kellymarie Posted October 11, 2006 Report Share Posted October 11, 2006 I never thought I would have made it this farI just passed the 7 month markAnd I can laugh nowI can smileI can be sillyAnd all of this seems naturalI don’t cry every dayI don’t cry when I feel guilty for being happyWhen I awake in the morning, I remember that J is goneBut the overwhelming feeling of dread no longer accompanies thisMostly, recently, I just laugh a lotAt myself, at life, at my crazy ideasYesterday I thought to myself, how did I survive?How did I make it this far?Was it God?Was it my own strength?I faced deathI faced the darkest hours of my lifeAnd somehow I survivedI feel almost as if I laugh so much now because my life was filled with such sorrow for the past 6 months that now is my time for joy.The minister at J’s funeral said to fill the void with hopeI had no idea what this meant but I searched for hope blindlyDid he mean hope in an afterlife?Did he mean hope that there would be joy in our lives again?Hope that we find meaning in our loss?Well I found hopeI found hope in feeling joy againI found hope in incorporating J’s life into my life and the meaning in my lifeI would never trade a moment of this miseryTo take back this experience in my lifeThe experience of loveThe experience of lossBoth I wouldn’t want to live life not knowingI originally thought it so horrible to experience this at a young ageNow I am so very gratefulI have the opportunity to change the rest of my futureI have the opportunity to truly live life to the fullestWithout pretensesWith falsehoodsI will live life with only the most genuine relationshipsI will become, hopefully, I more compassionate and understanding personLife with loss has so much more meaning that a life without the experience of lossYes, it is sad that J is goneIt still does not seem the natural order of thingsYet I am not sadI have found my meaning to all of thisI am grateful to have loved and lost J"While the experience of grief work is difficult and slow and wearing, It also is enriching and fulfilling.The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern."Roy and Jane Nichols , "Funerals: A Time for Grief and Growth"in The Hope Line Newsletter, July 2001www.hopeforbereaved.comThis is what I hope for in my life…It’s just so wonderful to be able to feel joy again in my lifeIf you asked me, just even a few months ago, I don’t think this would have been possibleNow I see that in the future I may have lows But they will never be the extreme depths of the early months Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 11, 2006 Report Share Posted October 11, 2006 AMEN, Kellymarie!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted October 11, 2006 Report Share Posted October 11, 2006 Kellymarie,What a wonderful and insightful post. I am so happy for you that you have joy and hope again. What you said about facing death and the darkest hour of your life, and surviving, hit me hard, but in a good way. I truly realize now that it's the misery in your life that makes you a whole person and adds a depth to people that wasn't there before. I think of the people I know who have not had any misery and I now find them terribly shallow. Maybe that's not fair of me, but I would much rather talk to a "grief survivor". Thank you so much for this wonderful insight. I know this is one post I will read over and over.Hugs to you,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted October 11, 2006 Report Share Posted October 11, 2006 Wow, that is great. you give me hope when i need it so bad. i pray for that day. you should be proud of yourself. lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellymarie Posted October 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 Thank you all so much! Shell, I know what you mean about really only like talking with other grief survivors... they just get "it." Last night after I posted, I realized that was my 100th post here!! I didn't plan it that way but I feel like it was a real milestone. With that, I have to give my most heartfelt thank you possible to everyone here on this site. It is truly because of everyone here that I survived. I have no idea what I would have done with all of you. I feel that you are all my family. A huge hug and an unbelievable amount of gratitude to each and everyone of you! Love, Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ann Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 hi kellymarie,what a wonderful post..i can relate to what u are feeling. i felt that way a month ago. i tried to find myself and face life again..and i am slowly regaining my self. now, i am able to find joy in simple things in life. and i can easily smile now. my life is indeed enriched by the loss i suffered.it is a wonderful feeling, to feel joy again, when i never thought before that i will survive. but here i am..here we are. and i totally agree with this.."The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jkw Posted October 15, 2006 Report Share Posted October 15, 2006 WOW....That was great! Thank you...you give everyone hope! And congratulations for being happy. Sincerely,Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leann Posted October 23, 2006 Report Share Posted October 23, 2006 Thanks so much for sharing this with us! You gave us all such a lift! I'm glad you're doing well.Love,Leann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellymarie Posted October 24, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2006 Geeezzzz, this grief thing is truly a rollercoaster or spiral or whatever term to refer to the fact that you repeat phases over and over and over again. Just feeling sad and lonely today and wondering what happened to all my happiness and hope from just a couple of weeks ago... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted October 24, 2006 Report Share Posted October 24, 2006 Kellymarie,I've been up and down so many times in the past year and eight months I don't know which way I'm going! It just never seems to smooth out, does it? But I always know that when I'm down, I will go back up again...sometime, so just hang in there until your rollercoaster decides to go up again!Hugs to you,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing rick Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Dear KellymarieI just read your post from Oct when you were at 7 months..you really inspire me. I am at 7 1/2 now and have yet to feel what you did, but your post gave me the courage to keep on going no matter how bad I feel now. You are the light at the end of the tunnel I was looking for!!!I understand from reading further down that you are experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotion but isn't that to be expected. At least you have seen what your life can and will one day be like. Thank you for helping me Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janine Posted February 10, 2007 Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 Wow, I can feel your energy. Thank you for sharing your hope and your joy.Janine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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