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Wow.. Christmas Is Hard


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I haven't been here in a while. I've thrown myself into my work and life in general. But wow, is Chritsmas getting difficult. I expected it, I knew it, I was as ready for it as I could have possibly been... but I was not ever expecting to be curled up on the bathroom floor at work in tears while my staff sings along with a Christmas carol. I have done nothing for Christmas. I am usually one of those people that are ready by November because I absolutely hate any sort of a store in December. But I just can't get motivated this year. Luckily I don't have kids! We're making Christmas dinner plans for five, but it should be for six! Grandma should be here! And it just kills me that she's not going to be. She really was the only one in this family that was happy to have me around. Everyone else always finds fault with my job, my hair, my boyfriend, etc. She just let me live my life (I am 25 afterall, I'll make my own decisions thank you), and only spoke up when she believed a decision was going to harm me in some way.

What makes all of this so much more difficult, is that my family seems to be having no problems at all. Anytime I talk to my dad, he seems fine. No one's even mentioned grandma yet, and I feel like I'm grieving alone... and if you knew my family, you'd agree that I am. I don't really know how to get through the next few weeks with a smile on my face, but I know that I have to. All I can think is something is missing, nothing is right with the world, and I'd just rather stay in bed.

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Jenn13

You can say it again and againcause I agree with you so much about this time of year and it hurts so bad that my mind is all fogged up I cry all the time out of the blue I will just burst into tears. I also have really done nothing for the holiday either my boys decorated the tree but all else nope nothing just trying to get my self together to do it but man like you I new it was going to be hard but not this hard. I wish I had some words for you but I really am in the same boat as you but its my MOM who left me and its like I am stabbed in the heart and the wound will not heal.

Griefing alone makes it worse in some wasy but other ways helps (me any way) I don't have to hear anybody else say to me that its time I get over it and move on or anything else I deal with it how I want to but at other times I just pray that somebody close to me would just scoop me up in there arms and let me cry as they hold me and tell me it will be ok.

I am trying to think of all the good times I had with my MOM but I am stuck in the time she eft I am froze there and don't no how to move on I try but I guess I do not try hard enough huh. I know we all had good times its just trying to get them to surface after such a loss. I would also like to hide and wait for it to all be over. This morning I all of a sudden got in to a mood where I laid on my bed with my MOM's ashes and just talked and cried to her for her to talk to me, I heard from other people that they talk to there loved ones and I have talked and talked but I feel nothing in return I might be trying to hard but man I want my MOM. I want the times when I needed to talk she was there and listened and like you did not judge just let me talk I want her silly faces she would make and her crazy self that she was. I never new my MOM to be angry she found the best out of everything I mean my MOM went through hell and her reward now is heaven thank GOD really but I always thought that they only left when there time was up and Iam not done learning yet I need her here with me. I am lost with out her I also have lost my grandmother and sister due to them moving I got a wake up call in a matter of minutes my MOM passes and they move thanks huh. I did not want to grow uo from my family yet we are suppose to stay together always, nope it does not work that way. Life is so hard to understand I try tolook and keep my head up butit seems like when things are going good bam down it comes if not harded well thanks for listening

Thanks

Haley

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Hi Jenn----I just lost my gpa in June and my gma 2 years ago. Like you, I was extremely close with them, too.

I've never been a big fan of xmas myself, so if you are worried about presents, the easiest way I find is to send people boxes of chocolate from sees.com. So easy.

There will be more xmas' for you to participate in. This one is the one you'll have to pretty much think of yourself as you deal with your grief and loss. Dont feel bad about that. That is what I try to remind myself of.

In almost every post I can only say I am so sorry we are all dealing with grief and our losses.

Take care,

KL

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Jenn,

Just go easy on yourself and cry when you have to. I feel so much better once I let it out and cry for a few minutes.

This is my 2nd Christmas without my Mom. She died 25 days prior to Christmas very unexpectedly. I was late in getting anything completed for Christmas. You say that you don't have kids...see, I think maybe it was easier for me because I do have kids and they believe in Santa and all that stuff so I had to do the usual Christmas. Believe me...had they not been there nothing would have gotten done. I found the first Christmas without my Mom a little empty. I took someone's advice though. I took ONE single red candle and set it in the middle of my Christmas table...I surrounded it with holly and evergreens and tied a Christmas bow on the candle holder. I lit it for my Mom while we ate dinner just to remember her and her beautiful spirit and life.

Take care.

Lori

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Hi, Jenn: This is my first Christmas without my Dad and, like you, I knew it was going to be hard....but as I have often experienced on my journey, it has been harder than I expected. I've been doing a lot of crying and sleeping lately. I just haven't had the energy to do too much in relation to getting ready for Christmas. Sending cards and attending parties just isn't happening for me this year. I've decorated some, but not a whole lot. My local hospice had a service of remembrance recently and I bought an ornament and candle for my Dad. The service was beautiful, but I sat there and had tears streaming down my face the whole time. They just wouldn't stop. But in another respect,the service was so comforting for me and I'm glad I went. Just do what you can, let the rest go, and take the comfort and hope where you can find it.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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Jenn,

I'm sorry that you are grieving so deeply. All of the "firsts" without our loved ones are very difficult. I understand how you feel, I think. I feel empty and alone - and don't feel like there will be any Joy without my love for the holiday. I guess the best we can do is to try to remember the happiness of past times with our loved ones, and to try not to ruin the holiday for everyone else.

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This is also my 1st Christmas without my dad, I really miss him. Like others have said I knew it was going to be a challenge to try to keep things a little normal. It seems harder when I am at work and everyone is so happy about their plans, I know they care about me but the people I work closely with have not lost a parent so they do not understand. I do not not have much patience and would really like to be left alone. My brother passed away in 2002 and tomorrow would be his 44th birthday. My father-in-law passed away in 2004 and my dad in May 2006. Now my sister-in-law has been diagnosed woth stage IV breast cancer. I just fell kinda helpless right now. Please say a prayer for me and our whole family and you will be in my prayers.

Christian Love,

McKenzee

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This is my first Christmas without my Mom. I just want to run away. I don't know how I'm going to make through the next week. I'm just not sure I can do this. I'm always ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Work is also a challenge for me. Everyone is discussing where and what they are going to eat for lunch on Christmas day. I have nothing to say. I don't want to eat lunch. My Mom is not here to share it with me.

I am so sorry for all of your losses and your sister-in-laws diagnosis. I will keep her and your family in my prayers. You have been delt more already than most people are handed in a life time. God Bless.

Missing my Mom sooo much,

Trudy

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Thank you all for your replies. This week at work has been nuts, and I haven't been able to sit at the computer long enough to type a few sentences. I am so sorry for everyone's pain.

I won some $ last Friday.. and again this Friday.. a large sum. I think in a lot of ways I let that take over my head and forget about everything else. I made the mistake of falling asleep with the TV on just a few short hours ago though... and I woke up to a Christmas song. This just all feels so wrong. Everyone keeps saying that she was old. WHO CARES? Does that make her worth less here on earth? I just HATE it when people say that, and it's my own dad saying it.

Today will be a true test. Today we will have many family members over for dinner and present opening. Other than Christmas eve/day, I expect today to be the hardest. It just all seems so very wrong....

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Jenn,

I wish we all good some good smart advise for you. But bottom line. We all want I loved ones back. I could just slap those people when they make those comments. My Mom was old but she could have lived to be older. Take not one day at a time but one minute at a time. We have already got together for one family gathering. It was just a meal. I just disassociated myself from the whole Christmas holiday. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Missig my Mom,

TRudy

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I didn't get much sleep last night. After the initial flood of tears I just sat there in bed staring at the wall. Today I am wearing one of my grandma's sweaters. I never thought I'd be able to wear any of the clothes my mom saved for me of her's. In some strange way, I feel somewhat comforted. Like she's here in her own little way. I'm going to a jewlery store today to search for a piece of jewlery that will commerate her life and not her death. Something I can wear everyday and feel her near me. If it's this hard with grandparents, I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose a parent. My best friend lost his dad a few years ago, and while time has healed him some, I can still hear the pain in his voice. I guess you're right, all we can do is take it one minute at a time and get through, without ruining the holidays for everyone else. Our company is on their way, so I'm off to paint on a happy smile. It's exhausting having to do that sometimes.

Sending good thoughts to you all, wishing for peace and comfort...

Jenn

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It's December 26th and I took down all of the Christmas decorations already. I just had to get through 12/25. It was like a deal I made with myself. We have two children (teens) and I wanted them to have a nice Christmas. But the pain of missing my dad was more overwhelming than I thought and I'm still in tremendous pain. I love all of the advice people have given. His favorite day was Christmas Eve when we all get together. I was in the shower getting ready for the night and I had a terrible flashback of him right after he died. I went into a panic attack, my face turned bright red so my blood pressure must have gone up sky high. It was like the gig was up. I couldn't pretend anymore. The pain was ENORMOUS! So now I told the kids that I've gotten through Christmas and really just needed to get the decorations away. So we all did. I'm looking forward for a more normal routine because it helps the pain. Thanks all for being here. I too will take it one minute at a time.

Sheila

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I too am glad to get back to routine what ever that may be. Christmas was our big holiday. It was the one time we were all together since my brother lives out of state. It was just emotionaly exhausting. I'm so glad it's over. I feel like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Not only worrying about my reaction but my brothers and sister also. It was hard holding it together for them and watching them try and hold it together. There was a lot of silence. It made me realize Mom was the center of our Christmas even more than I thought...

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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Hi, everyone...

I've been away from my computer for a while. I went back to my hometown to visit with my Mom and my brother while I'm on break from my teaching job. My students will be back tomorrow and I'm glad to be back in the routine. Like everyone else, I'm sooooo glad the holidays are over. My brother and I both heaved a sigh of relief. We didn't fight or anything like that. This was a Christmas of firsts for her: her first without our Dad and her first in the nursing home. She misses him and home so much it truly broke my heart. We sign her out and bring her home periodically, which seems to help her. She wanted to go "see" my Dad, so I signed her out and took her to the cemetery. It seemed to help her feel better. We also had meals with her; my brother has lunch with her every day and I go for supper every day that I'm home. But today, Doug and I just looked at each other and both said at the same time "I feel soooo wiped out!" Things were just so wierd without Dad.

I'm thinking of you all and praying for you.

Hugs,

Leann

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Leann,

I think that's one of the hardest parts about all of this, that "wiped out" feeling! I am sooooooo tired all the time and it makes everything harder. I wish we could all gather on some island somewhere, with our responsibilities magically taken care of, and just sleep! hahaha.

Hugs,

Shell

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