How Long?

[Laurie]

It's been 5 weeks since Sean's been gone. How long does it take for it to really sink in? It still doesn't seem real to me. I stll somehow expect him to come back. I just can't believe that he's gone forever, that I'm never going to see him or hold him again. I had a terrible dream last night. It's not that clear, but I know Sean was home and he died in our bed. I remember finding him and thinking I would wait until the kids left for school to make a phone call. I went back in the bedroom to see him again, and I saw him moving in the bed and knew he was alive. I got into bed with him and told him all the things I wish I had told him and just held him. I wish I could remember more, like if he said anything. I think I woke up then. I feel so alone, I have my kids but they are fine. But Sean was not thier father, they don't love and miss him like I do. I feel so alone in this, not that I want my kids to feel like I do but I just feel like everyones going about the days but me. I talk to my Mom and my sister in law and my friends, and they are great but they didn't love him. Sean's family has been very nice to me, and they call here and there but I'm not that close with them, I never got to know them very well. I am so greatful to have this site but I just feel so lonely and hopeless. It feels like life for me is over, in the sense of being meaningful and happy, but the days just keep rolling by and I just keep doing the same routine every day, because I'm a Mom and I have to. Laurie

[dpodesta]

Laurie,

I wish there was a magic answer to how long we feel this way after the death of a loved one, but there isn't. Each of us is different in how we feel and how long we feel that way. It has been a little over 7 months for me since Karen died, I want to say the shock has just now started to wear off especially with the holidays coming up. You are so new into this, it will take awhile. At 6 1/2 months, I dreamed that I came home and Karen was on the couch and I asked her where the H*** has she been the last 6 1/2 months. I then told her I guess you got your wish, you can now be a stay at home mom since I had to file bankrupacy. Then I woke up. It all seemed so real, it left me with a weird feeling all day. The only advice I can give is to take this one day at a time, feel what you need to feel and don't let others tell you how you should be feeling orr what to do. You will know what you need to do when you need to do it. With God's help and this site you will be fine.

Derek

[lorikelly]

Laurie

My mom has been gone 4 1/2 mos and i still can't believe she is gone.somedays i try to fool myself into thinking she is still alive. i am not sure when we accept it.

maybe the dream was a way to help you . you got to tell him all the things you needed to. all the things you felt bad or guilty about. you got to hold him. maybe you can look at that as a gift, that Sean came to you so you could let go of those things.

this time of year is a very hard time for all of us who are grieving. it makes you sadder b/c we want to be with them. i know that i must continue own for my boys but it is hard.i would rather skip over the holidays but i can't. just do the best you can, you are only human.

take a day at a time and be kind to yourself. i know this is hard we tend to beat ourselves up. do your best and know that we are all here for you.

lori

[chrissy777]

Laurie,

Id like to know the answer to that too. Im at 4 1/2 months and I still feel like I will see him or can call him. It is so unbeleivable. I wish I could give you a good answer or something to help you. Days do get pretty repeatitive dont they? They seem to just be the same over and over. It has to get better. I pray alot and it helps. Take it one day at a time. I try not to think of the future too much because I see my future without Jason and it really hurts. Take care.

[LarrysGirl]

Laurie, It will be a year for me Thursday and I have to say that I still don't have a grip on this yet. I know no one else will even be upset that day but for the life of me, I can't get it clear in my mind that it has been a year!! I can't breathe today just anticipating the day approaching. You are very early into this grief so pace yourself because it takes awhile. Deborah

[janieb0828]

Laurie,

I understand your feelings. My Mike has been gone for almost 6 months now, I still look at the clock at 7:00 pm every night thinking he is going to call me while he is on lunch. I have his pictures everywhere in the house. That way I can always see his smiling face. It will get easier sooner or later, it takes time. I do suggest you do what I did and see a grief counselor, it really helps to talk to someone.

Losing the one you love is not easy at all. Mike and I were together for almost 18 years, we grew up together as friends.

It is good to talk to his family even though you are not close you are all going through the loss of a great person in your life. Mike's mom and I really didn't get along before he left us. But we talked for hours on end afterwards, we just comforted each other that way.

Jane

[missingcharlie]

Larrysgirl - I can guarantee that there will be other people upset this coming Thursday...I WILL BE. That will be 2 years for me without my beloved husband, Charlie. I think you and I have spoken about the fact that we are "on the same day".

This week is not going to be easy. I remember this time last year and my heart goes out to you!! Believe me...it's not much easier this year. This year seems like I have more worries than I did last year; most financially.

I sometimes wonder how I will get through the rest of my life...without the man I loved more than anything.

I wish I had some words of "wisdom" for all of you, but it doesn't really get easier - it just becomes "the norm". I have heard from people that have lost their spouses years ago that they never miss them any less - the pain is ALWAYS the same.

My heart is with all of you in this journey.

Patti

[spunkye]

Hi Lauri,

I wish I could answer that question. I found myself, yesterday and today, yelling and sobbing and saying "I just want him back!!!! I can't believe this!!! This isn't happening!!!"

It is such a nightmare - and he's been gone 2-1/2 months.

Earlier on I thought I was feeling better - it's as if it's BEGINNING to sink in - the reality of it, and it's worse than it was in the beginning. I guess it's shock early on - although it doesn't feel like shock - it feels real then too.

What a roller-coaster ride we're on.

I'll pray for you - you can pray for me

Love, Benita

[Laurie]

Thanks to all of you, I so appreciate the time and thought taken to respond when your'e in so much pain yourselves. I know it hasn't been very long for me and I don't expect to feel "better" for a very long time. I just think it's so strange and a little scary that alot of us can't get this to sink in. I hate that sudden heartbreaking letdown I get so many times a day when I have to force myself to beleive it. You know when I think of something I want to tell Sean, or I see headlights pulling up to the house and for a few seconds I forget. Those moments when I realize, no I can't tell him or no it's not Sean's car, are so awful it's like someone just knocks you back down again and again. There are things I should be happy and excited about, My son Brendan applied to 3 colleges today. Bobby got straight A's again! And my little Sean finally found his "thing", Cub Scouts. He loves it! I want to share all of these things with Sean. I did go to the kids hockey games tonight, but halfway through the 2nd game I started thinking too much, remembering games me and Sean went to together. We always sat close on the bleachers, his arm around me, it's so cold in there. I remembered the time Sean almost got banned from the rink for running down into the game when a boy was getting beat up by a much bigger kid and the ref wasn't stopping it. That's a big no-no, no parents on the ice!

Lori, I was thinking the same thing about my dream. I just wish it had been clearer, that I could remember more words and more details. It might have comforted me then. Every night before I fall asleep, when I pray I ask God to let Sean come to me in my dreams and to help me remember them.

Thank you everybody, Don't know what I'd do without all of you. Love, Laurie

[kayc]

Derek,

I was so shocked to hear your dream because it was almost identical to the only dream I remember with George in it since he died. In my dream, he came home and I was REALLY mad at him and laid into him for abandoning me. It was anything but comforting and when I woke up I was very disconcerted. I think it shows the ambivilence/anger we feel over being left...it may not make any real sense, I mean, I know they couldn't help leaving, but our feelings are what they are whether they make any sense or not. It is an acknowledgement of all we have been left to deal with.

Laurie,

I wish I could say when/if/how this would get better, but I can't. I only know that what you are feeling is normal, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. You aren't alone, even if you feel like it, we do understand. Hang in there, it has to ease some eventually.