I Don't Know What To Do

[spunkye]

Hi everyone - I just joined this forum last night, and already feel less 'alone', My husband died a little over three weeks ago and as time goes by I'm feeling worse instead of better. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere...and I don't know if that is total self-indulgance and will get worse by feeding it or if I should force myself to get up and out.

We were together 24/7 and I never believed I could miss anyone so much...I'm feeling angry that he 'left me' and I just want him back. This pain sometimes feel unbearable.

My friends want me to come visit them - its about a 4 hour drive and I have a very supportive group of friends there, whereas in this town I know one person - and she's out of town right now. My mom and sister want me to come and visit them - they're about two hours away - and my girlfriend wants me to go to Hawaii with her in November...and I just sit, sit, sit and mourn, mourn, mourn. This is the most painful and awful time of my life. If anyone has any ideas or can relate, please let me know.

Thank you, Benita

[dpodesta]

Benita,

I am so sad for your loss, I was the same with my wife, we went almost everywhere together for 11 years. The feeling will tend to get worse before they get better, you are still in the begining of your grief journey. At the begining you count weeks after about 2 months you will start to go by months instead of weeks. The first few months will be a roller coaster of emotions. I handeled it a liittle differently, I conuln't sit still otherwise I would get overwhelmed thinking about her being gone, so I worked around the house until I made myself sick from being worn out. I do recommed however that you do get up and go to your friends or relatives even if you don't feel like it, take the trip get away for a little while. The different souroundings will help getting through this. It will be difficult especiaally since you are used to going with your husband, but that will get easier as well. All of this will help occupy your mind with other thoughts and you won't dwell on your loss. This isn't running away from your emotions, it will help ease them so your won't feel so overwhelmed. You will dbe in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming to this site and reading and posting, there are a lot of wonderful caring people on this site who want to help you as this site has helped so many of us.

[Roswell]

Hard to follow Derek,

Welcome to the site, though it really pains me to find yet another new member. We are all fully aware of what you're going through. We can't

repair the pain, but if you allow us...we can alleviate some.

First and foremost don't run, and remove yourself from your support

group. They're only attempting to help, and unsure how.

I did what you're doing, cut off all ties, shut off the telephone,

moved 2000 mile away to hide. It follows you!

If you can afford to, take the time out and visit your friends and family.

Once you make certain choices, there's no looking back!

Just something to think about! Yes...I've been there.

I too am sorry for your loss, I hope you find the peace and comfort

that you're seeking here. Many, many fine people reside here.

Warm regards, and best wishes,

William

[Brooke]

I am so sorry for your recent loss, I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you to make the suffering any less painful, but I can tell you what has seemed to have helped me. I lost my spouse 2 1/2 months ago and I was left to raise our young son on my own, recently I have found a trusting babysitter which allows me to go out and enjoy things that I have never done. I am creating new experiences whether that be going out for drinks, golfing, boating and quading, at first it was hard and I felt guilty doing these this without Trevor, but I have made these new experiences things I probably would have never done with some great friends, and we all have become so much closer. I know Trevor would have wanted it this way, I am trying to enjoy life just the way he had when he was here with us all.

My prayers are with you in your time of need.

Brooke

[chrissy777]

Benita,

Welcome and I am sorry for your loss. I agree that getting out and doing things helps. It kept me very occupied in the first 2 months to go and just drop in on friends and family.. As time goes by being alone in your home doesnt feel as bad. I mean I would really rather have mu husband here with me more than I could ever explain but the lonliness has gotten a little better with time. I too was with my husband all the time and when we had to be apart we called each other non stop. It helps to talk with others who know how you feel.. It is still early and so new at 3 weeks and it will get worse. It gets bad when you really have to tell yourself he is not coming home that realization was horrible it felt like someone was punching me in the stomach when I thought of it. Like I said it does get easier with time but you still have bad days but eventually you will have good days too. Come back and talk and vent it really does help. Take care

[kellymarie]

Benita, I remember thinking that the first few days would be the worst and if I could survive them then it would get better. Unfortunately, it seems, that is does get worse. So I think what you mentioned is completely "normal." Once the shock wears off, it did seem worse for me. As for driving to visit friends and family, I, at about 4 months or so, decided to make a trip to visit family. I was SO SO scared to spend those hours alone in my car. And it was scary. I was so scared I packed my car up with photo albums of my Josh, filled the CD player with our CDs, and cried about half of the drive. But spending time with my family was really good. And after making it there and back, I was very proud of myself for overcoming this hurdle. So if you can muster the courage to make the trip to visit, I think it may be a good idea. I'm sorry you had to find us all but we are all here for you on your journey. Hugs, Kelly

[ustwo]

Benita, my heart aches knowing your pain. I wish I could tell you that this pain will ease quickly but it will not. As Kelly said it only intensified once the shock wore off for me. It has been nearly 16 months that I have been traveling with this grief. Time does change the pain. At first it's an open wound then the healing will begin but I've learned the healing will always leave a scar.

I sat alone the first 3 months after Gene left. 3 months that I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone...only went out for bare essentials and only early mornings when few people were around...and only when I absolutely had to like when my little dog needed food. I could have cared less about myself or the world outside. Nothing mattered anymore. My children respected my wishes (they all live away from me) and told me to do what I wanted to do whatever I needed to and if that meant sitting in the dark crying it was ok. I was emotionally paralized the first three months. I could not make a decision about anything from moment to moment. At 4 months they began gently to encourage me to get in my car and visit them. I gathered up my courage and made the first 4 hour leg of a trip to my oldest daughter. It was so hard and I had to pull off the road a couple times to dry my tears so I could see the road. The second leg of the trip was another 6 hours away and then back home...9 1/2 hrs straight. For me I guess it was the first thing I did to prove to myself that I COULD. It didn't mean I wanted to but I realized I needed to wrap my arms around those children/grandchildren so we could all cry as long as we needed to. And they needed to know that I would still be there and they would not loose another parent. I am getting better at making decisions but it still is an effort.

Everything you do now will take a lot of effort. But only do what you feel you can and when you feel you have the strength. Be gentle with youself. When you find you need strenght beyond yourself come here and you will find many who will walk with you. I wish none of us were on this journey but I am grateful for all those who help as the traveling goes on.

Benita, we all know your pain...we are always here for you...for each other.

Moments of peace for everyone.

Always Gene!

Always!

[BarbaraM]

Benita <hugs>:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband 3 1/2 weeks ago. It was very sudden - he died within 6 hours of being admitted to the hospital. I'm also "angry" that he left me, but realize that his physical body just couldn't hold on any longer. He will have a military funeral next Friday - Sept 29th which would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. The funeral director just brought his remains home to me yesterday. That was hard.

The lonliness is overwhelming and the pain is unbearable at times. The tears flow uncontrollably but there are also one or two smiles when I think of the wonderful life we had together. Yes, I feel cheated because this wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. We had just moved to a new home in a new town the beginning of July. We knew no one here. I work from home so it was great - we were together all the time as well. He couldn't work, he was legally blind. So I now live alone with our 2 dogs in a house that is still being renovated to what we had wanted.

You have come to the right place. It's so very important to talk about your feelings and get them out. Each of my 2 daughters comes to visit every other weekend. They live 90 miles away and work full time so that's the only time they can come. Having loving family and caring friends around you at this time makes a world of difference. I encourage you to go visit your family and friends. The other night I met a lady online <a host in one of the chat rooms> who lives 15 minutes from me and lost her husband as well. We are going to meet for coffee this coming week. It will force me to get out of the house and help me realize that I can resume my life without my husband.

Do you have a local grief support group where you live? I am fortunate that I do - through the Hospice - and will attend their next meeting.

Stress and grief is exhausting - both mentally and physically. Take care of yourself.

Strength to us all.

Barb

[spunkye]

Thank you everybody for your kind, warm, loving and welcoming words. I cant tell you what a difference it made in my heart to read your replies.

Amazingly, after posting, the next morning I packed a small bag and drove to my mom and sister's, about 2-3 hours away. I felt sick (physically) most of the time I was there, but it was so good to do that. My mom lost her husband (my stepfather) about 11 years ago and she was so sweet and understanding...and my sister was too...but possib ly one of the most important aspects of the trip was "shopping therapy" and having lunch out with them.

I'm still not ready to take the longer trip to Oxnard (4-ish hours away) to visit my friends, and i'm still not sure ab out the trip to Hawaii, but I do feel b etter today. When I asked my mom how long it took her to start feeling better she said "six years" - but then she added she believed it took her so long because for the first year her friends kept her so busy she didn't really grieve...she thinks that what I'm feeling and doing will actually help me get through it better.

Some of you said it does get worse before it gets better and I know that's true...I sure don't want it to get worse than it has been the past week or two - but I must be prepared for that and now I know I can use this group for support. Thank you!!

I have a lot to be grateful for - we had a really wonderful, fun, and loving marriage for 9 years - he was always there for me - very compassionate, very kind, very caring...and some people never have that! I'm also very grateful for my incredible daughter - with whom I'm living - and who is such a sweetheart and so understanding (she lost her husband about 3 years ago, unexpectedly - I'm going to refer her to this site). I'm grateful for a warm and comfortable home to live in and I'm grateful for my dog and kitty..and my daughter's two dogs. They keep me busy.

I also thought the other day that I can, from time to time, be grateful that he didn't linger on in pain and discomfort. The last three years of his life he was really slowing down and particularly the last year, his activities got less and less and he was just feeling worse and worse - and he always had a good attitude about it! He had some good days, but he had a lot of bad days. The last few months were really bad as far as his being bed-ridden, not being able to do anything or go anywhere and oftentimes not thinking clearly...but he was not in pain, although he was in discomfort....I know he wasn't happy living that way, although he never really verbalized it - now he's free and can do what he likes, when he likes, and be happy - I DO believe in heaven!

I haven't had a memorial service for him - and I don't know when or where or if I'm going to - but I do have to order a headstone for his ashes to be buried at our local cemetery. I want to have inscribed - in addition to his name and dates, "I said a prayer, and God sent you!"

Thanks for letting me ramble and thank you all for being there!!!

Love, Benita

[chrissy777]

Benita,

I am glad you had a good trip.. It is nice to hear the wonderful things you have in your life. Sometimes when you have so much pain you forget about the fact that you have a roof over your head, food, friends and family and so many other blessings. Take care of yourself and God bless

[dpodesta]

Benita,

I am glad youu took the advice and drove to your family's house. I am sure it was good for you. Give it time and you will be ready to make the 4 hour drive some other time, only when you are ready. I am glad you had a safe trip and hope the following days will be a little easier for you. God bless you.

[kayc]

Benita,

I am sorry you are going through this. Everyone's grief journey is a little different and we all handle it differently, but there are some things in common that we share...that we miss them, that it is the hardest thing we'll ever go through, and that the adjustments are very difficult. You will experience all kinds of emotions in the upcoming months...sometimes you'll feel you're doing okay, and sometimes you'll feel you haven't gotten anywhere at all...and however you feel is normal and to be expected. It is a three steps forward, two steps backwards sort of thing. I'd have to say it is not good to spend too much time alone, try to get out if at all possible. We have a lot of time that we spend in our grieving and it is good to have a change of surroundings and something else to occupy our time, even if only for a little while. It'd be nice if we'd never have to think again, but unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. My husband and I were together all of the time on weekends...we worked opposite shifts during the week but he'd call me when he got up, when he went to work, and always called me on his breaks...even though he got teased about it from the guys at work, he didn't care. That change in routine is very difficult...anything that you can plan to perk up your day or your week, something to look forward to, being with family or friends, is good. Please keep coming on line, it has been a lifesaver to us, it really helps to have people here who know what you're going through and care. We want to be here for you.

[dpodesta]

Kay,

You don't hear of that too often, Karen and I were the same way other than we worked the same shift. But I would always call her or e-mail her. I was a big adjustment when I returned to work, waiting for an E-mail from her that will never come. I saved all of her e-mails that she sent the past couple of months including her very last one where she reminded mee to turn my "Out of Office" on in Outlook, before we went on vacation. I still open it from time to time just to hear in my mind her voice.