My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

For you, Gwen!

[kayc]

Yesterday I discovered a clogged downspout so I cleaned it out and then checked the others...I discovered my back patio support is pulling away from the patio (rot). NOT a good discovery! I paid $2,000 for this patio (materials only) 46 years ago, can't afford to replace it OR do without it!  Sad when everything is aging like we are.

[kayc]

Gwen, worried about you, are you okay?

[kayc]

Long day today, will be gone until 9 or 10 tonight, not used to that! Kodie will be home, Iris will come get him to play at her house at 3 and at 6 pm...leaving at 11:30 am.

I'm really concerned about Gwen! Esp. with Dee unhinged.

[KarenK]

Worried about Gwen, too. Hope she's just having internet problems.

[Margm]

It hurts me that my daughter felt she had to move away.  She didn't live with me but shared a house with my son.  She has mental problems (I think we all do), but if it gets too bad we seek help.  She always has before too.  One fact, you cannot run from yourself, wherever you go, there you are too.  The stressful fussing has to be removed somehow.  So, my daughter took herself out of it.  I don't know what causes it, but seven years after my grandmother had passed, I had to stop my mom from haranguing about my grandmother to a complete stranger, like she was still alive.  I had to tell her to "give it a rest."  It was a slap in the face to reality, but she quit, except in talking to herself.  Yes, there are personality disorders and mental disorders that have to be removed somehow.  Maybe Gwen has faced that fact and removed her.  As much as it took her mind off her pain, perhaps she had to do it for her own sanity.  The day after Mother's Day my daughter disowned me from being her mother because I would not take sides.  There were no sides to take.  She had done something wrong, felt guilt, I am sure, and that caused the eruption.  I had a friend with bipolar (which is part of my family too), and her sisters and brothers had left her mom's checkbook out on the table.  She admitted to me she wrote checks for things she wanted, on her nursing home mom's checkbook.  She could not help herself.  I understood it.  Kay Redfield is an author that has bipolar.  She also is a professor at some college and a successful author on the side.  I read her books because of the diagnosis of family members.  When she was in NYC, a drug store had a sale on snake bite kits.  in downtown NYC she bought them all, because they were on sale.  These things happen.  I remember my dad in one of his manic moods being so happy, but in his depressed mood, he was so "down" he tried everything to help himself, learned Yoga and meditations of some sort.  

As described by Gwen, Dee certainly has a problem that causes Gwen more problems.  The thing is, as a family member, you miss them when they take themselves away from the family, but the stress can cause so much damage when it is spread around so viciously.  They need help. I'm speaking with TMI, really, but stress can kill the elderly, as well as other caring family members. 

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, Margm said:

As described by Gwen, Dee certainly has a problem that causes Gwen more problems.  The thing is, as a family member, you miss them when they take themselves away from the family, but the stress can cause so much damage when it is spread around so viciously.   

Thank you for all your thoughts, email and concern.    It has been a very tought week.  Happened again last night and now she, her self, is talking about leaving.  I certainly don’t think want to be In nights like that anymore. I now face how much I love and depend on the sober her.  The great nights we’ve had.  How much more powerful this addiction is than me.  The way my life is changing is that *my heart and my head and my head face another crisis out of my control. 
 

We were on the brink yesterday.  She did a lot of thinking non it and came back to me with a promiisory letter to not drink anymore.  She’s never done   that, ever for ever..  One for me and one to carry for her.  This is still a one day at a time thing.

 I also started my stronger pair patches.  Feel weird.  More later.  Thank you all for making me feel I matter.❤️

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm just glad to hear from you.

I'm not sure I understand what your relationship with Dee is exactly, only that her relationship with alcohol has evidently existed for a long time. I doubt that it's possible to end that alone. If she doesn't, eventually whatever love you have for her will fade and turn to resentment. Can she not see what she is doing to you?

There are no easy answers. I just wish for peace in your heart and home.

[kayc]

Gwen, I am so relieved to hear from you!  I was gone until 9:15 last night, asleep by 10 after my daughter and Iris checked to make sure I made it home. It's a decision only the two of you can make. We just care about you is all.

Was a LONG day but good, very thankful my daughter drove from her house, if it was up to GPS we'd still be going in circles. She turned on her phone app and it got us right there.  Ceci did great, and we had burgers at their house afterwards.  Kodie was ecstatic to see me when I got home, he didn't have to die afterall.  Gotta love dogs.  

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

There are no easy answers. I just wish for peace in your heart and home.

Gwen:  Karen's words say what I wish for you perfectly.  Am relieved to see you are ok.  Please remember you do matter.   Hugs.   Dee

[kayc]

Absolutely!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how to explain our relationship.  Especially since the software has messes up what what I type.  There is noo misspelling when I post it. It perfect sense.  The next day it’s all jumbled.  
 

One more time.  She’s written the us bot letters not to drink that day for us and to get her liver treatments.  She wants to be with me.  That is what  LI want.  We love each other.  Can’t turn that off.  But, yes, it can turn to resentment. Trying to prevent that.  
 

Also trying to adapt to the stronger pain patch as I feel the side effects more towards the doctors that created the addiction.  I get the work to undo it.  This could have been done over a year ago if they would have done it right.  
 

Had a decent nights  dinner from CC center.  Kielbasa and cabbage  for my Polish side.. Grateful dark chocolate is good for you.  TV time so so.  Should e hearing from a dentist soon.  No nitrous tho.  Love that stuff.  Morning and night all.  💕🌞

 

[kayc]

Jack came over and looked at my patio situation, will cob something together for me. He laughed when I told him I didn't want to call a contractor, they'd be pulling everything apart, going overboard, costing me thousands.  His idea is the same as mine.  He pointed out that the rails aren't sagging and that's a good sign. He cleaned my chimney, roof, gutters, weedwhacked and mowed, all for $80, that's a steal, esp. as big as my yard is!  I sure appreciate him. I got a graduation announcement, I told him I haven't received one since my kids were young.  His son Joseph grew up here, has done yard work for me as well.

I wish you well with the pain patches, honestly, I think most of the time our medical community could do a whole lot better. They wreak havoc on us and we're left trying to deal with it....like me having to go for a spirometry test because THEY mis-diagnose without testing. It's nuts.  Doesn't sound fun to do.  I hope allergens aren't in full bloom then! But they probably will be.  What they did to your back is unbelievable, and where is the doctor that did it?  Not there taking care of you!  My point exactly. They create a mess and then what?  You're left to figure it out.

Good luck with your teeth, hope you hear from the dentist soon!

 

 

 

[Margm]

I was going to pick up my sister from the ER.  Slow road to the hospital, fairly close to where I live.  Going down road that goes to the hospital, a woman ran a stop sign and destroyed my "Ferris" Yaris Toyota.  Paid for in February.  Air bag hit me in chest.  I was going slow, not a main thoroughfare, old rich people homes, very quiet, only her car and mine on the street.  I tried to brake when I saw her dart out, but somehow she came so fast it hit my driver's side, and she was coming from a passenger side street.  My right breast is twice its size, but no bleeding and is now dark color and blue.  Ambulance came (hospital not but two blocks or less away).  Took my blood pressure.  Turned my wig sideways (my main concern at the moment) until I started hurting. She had a bigger car than mine and was only interested in getting her groceries home.  I turned it over to my insurance.  Had police out and everything.  I had a wreck when I was in my 30's, not my fault either, but Billy was with me and we always had two cars.  Just waiting on what to do.  

Gwen, my daughter has always had a woman for a companion.  She married a fellow once but she prefers the company of women.  Her marriage was a disaster, but after her childhood abuse by the youth minister, before she was even 14, she has a distrust for men and she and my sister (who was raped twice, different times) preferred women as companions, it is very understandable your companionship.  I hope Dee seeks treatment.  AA helped my sister very much.  She still goes.  Had fallen "off the wagon" when she kept my mom.  I would have had to poison myself to take care of my mom too, although in Alzheimer's she was not much worse than she had been for 95 years.  And I think that was one of the 10 commandments I failed.  A few more too.

 

[MartyT]

Oh Marg, I'm so sorry to learn this awful news about your Ferris Yaris Toyota ~ but so grateful to know that you're (relatively) all right. Please take good care of you, and know that we are pulling for you! ❤️

[Margm]

I heard from my insurance a bunch today and I always thought I had to wait for the other's insurance, but my insurance will even get me a rental car.  I don't know how long that goes, but it made me happy to have Shelter since 2010.  I hope they do what they say.  I said it seems like the other insurance should pay, and he said, "Oh, we will get the money back from them."  I am new to this wrecking stuff.  I hope I'm doing right.  I had a choice of waiting for the other person's insurance, or let mine take care of it.  I honestly don't know what I'm doing.  I think I need to have my right breast examined as it took the brunt of the airbag, probably the steering wheel too.  I'm not good with this stuff.  I had a wreck back in my late 20's or early 30's.  Billy handled it.  It was the other person's fault then too.  I'm honestly flying blind.  

[KarenK]

Marg, I am so sorry. I know you loved your little car, but it can be replaced. You can't, so "Yes, please", get yourself to the ER ASAP. There could be things wrong inside that you can't see.

You're absolutely doing the right thing letting your insurance take care of everything. That's what you pay them for.

Can Brianna come and stay with you for a while until you're feeling better?

[Margm]

Brianna has been with me again for awhile.  She says she feels peace hearing me snoring. I wish I could fix her room but Kelli has boxes stored.  Maybe she will get them. Thank you Karen.  I am finding bruises all over me.  Does not hurt, but my sister noticed them and then I rode with her and I was a nervous wreck.  I'm not sure about her chemo-brain yet, and I hope that is what it is.  We went to my bank to get her a little money and she went wrong way in one way things.  I'm worried she should not be driving.  LISTEN TO ME, the idiot that let a woman run into me yesterday.  Guess you have to drive defensively, and we all know that.

 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, so sorry about your car.  Best let the insurance companies duke it out.  Get a car right away so you aren't stranded.  I haven't been in a wreck, either, since my 20’s.  What a pain.  I rode my bike as I don't think I had the rental car part.  I am the most happy you seem OK.  Heck of a place for a bruise!  
 

I couldn't live with a male in ca roommate situation.  Did that for a bit when I left home and didn't care for it.  Most guys are messy and you can't run around freel as you can with women.  Had to cover up all the time.  Laundry was complicated.  Other women around.  Marriage was freer from those situations.  
 

First week peaking on higher  dos pain patch.  Been feeling sick all night since.  dinner.  Movie Time was a fiasco with an extreme depression movie about altshiemers.  Not enough time to start another one.  
 

Counseling today.  💕 to all.
 

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Margm said:

turned my wig sideways (my main concern at the moment) until I started hurting.

Marg, you can make everything comical!  I am so sorry about your Yaris and your breast, I'm sure your wig is straight now. Can't believe this woman and all she cared about is her groceries?!  How about you hit an elderly woman and wrecked her car!  People can be so thoughtless and annoying.  I never had a company provide a rental, so glad you have that. I haven't had a wreck since someone backed into me in a McD's parking lot, was still working then, don't remember the year, about 10-15 years ago. Had someone do two hit and runs on my car, never got a thing for it, it was right before my quarantine and surgery a few years ago. My pretty new car, all boogered up. I swear it's a magnet for people doing things to it. Keep us posted, Marg.

 

 

 

[Widow2015]

Marg:  How awful for you to have to have this happen to you and your little car.  Thank goodness you weren't injured more.  It seems anymore that everyone is in such a rush they aren't thinking about what's around them.  I hope the insurance situation works out for you.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Most guys are messy

My George wasn't, he was always straightening out the afghan on the couch or the towels corners to make sure they met. He was never obtrusive with it, I miss seeing him behind me straightening, and I never considered myself messy, guess he was even more of a perfectionist!

[Gwenivere]

Steve wasn’t a perfectionist, but he knew I liked things in place.  They didn’t have to precise.  I appreciated he cared.  Dee does too.  The only thing I don’t do now is make my side of the bed because of the rain of getting in and out.  
 

Counseling was a let down again yesterday.  We decided to focus on one topic next week which is put off til Saturday.  11 days.  Dee talks t her doctor today so we’ll have more info on what to expect coming up for her.  Seeing her in so much pain is taking a toll.  On us both.  

Have to talk to my doctor this week too.  Always assisted living.  Off to sleep. The fake stuff I get.  💕 to all.

[kayc]

Mon. Iris took her friend Denise (she's dying of cancer...rapidly) to the hospital at 1 am, was with her all day tending to her and Denise' elderly crotchety dog, Tuesday Iris saw her naturopathic doctor and tended Denise and her dog, Wednesday Iris left 5 am to get the dog, go in and tend Denise some more and see her own oncologist, she's scheduling surgery for her remaining cancer. She's surrounded by carbs and I've been worried about her but not wanting to be invasive either...her cancer has made a comeback so I'm glad to see her take this step, I was worried she might be giving up...a lot of newly bereaved do. I am actually relieved she's doing this.  She didn't let me know ahead of time she'd be gone so I didn't get Jazzy out of her kennel until 10 as I didn't know. Today she plans to stay home...I hope.  

I slept five hours last night, couldn't get back to sleep even though exhausted. Have been taking care of Jazzy so much this week, I am really tired. Bible study this afternoon, and again, feeling too tired, maybe if it didn't take four hours to go there and back.

[Gwenivere]

I can’t think of anything I'd travel that far in a trip unless it was included in a vacation.  I got antsy sitting in a doctors office!  That’s dedication, Kay!

Today is such an empty day.  So much depressing reality.  I've tried calling a company I considered for the AC install that I paid to use but didn’t.  Every time I get connected with agent to get my money back, voice was so gabled we couldn’t communicate.  I just called Apple to fix my keyboard and thought they did, but it  reverted back.  I hate chasing crazy problems.  I’m also angry about money I may have lost. 
 

Dee is becoming impossible to live with. No news there but it’s getting worse.  
 

Hope to get thru a shower today and stay relatively sane.  Exhaustion and stress stole so much sleep.  I did ge5 my iPad fixed and now have AC!  Have to get sed ito it coming on and off.  Find the right temperature  and redo curtains around the window.  💕 to alll.