Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

I am so homesick today. I long for any day that my spouse was here in it really even a not really good one. I miss our home. I miss the place. We truly loved it there. I would wake up have really great fresh bean coffee and get exercise clothes on and simply cross the street to walk our dog on the most wonderful trail while talking to my husband on Bluetooth while he was at work. I was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to complain about it because I never hardly had time for myself and now that's all I have. Everything now is total 180. I feel like I am in jail, miserable, alone, no one talks to me, there is no where to walk the dog, have to drive at least half hour closest small park, the place I am renting is a mold hole and they absolutely will not let me out of my lease. I want to go home but I am afraid. Fear is what is trapping me.

  • Like 4
  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. 

I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. 

It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. 

Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us. 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 2
  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, nashreed said:

haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's

I understand this feeling, for me it's just mentally, because luckily, I can still live in our home, hope to continue living here until my time comes. I am sorry for you that you had to go back to live in a place, which it seems by what you say, that you don't like now  at all. At least you are not alone though, even if I know, it's not the same. Nobody can be a substitute for the love you shared with your soulmate. 

My kids could eventually move out, for personal/work reasons, as they all normally do, but I don't think I ever will.  I do sometimes feel I've been suddenly tossed back in time, but with the mind and body of a 55 yr-old (I feel more like a 100 yr-old sometimes). I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

  • Like 3
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Sheemie said:

was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

  • Like 2
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Sheemie said:

I am so homesick today. I long for any day that my spouse was here in it really even a not really good one. I miss our home. I miss the place. We truly loved it there. I would wake up have really great fresh bean coffee and get exercise clothes on and simply cross the street to walk our dog on the most wonderful trail while talking to my husband on Bluetooth while he was at work. I was so busy all day helping my mother in law, helping neighbors, making food, taking care of everything. I used to complain about it because I never hardly had time for myself and now that's all I have. Everything now is total 180. I feel like I am in jail, miserable, alone, no one talks to me, there is no where to walk the dog, have to drive at least half hour closest small park, the place I am renting is a mold hole and they absolutely will not let me out of my lease. I want to go home but I am afraid. Fear is what is trapping me.

Another reason I've stuck it out here...thinking about my dog.  I am so sorry for where you are stuck at, I hope it changes as soon as your lease is up.  So important to have a place to take walks...to get away. :wub:

  • Like 1
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys are young enough to be my kids...I'm turning 70 in a couple of months and feeling it.  I was 52 when George died.  Time has a way of slipping up on us....turn around and it's gone.  Make the adjustments to your life while you still can!

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank u

I know that I keep wanting to go home and I know my husband made anywhere we were home. And I know that he is not going to be anywhere I go so I guess I never have home again. The last time I felt this alone was right before I met my husband 

  • Like 2
  • Sad 2
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/5/2022 at 2:34 PM, nashreed said:

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. 

I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. 

It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. 

Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been real hard week. I am almost at his death anniversary and I just wish I could feel normal, just one day, wake up and feel like me again. I lost my idk the word, strength I guess. Omg I hate where I live. My neighbors never come out of their hide holes. They actually complain that I go outside too often if u can believe that. My husband said live in the most beautiful place you have been and for me that's where we were. I feel too scared to go back there and show my face. Idk why and it is not like me to be afraid.

  • Like 3
  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so homesick, your story touched me. You hit a chord when you wrote those words above. I went through a long period, together with my darling husband, going backwards and forwards to my MIL's house (she lived alone,  20mins drive from us), caring  for her, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, official paperwork, getting her to have a shower, she was suffering from dementia, did not cooperate and  had become very verbally aggressive. We wanted   her to  move in with us (lots of space in our 3 storey house), would have been so much easier, for her and for us. She utterly refused, we tried once and we found her walking out of the gate, saying that she would returnhome, on foot, if it was necessary!! We were forced to drive her back home. 

We didn't have time for ourselves at all, the stress was unbearable, especially for my husband. I could see he felt guilty that I was having to do all this for her, being female (she didn't have daughters), it was obviously less embarrassing for my MIL, and more  natural, for me to bathe and clean her,when she became no longer self-sufficient. I always tried to reassure him not to worry, these things happen. I'll never forget his desperate  words one day: "I can't handle this any longer, she's killing me..", referring to his mother. Imagine, how I feel now. 

I also find myself in an opposite situation to how I was before , watching the hours go by, days that never end, nothing in particular to do. I could find lots to do, if I wanted, but they are just things that can wait, not really necessary,and to tell you the truth, in my depressive state, I can't be bothered anyway. What's the point? Isn't it strange that we even find ourselves missing what we used to complain about? 

Sending you comfort and strength. 

God bless you for all that help you gave

  • Like 2
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

Thank u

I know that I keep wanting to go home and I know my husband made anywhere we were home. And I know that he is not going to be anywhere I go so I guess I never have home again. The last time I felt this alone was right before I met my husband 

I know the feeling of wanting to go back to that home that doesn't exist anymore. I wonder who lives there now? I hope they feed the Cardinal couple that we had coming around. 

I know it's so hard to be right back where you were before you met your husband. It feels like it didn't happen. I have mementos, physical proof that my wife was real, but she only lives in photos, memories and in my heart. It's a lonely love. I have to remind myself that I am very, very lucky that I had the time with her I did. So many people never find their soulmate. My brother here has never had a relationship, like ever, other than what was more of an unrequited crush. He's blissfully unaware of how amazing love can be- and how devastating losing it is. 

Ultimately, I have to accept my sad, little life for what it is- look forward to the few small things I get enjoyment from, and know that my Annette is waiting for me in a better place. I have no choice but to keep muddling along. Please find the strength to get through this from our shared grief and from the knowledge you're not really alone. The people here are some of the luckiest people ever, because we experienced the most incredible love imaginable and that is still in your heart. We are being watched over by our own personal angels and we will be reunited. 

Please write and vent and we will read it and understand. Sometimes all we need is to be understood. Don't give up. 

  • Like 2
  • Like Copy 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, kayc said:

You guys are young enough to be my kids...I'm turning 70 in a couple of months and feeling it.  I was 52 when George died.  Time has a way of slipping up on us....turn around and it's gone.  Make the adjustments to your life while you still can!

Thanks for this encouraging response kayc. And yes, time does slip by. I can't speak for everyone here as we're all at different timelines in our journey to heal and move forward, but it's a refreshing reminder that we all have a choice to - as you say "make adjustments" to our lives. I'm doing all I can to improve my health, rebuild my sense of self and establish a new purpose in my life. And I know my Michael will be with me as I move forward with all my new life plans. 

Found this quote from the site 'empowered through grief' and wanted to share. "We don't move on. We move forward. We don get over it. We integrate it as part of who we become. We don't get back to 'normal'. We are forever altered by loss as we were by love."

My hope and prayer is that everyone here can find the healing they need to move forward, in whatever capacity that works for them.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

I understand how you feel. I too felt that I would forget all I have ever learned. Two years after his passing a time in which I didn't work, I decided to take a language exam just to have a certificate that would say: you can still think and learn something. I don't have clear memories of dialogues but I know that I have never had the deep conversations I shared with him. Ever again. I have had to learn to live with that lacking. All against my will.

"We integrate it as part of who we become". Someone posted below. 

Very true. Reaching integration is hard, lonely and painful. I cannot sugar coat that for any of you. 

what is left?

You know the answer. It is You.  Incomplete? Heartbroken? Never the same? Unfair? Yes. But it is still You. And only you can take responsibility for caring for what is left. 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

"We don't move on. We move forward. We don get over it. We integrate it as part of who we become. We don't get back to 'normal'. We are forever altered by loss as we were by love."

So true!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, scba said:

You know the answer. It is You.  Incomplete? Heartbroken? Never the same? Unfair? Yes. But it is still You. And only you can take responsibility for caring for what is left. 

This.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...