Is This Typical

[Art]

I am soon coming up on nine months without my wife. I seem to only get lonelier with each passing day. I can't tell if I am avoiding people or they are avoiding me.(I know I'm no fun to be with so who could blame them). I have come to seriously question whether I want to continue living in this condition. The holidays are coming and I see nothing but more loneliness and pain not joy and peace as in past times. Have any of you dealt with this and if so how?

[WendyJ]

Art I am so so sorry for the loss of your wife. I just passed the 8 month mark last week for losing my dear sweet husband of 34 years of dating and marriage. We first met when I was only 15 years old. Like you I am having a very hard time, Steve was my other half, by best friend, my soulmate. You are right that the Holidays coming up are making it even harder for us but please know we are all here for eachother and will be for you too. Please keep posting, I know it helped for me to get to know everyone and what they are also going through. Please tell us all about your special wife and if you want to what happened as sometimes it helps to share those things.

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Art,

What you are going through is normal and the holidays coming up just make it worse. Last year when I was around 9 months, I tried to focus on just today and not try and look towards what the future had in store for me. I came here a lot and I had several friends that were there for me. I hope this helps in some way. The holidays can seem very lonely very quick.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hi Art,

I know you and your wife loved each other so much and it's so very hard when one has to go. You'll eventually find that feeling of going on without her, but as you know, it really does just take time. It's a really hard time of year. I have my son that will visit, and I'll go to my daughter's for a dinner, but it won't be the same, as you know. We always have to keep on....you know that. We just need to take that darn one step at a time. Every feeling you're having is "typical" and you will flow through them. I don't know if you're a praying man but I feel He's with us even when we don't know it....sure has been there for me and I sure didn't know it! Hang in there, Art. You'll be fine down the road a bit.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Art, what you are experiencing, most of us have also gone thru. Some people do avoid because they don't know what to do or say and at times I avoid contact with others because I don't have the energy and want to withdraw myself. It does feel at times that you feel more alone, I think that you miss them more and more. The holidays are a painful reminder of the loss you have experienced. Try not to anticipate them anymore than you can. It will not be easy. Life has changed for you but I'm sure you will find a way to cope. This site is so supportive and its like being among friends. Deborah

[Art]

Hi Wendy and thanks for your concern. I met my Charlene when she was just sixteen. We knew each other for only three months when we were married. Everyone who knew us said it wouldn't last, thirty four years later we were still laughing at them. We were absolutely made for each other and I am so thankful to the wisdom of God for bringing us together. I don't understand why He saw fit to separate us after all those years. Like most of us men, I guess I had always assumed I would go first. She had had many serious health problems for several years but seemed to be doing better in the days before she died. She started to drive to the local Wal Mart one morning and somehow lost control of the car and hit some trees alongside the road. I got to the scene just in time to see them load her into the helicopter to the nearest trauma center. She never regained consciousness. I never even got to say goodbye. My life seems to be over too. It is almost as if I am somehow being punished by being left behind.

[WendyJ]

Oh Art so sad, I am so sorry. I didn't get to say goodbye to my Steve either even though I was there with him. He got up in the morning said he felt dizzy, had some kind of attack. I called the ambulance and they rushed him to the hospital and ran test and could find nothing wrong. They told us they would keep him overnight for observation and that we just had to wait for a room. We were sitting there watching TV and he had to go to the mens room and they said he could get up and go in by himself. On the way back out he got dizzy again and started to have the same attack, they threw me out of the room and worked on him for over 45 mins and could not revive him. Autopsy showed he had a blood clot that went to his heart. One minute they told me he was fine and the next I was a widow at 49 years old. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. We will stick together Art, we will get through this.

Love,

Wendy

[teny]

Hi Art Im far away living in GREECE but feelings and pain are the same all over the world.I lost my husband 1 year ago and every night I wake up feeling emty lonely and just not believe that us 2 has left only me to suffer.I ask WHY we were so in love and the center of my life was that relation.I was 18 when we married.I know that you feel punished and you also ask WHY .I cant find answers .Holidays are hard.All friends inthis site do understand and we try to support each other.TENY

[kayc]

Art, It's probably a little of both. I think it's typical that some people seem to drop away when we have a loss, and I also think it's normal that we withdraw and isolate ourselves somewhat. We feel like everyone else's life has gone on but ours and feel like people don't understand. Most of them don't. That's why it's helped me so much to come here, because here there are others going through the same thing and they DO understand. Also, with time, the distance between you and your old life grows greater and you feel that much more removed and lonely. It'll get better eventually as you rebuild your life, but of course, it will never be like it was. We are here for you though, please post whenever you feel like it.

[Quilter5]

Art,

It's been one month today since I lost my best friend and life partner Vern. The holidays certainly aren't helping any... but you worry me when you say "I have come to seriously question whether I want to continue living in this condition". What do you mean by that? Your wife would never want you to do anything as to take your life... so, just put your head down, pray, and head through the grief. Life is hard, and none of us get through it without hard knocks. We all will lose many people before we pass on ourselves.

Loneliness is the pits, but she is at peace, so be glad she's in a better place. She would NOT want you to carry on like this, and be so unhappy. You can get through this.. just ask God's help.

Hugs, Christine

[Art]

Hi Christine,

Thank you for your concern and for the kind words. All I meant to say was that I am hurting beyond words. I am lonely and life seems to have lost its purpose and meaning. I feel that I am lost in a sea of storms and no land is in sight. I truly don't know any other way to express what I'm feeling. I am hanging on to my sanity by a thread or maybe I've already lost it. I'm not sure. It is difficult to imagine my wife being at peace in a better place without wanting to be there with her. It really is hard to have any happiness or peace in life when all your hopes and dreams lie fading in the grave.

Yet I continue to struggle on because I know that I have two wonderful daughters who love me and need me and I cannot abandon them in these stormy waters. Please pray for me.

[Quilter5]

Art,

I will pray for you, but she is not in a grave... just her body. Here is a neat poem:

To Those Who Mourn...

For that is the real truth; woman is a soul and has a body

The body is not the woman; it is only the clothing of the woman.

What you call death is the laying aside of a worn-out garment, and it is

no more the end of the woman than it is the end of you when you remove your coat. Therefore you have not lost your friends;

you have only lost sight of the cloak in which you were accustomed to see her.

The cloak is gone, but the woman who wore it is not;

Surely it is the woman that you love and not the garment.

It's only been a month for my grieving, but 2 books that have helped me are:

On Grief and Grieving by David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Facing Death Welcoming the Afterlife by Stephen Knapp

I do know how you feel. Evenings are the worse. Depending on your age, and spiritual beliefs.. you will make it through. I know you will. Hurt only makes you stronger. Trust God, He knows why, and someday...so will you.

God Bless

Chris

[karenb]

Art.

We'll pray for you, of course, and you need to as well. I'm glad to hear about your daughters who love you and need you....that, alone, needs to be enough for you to continue and continue and continue. You know at church on Sunday the pastor was talking about our pain and it really hit home with me. Why are we given pain? Well, it stops us in our tracks, let's us know we are vulnerable (sp?), it gets our attention and if we ask for help from Him, it helps us to help others because we've "BEEN" there. I believe our good Lord is showing us a way to help others, and I believe that's what we're here for. When I lost Jack I was just "nowhere." It's taken me just over two years to come to where I am now and more to go. I am praying for all of us....hang in there, Art. You are so worth it!

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Art, I can certainly relate to that feeling or perhaps its something more, I walk around feeling a sign above my head saying "unhappy and miserable-don't tread on me" my take is maybe we become more aware of ourselves and feel isolated from the outer world. Its a efficient coping mechanism than to resort to other random acts of error. I been alone almost 9 months now and like yourself, we beat the odds thrown against us, we had a long distance relationship for 8 months that lasted 8 years, regretfully too short for me, now in my middle age with regret.

William

[lorikelly]

The holidays make it so much worse . I think the time b/w 6-9 mos is a very difficult period. i felt like i was going backwards. Please keep coming back here to talk, it has helped me so much.

Lori

[kayc]

Art and Quilter5,

Your pain is fresh and you haven't had adequate time to adjust to your new life, the intensity will lessen but you will never stop missing them.

Karen, I wish I could have heard your pastor's sermon, it sounds good. You're right, everything has it's place in our lives, even our pain is used, we just don't relish it.

I am praying for all of you...

KayC