Christmas and Grief

[V. R.]

Hope everybody had a peaceful Christmas. 

Kayc, I really feel for you when you talk about your snow shoveling. Even though we usually only get about 20/30 cm of snow here, three or four times during the winter, I'll never forget our 1 metre high snow we had in February 2012. Oh, my, it lasted for more than a month and we were literally 'snowed in'. Water pipes frozen up for 4 days, 5/6 days without electricity, luckily we rely on firewood to keep warm. I really and truly hate snow, we haven't seen any yet this year, except up on the mountains surrounding us, but I'm sure the terrible 'white monster' (as I call it) will show up soon! We live in the country in an area where not even the local snow-plows come to clean up. I really should get my snow-boots out and start all the necessary preparations. 

Ana, I understand you completely when you talk about 'not knowing', 'being selfish', 'betraying Christmas spirit'. After the loss of my beloved, I started repeating to myself (and I still do) :"but I didn't know you were having a heart attack and neither did you, you said you had a stomach ache and felt nauseous, you asked me for a pain-killer, I didn't know you were leaving us...." I can still hear in my head the words of my 25yr-old son and 23yr-old daughter shouting in despair:"papà, papà...... Come on, you're joking aren't you?"

This year, yet again I didn't feel the  Christmas spirit, and I'm sorry for this, but I am angry, though I don't know who I'm angry at, now. I  told our parish priest (when he came round for the annual house blessings in the summer) that I was angry at God, that I'd asked God: "Why?" but had received no answer. Our priest told me it was a good thing to feel angry, I had the right to be, and that God would, in time, answer my question.... 

Hope you all keep well. 

Enza

[Kieron]

Five years ago we spent our last Christmas in an intensive care unit.  That Christmas Eve in 2016, he was awake and alert and feeling amazed that he had been given a second chance at life, after being taken off the respirator (mind you this was all pre-corona so the respirator meant something different then) following almost a month of being in a coma.  We didn't know it would be the last Christmas, either; he was going into a rehabilitation unit and it seemed like we had passed the worst and he would soon be home if he could manage the rehabilitation regimen and rebuild his strength. 

I have wondered at times if my spells of resentment or annoyance with all the endless rehab exercises, the issues and problems, etc contributed to the way things ended.  So many mistakes were made, so much miscommunication over care plans, his lack of communication, the ineptitude of the "professionals" who didn't know what they were doing, and my own ignorance of death and dying... I occasionally still engage in self-blame, but ultimately I came to recognize the truth in what Maya Angelou wrote:

"Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

I have to keep reminding myself of this.  it sticks around for awhile but then I forget and lapse back into self-blame.  I may never quite escape it.  😑

 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I figure a diety can take it.

He has broad shoulders, I'm sure He can handle it.  His brain is far more encompassing that ours, I don't even try to figure it out anymore.  I just figure I'll know someday on the other side, for now I have to trust His judgment.  I do not think He took George from me, that's not how I look at it, we have imperfect bodies and we know this lifetime isn't a place of fairness and justice...the next one will be.  But it's totally common for grievers to feel what you're feeling, it took me a while to work my way through this.  Rabbi Harold Kushner's book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" helped me a lot.

Gwen, could you call a neighbor to pick it up for you?  What a pain!  My sister's in the same boat, she can't pick things up off the floor.  I have to do a search of the house when I bring Kodie over as she's always dropping pills on the floor and then forgetting about them, it could be lethal for him!

You asked how I'm handling Kodie, well I can't let him into his fenced yard anymore after they shoveled the roof off as there's about 6 ft. of snow on the porch steps, too much for me to move and he'd fall in and never get out.  One of the hazards of a little dog. I have shoveled a path into the front yard where he can go potty, I take him out morning and evening.  In between I walk him down to Jazzy's to play for two play dates.  I used to take him on a long walk but it's treacherous now and I'm getting tons of exercise shoveling.  I prefer walking.  Yesterday the snowplow didn't come until 3 pm, but the mailman and newspaper carrier never came.  We'll see if the garbageman makes it tomorrow, I managed to get my garbage out to the street.  My driveway has not been dug out yet although I did a lot of it a couple of days ago, esp. at the bottom where it gets the deepest and the carport creates a shadow there.  Still in the 20s, day and night.  I shovel a wheelbarrow width path to the firewood, about 100 ft.  I have to keep that up, that's necessity.  I need groceries, doesn't look like I'll get them.  I hope I have enough dog food to last.  His kind is only at Costco, I used to be able to get it online but not anymore.  
I have meat and peanut butter so I reckon I won't starve.  I need eggs, almond milk, HWC, and bkg powder, for my baking.  Sigh, no one has offered to pick anything up for me yet.

38" snowfall so far and it just keeps coming.  I hope it slows down, so tired!  If the entire winter is like this with no breaks in between, I'm in trouble.

@TomPBWow, talk about a voice from the past!  So good to hear from you and especially your good news!  So happy for you both and I wish you many wonderful years ahead!

Dee, I'm sorry your son went through all that, I'm a little confused about the relations but it sounds like everyone is working it out with parenting plans...

 

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

I'd asked God: "Why?" but had received no answer.

I asked why for about a year, never did get an answer...figured I wouldn't have understood it, agreed with it or liked it so it didn't much matter what the why was.  It happened, I had to deal with it.  The toughest blow I've ever had.

I feel like I haven't had Christmas.  Don't want to take the tree down maybe because I felt bypassed, still waiting for it.  Didn't even see any Christmas specials listed except Hallmark, I got the last half of a Dolly Parton special and recorded it, but haven't had time to watch it.  I would have like to have seen the Grinch, Charlie Brown Christmas, White Christmas, but not even sure if they showed them on my channels.

The first time George died was right before Christmas, 12/19/04, we didn't realize it though until he was dying six months later, that he'd been gifted another six months, we had no idea.  That time had befuddled us until his heart surgeon explained it to us.  I would not have gone to my sisters reunion had I known he was going to die that weekend!  We have nothing to forgive ourselves, none of us know.  We all think we're going to get up and life will go on as usual...

 

[nashreed]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Five years ago we spent our last Christmas in an intensive care unit.  That Christmas Eve in 2016, he was awake and alert and feeling amazed that he had been given a second chance at life, after being taken off the respirator (mind you this was all pre-corona so the respirator meant something different then) following almost a month of being in a coma.  We didn't know it would be the last Christmas, either; he was going into a rehabilitation unit and it seemed like we had passed the worst and he would soon be home if he could manage the rehabilitation regimen and rebuild his strength. 

I have wondered at times if my spells of resentment or annoyance with all the endless rehab exercises, the issues and problems, etc contributed to the way things ended.  So many mistakes were made, so much miscommunication over care plans, his lack of communication, the ineptitude of the "professionals" who didn't know what they were doing, and my own ignorance of death and dying... I occasionally still engage in self-blame, but ultimately I came to recognize the truth in what Maya Angelou wrote:

"Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

I have to keep reminding myself of this.  it sticks around for awhile but then I forget and lapse back into self-blame.  I may never quite escape it.  😑

 

I still have incredible guilt about so many things that I could have done differently, better for Annette. Some days I can avoid thinking about the guilt and then it hits me like a freight train. 

One thing that haunts me is: She was supposed to be in rehab when she passed. She had been in the hospital for two weeks previous, and she almost died in the hospital (she told me nonchalantly). I am so angry that I couldn't go visit her in the hospital every day like I normally would have(thanks COVID), and I just couldn't talk to her doctor like I should have been able to. There are so many things I still don't know about that time because she was totally out of it half the time. When she was discharged, she immediately was sent to a rehab facility, but from what she told me, it wasn't a great one- at all. The food was terrible, grumpy staff... She told me that they didn't even have her insulin or a number of her other medications there. I don't know if she was exaggerating (again, I couldn't visit her!), but after about two days she demanded to be sent home, against her doctors orders. She was so incredibly weak and she needed to have people around 24/7 to help her, but she had her mind made up (no way I was going to change it). We thought that I could take better care of her at home as far as medications, but I couldn't be with her all the time because I was working nights. I'm sure she didn't want to be without me for an undetermined period of time, but I should have made her stay there. Things might have turned out differently. But maybe she knew that she didn't have long, and wanted to be home. She would never have been able to tell me (I would have freaked out beyond all freak outs)- I just wish I would have pressed her more about the hospital stay, but I was more concerned about taking care of her at home. So much guilt, so many questions.... In a way, even though she didn't have the virus, COVID indirectly contributed to her passing. 

[nashreed]

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Hello friends,

I haven't been here for some time but I'll never forget how you helped me in the two years or so after 3/31/17 when I was traumatized. This time of year I remember the trips to Susan's huge family in Richmond, the long drives, and the rituals we'd developed, like crab cakes - Susan was the head chef. The first two after she departed were horrible for me. I understand that pain and have the deepest sympathy for anyone going through it.

The miracle is that I have a new partner and we are in love. She is as unconventional as me and as different from Susan as is possible, except for having the same loving heart. She also lost a partner and we talk freely about Susan and Larry. I talk to Susan, silently, every morning and she doesn't mind - in fact we agree that Susan brought us together. I know this path is not for everyone. I was positive that I'd never have another partner - in fact I just wanted to die - but it just happened. I probably posted this here before, but Susan spoke to me through a psychic and said that she would always be with me but I needed flesh and blood, and she would send me a new soulmate. Sorry if that's too weird. Anyway, at least in this case, new love was possible when it had seemed impossible. If that gives anyone hope, great. 

I'll be retired as of next week, even tho I used to say they'd have to drag me out the door, so many changes ahead but it's good.

Love, TomPB

Tom- I haven't been on the Forum long enough to know your story, but I'm happy that you have found someone. It seems that widows are the only people who would understand what this grief journey does and could accept that your heart will always be with your lost spouse. At the same time, it seems there aren't nearly as many widows who would be interested in another relationship as men are. I remember my grandpa, who after my Mom's mother passed, remarried a widow within six months (he also had a whole senior mobile park full of choices it seemed, as he had to remarry again after his second wife passed). It makes me angry that I have this nagging feeling that I need to have a relationship. Why can't I just accept being alone?  It seems more likely to get struck by lightning than to find another partner in this day and age. It's amazing you were sent a new love.

I have wrestled with seeing a psychic for a year and a half. Somehow, my Catholic upbringing is preventing me from taking that leap. I only know one thing for sure- Annette is in Heaven. I don't know if she can visit me or hears me, though I talk to her daily anyway. It seems to me that contacting her through a psychic would be "wrong", like bothering her. Like not trusting the process. I would love to know more about what you learned from these visits, Tom. The prospect of Annette being able to intervene in earthly affairs is fascinating, but I am so conflicted that I would even want that. Isn't that betraying my marriage? It's all very confusing. I do know that I'm miserable and alone and the prospect of a future without anyone is scary. I wish all the members here could live in a community together so that we could all look after each other. It's not even about having a "love" relationship- it's about the horrible emptiness of not having someone who understands, to talk to and be there every day- the companionship. I dread having all this life left and no reason to be here. 

James

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

it's about the horrible emptiness of not having someone who understands, to talk to and be there every day- the companionship. I dread having all this life left and no reason to be here. 

I so feel that myself.  I wake up everyday snd my stomach just clenches knowing I’m on my own.   It even gets to me with the TV on in the background seeing people in relationships at work becoming close friends.  I’m so starved for that 24/7 closeness.  I have Dee, but she’s not here all the time.  I know wedding vows say til death do us part and that is true....physically.   I was raised catholic too, but don’t believe in religion.  I have no idea if Steve exists at all in any form.  Just what is in my brain and heart.  I wouldn’t see a psychic as I don’t believe in that either.  I don’t see life as a gift as I don’t enjoy it anymore.  I miss that unique love.  The one only he and I shared.  I know we all do.  It will never happen again.  Some have found another unique one.  I know I never will.  It’s living with that knowledge that is actually killing me.  It’s all so messed up inside.  Plus being stuck in this medical mess that requires a desire to push on that I don’t possess.  I don’t have any avenues to meet more people to at least fill some of this gaping void.  And the few people I do make me see how huge it is.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Plus being stuck in this medical mess that requires a desire to push on that I don’t possess.

I think this is a big part of what you're dealing with.  Life would be different for you if you could get out and do things, be around people, enjoy life!  That's something you're likely unable to imagine right now as little by little your life has shrunk to what it is.  When it ceases to be enjoyable and everything is a hardship/struggle/pain, that does something to our motivation.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t even know what motivation is anymore.  Barely crawled out of bed today.  You’re right, if I could get out and be around life it would make a huge difference.  I still had lost anything enjoyable, but could fend for myself.  Could at least come home to a furry face and someone to talk to.  The 4 months I’ve lost with Melody feel like forever when you are used to a companion.  In sync with you.  Being dependent is so lonely.  Waiting on others to have time for you.  How I miss having my partner to be missing and happy to be with me.  Thinking of more than myself but my family instead.  😓

[Ruby]

On 12/28/2021 at 9:07 AM, Kieron said:

it sticks around for awhile but then I forget and lapse back into self-blame.  I may never quite escape it.  😑

Seems you’ve made progress, even if that self-blame does keep wanting to rear its ugly head!

On 12/28/2021 at 11:17 AM, nashreed said:

So much guilt, so many questions.... 

No way to know how things might have been different if Annette had stayed in rehab; she was where she wanted to be, at home with you. 
 

I’m struggling with guilt, having made faulty decisions at the end of my husband’s life. On top of the grief, it’s tough. I feel I need to process what transpired, not to absolve myself, but to help clarify. I have a tablet and pen on the table waiting for me to start writing it out (can’t do it by just thinking, keep changing the topic to avoid the painful memories). This is hard. Maybe posting helps hold me accountable.

What does give me some hope for the eventual possibility of self-forgiveness is thinking about my husband. He was kind and gentle. He didn’t hold grudges and didn’t spend his time ruminating. Without a doubt, he’d be urging me to let this go and move on; I can hear the words he would use. 

Thanks for listening.
 

[kayc]

I hope you will watch the video and read these articles...

Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

[TomPB]

On 12/28/2021 at 2:40 PM, nashreed said:

Tom- I haven't been on the Forum long enough to know your story, but I'm happy that you have found someone. It seems that widows are the only people who would understand what this grief journey does and could accept that your heart will always be with your lost spouse. At the same time, it seems there aren't nearly as many widows who would be interested in another relationship as men are. I remember my grandpa, who after my Mom's mother passed, remarried a widow within six months (he also had a whole senior mobile park full of choices it seemed, as he had to remarry again after his second wife passed). It makes me angry that I have this nagging feeling that I need to have a relationship. Why can't I just accept being alone?  It seems more likely to get struck by lightning than to find another partner in this day and age. It's amazing you were sent a new love.

I have wrestled with seeing a psychic for a year and a half. Somehow, my Catholic upbringing is preventing me from taking that leap. I only know one thing for sure- Annette is in Heaven. I don't know if she can visit me or hears me, though I talk to her daily anyway. It seems to me that contacting her through a psychic would be "wrong", like bothering her. Like not trusting the process. I would love to know more about what you learned from these visits, Tom. The prospect of Annette being able to intervene in earthly affairs is fascinating, but I am so conflicted that I would even want that. Isn't that betraying my marriage? It's all very confusing. I do know that I'm miserable and alone and the prospect of a future without anyone is scary. I wish all the members here could live in a community together so that we could all look after each other. It's not even about having a "love" relationship- it's about the horrible emptiness of not having someone who understands, to talk to and be there every day- the companionship. I dread having all this life left and no reason to be here. 

James

James, thanks. I try to speak for myself. Everyone is different. For me, after 48 years in a soulmate relationship, being alone did not feel OK. OTOH, I thought there could never be anyone else but Susan, and that she would be with me in spirit. Very conflicting. Another thing is that Susan had taught me how to be loving, and my instinct was to use that. My therapist told me to try online dating, and I finally agreed. After a few dates it hit me that I'd rather be with my non-romantic neighborhood friend Carol than anyone I'd sen online, so I asked her if we might upgrade our relationship and that was what she had wanted all the time! 

This was after I had been a compete zombie for about 2 years. Susan died on 3/31/17. We didn't think she had any health problems, but she left in 5-10 minutes while she was in the bathroom and I was in the living room. After 48 yrs I didn't even get to say goodbye. We had left for vacation in the Islands 3/1/17 and she was going up the hills like a teenager. Leave for vacation 3/1, gone 3/31! All I wanted to do was die too. However,  did slowly come back to life. Everyone has a different trajectory. For me the PTSD lasted about 2 years. Everyone is different. The most important thing was sharing with others, especially others with grief. This forum was a big help. Isolation is poison.

RE the psychic, I didn't initially seek her out. I got an email from my sister who said she was seeing a psychic who said out of nowhere "your sister in law is here" and continued with an amazing message requiring knowledge that nobody but Susan would have. I was stunned. So, despite being a very skeptical scientist, I took it seriously, and had 2 sessions on my own. Losing Susan has opened me up to just about anything. I too was raised Catholic but I don't think about that much now.

Best wishes for finding the path that is right for you!

TomPB

[Ruby]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I hope you will watch the video and read these articles...

 

I read these articles, Kay - great information that I’ll refer back to as needed. Added a sample of a book that was referenced to my Kindle. (Read a little about the group that made the video - a branch of Buddhism that has put out lots of YouTube videos of a spiritual nature; quite interesting.) This guilt and grief. It is on me to do something about it, or not. I hope I can. Thanks for providing these useful tools.

Been hopping around with a walker the past 3 months due to a knee injury, so no walks, my favorite method for managing stress. This hasn’t helped my mood. Hopefully the arthroscopic procedure will take care of it. The dogs are also missing their outings. Though I guess we’re making it work; they’re not too unhappy being couch potatoes.

Kay, I hope the days of shoveling snow are coming to an end, and I wish there was some help for your hands.

[V. R.]

Yes, Kay, I agree with Ruby, I have read these articles, and they have really helped me to reflect, especially:"Grief and the burden of Guilt". So comforting to have something to go back to in those critical moments of the day when I feel I can't take anymore of this torment. 

Thank you

Enza

[kayc]

13 hours ago, TomPB said:

I asked her if we might upgrade our relationship and that was what she had wanted all the time! 

I love this!  Friendship is a wonderful basis for a relationship to grow from and I love that you didn't have to kiss a lot of frogs first! 

So happy for you!

[kayc]

8 hours ago, V. R. said:

Grief and the burden of Guilt

I love that one particularly.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Ruby said:

Read a little about the group that made the video - a branch of Buddhism that has put out lots of YouTube videos of a spiritual nature

I didn't realize that, Ted talks are quite popular and I've watched this one although it's been a while.

43" of snow in the last nine days, more coming.  I need to go out and shovel some more, back and hands aren't feeling it but I don't dare let it get the upper hand!  Essential that I be able to reach my firewood, even though I have plenty of the patio right now, I'm going through it continually.