My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Had my appointment with the surgeon.  X-rays look good.  No damage done in a month so that is a relief.  He says I am in a transition period of healing from the trauma combined with more exercise to strengthen my core.  That eventually I will stand up straighter.  But it will take many weeks and how much I don’t know.  He understood it is a tough place to be mentally.  Supposed to be listening to my body for when to quit by pain signals.  Wasn’t surprised I was pushing it.  Did some extra after dinner just……..because.

Gwen:  This appointment with the surgeon sounds positive to me.  All your "pushing yourself to go a little further" seems to be producing some more acceptable outcomes.  I hope his prognosis gives you some relief although you are the one having to deal with the pain and mental anguish.

I still think you are an amazing driven person to battle what you have been given without Steve and family support.  Keep pushing it ..... "just because".

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Saw one of my pressure sores and it looks awful to me, nurse says normal for healing.  It’s a hole in my skin to the next level!  I see why it could lead to surgery if it got down to the bone.

I remember when I was caring for my Mother who was dealing with dementia and recovering from hip surgery, was prescribed an air filled mattress cover that would inflate and deflate continually to alleviate pressure sores.  I would think, or hope, if this treatment is still available, you would have been prescribed that ??   My sweet Mom with her dementia thought there was a puppy in her bed because of the constant movement.  We had to assure her, no there wasn't a puppy in her bed. 🐶

 

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

heh heh…..all I need to do is look in a mirror.  Try and do anything that takes flexibility.  All the feminine wiles of my once caring self.  

yeah, heh heh.......I barely look in a mirror cause with my EXTRA thick cataracts I can't see much.  My feminine wiles may have a big surprise,  hopefully.  Only two more days to go before the first lense is replaced.   Dee 🤞

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I didn't know they allowed people to bring their own meds, but who gets name brands?  Ins. dictates if you can/can't use them!  Do they go through your purse when you come there?  Can you bring your own pain meds in for when they "forget?" 

I had to jump thru hoops to get brand approved by my insurance. It’s essential to me to have dosage exactly the same on my antidepressant and thyroid meds.  Generics are allowed variances.   I give them my meds when being admitted so they are logged in and available in the nurses cart.  I check every time I get doses as mistakes have been made. One night the nurse gave me too much thyroid plus she used generic.  You cannot bring in your own pain meds.  
 

20 hours ago, V. R. said:

I'm just an object getting on with life in  a mechanical way, doing things because they have to be done, not caring about anything, no emotions, nothing. The first thing I do every morning when I wake up is cry. 

But you are feeling.  Crying from the pain is so very hard to feel day after day.  I understand the mechanical feeling.  It feels like nothing, but that’s not normal either. That’s caused by the grief too.  We rode a smooth train and are now on a roller coaster.   For me, I have to be caring about what I miss so much.  I see so much around me I know I would have long ago.  Now forcing myself to do things is exhausting.  I often do things just to kill time and get them out of the way.  Thanks for saying I’m not boring.  This is one thing that truly helps get thru the days.

8 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

This appointment with the surgeon sounds positive to me.  All your "pushing yourself to go a little further" seems to be producing some more acceptable outcomes. 

Yes and no.  I have been overdoing it so been paying for that.  Hoping I’m not hurting myself by my impatience and stubborn need to rush things as 2 months in bed is driving me crazy.  He says I’m in the right time frame.  No one told me it would be this rough.  I’m still trying to figure out how this is supposed to work at home as far as PT.  I do have an air mattress now.  I don’t notice any movement.  It only makes a little noise when I press on it to move how I’m sitting.  I don’t sleep better, but I’m overdoing the exercise.  So, hard to judge.

Don’t want to forget…..…..wishing you the very best on your eye surgery.  💕

Kay, yes, it’s quite chilly in here, especially when I change for bed into those hospital gowns.  I have extra blankets.  My only other choice is to move.  

Dee came to visit.  Hadn’t seen her in 2 months.  I noticed I am not as comfortable in social stuff.  I’ve got this 'shell' around me to survive the loneliness.  It was a great visit but then I wanted to get back in my routine.  I called her as I do before dinner.  Our daily thing is checking our dinner and TV plans for the night.  She said she was nervous too.  We haven’t quite figured that out.  Maybe because pretty much more of our close time developed in an abnormal situation, when we began opening up to each other.  
 

Back to another night.  Can’t believe another week dragged by.  Good Sunday to everyone.  ❤️
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

It sounded to me like the prognosis was better than previously thought also.  I know it'd feel better if you were home and making it work but the unknown is very scary.  I remember when I came home alone after surgery and didn't know when I sat down if I could get up, on the couch or the toilet, no bars for either.  Someone said they'd help but didn't, was supposed to load the fire, I couldn't bend down, but since they didn't show up and it was cold, I had no choice.  I somehow managed, I don't know how.  Someone was supposed to bring me dinner and didn't show up with it so I went to bed hungry, I couldn't reach up or bend down to cook and what I had prepared in the freezer I couldn't have as they gave me a different list than they had before the surgery!  Hard to cover all your bases.  I'm glad you have Dee, she won't let you go hungry.  And not reliant on wood stoves!  I wish I wasn't sometimes.

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

.wishing you the very best on your eye surgery.  💕

Thank you for your wishes.  I will be so happy to have it behind me so I can look forward to a little more activity in my life.  

Good to see Dee was able to visit you.  I know seeing a friendly face  made a difference in your day.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

it’s quite chilly in here, especially when I change for bed into those hospital gowns.  I have extra blankets.  My only other choice is to move.  

 

[Widow2015]

Oops Gwen, I made an incorrect movement on my laptop and sent my reply too soon.  I was going to reply: Hope your next move will be to move back home.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, sending good vibes and positive thoughts for your surgery tomorrow. I know you're a little frightened and nervous. It will be over before you know it.

Gwen, sounds like your healing is progressing as it should. Slow as it seems to you, some things just can't be rushed. Hang in there!

[Widow2015]

45 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Dee, sending good vibes and positive thoughts for your surgery tomorrow. I know you're a little frightened and nervous. It will be over before you know it.

Thanks Karen for your good thoughts.  I don't think I'm frightened since I've been dealing with injections in my eyes since 2016.  Also, I think since so many who have mentioned this surgery is successful and painless helps my nerves.  The fact I will have a light anesthesia might be helping any fears.  

Are you noticing positive changes in your vision by now?  Dee

[KarenK]

The right eye is good. Vision in the left eye is good, but still feels like there's a glob of something in the lower left corner. It's been a week since that surgery. Hopefully it's just not quite healed. I have my last appt. on Wed. I see a lot more clearly and colors are brighter. A lot better watching tv now. Even a little better reading through the reading glasses.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Are you noticing positive changes in your vision by now?  Dee

I know I have to have it done.  The last time they did a procedure on me I was naked on an interventional radiology table, no sheet, and you have seen sides of beef hanging up in meat storage, that is what I felt like.  You would not let your mom or grandmom suffer such things.  People were coming in and out and I honestly don't have anything additional to my body that would surprise someone, just your regular old fat woman laid up naked on a flat table.  And I am afraid of eye surgery.  I am scared.  After having cannulas of radiation poked up where no one is allowed to go for six days total, 72 hours at a time, and I'm afraid of eye surgery.  And this is me worrying about me, no matter how stupid I sound.  

On a good note.  I never would let them draw blood on me for 8 years this month.  Well, I did.  Everything was normal .......except a slightly elevated, tiny bit, A1C.  He told me I could correct that with weight loss.  So, I will only eat 1/2 the pack of ice cream.  Might start grilling the meat instead of chicken fried steak.  I cannot let fear come between me and my books.

You are all brave women.  I feel privileged to have "known" you even at a distance.

It was 80 degrees all today.  I think we have some 50's coming up and we have tornadoes above us, up where I used to live.  

[Widow2015]

32 minutes ago, KarenK said:

The right eye is good. Vision in the left eye is good, but still feels like there's a glob of something in the lower left corner. It's been a week since that surgery. Hopefully it's just not quite healed. I have my last appt. on Wed.

Karen:  Sounds like a successful surgery.  So happy for you and am anxious to hear how your last appointment goes for you.  Thanks for update.  Enjoy the beautiful world doing what you love to do and can do.    Life without our partner is painful enough, but not being able to remain independent is more than I want to think about.  Dee

[KarenK]

Marg, it's normal to be apprehensive about eye surgery. You figure you can see what's coming at you, but you really can't. All you see is the bright glare of the surgical light. No pain, just discomfort from all the drops put in your eye. All in all, it's been a "piece of cake". I do have complete trust in this doctor I've used for probably 35 years. Good for you for having a blood draw. You're braver than you realize.

On a good note....in May, Paramount + is starting a new series "Joe Pickett" from you know who. I don't have access to that, but you might.

[Widow2015]

19 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I know I have to have it done.  The last time they did a procedure on me I was naked on an interventional radiology table, no sheet, and you have seen sides of beef hanging up in meat storage, that is what I felt like.  You would not let your mom or grandmom suffer such things.  People were coming in and out and I honestly don't have anything additional to my body that would surprise someone, just your regular old fat woman laid up naked on a flat table.  And I am afraid of eye surgery.  I am scared.  After having cannulas of radiation poked up where no one is allowed to go for six days total, 72 hours at a time, and I'm afraid of eye surgery.  And this is me worrying about me, no matter how stupid I sound.  

On a good note.  I never would let them draw blood on me for 8 years this month.  Well, I did.  Everything was normal .......except a slightly elevated, tiny bit, A1C.  He told me I could correct that with weight loss.  So, I will only eat 1/2 the pack of ice cream.  Might start grilling the meat instead of chicken fried steak.  I cannot let fear come between me and my books.

You are all brave women.  I feel privileged to have "known" you even at a distance.

Marg:  Your radiation treatments sound unbelievable and to feel like something less than human is scary to me.  You are the brave, strong lady to have survived that procedure. 

Happy to read your bloodwork was so good.   Sounds like chicken fried steak might not be too bad for you or the ice cream either.  

I probably should have had my cataract surgery over a year ago before moving.  I didn't feel I could manage all required to close up a home and go through surgery at the same time.  Relocating to my new home took longer than I planned, thanks to the Covid shut down.  Then once moved, I had to get into a new retinal specialist care and eventually was scheduled with a cataract surgeon and a wait list.   And finally, tomorrow will be the beginning of seeing clearly again.  Or so I hope. Dee

[MartyT]

6 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

And finally, tomorrow will be the beginning of seeing clearly again.  Or so I hope.

We're all thinking of you, dear Dee, and wishing you a successful surgery tomorrow and a speedy recovery! ❤️

[Margm]

57 minutes ago, KarenK said:

On a good note....in May, Paramount + is starting a new series "Joe Pickett" from you know who. I don't have access to that, but you might.

Starts December 6th and has already been renewed another season, new book coming the 8th of this month.  

I'm glad you described not being able to see it coming.  I just want some of the COVID overworked places to slow down good.  Thanks Karen.  

I have not seen the Jack Reacher series/movie by Lee Childs.  This one looks like a 6'5" 275 pound Jack Reacher, not a 5'6" 135 pounds Tom Cruise.   Actually, I do think Tom Cruise is a good actor, kinda handsome, but I don't watch him.  Scott saw the new Jack Reacher and says he is good; 

[Gwenivere]

Had another bad morning/day as usual.  I had a dream I was holding Steve’s face in my hands, was going to kiss him. I got woken by housekeeping so I lost the dream.  The effects of too much mirolax, legs jerking, depression kicked in and it was hours til I got my meds.  I’m so sick of how all the meds they’ve added have messed me up.  I opted not to take the muscle relaxer even tho it’s a low dose as it is sedating and I couldn’t tolerate the regular dose.  I’m so sick of all the pills.  I already have to deal with the oxycodone and will have to face weaning off that at some point.  
 

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Slow as it seems to you, some things just can't be rushed. Hang in there!

Thanks, I know but my logic is at an all time low.  Same with patience.  I think 9/10 months would push anyone close to the edge if not over.  I almost feel guilty that it is overshadowing my grief.  I’ve been on my own so long that grief is a part of me now.  Always will be.  Dreams like yesterday morning prove that.  A woman said my earrings were beautiful and I said Steve had them made for me.  Gut punch that we know can happen anytime.  
 

Took 3 walks yesterday.  Still pushing it.  Trying to do more on my own.  I had Dee make me promise her not to do any more tonight.  I’m already feeling the urge even tho I know it isn’t a good idea.  How do I justify my still needing help if I keep up this masochistic behavior?  Drat, I have to 'fess up that I did another short walk.  It feels so icky after a meal sitting in bed. Really played the old lady role in activities playing bingo yesterday. Won $2.  I’ve become my mother even more!  At least I didn’t have a troll doll on the table.  
 

46 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

I probably should have had my cataract surgery over a year ago before moving.  I didn't feel I could manage all required to close up a home and go through surgery at the same time. 

Dee, you had an overflowing plate.   I’m glad you didn’t try and take on more.  Yes, it would helped your sight, but at what cost mentally?  We’re all still fragile from our grief.  There was so much you had to deal with beyond the house and new doctors.  The memories of your home with Bob.  New surroundings that don’t have those shared memories.  I hope all goes smoothly and you’re seeing better soon.  💕
 

 

 

[kevin]

New Jack Reacher series with Alan Ritchson is excellent...real deal and gives insight of Reacher growing up...Season 2 announced....

[kayc]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

The right eye is good. Vision in the left eye is good, but still feels like there's a glob of something in the lower left corner. It's been a week since that surgery. Hopefully it's just not quite healed. I have my last appt. on Wed. I see a lot more clearly and colors are brighter.

I'm glad it's better!  I hope the rest of it continues progressing.  So glad you can see to watch tv and read better! 
I went to my grandson's bdy yesterday, had a wonderful time!  Poor Kodie had to spend six hours in the house at home while I was gone.  My son did the cake.  He always outdoes himself!  I love the detail to the texture, etc he puts in.  He uses fondant.
My grandson, Vinnie, crinkles his nose just like his dad did when he was little!  His mom does it too.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Marg, it's normal to be apprehensive about eye surgery.

The only apprehension I have is who will take me to/from?  Not having anyone is hard.  Sometimes we need that help.  I'll manage once home, done it before!

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

The last time they did a procedure on me I was naked on an interventional radiology table, no sheet, and you have seen sides of beef hanging up in meat storage, that is what I felt like.  You would not let your mom or grandmom suffer such things.  People were coming in and out and I honestly don't have anything additional to my body that would surprise someone, just your regular old fat woman laid up naked on a flat table.  And I am afraid of eye surgery.  I am scared.  After having cannulas of radiation poked up where no one is allowed to go for six days total, 72 hours at a time, and I'm afraid of eye surgery.

You don't sound stupid at all!  I have two sisters and an aunt with blindness, two from diabetes, one from a butcher for an eye surgeon, it's normal to feel that way.  I had a huge cyst removed from my eyeball a few years ago, was very apprehensive but the pain was so great it forced me to undergo it...I have more confidence about it after that.
Marg, when I went through infertility testing, they also put me in a room, no clothes, laid out on a slab off metal for everyone to see, them coming in and out, also viewing me on a screen, putting stuff in me that I later had a reaction to for a YEAR!  Trips to ER because of it.  It was hellish.  All because I didn't want to marry someone if I couldn't have kids w/o telling them beforehand...he ended up breaking off our engagement anyway.  Glad to say after five years of treatment, I DID have kids!  What we've undergone!  Radiation sounds worse, it's what brought on my dad's fatal heart attack at 62.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

And finally, tomorrow will be the beginning of seeing clearly again.  Or so I hope. Dee

I am so excited for you!  We hold our breath and wait with you, Dee.

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee, you had an overflowing plate.   I’m glad you didn’t try and take on more.  Yes, it would helped your sight, but at what cost mentally?  We’re all still fragile from our grief.  There was so much you had to deal with beyond the house and new doctors.  The memories of your home with Bob.  New surroundings that don’t have those shared memories.  I hope all goes smoothly and you’re seeing better soon.  💕

I agree...I reached breaking point Sat. eve. everyone dumping more/more/more on me until I couldn't take the least little thing!  I'm only one person and I feel clamoring from every side!  Sometimes you can't absorb any more.  It felt good to take a break yesterday, it was stressful getting out, barely made it on time...neighbor's puppy jumped the fence and followed us home so Kodie wouldn't pee, too excited...he spent the next six hours alone in the house and I'm sure he was dying by the time I got home!  Gave him a bone and sent him outside while I brought things in and put them away, and moved the car, then I took him for a walk.  Did not log into computer, called my sister (have to check on her every day), said no way to the other phone msgs, loaded the fire, and sat down to cuddle with Kodie, by then it was 8 pm, my usual bedtime, stayed up with him until 9.  Today back to the real world...

[MartyT]

Your grands are adorable, Kay! Thank you for sharing the photos with us ❤️

[kayc]

This would be a huge faux pas!
 

[kayc]

Gwen, thinking esp. of you as well as the rest of us...this is hard!

[Widow2015]

Thanks everyone for all your good thoughts for my eye surgery.  Like Karen said, "it's a piece of cake".  Everything went well and I was impressed with how I was treated.  I feel badly for the nurse who was trying to insert needle in my hand for the sedative.  I have a history of uncooperative veins.  I was happy to see how much brighter things were after it was over.  The surgeon did have to work a little harder to remove the heavy cataract since it was quite thick she said.  No pain,  although a little scratchy feeling, but not bad.  Again, thanks for cheering me on.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, thinking  esp. of you as well as the rest of us...this is hard!

Thank you, Kay.  Yes, I have gotten to this far, but so much could go wrong or not get any better.  There are things that could or could not happen that would lead to my ultimate fear….having to give up living on my own.  There are so many things going wrong with my body I get very worried.  Spending so much time in bed, unable to stand, one shower a week create things I never experienced.