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Not A Good Day


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I got up at 6:30 this morning and drove 55 miles away to a job interview that turned out to be several hours of hype...I felt really deceived and ended up walking out. It made me late for another appointment so I had to reschedule it for tomorrow morning so I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Then I came home to two rejection letters and a notice from my medical insurance carrier that my insurance is ending in December...I thought I had 3 years to Cobra off George's insurance but it turns out I only have 18 months. So I'll be out of insurance and I'm broke and my unemployment runs out in 3 weeks. I've been applying 60 hours per week and I'm exhausted and my carpal tunnell is flaring up again. I came home to some bad personal news and then my mom called and preached at me in her usual obnoxious way...what a wonderful way to top off the day. And all of this is because George died. If he was still alive, we'd at least have one of us working, the insurance would still be in effect, I wouldn't have this pressure or gotten the annoying call from my mom. Why is it that when you lose your Love, your life partner, it's not enough to just miss them like hell, it's not enough to have this hole in your heart and to feel like it's tearing in two, but no, you have to also deal with financial problems, people saying stupid things to you, and you have to go it alone with all of the decisions in life. There's no one to share things with, you're just all alone and out of luck. Life changes in the blink of an eye. It used to be I had George to talk to and to hold me. I feel so down...

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KayC,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It is not easy finding a good job these days. Things would be a hell of alot different if we had our husbands back. I cant imagine how you are feeling because I worry all the time about nonsense things. I hope things start looking your way and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless

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Kay,

I know things are so difficult when you lose the love of your life, there are so many descisions to be made and things to be taken care of. I wish that there was something that would just put all of that on hold for several months until we can get our heads screwed on straight. I had to file bankruptacy after Karen died in order to be able to provide for myself and Carson, I hated going through that but it was the only way.

As far as people saying stupid things I wish I could help with that one, people just don't think before they say things. I wish you the best of luck, just keep praying about it and God will provide for you.

Derek

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Kay, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I know, we should be able to just concentrate on our grief. You have helped me with your words so many times here, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I'm sure you feel you just need George with you to make everything OK again. I'm going to say a prayer for you that things start turning around and that you get a good job. We have enough pain and worry in our hearts, you shouldn't have to be struggling with these things too. I'll be thinking about you today. Take care of yourself, Love, Laurie

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Kayc, I am sure sorry that everything is going to hell all at the same time! Believe me I know what this feels like and its the last thing you need to be worrying with now. I wish people on the "outside" understood how much the grief alone depletes our energy much less having to take care of everything else and make more decisions when you mind has left you. If they only knew what it feels like, maybe they would offer some support but I'm not holding my breath anymore. I know we can't help you here but so much but maybe knowing you are NOT alone and we are thinking of you and wishing for some relief for you soon! Deborah

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Dear KayC,

What a terrible time you're having and I'm so sorry this is all happening to you right now. I don't know why it all comes down at once, sometimes.!!!

I could barely, barely cope with the loss of my husband and get out of bed, AND take care of all the hundred-and-one things that had to be taken care of shortly after his death...then his three adult daughters got on a 'toot' (I don't know how to explain it without going into pages of details) and I haven't spoken with any of them since...plus they might be trying to sue me...I don't know - but I do know they have a lawyer and, thank God, I have a friend who is a lawyer and can help me out with whatever happens.

What I'm going through is bad enough - and it sounds just awful what you're going through. You give so much love and encouragement and support on this site - I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Dear God, please be with KayC - your beloved child - and take care of her and let GOOD things start occuring in her life, right now...guide her to her perfect and immediate job, and let your abundant blessings flow into her life now...thank you!!

Love, Benita

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Thank you, all of you, you have no idea how it made me feel to come on line and see all of your responses of encouragement and love and prayers. We only have dial up connections in our area and mine has been disconnecting immediately after connecting the last couple of days so I haven't been able to check anything...I finally got connected through some different phone numbers and it seems to stay connected a little longer now.

Friday I went to a temp/placement agency and got signed up, interviewed, tested, and they are supposed to call me with an interview appointment with a prospective employer. Friday went much better than Thursday. I got to see my daughter and her fiance for three hours and my daughter is SO FUNNY, it was very therapeutic to be able to laugh. Tomorrow morning it will be back to the more than full time job of job searching and hopefully very soon something will break for me. I have never been so tight in my life...I should have filed bankruptcy when George died instead of remortgaging my home because then I wouldn't have to worry about losing it, but then I didn't know I'd lose my job later that year or that I'd have such a hard time finding a replacement job that pays decent enough. Hindsight is always easier!

I have been helping someone with their therapy, typing their papers, etc., and I'm learning so much. This weekend we covered "thinking errors", one of them being anger, and how fear/denial/blaming play a part...the cure being taking a proactive stance instead of a victim stance. So much of what was covered I could relate to with what we go through with grief...how it is so easy to just wish things were back the way they were instead of rebuilding from where we are, but all the wishing in the world doesn't help or change our circumstances...the rebuilding does. It covered how we need to accept responsibility for ourselves and I thought how much of this applies to me. Sometimes it pays to offer to help someone! In the end, it was I that was helped.

I appreciate you guys, you are family to me and I love you.

Edited by kayc
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