How did it begin?

[Gwenivere]

I was thinking of Steve’s and my relationship.  The relationships we both had before we came into each other’s lives.  Obviously there was something that made this 'the one'.  I was trying to figure out a way to describe it when I had my counseling today and it hit me.  There are so many things that happened as it is for everyone, but what would be the word(s) I’d use to just describe the essence.

For us, it was fire.  Other relationships were fine at the time, but they didn’t make me feel that.  Whenever I was around him I felt a burning inside and the way we interacted reflected that.  Nothing subtle about us.  We didn’t do romantic dates or 'woo'ing'.  It was intense  I thought it would burn out eventually and we’d move on.    I didn’t feel thoughts of love towards Steve at the time.   It was lust and fire.   Found out we were the same in our passions of what was important in life.  We started becoming friends.  The more we learned about each other the stronger that bond grew.  I had no plans to marry him.  When he said we should I was hesitant but thought let’s play this out.  It was just to good to be true.  I didn’t want to fall in love because I knew I’d never find this again.  But my heart made a different decision.  

Flash forward 31 years and there we were.  The fire never died.  We were never conventional.  Even in doing everyday things it felt intense.  Disagreements were low keyed as we learned how to hear each other, but the fire burned.  Good times were so much more intense.  

So I watched other marriages and saw we were so very different.  I watched other pairs closely and was so glad we were always aflame.  I had others tell me they saw it when they were with us.  I know that is why I feel so cold inside now.  It’s embers in reality, but inside I keep trying to strike that match. Can’t be done without him.

All people are different.  Some thrive on romance and gentility.  I’m just throwing this out there to see how others might define their relationship if they want to.  I know everyone here’s loss is a huge as mine.  We’ve al been robbed of 'the one'.

[kayc]

When I first met George, there wasn't instant attraction on my part, that grew the more I got to know him, it was HIM (his spirit, who he was) that drew me and created the chemistry and passion we had.  With him I think it was an instant attraction...but I also know that alone is not enough to hold someone, if you don't have mutual respect, values, interests, understand each other, it can fizzle out like a sparkler died out.  We had it all.  We were so fortunate!  We were in every way, soulmate, best friends, lovers!  We didn't live together until we married but the "adjustment" seemed smooth, it was amazing!  I think a lot of it had to do with his views and how he proceeded with things.  I know I could search the world over and never find anyone even close to being like him again...just like I'll never find another Arlie.  But I learned with Kodie that he created his own spot in my heart and in no way replaces Arlie, instead my heart grew to accommodate him in my life.  I wonder if it's kind of like that when people remarry?  My friend, Virgie, remarried after her Jim passed away, about five years later and she is very happy...she was lucky, she found the right one twice.  Many of us do not and we can attest to here.

I think you and Steve had everything...just as we did.  Many marry to someone kind of so-so for them, lacking passion, chemistry, closeness and understanding.  One of my sisters did.  She married because she didn't want to be alone.  They are married 50 years come June 1st.  They've made it work.  I guess there's a lot to be said for that too.  I know he loves her.  And if he died, I think she'd find out just how much he means to her.

[Metal]

This song (The Fragile, by Nine Inch Nails) reflects our starting point for me.  It changed and developed after that. But to begin with, seeing her and caring about her gave me the will to pull myself out of the dumps so that I could help her, and in turn she helped me, and together we loved each other, helped each other, and had a perfect partnership where together we were far greater than the two of us could ever have been apart. 

She shines

In a world full of ugliness

She matters

When everything is meaningless

 

Fragile

She doesn't see her beauty

She tries to get away

Sometimes

It's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

 

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

 

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

Hoping someone can see

If I could fix myself I'd... 

But it's too late for me

 

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

I won't let you fall apart

 

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

But they keep waiting

And picking and picking and picking and picking

And picking and picking and picking and picking

And picking and picking

 

It's something I have to do

I won't let you fall apart

I was there, too

I won't let you fall apart

Before everything else

I won't let you fall apart

I was like you

I won't let you fall apart

[Margm]

Went with him six months.  I was tired of dating.  He was a blind date.  We had talked on the phone.  His best friend saw me at our schools Christmas party.  He told my friend, "she's for Billy."  They called him and had me talk to him.  I had a date for both nights of the week-end, could have broke them but he said "You don't know what your missing."  I had already asked my friend if he looked as good as her boyfriend of years.  She said, not quite as good looking.  Well, dang, was no reason for me to go cause I didn't think he was too cute.  But, we all finagled a date.  Just in case, I had this friend, who happened to be a boy, and he was a friend, but he was gonna take me home if I didn't like Billy.  Billy was so angry.  I looked at him and thought "Damn, a tall Steve McQueen."  Mama always said if they were good to their mother they were husband material.  (She hated her mother-in-law).  I had not had a "wild" time yet, so I went with some girlfriends to "the strip" which had nightclubs.  This ole country gal had never seen so many lights.  It was magic.  First two men I danced with had wedding rings on.  I called Billy at his house, he came and got me, and that was that. Mama and I did not get along, Billy and I did.  (Until we got married).  He knew why I was getting married.  Wow, frying pan into the fire.  We stood with each other through a lot of traumatic times.  The chemistry was forever there. And, if I could do it over, I would not have done anything any different.  He was the best Daddy, Granddaddy, and eventually husband and best friend anybody could be lucky enough to ever find.  Tall and lanky, I stood under his arms when he had them stretched out.  I miss him so much.

We have the tropical weather coming up from the Gulf of Mexico and lots of clouds.  Scott spent the evening with us and I walked outside when he was leaving.  One twinkling little star could be seen, so I talked to Billy.  He didn't answer back.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

We stood with each other through a lot of traumatic times.  The chemistry was forever there. And, if I could do it over, I would not have done anything any different.  He was the best Daddy, Granddaddy, and eventually husband and best friend anybody could be lucky enough to ever find.  Tall and lanky, I stood under his arms when he had them stretched out.  I miss him so much.

Thatvis an awesome story, Marg.  Very much like Steve and I going thru so many rough patches but the chemistry could never be broken for long.  We were like magnets.  Even 2 years once couldn’t break the hold.  We’d find excuses to get together.  Our dog was a great one since she was our kid, mail, something he forgot, etc.   We split up twice and both times it wouldn’t hold.  I believe those times tightened our bond to unbreakable.  I know after the last one it was never an option or needed.  We finally worked hard at our marriage and got it right.  That is why I am so angry about the cancer.  what right it have to take that away?  Steve was tall and strong.  I miss those arms too.  So very much.

[kayc]

Both of your posts seem sacred, like a spell you don't want to break.  Beautiful love stories...

We didn't get the length of years but we missed nothing else, we had amazing passion, chemistry, connection, communication, we could relate to each other, we were indeed each other's best friend, soul mate, everything.  To say I miss him is a grand understatement.  It cannot be duplicated.

[Gin]

I was married 31 yrs. to my first husband before we were divorced.  I went to a group at the church for widowed and divorced.  I ended up getting married to another member.  Unfortunately, I did not listen to my friends.  Very unsettling time.  He then took his life a year later.   I met Al about 6 yrs. later.  He was the best ever.  We did everything with and for each other.   What a prize I got.  We were only married 15 years.  Beautiful years.  I still miss him so very much.   Gin

[Gwenivere]

Oh Gin, I had no idea you went thru so much before finding Al.  Investing so much of your life in one and having the experience of suicide.  You truly deserved Al and it seems criminal he was taken from you.  Really makes me rethink just how deep loss can be when we find the true love we did.

had to edit much spelling. My iPad decides to change what I type for some reason.  Makes it look like I was drinking. 

[kayc]

Gin, wow, that is a lot to go through.  I'm glad you finally got your prize.  I married a monster first time, beat & cheated on me constantly, he was nuts.  Barely escaped with my life. Then I married my kids' dad...married 23 years & he divorced me, married his trophy wife.  He'd been controlling and emotionally abusive to us.  Married George, the love of my life.  We were so lucky to meet each other as we were perfect together and loved each other completely.  Tried again, disaster, he was a con who never lived with me, used my credit for $57,000, which I'm still paying on.  I divorced him as fast as your head could spin once I realized what was going on, he was living with someone else twice while we were married.  

I too miss my George, I will never stop loving/missing him.  II'm just sorry others have had to go through these heartaches too.  Suicide is very hard on the survivors, you didn't deserve to have to go through that.  They say the third time's a charm, true for us, in some's case I think second time was!

[Margm]

I am sorry Gin.  Sorry Kay too.  We know there are jerks in this world and sometimes a lesson learned makes for very smart choices.  Billy and me, well, it was like he said, I was him and he was me.  He would not let me work, so I just waited for him every day.  I was still a teenager and he was only just out of his teens.  I cannot say either of us were the smartest people in the world, I just knew if he was gone at night, it was a black empty night.  Some times he would get angry at me and not speak for days.  Then, I'd get angry and tell him I was leaving and go sit on the steps.  This worked 4-5 times, but one time he did not come and ask forgiveness.  So, I got up, went inside, and never left again.  It became necessary for me to work.  Like he was afraid of, it did cause trouble.  We did separate six weeks after the kids were grown, I saw him every day, but being on my own was becoming a little easier and easier.  He came back one night, he had been drinking, he never drank.  I let him in and it never happened again.  After all those years, after the kids were out of the house (they never went far), we finally could talk, and we did a lot of talking and apologizing to each other.  Over the next 25-30 or so years, I cannot remember a single fuss.  We just grew up with our children.  I still talk to him.  

One thing I have to point out, my folks fussed constantly over Daddy spending too much.  Maybe it was a lesson learned.  Billy and I never fussed over money.  

[widow'15]

On 5/25/2020 at 8:45 PM, Gwenivere said:

All people are different.  Some thrive on romance and gentility.  I’m just throwing this out there to see how others might define their relationship if they want to.  I know everyone here’s loss is a huge as mine.  We’ve al been robbed of 'the one'.

Definitely agree with you Gwen about relationships thriving differently.  I met my husband on a blind date that did not go off very well at first.  It took a couple of years of our dating and the possibility of my returning to my home and family in New Orleans to make him realize he wanted me permanently in his life.  When I told Bob of my plans to return to New Orleans, he replied, "What about me?" I replied with something like, "I don't see a ring on my finger."  That got us to talking about what needed to be done next,  prompting a Christmas engagement and a wedding the following June.  In all fairness to him, he was focused on his college education and not on engagement rings.  Our marriage had the usual growing pains but in spite of those pains, it was a good marriage of almost 51 years, and I always knew he was my strength and I knew I was loved.  I was robbed of 'the one'. 

 

On 6/8/2020 at 8:25 AM, Gin said:

I met Al about 6 yrs. later.  He was the best ever.  We did everything with and for each other.   What a prize I got.  We were only married 15 years.  Beautiful years.  I still miss him so very much.   Gin

Gin:  So happy you had your beautiful 15 years with Al.  You so deserved that time, wished it could have been so much longer for you two.  Unfortunately, we will always miss those wonderful husbands that loved us so deeply. 

 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I too miss my George, I will never stop loving/missing him.  I'm just sorry others have had to go through these heartaches too.

kayc:  No way will we ever stop loving/missing our husbands.  It is just a way of living for now, finding a way to get through our daily lives without them physically here.

Hugs to all.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Dee, your story reminds me if an old song I can’t remember the title of, but had the line of no ring, no nothing.  I think many men (sorry guys, not you here but there are a lot of them) kinda coast in relationships until something jolts them into seeing their partner is the one.  Steve took off for a huge career but the separation of weeks at a time prompted his asking me to come be with him.  We didn’t marry til a year later, but I wasn’t expecting it anyway.  Thought the flame would burn out for him being a rambling guy.  We had 31 years which would be 36 now.  I’m glad you and Bob had so much time, tho it’s never enough.  That’s what sucks about life, it ends.  It surely ends for the one who passed, but it also ends in so many ways for the one left behind.  You had more than half your life with him like me.  Is it any wonder how impacting this is when they were always there and snatched away?  And Kay finally finding the one to lose him so quickly.  Gin too.  I feel for Ana not even getting to create those dreams they must had had.  And the crisises too.  All the things that bond people so tightly.  The price is high to give ourselves to that commitment.  We didn’t know it when it started,no one thinks of that.  Like getting a puppy, you don’t think of outliving it.  It’s just magical and perfect and then we conquer the differences as they come up emerging stronger together.  Now I conquer what I can, but it feels empty.  No one to high five with.😢

[kayc]

Dee that is a beautiful love story...over 50 years, wow.  George proposed to me by letter (that's how our relationship started), it was kind of like it just burst out of him and he couldn't wait a second longer!  I will never forget the moment I read that, my heart leaped!

I'm glad Gin got 15 years, seems I was married the shortest time before he died, man that sent me reeling, totally didn't see that coming!

Nope, no one to high five with, Gwen. 

 

[Margm]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I was married the shortest time before he died,

I don't think the amount of time mattered.  It was the amount of love you valued and carried.  If we didn't love, we didn't lose.  We had one woman on here a few years ago that lived in a southern country and she didn't stay long.  Her words of grief sounded more like a relief and she hit and run.  We did not hear from her but maybe once or twice.  You love, they love, we love.  And no matter how many years, if you love them enough, you want more.  Sometimes it takes more than once to find true love.  You have seen the big gorilla glue that seems to expand?  It holds no matter what..  Might not be the most beautiful, but you are absolutely where you need to be and nothing can pull you apart.  

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee that is a beautiful love story...over 50 years, wow.  George proposed to me by letter (that's how our relationship started), it was kind of like it just burst out of him and he couldn't wait a second longer!  I will never forget the moment I read that, my heart leaped!

kayc:  I guess I never thought of our "blind date" meeting to be a beautiful love story.   We used to laugh about how the love story began, actually.  My husband had a way of making me laugh at so many things in life.  In the beginning of our relationship, I think I was mostly attracted to his sense of humor and his love of being outdoors.  

I know you kept that letter George wrote asking you to marry him, right?   The cards and letters  Bob wrote me are tucked away, and I do try to read them, but I can't get through them yet.   

38 minutes ago, Marg M said:

And no matter how many years, if you love them enough, you want more. 

Marg:  So perfectly stated:  If only there could have been more years.......wanted more of what we had.

Hugs all, Dee

[KnVsMoM]

I met Shawn when I was a bus driver in our small city & picked him up from work. He had to go to several stops & I had to wait for him.
I was still grieving my broken marriage from almost a year before. I was extremely depressed over my husband leaving, so much so that I couldn't eat and lost 75 lbs in 3 months.
I can't put my finger on what it was about him that I felt comfortable talking to him. He was kind of brusque and a bit blunt, but for whatever reason, it didn't put me off. I found out he had come out of a broken relationship himself about 6 months before. We talked about all kinds of things and it came time for me to drop him at Wal Mart. When dispatch radioed later that he was ready, I volunteered to get him since I was close by and I wanted to see him once more. I took him home & he told me if I ever needed someone to talk to I know where he lived & he gave me his phone number. We talked on the phone, we visited, we hung out. Later on when he was visiting me at my home one evening, I was doubled over and sitting on the floor in extreme pain. He told me I was going to the ER, he loaded me into the car, and got me to the hospital.  My gallbladder was diseases from all the weight I lost so quick and it was fixing to burst. I had to have emergency surgery that night. Shawn wasn't a rich guy, but he actually called into his job and stayed by my side at the hospital the 4 days I was recovering, even though he really couldn't afford it. I think that's when I started falling in love with him.

We had our ups and downs, even split up a few times, but we always found a way to work things out. We were together almost 20 years and I lost him on the 26th of September. I am beyond devastated by his death.

[kayc]

@KnVsMoM That is beautiful, thank you for sharing that with us, I love to hear love stories.

[nashreed]

Well, it was the Fall of 1988 and I was 18. I met Annette at my first job, Taco Bell. She was a Shift Leader. She was pretty intimidating, but I was immediately attracted to her. She would HATE this comparison, but if I had to compare her to a celebrity so you could understand what she looked like, the closest would be Natalie from The Facts Of Life, but from the later seasons where she was cooler, not so nerdy. She was a hard, competitive worker. I, of course, was beyond geeky, and had absolutely no "game" or any hope of a chance with her. She actually called me out of the blue after a few weeks (she looked in my employee file for my phone number) in the guise of being concerned about my job performance and that she wanted to help me be better. She told me later that she thought of me as "mysterious", because I was so quiet and that she thought I could be her "guru", that had some answers to the "Big Questions"! How wrong she was! (She actually was never wrong about anything ever- except that) She had a lot of issues with her upbringing and her parents were divorcing, so she was kind of lost.

Our first date was at the local one screen theater here in Hemet, California (the movie was the documentary "John Lennon: Imagine") She didn't really have any interest, but she humored me. (She was into the Hair Bands of the day, and I was in a retro Beatles phase, because music kinda got crappy in the late 80's) Well, it ultimately turned out to be a disaster, mostly because I was so socially awkward that I didn't even hold her hand, let alone try to kiss her. We did go out and hung out together at her place a few more times, but ultimately I was just too weird and she didn't understand what was wrong with her, as to why I didn't kiss her. We ended up breaking up and it took about two years to woo her back. I have a letter she wrote me during this time and its pretty scathing- I was just too hangdog for her. 

I was still working there (I actually got adept at being the Drive Thru guy- i was fast. I wanted to get people the hell out quick), so she get another job. It was very awkward. We had mutual friends and she was living with them (they still worked at Taco Bell). I would go over there to "hang out" and try to be with her, anything to be around her. I was obsessed. I just couldn't stop thinking of her. I knew she was my soul mate. I had no interest in anybody else. I wasn't anybody's idea of a catch then, I was super skinny and the only sport I've ever really played is bowling. I was relentless, kind of a stalker. Through this time she had many disappointments and challenges (she even attempted suicide at one point). Through all this she actually started to see that i really cared about her. She called me for comfort when she had a bad nightmare. At the time it seemed like I kind of wore her down, and we started to go out and do things together (her other friends were flaking out on her and she could count on me). I know that she really saw that I cared for her and would always be there for her. 

Thanks for letting me share. It makes me sad to relive, but happy too. It's really funny how we find our soul mate. I did NOT want a job, but it was suggested that I try Taco Bell by my Aunt. I just have easily could have picked any of many fast food places and would never have met her. 

[razorclam]

My soul mate and I met through a big international work project. He was on the European team, so I only saw him once or twice a year. He was very bright and charismatic, but I was buried under juggling work, marriage and kids, so just as well that there was no spark. About 15 years after our first meeting, we learned that we had both spent parts of our childhood in the Middle East. Different countries, different cultures, but we bonded instantly over the experience of having dual Anglo-Mediterranean identities. From that point on we were personal friends, and made time for catching up at the conferences. Even so, by then we only saw each other every 2-3 years, and did not communicate in between. 2.5 years ago I got a rare email from him, telling me that he had been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I decided I would be there for him. How exactly, I had no idea. Did not ask myself how I could support someone terminally ill who was an ocean apart, who I had not seen in almost 3 years, and who in many ways I barely knew.  Earlier that year two other good friends had died, and I felt I had not been there for them. It seemed like I was being given a second chance to do the right thing. Our first emails were awkward, but he was very generous spirited and said how much he appreciated the contact.  I had overseas travel scheduled later that summer, so added a visit to his country.  It went well, but there was no emotional seismic shift. That happened after I returned home, when we found our stride in WhatsApp messaging.  Suddenly all we wanted to do was talk and talk, about everything. We generated nearly 1000 pages of written communication in his last 7 months. 

[kayc]

@razorclamHe was lucky to have you be there for him...as well as you were also blessed to have him in your life.  Such "connections" are rare and special and to be embraced.  I'm glad you had that, just as I feel so grateful for having that rare and special relationship I had in George. Living in absence of that has only caused even deeper appreciation, and I believe we always fully loved and appreciated each other.

[razorclam]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

@razorclamSuch "connections" are rare and special and to be embraced.  

 Yes, that was my thinking too, even though I knew exactly how this connection would end. I would do it all over again. As the recent Nobel laureate Louise Gluck wrote, “Why love what you will lose?/ There is nothing else to love”.

[kayc]

I would do it all over again too, no question!

[Gwenivere]

As always, I go back and forth.  That I know how wonderful and horrid he made my life, I wouldn’t change it. The horrid parts served a purpose too.  Tested us and we won, but wow, did they hurt and bring out the worst in us.  Some days I’d just like a pass on it all.  Just a break from the thoughts, sounds, yearning, emptiness.  A time to recharge to go back in to my gratitude I found the most remarkable person for me.  I honestly have to say I don’t always feel grateful or happy I had him when it wears me down to barely surviving it sometimes.  Just human nature wanting the pain to stop.  It took a long time to accept I felt that and it’s OK.  

Today is a perfect example as I had dreams that he was leaving me.  Breaking up.  I was devastated and pleading with him as to why.  He wouldn’t say.  He was like ice.  We were in our 20’s in this scenario where breaking up felt like death.  I saw myself in a mirror and couldn’t figure out why as I was attractive like back then, what he desired.  Had I not known him or that, I wouldn’t have lost yet more hours of sleep to emotional pain.   

So many want to connect with their partners.  Not this way they don’t.  If Steve were, he would laugh and tell me it was just a dream and how silly it is.  Just seeing his face as I did waking up would have told me too.  

 My whole day is colored now.  Fortunately I have counseling.   Grief sucks.  Can’t say that enough.