Need To Hear Something Positive

[kayc]

We've all experienced "friends" who have abandoned us, people who should know better but don't seem to, saying stupid things. Has anyone been the recipient of anything positive from people that they care to share? How about something current or recent, not just in the first week or so after the death?

[kellymarie]

Kay, Josh's mom has been absolutely wonderful throughout this whole grief process. Today is 7 months since Josh died. Either she calls me or I call her about once a week. If I get busy, she will call just to say hi and check on me. She's the sweetest thing; I've adopted her as my second mom! I am so happy that we have developed such a good relationship. Love, Kelly

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

My boss that I had before I relocated was absolutely fantastic she prepared meals for me and continue to support me all the way through both of my parent's deaths since they were so close together... Take care All and God Bless Shelley

[Dusky]

KayC,

I think I have something to share with you that have been one of the more positive events that have occurred in my life since jack died 14 months ago – and it just happened within the last two weeks. I have had what I consider to be a very difficult time with jacks Son – Tom – who literally pulled up his family and left where jack and I lived within 10 months of jacks death. I have had a very difficult time dealing with what I considered to be abandonment by Jacks Son. I knew he loved his Father and me for that matter – but our relationship has been strained by what I saw as his running from his Fathers death – and me. I have finally been able to open up a genuine line of communication with him. Finally through some email communications he is expressing himself and the correspondence that unfolded recently has warmed my heart. It has always been my desire to ensure that he and Jacks Granddaughters remember Jack. The e-mail exchanges that you are about to read are an example of what can happen when people close to the person who has died can openly talk about what that person meant to them. Following are the e-mail exchanges just as they unfolded – a wonderful example of something positive happening now 14 months after I lost Jack – and Tom lost his Father. Here they are – they start with an email from Jacks Daughter-in-law to me - and slowly develops into a heart filled exchange between just Tom and Myself. Here is the positive experience you sought to hear about:

______________________________________________________________________________

John,

Both Tom & I think you would enjoy theses pics. We both feel Mia loves the clock you guys gave to Madison more than Madison ever did at this age! I know that is hard to believe, but she crawls or walks to the wall where the clock is and tells us to start it again! Hopefully, you can see how happy the clock really makes her.

Enjoy,

Karrin

______________________________________________________________________________

Tom and Karrin,

These pictures were delightful - Mia has certainly grown and appears to be totally enthralled with the clock. I still remember how thrilled and excited Jack was when we were in the process of buying that clock for Madison. He always wanted her to have all those extra little gifts - that would probably be considered "frills" - but were so important to him. I can still recall that one of Jacks first reactions to his deadly cancer was his saying "I wanted so much to be here to watch Madison grow up - and now I won't". They had just told him he had 6-8 weeks to live without an operation and 12 - 18 months with an operation. His words still greatly affect my own desires - to in some way "see" what he never will - on his behalf. How ironic - that even had he lived he still would not have actually been able to "see" his grandchildren grow - but only hear their lives unfold. I know I should be grateful for the 27 wonderful years I had with your Father - but sometimes the pain of knowing what he is missing is almost too unbearable for me to imagine. It's the missed future that most greatly affects my recovery from his death.

I look at these pictures and see pieces of your Father - in those eyes and those hands and those arms and that nose and smile - and I'm speaking of You Tom - and then I see the same reflections in Mia - what a beautiful duplication. I was "Your Fathers eyes" for 10 months when he was dying - and now that he is gone I still find myself trying to "see for him" - and try to "imagine his joy" at what these pictures reflect. If you look close enough into my eyes - someday you will see your Fathers joyful eyes reflected back at you - in all that I am trying to absorb through pictures such as these. Your distance makes this more difficult for me - but not impossible - thanks to all this wonderful technology and the Internet. Keep the pictures coming - they do in fact help me heal.

Remind them often - of the wonderful person that he was.

Miss you.

Love,

John

______________________________________________________________________________

John,

Mia loves the clock so much It’s just amazing. Madison loved to but Mia just takes it to another level. She points at it all the time. When it chimes on the hour she does her little dance. She will come up to you and point to the clock like let’s go make it play.

It’s one of those things we were talking about the other day. It’s something to remember the both of you by without having to say a word. Madison knows who got that for her and she gets joy out of watching Mia play with the clock she got from her papas.

Love

Tom

______________________________________________________________________________

Tom,

You made me cry - in a good way - and for many reasons. I can't tell you how much I miss your Father.

Love,

John

______________________________________________________________________________

John,

It just sucks. It’s one of those things where you can afford to have basically anything you want but the things you really want money can’t buy or bring back.

It makes you treasure the little things that were purchased or handed down that put a time or reference point with a memory. Like the clock that was Christmas Eve at your hours. Something you really don’t appreciate as much until a catastrophic event happens in everybody’s life. To see the joy in his face Christmas Eve when he was talking about the clock and explaining the engraving on the back. Then you realize how special that clock is.

Love

Tom

______________________________________________________________________________

Tom,

Yes - it sure does suck. And I wish I were more able to live my life the way your Father lived his - that "in the moment" flare - he had. Somehow I think he would have been able to come to terms with my death and move forward a little easier - he adjusted so well to change - something I have always struggled with.

It warms my heart to hear about how Madison remembers her Papa Jack - and how the potential is there for Mia to begin to know him through what is now shared with her. The best gift you could ever give me - will be for you to recall that Christmas Eve (and the clock) and your Fathers description of the Clock and it’s engraving - to your children as they grow. These type of intangible gifts are the only ones my heart desires. So many stories of his life - and the special character that he was - exist in our minds and hearts - and I hope some day to hear many of these stories about him - from their lips.

Thank you Tom - this is the first time - in a long time - where I have a very hopeful feeling that your Father will truly live again - through Madison, Mia and you.

I see you remember the "joy on his Face" as well. For many of my days it is this type of remembrance "his smiling face" that allows me to make it through the day. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to learn to enjoy life the way he did - so easily - so simply - so honestly - so ever present - so adequately defined by the "joy on his face".

Did you know that he told one of his customers sometime during the last two weeks of his working - He said to her - "You know I'm 99.9 percent happy with my life." I'm not sure what they were talking about - but for any one to make that type of comment - and to be that happy with their life is a truly amazing statement. How many people do you know that can label such a high percentage of happiness to their life? Personally I know of none. He was the most remarkable person I have ever known. I not only loved him - but I admired him in many many ways. The biggest compliment someone can pay me - is when he or she tells me that they see a piece of your Father in me. I am honored to know that sometimes I reflect - who he was. We grew together in many ways and like any couple you begin to take on pieces of the other. Some day I hope I can say I am 99.9 percent happy with my life (as he did) - a daunting task without his physical presence.

I miss him - and I miss you too.

Love you,

Keep smiling - your "Fathers smile".

John

______________________________________________________________________________

John,

I didn’t know about the 99.9% happiness in is life. All the high maintenance kidding I gave him was just a miss understanding of the simplicity that he loved. When you think about it, he had everything to be happy about and it was quite simple and down to earth. A business which he loved, his Cadillac, and most importantly friends and family to share his life with, he wasn’t one who needed to go out on the town or take a trip around the world, just a little at home time and he was completely happy. To think about all the teasing I gave him regarding the couple days at home after a vacation, I guess the at home days is what made him 99.9% happy.

It’s just too bad you really don’t take the time to analyze why people do what they did until it’s too late. I remember saying lets all go to Disneyland and it would go in one ear and out the other, but now I realize he was happier with all of us sitting by the pool and eating popcorn.

It’s kind of simple and not high maintenance at all.

Interesting

Love

Tom

______________________________________________________________________________

Tom,

Much more simple - and much less high maintenance than we all realized.

Despite the fact that I would kid him about being like Dolly - with that "Dolly Finger" - your Father was so much more like your Grandfather - a fact I wish I had expressed to him much more. I don't have to go too far to analyze why people do what they do until its too late as grief has a way of becoming its own self- analysis - and I have done a lot of that. Thank God he had a few faults of his own - which when remembered allows me to more gently forgive my self for my own shortcomings and times when I was not so sweet. I imagine it's the human condition to live most of our lives with "blinders on" - failing to recognize the simplicity of "some pool side conversation and a bag of popcorn".

Simple - and certainly not high maintenance. Your Grandfather exhibited some of these same fine qualities - You have before you the essence of life lived out miraculously well by two fine individuals in your live. If you remember correctly it was the core of the Eulogy to your Father which addressed mostly the "Good Man he was" - and - "Living in the Moment" - and - "Love" - exemplified quite simply - by sitting by the pool and eating popcorn.

Your Father appeared to be a very complex man - but at closer observation - he was in reality a simple man - with a crystal clear agenda - and he possessed the key to a happy life in how simply he really lead that life. You learn a lot - from what you failed to see. But I guess the important thing is - that you eventually see it. We search and search for happiness in life - and yet he knew just where to find it and how to get there - and without a struggle. I guess the old saying is true "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line". How simple. How very "popcorn" of him.

How funny that the meaning of life would be so simple - and that it would not be fully recognized until the messenger can't be seen or heard.

Your Father left us all a most powerful message - I hope I am man enough to follow it - I hope you are too. What a legacy has been placed at our doorstep.

Love you Tom.

John

______________________________________________________________________________

This is the warmest – most current and recently positive experience to touch my life since Jack as died. I hope it warms your heart half as much as mine has been warmed.

My love to you all

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[spunkye]

Dear Dusky,

Thank you so much for sharing that "love" with us - those emails are very heartwarming and touching...Jack sounds like a wonderful man and you sound like a very special and sensitive and caring man as well. It's a gift to be able to hear and share in loving remembrances - such as you shared.

I'm so glad you and his son are communicating - it does bring peace to the heart.

Love, Benita

[AnnC]

I flew to Atlanta to go to my ex-husband's funeral, even though I didn't know a soul -- he and I had had a phone/email relationship in the last years of his life. I was embraced by his friends and his boyfriend, and over the nearly 2 1/2 years since, we have remained friends and a supportive email grief group. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without their support -- his best friend and his boyfriend have become my very dear friends, and their love and support have meant the world to me. We feel that he bequeathed us to each other, for support after he was gone.

Ann

[MartyT]

Dear John,

As I read the lovely e-mail exchange between Jack's son Tom and yourself, I couldn't help but put myself in Tom's place, thinking what it would be like to receive such messages from one who knew and loved my father as fully as you knew and loved Tom's dad. I hope Tom realizes how blessed he is to have as fine as man as you are in his life, and in the lives of his daughters, too. You are a rare and precious gem, dear John, and I wish my father could have had a man like you in his life to love him so completely. I only hope that I honor my father's memory the way that you continue to honor your beloved Jack's. You are an inspiration to us all.

[kayc]

Thank you, guys, for your postings. I enjoyed hearing each and every one, and John, I am so glad you and your stepson are communicating and reminiscing your shared love for Jack. I hear from George's daughter once in a great while and really appreciate it when I do.

The ones who have been there for me since George died are my sisters and you guys, and John, George's friend that I am now seeing. He was going through the end of a long relationship and a lot of adjustments in his life when I was going through my own, and we have bolstered and encouraged each other through it all. My sisters have listened and haven't been afraid to talk about George, them and my mom really loved him, and so does John. John never had the problems George had, but he knew and loved him as is and that has been a great help to me. I think sometimes we need to focus on the positives instead of just the negatives...people say some doozie things but I know they mean well and most of them just haven't been through it and haven't a clue what it's like.

[chrissy777]

Well right after Jason died his mother wasnt being very helpful to me. I understood that she had a big loss as well but she was very demanding and dwelled alot on herself and how she felt. Recently she has done a complete turn around and is so wonderful to be around. I will be going back to work from my maternity leave in mid November and she is going to be my primary babysitter. I offered to help her financially when I return because I understand that she is having hardships in that area but she said absolutly not! I cant beleive it I prayed that she would be ok and God has answered my prayers. She recently seperated from her husband as well so I can understand she is feeling alot of grief. The new baby has really made her so happy too. Thank God things are getting better for her.

[KarenH]

KayC

My girlfriends threw me a birthday party, my first one without Paul in August. They organized a tennis round robin, dinner and a very generous gift certificate to a local mall. Complete with a cake, candles and singing. It was so touching, I am blessed to live in a small community where i get lots of support. Everyone loved Paul, he was the life of any get together. Then a week later a got a new job that I love. So there are some good things happening out there. Thanks for promoting some happy stories.

KarenH

[lorikelly]

John

Thank you for sharing,it brought tears to my eyes. what a wonderful relationship the two of you had and i hope that you and tom always remain close. lori