My Father Died And I Feel Guilty

[Rayon]

My father died on August 21, 2006 which was his birthday. I feel so guilty, because I never told him how much I loved him when he was alive. I never thanked him for all he did for me and my family. He could be difficult & bad-tempered at times, but I knew he always loved us & would do anything for us. I told him many mean things throughout the years, and was unkind to him at times. Although in his last months we got along better, and he even gave me away at my wedding in February.

He died of cancer, and never told anyone how much pain he was in, because he didn't want to worry us even more. So he was never provided with morphine until two days before he died. Please pray for me, and my family. And please tell your parent's how much you love them when they are alive. You'll be thankful for it at the end.

Edited August 26, 2006 by Rayon

[amanda]

hi rayon,

I am so sorry for your loss.I totally agree that people should tell there parents how they feel and appriciate them.

i have lost both of my parents so its to late for me to do that now but i think guilt is something that most people feel when they lose a loved one.Its is a normal part of greiving,I bet your dad knew you loved him and he was lucky to have that love ,he sounds like he was a very good dad.

Dont beat yourself up over the past,we all say things we dont mean from time to time.

I didnt have the perfect relationship with my mum but it doesnt mean that you dont miss them or that the love you feel is any less.

Its early days for you,take one day at a time or even moment by moment,

this site is a great place and there are loads or great people on here it does help.

welcome to the site and keep posting.

loads of love

amanda

[Roswell]

First and foremost hello, and sorry for your loss! I agree...so much more could've been said or stated. NOT having the opportunity to

say good-bye is what makes it so difficult. Lost my Father when I was quite young, 8 years old. Gave me a firm appreciation for my

Mother struggling with 5 children to tend to.

Although I'm 2000 miles away from my Mother, I either call or write her daily. I somehow get the impression she likes my letters,

more than my call's.

I'm currently living vicariously through her, and if something should happen to her???? That's another novel, as I can't imagine life without her.

Either way, regardless...may God grant you the strength to carry on. Best wishes to you, and sincerest regards.

Kindly, William

[STARKISS]

Hi Rayon,

I just read your post and my dad died the same way so I just had to answer your post.I know that you are feeling very guilty right now and it is mainly because you did not tell your father how much you loved him.. I felt the same way when my dad died and it took along time to not think that way.. I know that my dad knew that I loved him and your dad knew you loved him as well.. Just because you may not have said it he could tell through your actions... I will pray for you that God gives you the strength to care on... Take care Shelley

[Rayon]

Thank you for your kind words William. I'm sure your mother appreciates hearing from you daily.

Thank you Shelley, everything is so raw right now. Especially the guilt. With time, I hope that heals.

Edited August 26, 2006 by Rayon

[Rayon]

Thank you for your kind words Amanda. The grief is just too deep right now. God Bless you.

[KathyD]

Rayon,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed in March and this site has been the only place where others understand the depth of grief emotions, all of which I'd never experienced before and am still experiencing. I think that your father knew you loved him...we tend to think of all the negative things we've said or done but they're past actions and love outweighs everything else. The fact that he didn't want you to know the pain he was in to me indicates that because he was aware of your love he didn't want to see you in pain either. My Dad died of cancer too and also wasn't put on morphine until two days before he died...he always tried to put up a good front even when I could see he was suffering (OK, starting to cry). Neither of us was very expressive about how we felt but we both knew that we loved each other will all our hearts. Words aren't always necessary. I agree that we should tell our loved ones how we feel about them but if it didn't happen in time it doesn't mean they didn't know.

Take care,

Kathy

[Rayon]

Kathy,

Thank you for your kind words and I'm also sorry for your loss. I too feel lucky to have found this site today with people like us who know the raw pain of losing someone special whether it happened today or years ago. (also crying).

My father also tried to put up a good front and kept saying he was not in pain, although his eyes said something else. But I did hold his hand the day he died and told him I loved him (although I don't know if he could hear me anymore).

The pain of losing a parent is knowing that no one will ever love you unconditionally like they did or put up with our crap. I have a great husband now who loves me, but it's just not the same.

[lorikelly]

hi

i lost my mom on july 3 2006 and it does hurt so much. i think you are right it is so raw, like a wound that is open and oozing , so painful. i have alot of guilt about my mom. we had a different kind of relationship and i was her caregiver for 18 mos. my mom could be difficult and i would tell her and get mad at her. i realize now that i was tired and so scared. i also know that i could of done things differently and now i can't change that. i wish i could go back but i can't i can only pray that she know how much i love her. the last thing she could mouth to me (lost the ability to speak) was i love you to. the guilt will eat you up from the inside so pls try to work on it , i am not saying it is easy.. i take one day at a time and read alot. i have to believe that my mom can see and hear me now and knows how much i love her and how sorry i am for being tired, angry and scared. pls keep coming back this site has been my saving grace. these people are wonderful and i truly believe that it has helped me when i have been at my lowest. take one day at a time . lori

[Leann]

Hi, Rayon....

I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad on Father's Day this year, so I empathize with your feelings. Even though my Dad and I were really close, there are some things I feel guilty about and would have done quite differently if I had them to do over again. I also feel sooooo guilty for not being with my Dad when he died; I was enroute home for Father's Day However, I don't think any relationship is ever perfect.....we're human beings with all our faults and foibles. It's a good thing we have a powerful thing called forgiveness. I continue to tell my Dad on a daily basis that I love him.

I'm so glad you found this site. This is the one place I feel there are people who truly understand what I'm feeling. We're all here for you.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

[shell]

Rayon,

Welcome to the site. As Amanda said, we all feel guilt after someone dies. I used to get mad at my dad too and say mean things sometimes. For awhile I fixated on this and it was really getting to me. But I finally realized, and this may sound harsh, that people push your buttons and sometimes make you react in a negative way. It's not entirely our fault, it's just normal human relationships! I took care of my dad before he died, and I know he knew that I loved him and I told him so all the time. And I know he loved me too. I know your dad did too. Don't beat yourself up over past history. I'm so sorry for your loss.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Jester]

Rayon:

During grieving, what we are going through is all about our loss, so at first when we think of the person who left, we usually think of this person as the person who died, and all our thoughts concentrate on this, the last days, how he or she looked, how much weight they lost, etc. I am told, I am no expert, or a counselor or anything, that with time, when we learn to live with this loss, we let go of many things, including those awful last memories, and we start remembering them as they used to be, younger, stronger, happier, etc.

You are probably only remembering the things that make this grieving harder, for example, the mean things you might have said. But I am sure you also have good memories, the fact that he gave you away on your wedding tells me so many things. I wouldn't let just anyone give me away, and if you asked him, that must've been so special to him, and if you did not, then the fact that you allowed him to partake in this special way tells me how much you loved him, and he probably picked that up.

I truly believe once a person leaves this world, they get a better perspective of things, because they look at things from another angle, and I am sure he knows exactly how you are feeling.

Sometimes when we grieve we sink so deep in our sorrow, we miss many things, some of those very valuable lessons. The lesson in this case is tell people you care for them when you have the time. I think it is not too late to start. That goes for all of us.

[Rayon]

Lorikelly,

The guilt is definitely eating me from the inside out. I am trying to work on it, although I'm hoping it will get better in time. My father also lost the ability to speak, and I want to believe he did hear me when I told him I loved him the day he died. Love, Rayon

Leann,

I'm also sorry for your loss. I'm sure you'll remember your father every Father's Day, just like I will remember my father on his birthday. Well every day, but especially on those days. I also tell my father I love him, especially at night when I go to sleep, and it does bring a little bit of comfort. Thank you for your kind words.

Love, Rayon

Hi Shell,

Yes parent's can sometimes push your buttons also. Unfortunately sometimes we think they're going to live forever. Thank you for your kinds words, they were very helpful Love, Rayon

Jester,

When my father first died there were no words of comfort. It actually got on my nerves when people said he was "in a better place". I thought that no one actually knew that for sure. But as the days go by and I speak to my pastor, I am beginning to believe like you that my father does know how I feel and the great remorse & guilt that I feel for not treating him better when he was alive. I do believe he is looking at things from another angle. Sometimes I doubt, but it brings me comfort, especially speaking to people who have gone through what we're going through. Thank you.

Love, Rayon

Edited August 27, 2006 by Rayon

[amanda]

hi rayon,

Ive been told that your hearing is the last thing to go when we pass,so i am sure your dad heard you tell him you love him,its the doubt that we are left with that eats us up.

I always thought my parents would live forever even threw any illness they had,but here i am at 36 with no parents left,but they live on in our hearts and minds,that hurts to begin with but slowly the good memories over take the bad.

i know everyone says time heals,in a way it does,you are in the very early raw stages of hurt and grief,try to hang in there.

my heart goes out to you at this awful time.

loads of love

amanda

[Rayon]

Yes Amanda,

We seem to think that our parent's are going to live forever, and sometimes we take them for granted. I am about your age, but I feel as lost as a 6- year old without my father. But you're right, they live in our hearts and minds.

[amanda]

hi rayon,

Isnt it strange how we are capable of doing anything as adults then all of a sudden our lives are turned upside down and inside out,we feel as if we are children all over again without the ability to cope with life and all the mess it throws at us.

One day you will regain some control in your life but for now let yourself have the time to do what ever you want to,i made the big mistake of not allowing myself to grieve,putting on a brave face ,being strong for the family but with the help of this site and the people on here ive begun to let go,its hard but it does make you stronger and life more bearable without your loved ones.

loads of love

amanda

[STARKISS]

Dear Rayon,

Yes, It does get better in time... I feel better each day that I wake up too. I do miss my parents but I have learned to live with it better... Take care Shelley

[shell]

I am so glad to hear others say they feel like children! I just turned 53, have been married twice, gone through some amazing and tough things in life, like everyone does, and yet sometimes I feel like I'm 5! And I'm afraid that when I lose my mom I will just totally fall apart! I wish I felt more like an adult who could handle things better! It's frightening and frustrating! But it does make me feel better to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Hugs,

Shell

[amanda]

hi shell,

yes you most probably will fall apart in the normal sence of grief,but we will all be here for you, as you have been for us.

take care my friend

loads of love

amanda

[Rayon]

Shelley,

As always thank you for your kind words.

Love, Rayon.

Amanda,

It's been a week since my dad died and it seems like some people want me to "just get over it". I went to dinner with my husband and a group of his friends, and they were all laughing and talking about everything but my dad. Except for a few condolences, it was life as usual for them. I know it's not their dad, but it just bugged me, that no one asked much about my dad.

Love, Rayon.

Edited August 29, 2006 by Rayon

[STARKISS]

Dear Rayon,

You are very welcome and here's to the both of us and all of us who are suffering Peace and happiness.. God Bless You Shelley

[shell]

Amanda,

Thanks so much. You have no idea how much I rely on the posters on this board to keep me sane!

Loads of love to you too,

Shell

Rayon,

There is another post (I wish I could remember which one) where we are talking about just the thing you mentioned. How people act like nothing happened and expect you to too. I'll find the post and let you know...I think you'd find it interesting.

Hugs,

Shell

Rayon,

It's in Behaviors in Bereavement and is titled "Why Some People Find It Easier Than Others".

Shell

Well, it's official! I couldn't even remember the title for a few seconds! I have officially lost my mind!

It's titled "Why Some People Feel Better Than Others"!

[Rayon]

Thanks Shell,

I just read it, and it's right on the money. Also crying a lot helps a little. Yesterday, I remembered something really cruel I said to my dad a year ago, and I cried and cried for like 1 hour, my husband thought I was having a nervous breakdown, but I felt better later on.

[KathyD]

I think that Ann was right to say that people with tender hearts or who are sensitive have a harder time with the grieving process. If you're capable of giving your entire heart to someone or if you have a significant bond with your loved one the loss hurts much more. My Dad was my life coping with his loss is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But a lot of people just can't form strong bonds with others or don't have the same emotional attachment. While the loss might affect them it won't hit them as hardly.

For the record Rayon, crying is a good thing! If you lock up your emotions they'll come out in other ways. Crying does relieve stress and is therapeutic even though it may not seem that way to some. You're not having a nervous breakdown, you're reacting to your grief and it's normal.

Take care,

Kathy

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Again, I just want to say a great big thank you. I know now that I am not going insane and what I am feeling is normal... I do not know what I would have done without this site.... I probably would have gone insane.... To everyone here I send the biggest hug I can and wish all of you peace and God Bless You All Take Care Shelley