Now What

[nowwhat]

My husband died of Cancer on October 10th. Now what do I do. I don't sleep. I miss him so much. I do have to go to work and I suppose that is good but when I come home no one is there. He was in so much pain I know that it is better he is gone but how do I go on. There is no one to talk to, no one to sit by. Sorry is I am just going on and on, but it hurts and those around me do not understand why I just can not get on with it. I am a professional and I know all about depression but it is different when it is you. There are times I just need someone to talk with to share my thoughts. Can any one give me a hint of what I am to do now.

[kellymarie]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your husband. You have found a wonderful place with warming caring people to help you through this thing called grief. Your grief is still so raw and new and what people around you don't realize is that grief is a very long journey. This is not something you will ever "get on with." This is a wonderful place to share your story, your thoughts, your pain and you never have to worry about going on because that is why we are all here. I, too, am a professional with training in depression but what I have learned (tomorrow will be 8 months for me...), is that grief is a natural reaction to unreal events. What you are experiencing is completely normal and could never been learned unless you've been through it firsthand. As for your question "what now?," well, sharing your story with caring friends and family and with us here will help tremendously. You will probably tell your story over and over again. Learning and reading about grief has helped me so much. There are numerous books available out there; my favorite has been Healing After Loss: daily meditations for working through grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I started a journal. I went to a counselor for the first few months and found a hospice grief support group. But really, in the horrible beginning, as cliche as it sounds, you really just have to take it one day at a time. And sometimes, an entire day seems overwhelming... so just taking life 20 minutes at a time is more managable. Again, I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found this site; the wonderful people here have become my family. Hugs, Kelly

[Laurie]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. I lost my fiancee just 2 days earlier, on Oct. 8th. Believe me, I'm not even close to "getting on with it." I'm not even sure if the shock has worn off yet. Like Kelly said, It's so good that you are here with us. It really does help alot to write, and to have others who understand just what you're going through. I know it's so hard. Writing your feelings out does help, I also "talk" to Sean (my fiancee) alot. It helps me somehow. I tell him how I'm feeling, lots of things, and I always talk to him as I'm falling asleep. Some days are not that bad, some are so horrible. I think that over time, there will be less and less bad days and mostly good ones with only happy memories. Take care, Laurie

[STOO]

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband; we all here know how it feels to lose someone you love deeply. Your loss is so new - I'm surprised that people expect you to be "over it" by now. As you know from your training, and you are learning now through experience - grief is very personal, and no two people experience it, or cope, in the same way and time. It's unfortunate, but even in our grief we have to try to understand that people who haven't expereinced such a painful loss cannot comprehend what we are going through. They do not mean to be insensitive, they just, plain and simple, do not know, and are trying to help. Many of us have found some solace in this forum -- whenever you post someone is always here to respond. Feel free to share with us whenever you need or want - we all want to help. ~Stoo~

[nowwhat]

Thank you Kelly for you words. I did not know where to turn and I am glad I have found this place. I work with all of the counselors in the area and did not feel comfortable going to them. It would ruin our professional relationhip. I have been so lucky my boss let me take my husband to conferences so I could care for him. Last Wed and Thursday I went to my first conference without him. It was terrible!! The first half of the conference went well but my co workers were being childish and I just left. I came home where it was safe. I just no longer have any patience for their childish games. I have a dog who is my main company, but he can not understand where his dad has gone. He almost had an anxiety attack when I left him with the sitter for the conference. I talk to a picture of my husband I at times I think I will go crazy. Thank you for your kind words and for just listening.

[nowwhat]

Laurie,

I too talk to my husband. I hug his photo and tell him I love him. After reading all of wonderful replies I cried and am crying as I reply now. I thing this is the first time I have let myself cry. I have had to take care of a lot of financial matter and at times it seemed over whelming. Due to his long illness we lost our home in WI and had to move back close to my home and my family. His family cut off all ties when they found out he was sick. My mother helped me care for him during the last month. It was so quick. After we stopped Chemo it was only three weeks when the doctor said he would have a few months. Thank you for the first time I feel I can share with those that understand.

STOO

Thank you for your kind words also. Thank you I feel better knowing that there are those out there that will listen. I feel that by sharing and having you all share with me I will gain understanding and some peace.

[Laurie]

That is such a shame that your husbands family cut you off like that. I can relate to the financial strain (so can alot of others here) I think that makes it so much harder, when all you want to do is crawl into bed. The stress of all the paperwork and money worries is so hard, and really overwhelming at a time like this. It makes me feel so alone and scared. I guess you had your first real good cry when I did, at about three and a half weeks. And I cried for 2 days straight. We are on the same time frame, and I think maybe the shock is starting to wear off. I realized this afternoon, that exactly one month ago today was the last time I saw Sean alive. I can't believe he hasn't been here for a month, I miss him so much. I'm glad you are close with your Mom, it's great that she helped you and is there for you now. What is your name? and your husbands name? Keep writing, we are all in this together. Love, Laurie

[nowwhat]

Laurie,

Thank you for being there. My name is Jane and my husband was Stephen. Have a good night

Jane

[chrissy777]

Nowwhat,

I dont think there is anything to do know but go through the greiving process. I am a professional too and remeber learning in school about the stages of greif. I have learned from going through the loss of my husband that nothing is what you think it is. I have gone through all the stages at different times several times. The anger really got to me. I was so mad but I didnt have anyone to be mad at. I never got mad at God. I did ask why, but I guess I will not find out the answer anytime soon. I also lost my husband to cancer (hodgkins lymphoma) actually the autopsy said he had no cancer in his body when he died it was the chemo that did it to him. With time things get a little easier. (Im at 4 months today which feels like an eternity) Come here and talk to others that know how you feel. It may seem like no one else in the world can feel as bad as you and it sucks to find out there are others that have to go through this as well. It really does help to talk though. Take care of yourself.

[lorikelly]

Dear Jane

I am so sorry that you lost your husband but am happy that you found this site. it has helped me alot. i lost my mom 4 mos ago and it feels like forever since i have seen her. some days i don't think i will make it. it seems unreal. i just do the best i can and that is all you can do. do what ever helps you. i go to a therapist and do a bereavment group (2 more weeks to go). i come here everyday to read and post. i cry everyday and talk to my mom as if she was here. i have to believe that she can hear me. i wait for the day when i will see her again. for now i have to go on for my husband and boys it is hard. do you have children? i will be praying for you. lori

[gabrielle_land]

Jane,

I'm very sorry for your loss, it's a shame you have to go through this painful moments.. please know you are very welcome here and you may write about your feelings as much as you like, we all will love to know more about you and Stephen. You have our support and remember we care and understand you.

Your loss is very fresh and I can recall how dark and empty the first month was, it's been 4 months for me for cancer too, it has been still hard, but not as the beginning when everything seems so out of place and confusing. Give yourself time to cry, be mad, and just anything that you feel like getting out of you, I have learned grief is the one thing you can't control, so give yourself time.. People around most of the times don't understand how deep the wound is so their behaviour isn't mostly what we need, so try not to take too seriously what they say or expect of you, remember the only one that really knows how you're feeling and has to deal with the grief is you, so dont mind people trying to rush you into healing, it's a long process but you are not alone, we are all here in that same process, some have a longer journey than others, but we all know what you are going through, and we will give you a helping hand and a shoulder where you can come and cry anytime.

Hugs and Blessings,

Gaby

[kayc]

I have to say a hearty amen to everything kelliemarie expressed, it's as if she took all of the words out of my own mouth. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very raw and painful thing to go through and all of us have been going through it too. Some of us have had more time lapse since it happened and some have are still in that fresh beginning stage...it's very tough. Some of the things I have learned in the last 16 1/2 months are:

*Just get through this day

*Eventually try to find something, anything good about the day...a rainbow, a puppy's kiss, anything.

*Be very, very kind to yourself.

*Don't expect much from other people...most of them are disappointing.

*Express yourself...come on this site and read and post, write a journal or letters to your husband, somehow get out what you're feeling and going through.

*If anyone offers help, accept it.

*Get assertive. If anyone says something inappropriate, set them straight...not in a beligerent way, but don't be afraid to speak up for yourself either. People can say some incredible things to us when we lose our spouse.

*Listen to your own heart...what is right for you is different than what may be right for others. One person sells everything and moves, another person cherishes everything and changes nothing. Neither is wrong...just different.

Try not to make huge decisions for a while if you can help it. It helps to have some time between the initial loss and major decisions to even know wht to do.

*Remember the whole of the person and realize your love continues even while your ability to communicate to one another has changed.

[Jasper]

My husband died of Cancer on October 10th. Now what do I do. I don't sleep. I miss him so much. I do have to go to work and I suppose that is good but when I come home no one is there. He was in so much pain I know that it is better he is gone but how do I go on. There is no one to talk to, no one to sit by. Sorry is I am just going on and on, but it hurts and those around me do not understand why I just can not get on with it. I am a professional and I know all about depression but it is different when it is you. There are times I just need someone to talk with to share my thoughts. Can any one give me a hint of what I am to do now.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so recent and you will continue to go through these emotions for some time. It has been a year and a half for me and I am still wondering where do I go from here. There are some good books which helped me, one being "Finding Your Way" after your Spouse dies. It is also very practical. Does there happen to be a Hospice in your area. They are very helpful and gives you a chance to talk about your loved one. Many different emotions will occur and that is okay. We can't bypass grief, we have to go through it and in time believe it or not you will enjoy life again. You didn't say what age you are! My husband also died from Cancer, lung cancer but was fortunate not to be in constant pain. He had his times. He died at home and that was hard in one way but I would do it again. Just don't be too hard on yourself as it is very early in your grieving. Be good to yourself. Take care