Can anyone relate?

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy

Having worked for DOs (Doctor of Osteopathy), I believe in this holistic approach and hope this works much better for you.

14 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Not sure who still reads my posts, but I’m sharing a brief update anyway.

I read all the posts here, the only time I miss them is when the website fails to display them but usually it's a delay and rare, so still not a miss.  I respond with either a comment or acknowledgement.

11 hours ago, scba said:

In the USA there are places with Yoga for Grief being taught by people with special training to support bereavers. 

Sounds greatt, they don't have it here in the country mountains, some things we miss out on that the cities offer.  

8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I’ll have to search and see if something like that is available in my city.

I hope you find something, if so, let us know how it goes!

[Boho-Soul]

Well, my estate lawyer emailed me a couple weeks ago to say the court finally granted probate. I received the certified copy in the mail last week, so now I can put my name on title for the 2nd property and his 2 cars. That will allow me to rent the 2nd property when the reno’s are done and sell the vehicles.

 I also called the ME office earlier this week, testing is done and I should get the full autopsy report next month. I requested a phone call from the medical examiner for them to tell and/or explain the cause of death as I don’t won’t to read it off a report as I may not even understand the medical terms. Feeling relieved the wait is over as it’s been over 1.5 years, but mostly feeling anxious because of what it will say. And there’s the possibility that it will be inconclusive with the cause being unknown, so that’ll be a hard thing to process.

[kayc]

I hope you get the answers you need.  How hard to wait 1 1/2 years for this!!!

I'm glad you finally get probate too.

We've been waiting YEARS on my daughter's "simple divorce."  It was finally signed off on, on my George's birthday, Tuesday.  She still needs him to pay her her share of the tax refund and sign off on the car titles so she can get rid of the junker taking her only parking spot. But we're happy it's finally final (held up by "Covid"), at least that's the court's excuse.

It makes me wonder if your situation was also "Covid" related as it seems the gov't just stopped doing a lot of their work then. 

[Boho-Soul]

I don’t know if Covid was the main reason regarding the wait on probate, perhaps it was a factor but I’m part of a widows group and most women mentioned theirs was completed in 4 months, with some as long as 8 months in the same time frame. Why mine took over a year is beyond me 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

The secondary autopsy was a waiting game due to the specialized testing that was required. At least that’s what I was told. Just want to get the medical report and complete the legal stuff - and maybe find some sense of closure so I can move forward.

I feel I’ve missed some life for the last year and a half. I just want to wrap up lose ends, heal and create a new life for myself. I don’t want time to go by, then look back and wonder what happened to the last 10 years.

[kayc]

My sister passed 3/28, in May a lawyer sent us all forms to sign and return (13 of us), once she gets them all back a four month wait begins before my brother can touch her bank account and take care of business.  That's probably the four months they're talking about but in actuality, it all takes time, it took time to get an appt. with a lawyer, time to figure out how to handle this (I was in shock the first five weeks)!  Time to get signatures back.  Time for four months to pass, then more time to contact and wait on all bill collectors to get their info in, get them paid, time for estate sale (we can't enter contract until Sept. at least) time to clean/list house, time to sell it, time to disburse to heirs, etc.  Nothing quick about any of this.  It's all hurry up and wait it seems.

I think it'd be a relief to have it all over with.  None of us siblings stand to inherit (her will was 27 years old) and she had no ducks in a row, no POA, no one on bank account, etc. we are just left grappling with the shock, aftermath...oh and all the work.

Nothing easy about any of this!  I am so sorry you had to wait so long!  Esp. for the autopsy.  I would say Covid lengthens everything involved with gov't...my daughter has been needing closure on her husband's leaving her emotionally, then physically (started when she was pregnant, worsened after miscarriage) 5 1/2 years ago!  They filed simple divorce, no property or children, nearly 2 1/2 years ago, the court sat on it for TWO YEARS and did NOTHING "because of Covid!"  What has Covid got to do with it!  I finally hired a paralegal to get the forms through, it's been more waiting but she got it done in two months!  Now waiting on written decree...

I am so glad you finally have this part done!

[Boho-Soul]

It’s crazy how the aftermath of many major life events (death, divorce, accident, home fire) comes with added red tape, paperwork and undue stress.

And yes, being in shock after a death, like you mentioned about your sister doesn’t help when dealing with the aftermath. I’ll be talking with a lawyer this summer and making clear arrangements regarding my will. I’m also in the process of clearing out anything I don’t love or use around the house so there won’t be extra ‘stuff’ to deal with. Death is hard enough, and I don’t want my kids to deal with unnecessary complications, which is why I’m going to have everything stated clearly in my will.

It's hard to hear about the circumstances around your daughter’s divorce. Seems like anything legal is just messy and comes with long wait times.

[kayc]

Yeah because they did nothing for two years, using Covid as an excuse to not do their jobs.  Meanwhile, grocery clerks, gas station attendants, auto mechanics, bankers, can't do the same, they all have to come to work!

[Mary Linda]

Kay c I was so sorry to see about your sister's passing,  I didn't reaize the age of a will affected things. I thought it was just the last copy.  Hope everything gets settled soon.

Are you still in the same house?

I think about the old gang on here often. I've been thinking about the lady from Greece (Tiny?) I wonder if she survived all the turmoil.

Mary Linda

[kayc]

I got excited when I saw your name, did you get locked out of your old profile?  The age of the will doesn't matter but if it's not kept up with things...she had my XH (divorced 22 years ago) as executor!  I never knew that and she never talked to us about it.

Yes, in the same place, growing old, just like my place.  The home has been kept up, new roofs on everything, but the back of my carport needs replaced, it's rotten, as is my shed (which needs dismantled) they quoted $2,500 then the pandemic hit while waiting for Spring and it went up to $20,000, 2 1/2 years later still can't afford that much!  Meanwhile, 11 hand injuries, loss of strength, continual pain, I can't clean it out and the guy said that's a must, what does one do w/o help!

I haven't heard from her, was wondering about her the other day.  Crazy world we live in.  I hope you're doing okay!

[MartyT]

12 hours ago, Mary Linda said:

I think about the old gang on here often. I've been thinking about the lady from Greece (Tiny?) I wonder if she survived all the turmoil.

Mary Linda, you're thinking of teny ~ our "friend from far away" ❤️

[Boho-Soul]

Last week I had to advocate for myself with my doctor, explaining why me going back to work in September is not feasible as I’m still working through my trauma and complicating factors around my husband’s death. Doctors just don’t get trauma and how it can manifest itself affecting you physically. He did agree after I shared more than I wanted to about my layered trauma, so that’s a yay. Possible return to work is now January. He requested a letter from my therapist. This is good because she understands my situation and she told me if needed she would write a letter to my doctor. Phew - such a relief.

Talked to the Medical Examiners office last Wednesday, apparently the testing is done and the report is being written. Given the pace of how this all unfolded I don’t expect to get that letter until August. I asked that the ME call me and go over cause if death as I may not know all the medical terms, hope that happens🤞Don’t know what will be harder to hear, that they finally found a cause of death after almost 20 months or that the cause could be unknown. Knowing that I’ll get the answer soon I experienced a physical reaction. Had a massage a few days ago and saw my functional neurology lady today, so I’m doing much better.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Last week I had to advocate for myself with my doctor, explaining why me going back to work in September is not feasible as I’m still working through my trauma and complicating factors around my husband’s death. Doctors just don’t get trauma

I feel like adding "or much of anything" as I have not had good luck with doctors during Covid or looking over my history with them...it seems they push pills and what they're taught isn't accurate, the more I learn, the less inclined I am to just accept what they say.  I have had to be my own advocate and stick to my guns!  I blindly did what they said all these years until I saw it didn't work, then realized it is up to me to educate myself and make the best decision for ME and we aren't all cookie cutters!  Unfortunately we have to deal with them as that's how our system works.  

I am so sorry you're still waiting on them.

[Boho-Soul]

19 minutes ago, kayc said:

...it seems they push pills and what they're taught isn't accurate, the more I learn, the less inclined I am to just accept what they say.  I have had to be my own advocate and stick to my guns!  I blindly did what they said all these years until I saw it didn't work, then realized it is up to me to educate myself and make the best decision for ME and we aren't all cookie cutters!

Yup, doctors are often pill pushers, they get that kick back from the drug companies so they’re at the ready with their prescription pad. One doctor said, “I can prescribe meds to speed things along,” how stupid is that 🙄 like a pill can heal loss. 
It’s awesome that you advocate and educate yourself. I do the same as well. You’re right, we’re not all from the same cookie cutter, most all the testing that has be done around disease, disorders, meds, clinical studies etc. have been done on men, so these male doctors treat us as such. Women represent differently than men in so many ways, and to treat our health concerns like we’re a man is disrespectful.

[kayc]

Absolutely!  I used to work for a doctor's office, they didn't get kick backs, but I can't speak for all, but we follow the $ trail  and it tells you a lot about the industry, the skewed studies drug companies fund and benefit from.  
Here's a prime example, a doctor who calls attention to and exposes this!
David Diamond- Demonization and Deception in Cholesterol Research - YouTube

[Boho-Soul]

I've been struggling as I wait for my husband's cause of death *sigh* For the love of God - it'll be 20 months in August!

I called the medical examiners office mid June, they said testing is done and they just have to write the report. "Should be done in about 14 days," they said. After 14 days passed and no response, I called them. They said the report is written, the ME just needs to review a few sections (whatever). I asked how long that would be and was told a couple of weeks (wtf?) They can write a report in 14 days, but it takes weeks to review it? Really? This was Mid July, and I asked, "So I'll hear from you by the end of the month?" They said, "Hopefully." Given the ongoing waiting game I'm now thinking it will be August, if I'm lucky.

It's bad enough dealing with my loss and walking this road I did not choose, but this extra fiasco has taken an extreme mental and physical toll on me. I have a hard time concentrating and staying focused, and I can't seem to get ahead of the intense muscle tension and accompanying pain. I'm so frustrated I can't even ...

It's been so hard to share the details of my situation because it's so unique I don't think anyone gets it. Who can really relate if they haven't been through this ridiculous waiting game? This whole thing is so f^cked up 

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry, Boho. I think we all can understand bureaucratic incompetence, medical malpractice and losing our loved one waaay too soon. 

Honestly, I couldn't tell you exactly how Annette passed. It was such a perfect (for lack of a better word) storm of all her maladies. When I found her, she had fallen out of her wheelchair, in a kneeling, downward position. She obviously had a severe low blood sugar episode, but why didn't she call me? If she tried to handle it herself, why did she choose to eat candy that was hard to chew and slow to act. I guess that she didn't think it was that bad, but with her kidney disease, she just couldn't control her Diabetes like she always had- and she was stubborn and took pride in her managing of it, even though she couldn't anymore. There was an actual cardiac arrest when the EMT's got her on her back. They couldn't find a vein (always a problem with her).... Everything went wrong. Yet the cause of death is listed as simply "complications of Type 1 Diabetes". Why didn't I wake up when she needed me? I usually always did. I'll never know the exact why's and it makes me so sad.

I really hope that you get the answers you need, but please don't blame yourself if you don't. Here's hoping for the best!

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are being put in the situation of waiting on bureaucracy!  It seems it's up to them how long they take and they don't care!

It seems beyond ridiculous that someone else's life is on hold, waiting, while they pour themselves another cup of coffee.  Yes, what indeed does take all this time!

[Boho-Soul]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm so sorry, Boho. I think we all can understand bureaucratic incompetence, medical malpractice and losing our loved one waaay too soon. 

I titled my thread "Can anyone relate?" because I wanted to know if I was alone in my scenario regarding unresolved issues after a sudden loss. And I didn't expect I'd be waiting so long for a cause of death, but the situation does tie into my thread title.

I don't think the delay is due to bureaucratic incompetence, it's quite possibly due to the added case load of autopsies due to covid, but who knows. What I do know is eventually I'll get an answer, because by law I have to.

It's super hard to work through this aspect of loss alone. I can't even explain my feeling of not knowing, doesn't matter, because it appears that nobody can relate. The lack of responses on this topic of not knowing and waiting tells me that.

[MartyT]

14 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I can't even explain my feeling of not knowing, doesn't matter, because it appears that nobody can relate. The lack of responses on this topic of not knowing and waiting tells me that.

My dear, I'm hoping this article, along with the related readings listed at the base, might assure you that you are not alone in how you are feeling: Traumatic Loss: Needing To Know The Details  ❤️

[V. R.]

Thank you Marty for this. I particularly related to the article "Sudden loss - 5 Ways it differs from expected loss". I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack, he was still young (57), fit and healthy. Just like I read in the article, my disbelief is still the same as it was the day he left this world, over 20 months ago, feelings of guilt, could I have done more, to prevent this? Will it ever become 'belief', i ask myself? That means that I really haven't started to grieve 'properly', I'm still stuck in denial. I surely wouldn't have been able to join this group earlier, I started searching for grief support on the internet, about a year after I'd lost my beloved. Until then I was completely numb, no words would come out of my mouth, completely dumb, as if I was in a 'trance'. Talking and listening to our friends here is now helping me to survive, but the trauma of losing him suddenly  still  controls my mind, causing sleeplessness, anxiety and so many other strong emotions that no words can describe, and that I never even thought could exist. 

Thank you again for creating this great  healing community. 

[MartyT]

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

Talking and listening to our friends here is now helping me to survive, but the trauma of losing him suddenly  still  controls my mind, causing sleeplessness, anxiety and so many other strong emotions that no words can describe, and that I never even thought could exist. 

It is gratifying to know that you're finding some measure of healing here, my dear ~ but you might also consider giving yourself the benefit of an in-person grief support group, or even a session or two with a qualified grief counselor who specializes in traumatic loss. 

Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

[Boho-Soul]

Well, I've hit the 21 month mark and I still don't have Michael's cause of death. Gonna be making a phone call next week, hopefully they can tell me when the report will be completed so I can move forward with some closure 🤞🏼

[kayc]

Wow, I cannot understand why it'd take so long.  Sounds like butt covering to me.

[Boho-Soul]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Wow, I cannot understand why it'd take so long.  Sounds like butt covering to me.

I think someone made a similar comment. I don't feel anyone is trying to cover up anything, that's not where my mind goes. My one neighbour's cousin works in homicide and she told me that if there's a suspicious death or homicide then those deaths automatically jump the cue, as autopsies and reports are need to be done in a timely manner in case it goes to court. That doesn't mean it's fair to a common person who then gets bumped down. Everything has slowed to a crawl due to the covid fiasco, my probate took a year and a half, and I just found out that the wait for my transfer of land from land titles is now a 3-4 month wait as they're so backed-logged.

I've made the mindful choice to not dwell on the ME report or anything else that's delayed. Why baste myself in the emotions of anger and frustration. It's so static and too easy to get rooted in that mental space. Plus, it doesn't align with my intention of returning to a healthy state of well-being.

[kayc]

So true!  I applaud you!