Where do I go from here

[JimJim]

Strange thing how quickly friends and relatives lose interest, like if it's not today"s news, then why bother? when I first lost My Beautiful Nancy back in Dec/2018, everyone I spoke with was willing to lend a helping ear, and i had a lot to say, but the same people now, if I bring up my struggles and feelings that i have inside, nothing has changed, I am still unable to face any facts, still thinking that Nancy will be home waiting for me when I get home from work, asking for a kiss like she always does, when I mention these feelings to my supposed friends and relatives, they quickly change the subject on me, act as if they didn't hear me, like I'm not going to notice! so I just don't call them anymore, I suppose they're not to blame, life has gone on for them, but for me, I am still on that hospital ward having to make that horrible decision for her that would turn off the machine, and cause me to lose the only thing in my life that mattered the most to me! I too feel completely vacant inside, have no emotion about anything, the only feeling I have now is the yearning and wanting and praying to be where Nancy is, for the Creator to take me too, why not, I have nothing left here any longer, after 25 years together, we were never apart, so why now!! Nancy was my only reason for being here, and me for her, to take care of one another, we were put on this earth for this simple reason, now the reason has ended and the Lovely job completed, I pray each night that the Creator will take me to her, I only hope the Creator is listening, as I am ready!! 

[Metal]

I hear you. That's rough. 

[Gwenivere]

I can relate.  I’m not religious, but I know the feeling there is nothing here for me anymore.  How people don’t want to hear about it as their lives have continued without loss.  I still talk wih them, but rarely bring Steve up.  Only when I’ll note that I have to hire or ask someone to do something I can’t or never did and don’t want to.  (Never going to use a lawnmower or other gadgets he had). We had over 30 years so I grapple with the questions you have.  I think we all do.  No one wanted to be left behind.  So many of us had plans of getting older together.  Someone would have to go first at some point, but we were all robbed of more years together.  I wake up wondering why too.  What’s the point and with this quarantine it is immensely magnified.  It wouldn’t be fun, per se, but it could be an adventure we would weather together.  I’m daily amazed at the way we spent time and figured out how to handle day to day things.  I try not to go back to his last week.  It’s a nightmare that now only rarely catches me off guard.  

I wish I had some wise words.  I’m sorry you keep finding yourself in that horrid memory.  You do have something I don’t.  That you will be reunited.  I don’t know where Steve is or if he exists beyond energy or at all.  I don’t know if I will ever see him again.  That tears up my heart time and time again.  I am glad, despite the pain you endure now, you have that.  She is waiting for you.  

[kayc]

JimJim, you have discovered what we discovered when each of us lost the person that meant the most to us in the world...for everyone else life goes on, for us everything stopped on that day.  As we worked on our grief and tried to adjust we have made some strides, we are functional, we get up, dress, clean the house, go to work (until I retired) and try to incorporate something into our lives to give us something to look forward to, some sense of purpose.  Right now all of that has come to a screeching halt with this pandemic, throwing us back to square one, as if we've made no strides at all.  We have to hear others complain about being with their spouse all the time and I think this makes me want to scream most of all!  

When I lost George, I couldn't see how the sun could go on shining!  How could it when he wasn't in it!  He had such zest for life, he was so caring, so loving, how could anyone live without him?!  Yet his family did, his friends, the world!  All but me, I was stuck having to rewrite my existence and didn't know what script to use.  Life was barren of color, it's like my life was now in black and white.

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know if I will ever see him again.

Gwen I will believe and hold faith for you until you can...

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She is waiting for you.

And Steve is waiting for you.  This brings tears to my eyes, I wish for you all comfort and peace.  

[JimJim]

Thank you all for your support, during these most difficult times, it's most appreciated! you know strange thing is how much time keeps going by, the days come and go, and each day is the same as the last, empty! the only thing that is keeping me going are my projects for Nancy, she is an artist, and I have all of her paintings on a website that I opened for her, we always thought about opening a gallery to showcase her work, so I included a Bio of her growing up in Chicago, getting her Masters in Psychology, then settling in Denver where we live, Nancy was born in 47, so she was into the 60's era of marching for human rights and racial equality, loves Bill Maher on Friday nights lol.  She made me into the man that I am today, with her I was special, she made me feel special, because she is Special, w/o her I just feel empty, void of all emotions, except for the Love that I feel for her, I have a few more projects for her that I am still working on, however once these are completed, my work will be done, I am doing all these things in her honor, things I promised her in life!! My wish is once these are completed, the Creator will say, Jim your work is done, welcome to the Kingdom, you may now join Nancy!! Thank you all again for your lending ear, We Thank you, both Nancy and myself, and wish you all the best during these most difficult times!! With warmest regards, Nancy and Jim.

[Gwenivere]

It’s very admirable that you are completing a project in honor of Nancy  I wish I could have done the same for Steve, but but his were/are musical and I am no musician.  A buddy of his is compiling that.  

Its so hard losing the person that made us feel the most important person on earth.  Also losing the most important person on earth.  I know the color from life has drained away to mere pastels if that.  The things that do come up that his being here for to handle just rubs it in.  I just got a quote for a tree to come down that we put off.  Decisions about cash and a discount or just pay for it easily by card, he would have handled that.  I’d want the discount, he’d feel we earned not hassling with it.  I’ll make his decision as it’s easier.  I’ll miss the ribbing about how frugal I am.  

I also so envy your knowing you will be with her again.  I know I have said that before.  It’s a spark of warmth in this now cold world without them.  You’ll get to find out how she feels about all you did for her.  I hope you can feel her embrace again.

 

[JimJim]

Very kind words, Thank you for that!!  yes Nancy did cause me to feel like I belonged here, she gave me a sense of purpose, a reason to get up and live for the day, she allowed me to see the world through her eyes, and it was very colorful, filled with hope and wishes for a good day and even a better tomorrow! actual hope, real feelings, things I no longer have, if it's possible to be on this planet just for the purpose of breathing, then I have found it, I know there is nothing that can be done to bring things back, understanding life doesn't work that way, are not wishing to be so foreboding, nor grim, Nancy is always so happy, even during the bad times, she always has hope, if you notice, I do not speak of her in past tense, as I believe she is with me always, you should see the faces of people when they see me speaking with her, thinking I'm crazy!! I am crazy over her, and will be till I join her, We are wishing all of you an amicable day, as best you can under the circumstances of missing our Loved ones. Yours Truly Nancy and Jim.

[Gwenivere]

Being a long time veteran of counseling, I’ve heard all the goobily gook about our own importance.  I think of the times pre Steve and had them, but I was so young that a break up with no tight bonds had me crying at love songs like the world was ending.  How little I knew.  How I rebounded quickly.  Then he came along and everything changed.  I learned over time the true meaning of life and importance.  How having the person that meant more than yourself and you to them made things complete.  How losing them was losing yourself.  Am I deserving of life?  Yes.  Can I still make others happy?  Yes.  Can I contribute to better this world? Yes.  

Can I feel I’m a part of this life, world, needs of it because I matter to someone?  No.  I get thanks for things, but they pass quickly and often forgotten given time.  With him, nothing was forgotten.  It was a symmetry that ran itself by being together.  I didn’t have to search for meaning because it was already there.  This fumbling around in the dark looking for that is a losing pursuit.  I had it and it was taken from me.  I was driving home tonight with tears on my face at how different the world is.  I would be coming home to emptiness.  Yes, my dogs wanted their food.  But they do love me and the 'pack' being complete has them slumbering peacefully.  I am a part of it, but it isn’t enough as they can’t interact with me as he did.  They can’t advise me.  They can’t hold me when I’m down or hold my hand drifting off to sleep.  Understand when I verbalize thoughts I come up with.  Philosophical questions we’d banter back and forth. 

Steve was (I do speak in past tense because he is so glaringly absent) like your Nancy.  Always so happy and full of life.  It was contagious not just to me but others around him.  I’d still be sitting alone right now as it was my reading or TV show time he wasn’t into plus he had music to make.  But in.a couple hours we’d be at the dinner table discussing our day.  Or sharing something we did and how we felt about it.  Maybe concocting a project needed or for fun.  I’ll be staring out the window next to that empty chair and placemat as I always am.  His half of the meal I prepared I will eat some other night.  Just isn’t right.

 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I get thanks for things, but they pass quickly and often forgotten given time.  With him, nothing was forgotten.

So well said!  Because we MATTERED to them!  They noticed every nuance, everything about us and took it in.  George identified with hummingbirds drinking their nectar because that's how he felt with me.  No one but someone in LOVE could feel that!  I never had this with anyone else.  

JimJim, I love that you are honoring your wife's wishes as a tribute to her.  What a wonderful thing!  I bought a scrapbooking album and all of the stuff to do it with to create one of George but never could do it.  It's still too painful.  I watched a video this morning about a dog that died and I bawled.  

A friend of mine is being taken off life support.  His wife has the horrible decision of deciding when.  I've known him for 43 years and worked for him for nine years in a very close tight-knit office, and felt a part of their family.  They don't live here anymore.  He is a wonderful person.  So hard.

[Gwenivere]

I never did scrapbooking.  Are you doing it for yourself, Kay?  Is there someone that it would go to later?  I can see how it would be an easy way to revisit special moments.  I kept up photo albums which is the closest.  Put our marriage license, a sample card I’d make for Xmas and the train stubs we had to Reno to get married in there.  But 99% pictures.  I think of all the cards and poems I have from him and my scrapbook would be so thick I doubt I could carry it!    I also have journals scattered everywhere I abandoned because it hurt to much to reread them and they would have no interest to anyone else.  Maybe if I had kids, but since I don’t it was too much.  Even notes on here in an app.  I guess I don’t want to go back to those pains when I keep finding more to tackle.   Especially now getting so much older alone and really seeing the changes the city and our landmark places as many are disappearing for apartments and condos.  One special park is being changed for some reason.  Gone is the bench we sat on, the lake front the dogs used and a nifty gazebo.  I don’t understand why when things are just fine someone gets the idea to change it.  

 

[kayc]

I've made cards for 35 years.  But my desire has been gone for a long time now, I only make them when I have to, not for the fun of it like I used to.  I think you have to be in a happy place.  And I'm lonely, don't see light at the end of the tunnel and nothing to look forward to anytime soon...that doesn't set the stage for creating something.  I have all the knowledge and tools, but no heart left for it.  I can't bear to look at the pictures.  Can't bear to go through them.  I'd always intended to of my kids but never could.  The bin I have "the family pictures" in are too painful to visit...all I think when I see it is it's all gone, another family bit the dust.  Sorry this is so depressing, but it's the truth of what I feel.  I just can't go through it.

[Gwenivere]

I so totally get what you feel.  People have suggested soooooo many times I draw again not getting it has to be in a good place.  I’m not creative when in pain.  Of any type but for art, mentally.  I’m not one of those kinds of artists.  I went thru pictures to divvy up and got them out to the family when Steve was alive.  It was a fun project as I knew people would be surprised getting stuff they had forgotten about and we were all younger and not hit with life altering loss yet except maybe a parent.  Definitely not a friend or spouse.  We were all still physically functional just dipping our toes into limits.  It’s not just ours, a lot of families have bit  the dust so to speak.  It’s the ones that the original pair get to start over again as empty nesters or continue on like Steve and I as we always were that kept this darkness from growing.  

I know the root for me.  I don’t want to grow old alone.  There was a woman who lived across the street decades ago who was alone and I’d always think I was so lucky.  That wouldn’t happen to me because I had Steve.  I didn’t put together her being a widow even tho I saw her son, I think, stop by on occasion.  Sometimes a friend, but hardly anyone for extended periods.  Just like me.      

My mind says this is all wrong.  A horrid mistake was made.  I didn’t live a life that had this turn in it.   Someone screwed up.  I discovered my biggest fear.  Being totally alone.  The avenues of making friends dried up as I aged.  The few that seemed promising fell thru.  I couldn’t compete with their already fuller lives.  The friends I had started to disappear to but a few I rarely see due to limits they have and conflicting schedules.  Plus I can’t do much and we are isolated anyway.  I try and find ways I can take the lead on this and improve it but find nothing.  I know people won’t appear at my door and I have no avenue of interest or physical comfort/ability to seek out at least some acquaintances.  I’m grateful for the very few I have, but we can’t do anything together now.  It didn’t matter if being together were good or bad conversations, it was the sharing of actual physical companionship.  Talk out bad stuff, laugh in good times.  

I look at my list for the day and it’s pathetic.  I write down the obvious like laundry just to have something to cross off.  Used to be I was rushing around to get stuff done.  Now standing up to take my dogs ball to the back and throw it for her is monumental.  Every time I move she alerts to will she get up?  I get to talk to my counselor today.  She will have no answers as this is my problem.  She doesn’t make suggestions which I appreciate.  Hearing things yo know won’t fit makes it worse.  But I can say whatever I want.  I want to need something I can actually have.

I don’t want to go to bed another night begging for something to take me.  Wake up to the alarm saying you get to do this all over again.  Watch from afar others sharing life.  Be that old woman that lived across from me.  But I already am.  

[Dropstereo]

I lost my soulmate and girlfriend of 16 years this past Friday (5/8) . She was only 33, had sooo much life left to give. What you describe hits home so much because only in a mere 5 days since, I feel like my friends and family have completely moved on already. On day 1 it was “anything you need I’m here, anything.” But now it’s like “ohh umm well let me take care of the kids first” . I get it. People grieve differently and people react to grief differently. But it’s definitely real what you are feeling cuz I’m absolutely in the same boat. It’s like they are too scared to even be around me because they don’t know what to say or don’t want to hear me talk about it anymore. It’s a real crappy feeling indeed. I think finding a community that knows how eachother feel and what we are going through is much more helpful than reaching out to people who may be considered “best friends”. This has been awful , but watching my “friends” back away cuz of being scared to talk to me feels even worse. 

[kayc]

I know what you are saying, Gwen.  When I was in the prime of my life there were widows in this neighborhood, I saw them out walking alone but they had each other too, a couple of them ate dinner together, alternating houses.  Of course with my dietary restrictions, even if there were someone around, that wouldn't be doable.  It seems everyone else eats high carbs I can't have.  The couple of restaurants left in this town I can't think of a thing on the menu I can eat as is.  And it doesn't make sense to order meat and salad when I can fix it for so much less at home.  And plainly, that gets boring.  

13 hours ago, Dropstereo said:

I lost my soulmate and girlfriend of 16 years this past Friday (5/8) . She was only 33, had sooo much life left to give. What you describe hits home so much because only in a mere 5 days since, I feel like my friends and family have completely moved on already. On day 1 it was “anything you need I’m here, anything.” But now it’s like “ohh umm well let me take care of the kids first” . I get it. People grieve differently and people react to grief differently. But it’s definitely real what you are feeling cuz I’m absolutely in the same boat. It’s like they are too scared to even be around me because they don’t know what to say or don’t want to hear me talk about it anymore. It’s a real crappy feeling indeed. I think finding a community that knows how eachother feel and what we are going through is much more helpful than reaching out to people who may be considered “best friends”. This has been awful , but watching my “friends” back away cuz of being scared to talk to me feels even worse. 

I am so sorry for your loss!  I didn't meet my husband and soulmate until my mid-40s  but he died just after his 51st birthday.  We thought we had years left together!  ALL of our friends disappeared and very quickly!  My two besties didn't even bother attending his funeral.  I understand funerals are not fun and neither is a shocked crying widow, but geez!  I can't imagine ditching my friend under the circumstances.  The good news is I went on to make a new best friend and it was great for years until she moved to TX to remarry.  I'm glad for her but sad for me.  No one has filled that spot since and it's been a few years.

All I can tell you is keep reaching out, involve yourself in things, call people, make the first move.  It may take a lot of effort before you see fruition.  This social isolation has wreaked havoc on everyone, I feel like I'm back to square one as far as building a life I can live after loss.

I wrote this, of the things I'd found helpful over the years following my loss of George, I hope something in it helps you either now or on down the road.  Unfortunately some of it will have to wait until after COVID-19 is past to some extent.  Taking a day at a time helped me tremendously,  I do that still.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JimJim]

My sincere condolences Dropstereo on the loss of your Soulmate so recently, so young in life she is at 33, there are no words to describe what you must be going through, the heartache and longing to be with her just one more time, it never goes away, I would keep telling myself that it wasn't real, that I would wake up soon, and this was all a nightmare,  I don't want to tell you all the standard lines, and I've heard them all,  "she is in a better place, or she is no longer suffering and can now rest in peace" a better place is with me here and now, and she can rest herself on my shoulders, here is where she belongs!! Friends and relatives as you say are attentive at first, then that fades as their lives go on uninterrupted, as the emptiness that we feel goes on, each day in a fog trying to understand it all, and after over a year now, I still don't understand, or maybe I just don't want to? the only thing i know is that my life is missing the only thing that made it a life! I apologize for not having something better to tell you, except to say that your feelings are valid, two lives together, two people connecting as one, can never be matched, or forgotten!! 

[Kieron]

Welcome, Dropstereo, and I am sorry to say this is incredibly common to observe people disappear.  I heard the exact same platitudes, only nothing came of these automatic mouthings.  Even now if I mention it, people look around nervously, like it's catching.  The other day some guy said, "Sorry for your loss.  Life is a journey."  Just eight words, uttered in almost a monotone, robot style.  I reminded myself that the best response to this is silence, versus a verbal smackdown.  I so wanted to say, "Did you hear that in a movie or something?"

And your loss is so very fresh.  It'll be a week soon.  Then two weeks.  And it goes on.  I hope there is some kind of local grief group available for you in some way, perhaps.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry you are here.  All of us are because of tragic loss.  I’m amazed about people disappearing so soon after her so recent passing.  I got at least a month or so before I was supposed to be better.  People on the outside cannot get it.  They may miss your special someone, but obviously it’s not life altering.  16 years shows a deep commitment and bond.  I don’t know how you are feeling as you are probably still in shock with it being only a week.  I recall being in a blur for many months. I hope you will feel safe enough here to share anything you feel with others that will understand completely (with true empathy).  There are commonalities and things that will be unique to your journey.  But we all know and validate each other.  33 was so very young.  There must have been plans and dreams.  You aren’t alone yet you are.  It’s an awful feeling, one unimaginable to anyone who has not experienced it and in your age group not a common thing.  Those of us in our 60’s and above get the 'it’s to be expected' line almost callously when life still contains hopes and dreams too.  Yours probably does scare people as that is so alien at that age.  I hadn’t even lost my mother much less my other half back then.  I hope we can help you with this new journey, one you never wanted.  We are here to listen and give support where you feel you need and want it.  Whatever you share is up to you.  My deepest understanding is what I can give you.

[Dropstereo]

Wow, I thank you all for such generous sympathy and caring. It really helps knowing I can reach out to you all and have people who understand what I’m going through instead of the cliche empty words (even if they truly do care, they just don’t know what to say) .

Tomorrow marks 1 week and NOTHING has gotten any easier. In fact, complete opposite. Her mother has also started texting me less, and I feel like I’m intruding if I text and ask how she’s holding up. We still haven’t gotten an autopsy report because everything is so delayed right now. I guess it will offer a small amount of closure, like If there was something that couldn’t have been prevented even if I did something differently that night. The what if’s are killing me. And the guilt is consuming. I appreciate all of your advice. I hope I can maybe be of assistance to someone else who may be in our positions someday. My heart will always have a gaping hole for the rest of my days. 

[kayc]

Nothing was as horrible to me as the early days when George first died.  But I think shock protects us from full impact hitting at once, when it begins to leave and reality sets in, that's a whole other phase too.  

WE all go through the whatifs in early grief, looking for a different outcome but there isn't any but the one that happened.  Be kind to yourself and patient, tell yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation.  I hope these articles will be of help to you:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[JimJim]

Dropstereo, your right about the what if's, it is a killer, I hope answers are able to allow you some closure!! My Nancy had a Aortic Dissection and the doctors told me there was nothing I could have done, I racked and racked my brain, thinking what I could have done to catch it before it caused her harm, if I had forced an MRI, if I had just done anything forcing her to the doctors office, anything!! and I didn't and here I am, without the most important person in my life, and I keep thinking what if.  and the guilt, it was my job to protect her from anything harmful, and I failed! all of these feelings inside of me, make me feel like exploding, I don't know about the what if's, if it ever goes away, or the guilt, sometimes I feel like it's the only thing here on earth that I can still hold onto physically about her, that nobody can take away, not even god!!  I hope you are able to get through this period of time ok, it will be hard! Take care of yourself!!  P.S sometimes through local Hospice, they are able to recommend local grief groups, of course right now they are online. Bye

[Gwenivere]

I know we all want to believe there was something we could have done to save them.  Unfortunately, that creates guilt.  Guilt is one of the most useless of emotions in this situation.  I know there was nothing more I could have done for our situation.  I had no control of cancer.  Even the treatments I researched and convinced him to stop were so he could enjoy what time he had and maybe it cost a couple months,I don’t know.  What I do know is I wanted him to have the best of the time he had left, which he did.  Time with me, his buddies, our dogs and not sick from poisons.  We have to have faith in ourselves and remember this was the most important person in our life and we did the best we could for them because of deep love.  We have to let go of looking back at what if we would have made an ER trip, called the doctor sooner, whatever pops in our head.  We were dealing with conditions that were going to win no matter what. Ask yourself would you ever endanger the person you love the most in the world?  Of course not. We aren’t doctors, we weren’t our partners to know everything they felt.  I know Steve didn’t tell me things sometimes to not worry me more. It's hard to accept we would be where we are no matter what.  Those are the times I yell, scream and cry.  But I don’t go back.  I lived it once.  Never want to again.  I’ll sometimes pass where he died forgetting as it was once just a traffic shortcut.  I guess I’ve made peace that when I see it, I don’t have to go in anymore and see the things I did anymore.  This is such a complicated process.  We’ll be dragged back forever just hopefully less and less.  I want to go back to the good times even tho they hurt as much sometimes.  

[kayc]

Gwen's right, guilt doesn't help, it's role is to call attention to needed change and once we've done that or there's nothing that can be done at this point, we take what we've learned and discard the guilt for it harms us at this point.

You say the whatifs are what holds you to her...I want to point out that it's not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.  Many people refuse to let themselves smile or enjoy life because they feel it's somehow dishonoring...it's not.  It's to be coveted.  It's not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.

You may not be at the point where you've encountered even momentary happy feelings, but this is a good article to keep in mind for when that time comes.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

[Metal]

Dropstereo, I am so so sorry. I don't know if you've read my thread but reading your post the comparison is scary (her 33, and 16 years together) almost like reading my own post and not recognising it as my own. I can't help, but I am feeling your same pain. I don't know how the hell I will get through this either. I hope you find some family or friends who will help support you. Feel free to message me to talk, I don't know anyone else who has been through anything like this. 

[scba]

On 5/13/2020 at 8:37 PM, Dropstereo said:

I z I’m I think finding a community that knows how eachother feel and what we are going through is much more helpful than reaching out to people who may be considered “best friends”. This has been awful , but watching my “friends” back away cuz of being scared to talk to me feels even worse. 

Yes. Find a place were you can express yourself freely without judgement. Were you can cry. Therapy, grief group. This forum. This is a scary thing to write but your journey has just started. We all here have been when you are today, but you don't walk alone. Not here.

Your friends won't get it and those who will stand to witness your pain are going to be few. I lost my boyfriend 5 years ago. He was 31. 

This is the most compassionate place ever. 

[scba]

1 hour ago, Metal said:

Dropstereo, I am so so sorry. I don't know if you've read my thread but reading your post the comparison is scary (her 33, and 16 years together) almost like reading my own post and not recognising it as my own. I can't help, but I am feeling your same pain. I don't know how the hell I will get through this either. I hope you find some family or friends who will help support you. Feel free to message me to talk, I don't know anyone else who has been through anything like this. 

You will survive. Trust this. Trust this when the storm is all over the place. It is one day at a time. You did it today. You'll do it tomorrow. One foot in front of the other.