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Lonely Saturday Night


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Ditto...I was working on our basement today with a friend. Jeff and I were in the middle of finishing it when he died. (10.75mths ago) I have been avoiding it because it was hard and with an infant, who has time. Anyway....I was remembering all our plans for it. The parties where all our friends kids could play in the new playroom and comfy chairs and a big tv to hang out. I don't even care anymore.

Missing my Jeff....doing anything on any night...

Thoughts out to you Walt!

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WaltC,

Thanks for the message and the song. I feel as alone tonight as the words of this song. I know what you are feeling. What a lonley road we travel on this greif voyage. Thank God for this site and people like you.

Love,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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The all alone, the lonliness, that is the worst part, missing them so much and feeling that the world is moving along doing its own thing and you are no longer a part of that world. Just don't feel like I fit in anymore, those people out there in the world are happy going about their business and I am in this grief place. Its been almost 2 years now for me Oct 20, 2004, thats the day my world ended. Without all the caring people on this site I don't think I would have made it without going crazy. Only people who have experienced this type of grief can relate. Others feel bad for you for awhile and then it Lets get on with out life. Easy for them to do, not so easy for us.

Thank you all for being there, WaltC, John, Kay C, and all the rest.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

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All alone am I...I can't believe how much all of you echo my sentiments. I haven't been able to post to this site for this last week, I went on a job interview, came in second out of 150, not bad but I'm still without a job. It seems no one likes my resume so my son and I spent all day on it last Thursday and I was feeling really good about it and the girl from the unemployment office tore it to pieces! My son said not to worry about her, it doesn't have to fit her little format. She disorganized it, spelled my name wrong, made grammatical errors, and worse! So I decided to ignore her, she won't get me a job anyway. I've been working really hard on that. I know what you all mean about feeling alone. People suggest to me that I try here or there for a job, but they don't pay enough for me to live on...I didn't get a big life insurance policy and I don't have a husband's paycheck to fall back on like other women in the world...I have to do it myself. But that leaves me feeling really alone. And then Monday I was driving back from Portland (at least three hours away from here) and my car started making a screeching high pitched noise. It made me really nervous. I realized I don't have anybody to call anymore, and I had my dog with me...I didn't know what to do. It's times like that I get scared. But then when I finally did arrive home, there's nobody here to greet me. I hate this being alone. I never asked for it, I was always the married type, how did I end up single? I was a good wife...why doesn't this happen to the bad ones instead of me? There's a lot of people in the world that are unhappily married, why couldn't they be the ones instead of us who loved our spouses? Nothing makes any sense and it all seems so wrong! This wasn't in the plans!

Edited by kayc
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Dear Kaye,

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. i will pray that a job will open up for you. it must be hard to be married so long and then not have them. i ran into someone the other day whose father had passed 7 mos ago and she is still terrible. But anyway her parents were married for 64 yrs her mom is 82 her dad was 83. she said when her dad died at home in the hospital bed (he had hospice) that her mom told them not to call anyone until she was ready. she got into bed with him and hugged him and kissed and stayed there for 1 hr. she then said oh Harry why did you have to leave me, you never left me in 64 yrs. it broke my heart to hear that story. to be left alone after all those yrs.

i lost my mom on 7/3/06 that is why i am here. but everyday i make a point of making sure my husband know how much i love him. i always did this before but i think i am really now more thankful. he is a wonderful man.

i am so sorry for all of you and only wish it could be different. i will pray that God will give us a little more strength everyday so we can get through this.

before i forget Kaye try looking into AAA for the car we have it and it is not expensive at all and then if something happens you have someone to help. just a thought. lori

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KayC, dont' feel alone about the part of no life insurance and less income. The day Larry died our income drastically changed and I have been scrambling ever since. Isn't it strange how at the lowest point in your life, losing the one you loved most in this world... that you are thrust into making up income in the blink of an eye because bills won't wait, and having to find new friendships and support because the ones you had (before he died) are no longer there. I will never understand this, no matter how much I read or how many times my hospice counselor goes over it, I will never understand. And right now all my energy goes to missing and surviving without Larry. This feels insurmountable. Deborah

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Deborah,

Yeah, I don't get people's attitudes. Before I got laid off, my boss didn't have money to pay all of the payroll so he paid Phil (who is married and his wife works) and he paid Holly (who has a live in boyfriend who works) but not me...who is on my own and still has all the same bills to pay as I did before George died...minus his commuting expense and food. People think I should be able to survive on $9.00 hour when the commute will cost me $310.00 month in gas alone and I have to pay for my mortgage payment, homeowners insurance, property taxes, medical insurance, vehicle insurance, phone, utilities, food if there's anything left not to mention when the car breaks down or I need new tires...and there's just me to do it! It doesn't seem right that a person should get hit with more when they're down...some people tell me now that I should have filed bankruptcy instead of paying the hospital...but I've always paid my bills all of my life and been on time with them...I don't know how to be another way. But I'm getting very nervous. I have another interview Monday, I can't say as I want to work for a CPA and I don't know what they pay but I'm not ruling out anything, I'm desperate. And why is it that everyone ditches you when your husband dies, anyway? I don't get it. Like I wasn't their friend too? I just wonder how they'll feel when they go through it.

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Kaye

I think you really find out who your friends are in times like this. i already have notice a difference. they think b/c my mom was 79 and sick i should just be over it. well quess what i am not and that is ok. wait til it hits them b/c death does not escape anyone. i will be praying for you to get that job. lori

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