a lot and so did my husband before we met in our 40s, but we met and were very much in love and had a great relationship and communication, we got each other...but we only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, way too short.  Comparing to others doesn't help, if you're married 50 years I'm sure it's harder in some ways but if you're only together a short time, like you say, you feel cheated.  And you wonder why others get their person so long and we don't.  

I'm glad you're getting help, esp. having been through suicidal inclinations.  When my husband died, I didn't see how I could live a week without him, but I'm here 14 1/2 years later.  It's nothing like my life with him was.  I do one day at a time, even still.  I wrote this article and hope you'll find something helpful in it, either now or later.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Amberley]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and sharing your own experiences. It doesn't make it easier as I'm sure you all know. But it does bring me hope that if you wonderful people could get through this. Maybe I can too. I am so sorry for each of your losses. 

I am trying to take it moment by moment, though sometimes the moments feel so long. Is there anything you found helpful through out your days? To pass time, or care for yourselves? 

 

[Kieron]

it took a long time to reach a point where I felt able to live or exist in a way that was more than mere "autopilot."  At one time or another, in varying degrees, I was eventually able to develop these habits: Resting or allowing myself to sleep more, especially in the dark winter months; making sure I ate decent food and stayed hydrated; adopting a habit of exercise daily (Tai Chi, in my case), and avoiding toxic people, violent media/TV/movies, etc.  Learning to stop my mental wandering down unhelpful paths was especially hard, i.e. replaying what happened, singling out people whose behavior or inaction led to the death, etc.

These are just what worked for me.  Your mileage may vary.  I'm sure others who have been at this longer will have wonderful suggestions.  😊

[Johnny]

Hello Amberley,

I also lost the love of my life in the month of Nov. 30th 2018. We married on Oct. 6th 2018 and she was gone less than two months later, right before the Christmas holiday. I tried to reach out to the family I had around me at first as often I could because I was in such unbearable pain from her sudden unexpected passing away. In fact, I believe I was just going through the motions, doing what I could to keep everything going. After a little more time, at just about after three months, I would sometimes feel as if the walls were closing in on me and I just had to pick up the phone just to hear another human voice. I just could not imagine coming home anymore without her there waiting for me.

Try as I might, I could not imagine a future life for myself, all I could do was try to make it through another day. It was difficult to concentrate as my thoughts kept going back to that terrible day I lost her, I knew I had to do something, something to reach out to try to understand this unimaginable feeling of loss and hopelessness.

I came here because I did not know what else to do. Here, everyone understands. Almost each day I would write about my wife, something that I remembered. It really helped to be able to talk about her. Remember the happy times and know what she would want for you now.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my wife Rene'e passing away.

I made it through all the other difficult first anniversaries that a widowed husband has to go through. Those days are very tough but I try to do something in my wife's honor, like going to church on her birthday, taking the dogs for a day at the park, or just find a way to get outside and have some sunshine on my face.

And when it hurts, I let it hurt because that is how much I loved her and still love her. It helps for me to tell others here, who have experienced such a loss,

how truly wonderful she was.

[Guest So very sad]

Amberley,

My heart is with you.  I just lost my only son on November 17, 2019.  It has not yet been two weeks.  I am in the very early stages of grief also. 

I lost my only daughter in October 2010. I am crying right now.  I just hate the thought of never seeing or talking to them again.

Just know, you are not alone in your pain.  I signed up on this site just two or three days ago, and I find just writing/typing helps.  The people here are very kind and understand what we are going through.

So very sad

 

[Gwenivere]

Johnny, the first anniversary is so tough.  I don’t know how it will be for you.   I hadn’t experienced any other anniversaries when Steve left.  It was end of October so I had to go from that thru holidays, bdays and our anniversary right after.  I don’t think either side of the fence is any easier.  It all comes down to the biggest loss of all.  Mine was a blur.  People remembered.  They don’t anymore.  The date isn’t branded on their hearts.  My thoughts are with you today.  

[Gwenivere]

Amberley, you are so young to have been hit with so many losses. It should be a time of experiencing what your life is going to be.  To have lost the focus that madecyour road clearer is heartbreaking.  I hope you have someone you can talk to facecto face, like a grief counselor.  We are always here to listen to anything you feel.  There is probably nothing you feel someone here hasn’t is their own way.  I’m sorry you are here because of the reason, but glad you found us.  Yes, I wish I knew too where or if my husband is anymore.  I don’t have a belief in God, so I don’t have that solace some find.  I don’t feel him around me, don’t take odd things as signs.  All I know Is I lost the most important person in the world to me and who I was the most important to.  It’s a pain that is indescribable.  I have severe depression also.  Only one thing could ease that and it won’t happen.  I’m torn if I would want to see him if he had to leave again.  Don’t know if I could take that again, but it would solve if he still exists in some way.  Welcome to our family that we love and hate at the same time.  I couldn’t make it without them.  

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Johnny said:

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my wife Rene'e passing away.

Johnny, thinking of you today.  I remember my first anv. of death...I felt I deserved a medal or something for surviving that year, but it was by no means done.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Amberley said:

Is there anything you found helpful through out your days?

Although it affected my ability to focus, it helped going to work to keep my mind occupied, although I broke out in tears more than once at work...that's to be expected and everyone was understanding.  Nights and weekends were hard, I needed someone to talk to and everyone disappeared.  I do remember it helped tremendously when I learned to take one day at a time...I still have to do that, even after all these years.  When I start thinking about the whole "rest of my life" it sends me into a tailspin and I have to go back to today.

Having a dog was also de-stressing, but mine recently passed, I miss him.  Animals can be very comforting.  I do walk my neighbor's chow and it helps.

Try to eat something healthy and if you're having a hard time eating, have a smoothie.  It's a good way to get nutrients down without having to eat.  

I'm just sorry you find yourself going through this so young, it's just unfair.  Grief support groups help as you realize you're not going through it alone.  This forum was my lifesaver.

[Kieron]

Johnny, the first anniversary was the hardest.  it felt like a door slamming shut on the past, *our* past.  😢

[Amberley]

Johnny, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking about you today, congrats on making it a year. I hope in a year I can congratulate myself for the same thing. I know today will be tough on you, I can only imagine. But know that you're loved by all of us here and you can always come here to vent. 

 

So very sad, I'm so sorry your just beginning your journey through this grief and you've certainly been given a handful of it. I wish you all the best in the coming weeks. 

 

Gwenivere, I'm sorry you don't have any faith, I myself struggle with that all the time. I don't believe in a god, which makes it much harder. I was an atheist for all of my life until this happened and now It is the only thing that brings me comfort. That maybe somehow some way I can be with her again, right now that's all I'm hopeful for. Someone once very wise told me "it doesn't matter if it's TRUE or not, what matters is if it brings you comfort." 

 

Kayc, thank you for the post of pointers, I found most of those extremely helpful and it's quite apparent you put some time into it. You seem to be a bit of a rock for most people on here, I see you on almost every forum and I thank you for that. 

[Gin]

Johnny,. Thinking of you today.  It is so hard.  Gin

[Johnny]

Thank you Gwenivere, KayC, Kieron, and Gin,

I knew today was going to be tough, being the anniversary, but fortunately I had to work today so I felt that she would have been proud that I was able to be productive. I had to look at the pictures I had today many times just to remember that she loved me and I had her in my life. I want it to matter because it does. She loved me. I was loved by someone of their own free will. If she had it her way, she wanted to spend as much time by my side. We did everything together. All I wanted was to be with my wife every day. Funny, I did not get to see her two days before the wedding because she had her matron of honor and best friend in the world come into town and they both agreed to stay at her Mom's for the two days prior to the wedding. She called me one the phone the first night she was away at her Mom's and told me that she didn't think she was going to make it, I laughed and I said we would only be away from each other for two nights and then we would be married forever. She just said "I don't care, I miss you now". She was like that. 😊

I have to tell you that reading Amberley's and So Very Sad's recent losses yesterday I was thrown head long into remembering the pain of loss I felt in the first few months. It was all I could do to remember to take care of myself, sleep, eat, and try to pretend to function during those early days. Their were a lot of things I used to love to do and felt I had a purpose. I had a future imagined, and in the future I imagined, I knew there would be tough times, but we would face the tough times together, and as long as we had each other, everything would be alright.

I was so lucky, and then she was gone. I was totally lost. Just to deal with the pain took all my strength and I had to force myself to do the things I knew I needed to.

I still have a long way to go, but then, I saw no way I was going to be ok. All I could see was a life of work, only to come home alone, for the rest of my life.

No one wants a life like that, but what I realize now is that I really do not know how the rest of my life will be. I have to try, that is what she wanted, because she loved me. ♥️

[kayc]

I feel so much as you do, even with all these years gone by.  Oh sure, I've adapted to living alone but that doesn't mean I relish it.  The difference between it being 1-3 years and over 10 years is I sometimes feel that was a lifetime ago, or like a movie I once watched, it doesn't feel real, it feels like a figment of my imagination.  Only it was real, very real, and I was the happiest I've ever been in my life.  I just don't understand why it couldn't have lasted longer, but I guess we were lucky to have each other at all.

[Amberley]

Johnny, reading your memories felt like I had wrote that myself. I felt the same way about my partner, being with her was a dream come true for me, the fact that you're still pushing forward brings me so much hope. 

 

Yesterday the movers moved all of our furniture to my mothers. I've been pulling apart boxes, finding all of our photos, even the furniture is hard to look at. We put all of it together, we laughed at the IKEA booklets, our whole life together has been moved to my mothers basement and it's been very difficult for me. 

On the positive note, I've made a bit of a memory space for her.. our pictures, her glasses, her purse, cards we wrote to each other.. all of her cherished things. I'm not sure if it brings me comfort. It looks nice, I could never throw her things away, I'm just angry that all I can do is make a space for them? That her glasses arent on her like they should be, her purse isnt on her arm.. it just brings me sadness that all i have left is just.. things, memories. 

[kayc]

I still have some of George's things around...his hat on a hook, his trinket holder on my sewing machine table...reminders of the time he was here with me.  I hope you can find some comfort around your family, it helps to have support.

[Johnny]

Amberley-

My wife was cremated and I had to make a space for her too. I think it is very important to have a space for the things which help to bring back memories of how happy she was when we were still together.

The first thing we did after we married was buy some new furniture to redo the bedroom like she wanted. We picked up the nightstands at the furniture store and the large dresser drawer she wanted was to be delivered at a later date. So, she was temporarily living out cardboard boxes where she had her clothes stored. Every day she would tell me how much she wished they would go ahead and deliver the large dresser drawer so she could take her clothes she had stored in boxes and put them away in her new dresser drawer.

Unfortunately, she passed away before her dresser drawer was delivered three weeks later.

When the dresser drawer finally arrived, I was able to fulfill one small wish by taking her clothes out of the boxes and putting them away, neatly and folded, into her nice new dresser drawer.

That dresser drawer is the space I made just for her things. I placed her ashes which were in the urn I picked out for her on top of her dresser along with a lot of pictures of us together and I touch her urn gently every day and tell her I love her.

I needed a place where I could still talk to her. I needed to be still able to see her things each day so I could always remember how much we loved each other.

All of her things are precious to me. Especially the things I know she loved.

[Gwenivere]

The personal items our partners had become so important.  I remember in Ghost when Swayze was watching Moore keeping a used roll of Roland’s going thru his things.  He thought it was silly.  But we know it’s not.  I was able to part with Steve’s clothes easily as he would have wanted that.  There are holders in his bedroom and bathroom with lots of stuff that is worthless to anyone but me.  It’s been sitting there fir over 5 years.  His nightstand drawers in our bedroom have remained untouched.  It’s stuffed with cards I gave him.  I couldn’t bear to look thru them.  Everything in this house has his fingerprints on it.  Even things I had to replace like a can opener, he would have used.  Plus it stands out as being different.  There just is no way to sidestep them even when we would like to forget the pain this brings.  The only control I have is to not do some things like celebrate Xmas.  I tried and tried but I just cannot wake up another one alone and not happy we were going to exchange gifts.  Thanksgiving was a killer.  

I have his ashes in the plastic box they returned them in in a chest.  I don’t want to ever see them.  It was a mistake for me to say yes when asked if I wanted them.  They are next to our dear golden that died a couple months before he did.  She was his baby.  We always scattered the ashes of our kids.  Together.  I thought I would do that with theirs, but I have no one to be with me to set them free.  Maybe one day I’ll get so weighed down in the pain I will have to.  In our yard.  That was our world, this home we made. 

 

[kayc]

Johnny,

It moved me to tears, that you've carefully placed her clothes in the dresser she so wanted, along with her ashes and pictures, it sounds like a beautiful tribute to her, for that place to be hers.  I wish she could have had it before she passed, but perhaps she knows all the same that at last it's there.

[Johnny]

We were married on Rene'e's father's Birthday Oct. 6th, we chose the date together, and I picked up her ashes from the funeral home on the anniversary day of her father's passing away Dec. 10th.

So many difficult first anniversaries to get through. Thinking a lot about what I was going through only one year ago, hard to believe.

[Amberley]

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm alive, I'm still not sure if I'm happy about that or not. Please understand that I use this space as a safe place to talk about my feelings, I am very suicidal but I am getting all of the help I possibly can, but sometimes talking to professionals doesn't feel the same as someone saying "I'm here. I went through it too." 

Most times I want to give up, I feel my life is so painful now and maybe time will help, but my life has been so messy and so cruel I can't possibly imagine going through more than I already have. Nikki passing away was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that's saying a lot...

I tried so hard to do everything for nikki, I wanted her happy and the best part of our relationship was our endless support for each other, she never once judged me for my mental health and I never once judged her for being transgender. I used to do really romantic things for her, light candles, put rose petals on the floor, I'd bathe her, hold her, anything and everything that made her happy. Heck I even got a job which I didnt think was possible because I wanted to build a life with her, I had dreams and passions with her

When I was with her all the terrible things in my life were manageable.

But I feel so empty going to sleep every night without her, it's like I'm living in my worst nightmare and all the progress I've made has slipped away from me. I've seen all the signs that she's with me and some have been pretty crazy. But sometimes that just makes it harder? It makes me want to die more, just so I can be with her again. 

I'm so scared because I cant understand the afterlife and i really wish i could. Not because I'm scared of death, but because I cant emotionally handle never being around her again and that thought haunts me constantly. Her soul was the most beautiful I had ever been around, I was safe, comfortable and never judged, I'm terrified that I will never feel her presence again.

My only wish is that when I do die, when I am older and ready to pass that shes there with me, I want nothing else in my life at all.

I spent 30 days in the hospital with her, I sang to her every day, I kissed her forehead and painted her nails, I made a name tag for her just so the drs and nurses would use her chosen name, I helped move her, clean her, I talked to her constantly, I downloaded all her favorite songs and played them for her. And although it was the hardest time of my life a part of me wishes I still had that. That i was still able to love and care for her because I feel so damn empty without her.

I miss her so terribly. I am so lonely all the time. No matter how many family members and friends I surround myself with no one is her and no one can ever be her.

[Gwenivere]

You had the caregiver experience I do and now suffer of being afraid we will never see them again.  It’s too horrible for words.  I know exactly how you feel.  My deepest thoughts for you.  🌹