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Long Term Grief....and Hello from New member


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Hello all, new kid on the block here as of yesterday. I found this forum via a recent Google search on how to deal with the anniversary of a loved one's passing date. It's been 18 years but every year is still a struggle. I've read up on anniversary triggers and manage to get thru it. I am feeling better today. Whew....the intensity still amazes me.

I am looking forward to participating on the site. I've been reading a lot of the posts already. 

J

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Hello to you, and welcome!

It's hard to make a mistake here, my friend. We're a pretty tolerant bunch. You can read our guidelines here: About Grief Healing Discussion Groups

38 minutes ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

I've read up on anniversary triggers and manage to get thru it.

You might find these helpful: 

 
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thanks :)

Each of the 4 links at the end of your reply took me to a blog creation site, which got confusing fast, so I closed them before I got to somewhere I didn't want to be. The first link for "our guidelines" was fine and displayed the content without any sign in or blog creation requirement. I'll try finding the topics in a separate Google search.

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35 minutes ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

Hello all, new kid on the block here as of yesterday. I found this forum via a recent Google search on how to deal with the anniversary of a loved one's passing date. It's been 18 years but every year is still a struggle. I've read up on anniversary triggers and manage to get thru it. I am feeling better today. Whew....the intensity still amazes me.

I am looking forward to participating on the site. I've been reading a lot of the posts already. 

J

Hello, and I'm sorry to have to say "Welcome". None of us want to be here, but we all feel better for being here. It's a community where there's support and great respect for each other. It really is marvelous and the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. There are days where there's nobody around (but me, it feels like), but it always picks up. You'll find regular veterans and they're all very helpful and caring. 

I really, really have to know what 18 years feels like. I'm at 2 years, 4 months and I feel like giving up every freakin' day. I can't see a future and just do one day at a time, but to be 18 years without your soulmate.... I have to know your secret. I don't want to make that milestone, but in the event I find myself there....

I hope you are well and will continue to post here. We love to hear new stories. 

James

 

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Hello James and thanks for the Welcome. Very much appreciated. 

18 years feels like an eternity. No way to sugar coat it. Some days are very intense....anniversary type days, holidays, out of the blue trigger days....

I have no magic recipe for coping. I have sought out and done 1:1 counseling as well as reading all sorts of grief related articles online over the years. There are no BandAids. You just have to dig deep and carry on as best as possible. 

October is the roughest time for me....my husband and Mom's passing dates both occur. Somehow I get thru it. Finding this forum will be very helpful, I think. 

J

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1 hour ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

Hello James and thanks for the Welcome. Very much appreciated. 

18 years feels like an eternity. No way to sugar coat it. Some days are very intense....anniversary type days, holidays, out of the blue trigger days....

I have no magic recipe for coping. I have sought out and done 1:1 counseling as well as reading all sorts of grief related articles online over the years. There are no BandAids. You just have to dig deep and carry on as best as possible. 

October is the roughest time for me....my husband and Mom's passing dates both occur. Somehow I get thru it. Finding this forum will be very helpful, I think. 

J

December is a trigger month for me (both our birthdays and wedding anniversary). If we can just help as get through as best as possible by helping each other, talking with each other, and showing that we have so much in common, then that's the best we can hope for. Just to have something to look forward to, if nothing else than a "Hi" from a friend. The simplest things mean everything when you have no one in "real life". 

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Agreed also. All of our special days fall in the holidays.  Death gave me another one.  He died just days from Halloween dragging them out longer as our wedding anniversary is end of January.  So the most wonderful time of the year of holidays and our birthdays changed completely.  What used to be magical has become months to bear.  Watching so many others  feel the delight they once were.  I hear about it and see it.  I’m housebound, but the TV drowns you in it too.  I miss all our rituals and being a family with our furry kids.  Altho he would be missing,, having close family must help.  Thanksgiving was our favorite, the leas commercial.  Then New Year to start another addition to our love.  I used to wish his leaving was another time of year, but better to get them all over with.the pain is there anyway.

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Gwenivere....very well said.

The months of the year and whatever significant days they include for any of us, now become triggers for grief to occur or return. For myself,  I have decided to ignore any sort of holidays anymore. Just too painful...

I go very low key and just do the absolute minimum or do nothing. No pressure is a good thing.

Everyone is different. I have no family or social support anymore, so I have to do what's best as a solo.

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I hope you can find some social support here. It's hard to get the motivation to do anything after your reason for living is gone. I feel like a worthless layabout 98.7% of the time. It just doesn't seem worth the effort to "do good" or be productive, especially when your family doesn't appreciate it or even say thank you. 

I'm more than happy to forget about Halloween. Hasn't meant a thing in decades. Keep the lights off on that night, and the little snot burglars pass you by (but I still have to hear them....grrr) 

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Welcome, we're glad you found us. :)   For me it's been just over 5 years.  The grief waves are far less intense and less frequent but yes, they do still sneak up and swamp when least expected.

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16 hours ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

What a lot of people don't understand about those who have suffered great loss....is that the simplest forms of communication can make all of the difference in the world. 

For sure!  I'll be coming up on 18 years Father's Day June 19.  I've found one day turns into another, and one year into another, until the years have passed...it seems to have flown by until I look at what I've survived over the years.  My grandson (5) was here this weekend and looked at a picture of George and I up on the wall and asked who it was...I told him and he said "That was before your face got bumps!"  My son quickly clarified...(wrinkles).  LOL yes, esp. this year...turning 70 this week.

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12 hours ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

I have no family or social support anymore, so I have to do what's best as a solo.

I have very little contact with my kids & siblings, the sister I was close to died this year.  My son is three hours away and last winter I was snowed in so couldn't drive there.  I think no one calling or checking in on me is one of the hardest parts of this.  I'm sorry you experience that as well.  Well you have us now! ;)  We check in pretty much every day...

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15 hours ago, Kieron said:

Welcome, we're glad you found us. :)   For me it's been just over 5 years.  The grief waves are far less intense and less frequent but yes, they do still sneak up and swamp when least expected.

Thank you for the Welcome. 

Yes, swamp is very apropos for the effect. Ouch...

 

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

For sure!  I'll be coming up on 18 years Father's Day June 19.  I've found one day turns into another, and one year into another, until the years have passed...it seems to have flown by until I look at what I've survived over the years.  My grandson (5) was here this weekend and looked at a picture of George and I up on the wall and asked who it was...I told him and he said "That was before your face got bumps!"  My son quickly clarified...(wrinkles).  LOL yes, esp. this year...turning 70 this week.

I just got thru #18 on Oct 2nd. I'm 64. Still difficult to do but here we are. 

Happy upcoming Birthday 

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Yup, you got i.  It took me awhile to do it and sometimes it just doesn’t work with my tablet.  It’s very handy when answering posts that are further back so others know the reference.  If you can get in right away (like this) you don’t need it.  
 

Yes, Happy upcoming Birthday, Kay!  🥳

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22 hours ago, FreebirdNY1958 said:

I just got thru #18 on Oct 2nd. I'm 64. Still difficult to do but here we are. 

Happy upcoming Birthday 

Thank you!  I wish the "anniversaries of death" were easier, never have figured out a good way to do them, just get through them is all.  I'm always alone going through it.  It'd help to have someone else mention a word about him, once in a great while someone does, but not often.

 

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Yes, Happy upcoming Birthday, Kay!  🥳

Thanks, Gwen!

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No one mentions Steve either anymore.  It makes me sad, but I have to remind myself it has been 8 years for them and their lives were to even close to changed like mine. Theirs went on fully with their partners as they should.  Plus they may not want to chance upsetting me.  I wouldn’t know what to say if positions were reversed.  Fortunately people do listen the very rare times I bring him up.  It does create a changed relationship.

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On 10/3/2022 at 5:52 PM, FreebirdNY1958 said:

Hello all, new kid on the block here as of yesterday. I found this forum via a recent Google search on how to deal with the anniversary of a loved one's passing date. It's been 18 years but every year is still a struggle. I've read up on anniversary triggers and manage to get thru it. I am feeling better today. Whew....the intensity still amazes me.

I am looking forward to participating on the site. I've been reading a lot of the posts already. 

J

Hi @FreebirdNY1958, I haven't greeted you yet, so I just wanted to say  how much I feel for you. I know it's particularly difficult when anniversaries and special occasions  arrive. August was painful for me, both our birthdays and wedding anniversary. Next month will mark two years since the one and only love of my life was suddenly torn away from me. Although it feels like yesterday, as my mind is lost in time, for me every day is that day, I'm not moving forward at all. I relive those moments constantly and everything we did that morning, afternoon, what we had for lunch, what we were wearing, what the weather was like, what my son and daughter were doing, what we had done during  the previous days, where we had been. Those images are so vivid in my mind, I can visualise them so well that they overshadow everything that's going around me now, making this life I have now  seem unreal, as if I'm actually dead too, and I'm just hovering in this thick fog, wandering around like a non-person (can't find a better word!). For example, I may be having a conversation with someone, when suddenly my mind just drifts away, lose concentration, start thinking about my husband, no longer listening or understanding what that person is saying to me. Simply because every single thing is a trigger. Even if it's something silly like my mum going on about what she's preparing for her Sunday lunch. I immediately fall into a depressive state and think about those special dishes I cooked that my husband loved and that I haven't been able to do anymore. I can't. It isn't fair that he can't be here to join us. Can't watch the news anymore, too many triggers,  we would usually comment together, have to avoid certain places and especially certain shops. The only solace I have is pouring my heart out to you all here, reading your stories,  and knowing you are the only ones who can understand and empathize. I  relate to all of you, sharing our thoughts  helps me get by and keeps my sanity at bay.  

 

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I relate completely.

I feel like a different person, not who I was with Annette. It's the same world, but it's a different, sad life. I remember my old life, like a dream, and the memories are fading. My happy memories trigger sadness in this world. I hate that everything good I remember triggers a sad reaction in this world, the one I'm stuck in now. I hate seeing people walking around, with their families. The only people I like are widows and widowers- my people- and I don't even know any in real life. But seeing people at the store out and around makes me angry. That's why I could never work with the public again. So many triggers....

18 years is so commendable. I don't think I could make it that long. I really hope I don't have to. This is too hard. 

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