I'm New To This Group And Wanted To Share My Story

[Lynette]

I lost my "Soulmate", Mike on November 15th, 2007. This is all real new for me and my family. My husband was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer October 2006. He made it through two major surgeries, several biopsies, and two rounds of chemo. One November 11th, 2007 I had to call an ambulance to our home because my husband was having a lot of trouble breathing. One thing I forgot to mention, my husband went from a 195lb very healthy man to weighing only 120 lbs and barely had enough fat on him for the nurses to take his blood. While he was in ICU, after countless blood test and scans, the doctors determined that Mike had MRSA/Staph infection from the portacath that was surgically put in his chest for his chemo treatments. There were several complications while in the hospital. On November 15th, he had to be taken into surgery because his right leg was not getting any blood due to a blood clot. After 6 hours, the doctor came into the waiting room where mine & his family were waiting and told us that he came through the surgery and he would be back in ICU shortly. We were all jumping for joy, laughing and hugging each other. Around 15 minutes later, the doctor came back into the waiting room and said for us to wait there, apparently there were complications when they were moving him from the OR table to his bed. Five minutes later I saw the doctor coming out of the swinging doors with his head down and that’s when I knew I had lost my one true love of my life. They said it was probably a blood clot that let loose in his leg and went up to his heart.

I feel as though I don’t want to live anymore. During the week, I work so I’m staying busy, but when Friday comes around I just lose it. On Fridays we would go out and eat Mexican food and have a few drinks just to wind down from a busy week. We’d talk about things that happened at work, or camping trips in our RV that we would be planning with our family. See when I met Mike, I’d gone through a divorce and basically thought I’d never fall in love again. When he & I met, I knew this was my prince charming and he would always take care of me, he would be my strength, my “Soulmate”.

We were only married 13 ½ years and those were the best years of my life. I just don’t see how I can go on and ever be happy again. I refuse to take off my rings, if someone meets me for the first time; I tell them I’m married. Is this wrong? I just can’t let go. We were at the point in our life where the children were married and having their own families so we could start enjoying our life and each other. This is so unfair. I get mad when I think about all the child molesters, wife beaters, etc. that is healthy and still walking on the streets and this has to happen to a very good, loving man. Makes no sense to me!

I’m sorry that this is so lengthily, once I started typing, I just wanted someone out there to hear my story. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

Thank you,

Lynn

[karenb]

Hi Lynne,

I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you. Love is important, family is important, good memories are important, grief is important...all these things. Being busy helps, but you're right the week-ends can be miserable and tough to deal with. I don't know if anything can really help you right now except to express your feelings just as they are, rest and take it slowly. You've lost the most important person in your life and that hole in your heart seems like it won't mend ever. For now maybe you can be with your loved ones and just take a day at a time. My ex-mother-in-law just passed away at 102 and I'll always remember her saying just "one darn foot in front of the other." You take care of yourself, you're important. Your husband loves you and wants you to be good to yourself. Try hard to do that. Be with us often.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Lynette I want to welcome you to our family and I am so sorry for your loss. I swear I cried my eyes out when I read your post, it could have bee written by me, my husband didn't have cancer but he also died of a bloot clot that went to his lung. Below is a copy of my introduction when I had joined, again I am so sorry for your loss.

Wendy

My past post:

I have to apologize as I have posted a couple times but never properly introduced myself. My name is Wendy and I live in New Jersey and on March 7th of this year I lost my husband, my soulmate my dearest friend in the whole world Steve. His problem started many years ago with a so called simple vein stripping which caused him to get Phlebitis which in turn destroyed the valves in the main vein in his leg which is needed to pump the blood from your heart to your feet. Over the years he has had a few surgeries, a stint was put in, had to always wear a surgical stocking to improve the circulation in his leg, wear a surgical shoe, had to have a toe removed and delt with many very painful Ulcers. He had to be on blood thinners for many years but was taken off of them about 10 years ago. To make a long story alittle shorter while dealing with all this he has also been seeing a doctor for what they said was the beginning of arthritis in his joints and his one knee in particular was really bothering him so they put him on some potent pain relievers. He was also many years ago put on permanant disability as he had a hard time being on his feet without elevating his leg. Over the years he was dealing with his disability and managing it while still seeing his doctor. Well on the morning of March 7th he got up for me like he usually would to start my car for me as it was extremely cold and snowing and ice as I have asthma. He took an exceptionally long time in the bathroom and when he came out said he was dizzy and proceded to have some sort of attack and at one point I do believe he was gone, well they got him to the hospital and he came around fine and was joking and laughing and they said they would keep him overnight for observation. A few hours later they told him he could get up to go to the bathroom and had the same thing happen and they made me leave the room. At certain times I could see him looking to see where I was, swinging his arms in a panic and moaning very loudly! Next thing I knew they were yelling code blue and after an hour of trying to get him to come around they told me he was gone. I had an autopsy done, it was a blood clot that went to his heart. He was only 52 and I am 49 and we had been together since I was 15 and he was 18. We have 2 beautiful daughters, one he walked down the isle this past October and one who will now never have that luxury. I miss my husband so so much and I cry everyday and at times I don't know how I will go on. My life must now change drastically and I find I am no longer living just surviving each and every day. Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare?

Wendy

[lyn]

Dear Lynn,

I am very sorry for your loss. We didnt ask to travel this road, but here we are now caught up on this difficult journey. For me, it became bearable because of the support and love i get on this site. Expressing and writing my thoughts helped me a lot too.

Too many emotions to deal with - the numbness, denial, anger, pain..the craziness of the changing emotions as we go through the different stages. Allow yourself to feel all of these. We are here for you..

Nothing in life is fair Lynn. I couldnt count the number of times i have told God this. And He always listens. I am still rebuilding my relationship with Him. I still couldnt pray and go to church diligently. It is ok, I dont force myself to do things I am not ready to do. One day it will come..i have hope that one day healing will come for me and for each one of us here.

Hang in there.

[Stallyn]

Lynette,

I am deeply saddened by your story, Life gives us cruel choices, no exceptions to losing your soulmate, which changes everything, I had a very similar thing happen 9 months ago, being ripped apart wondering what life is now, Indeed I still say I am married, and get upset filling forms or being asked what my marital status is, I always write married or widowed. makes it bearable. Always go easy on yourself, if you feel whatever it is, allow it to run with its course, you may have different feelings each day, you made a good choice to come here, you'll find much comfort and faith to walk aside you whenever you need it.

God bless,

William

[Teri]

Hi Lynn,

I too am fairly new to this site. My Mike passed away 7 months ago after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. He also went thru 2 major surgeries and many, many chemo treatments. He went from weighing 240# to 138#. I am still married to him and he is still my husband, my soulmate. My boys are 14,16,and 20. I never in my worst nightmares dreamed I would be a widow at 45. It's been worse for me lately, with the holidays quickly approaching. All I can tell you is just take it day by day. Sometimes even minute by minute. Nothing is easy, but hang in there. It's what Mike would have wanted you to do. Teri

[Lynette]

Hi All,

I just wanted to tell everyone that has replied to my post, Thank you very much. It helps knowing that this emotional roller coaster that I am on is normal when you loose a loved one. After reading some of you're replies, it helped me realize that Mike would want me to be happy.

Today I talked to one of his co-workers that was pretty much his best friend. He told me that the reason Mike kind of pulled away from me and quit talking was because he was very mad at him self for getting cancer. He also told me that 2 weeks before my husband passed away that he called him and Mike told him that it was killing him watching the sadness in my eyes. I thought I was hiding the tears, but I guess he still could see and feel them.

I'll keep this short, I just wanted to share with my friends what I was told today. I truely believe that our love ones are watching over all us and they will not be happy until they see we are living and trying to be as happy as we possible can.

Merry Christmas to all,

Love, Lynn

[karenb]

Lynn,

Good for seeing that...I very much feel it's true. I feel my Jack is with me, loves me from wherever he is, and wants me to be fine. Mike, I feel, is watching over you and loving you even more. Just bless his wonderful soul and thank God he was with you for the time he was. You have some wonderful memories to live with. Take care.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Lynnette,

I am very sorry you lost your soulmate. Your story is not unlike any of ours. The way you are feeling, it is how we have all felt. Life isn't fair. We are glad you found this site and encourage you to come back and post any time, you will always find a caring attentive group here.

[Stallyn]

Lynette,

Just checking in to see how you are doing I am thinking of you..

William

[Lynette]

Thank you William for asking, I wish I could say that I'm doing wonderful but that would be a lie. The holidays really aren't enjoyable like they once were. I've tried a couple Christmas parties and taking rides around the city to see the Christmas lights but it just isn't the same. Of course I put on my happy face so I don't hurt my family and friends feelings because they are trying their best to keep me busy. Today I had to cook a couple of dishes to take to my families Christmas gathering tomorrow and I don't know what my problem is, but I had trouble remembering the ingredients in two dishes that I've made for the past 20 years. I pray to God that 2008 brings some happiness in my life because 2007 is a year that I’d love to forget. I want to start remembering my husband before he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I want so bad to remember the man I fell madly in love with.

Enough about me, how are you doing?

Merry Christmas,

Lynn

[Stallyn]

Lynette,

I still have thoughts of my wife being ill, it has its own volition I guess. Its hard to say merry christmas, and people should understand that if you feel bad its natural and normal, wierd how we forget long term memories, sometimes I find myself doing something and "forgetting" it. I am doing ok, long story short my father is just being cruel again, kicks his girfriend out, takes her money, I ponder why did I deserve a depraved mind of a father? He never was supportive of my loss, most of it was done alone in a room, praying for relief.

[kayc]

Lynette,

I think that forgetfulness and lack of concentration/focus comes with the territory, I still have that, it's a sign of stress and grief with all of its adjustments is stressful, it takes so much time to adjust.

William,

I am sorry you have that in your father, I understand, I have one of the most difficult mothers one could be born with. We can't figure them out and we can't change them, only do our best to love them and tolerate them while also adhering to boundaries for them in our lives. It helps me to regulate the amount of time I spend with my mom, whether in person or on the phone. I call her once a week and let her talk an hour, I give her that, and sometimes if I can handle it, a little more often, but not too often or she tries to control or manipulate, I have to balance it. Good luck dealing with him, I know they can be hard sometimes.

KayC

[therese]

Dear Lynn,

When I read your letter it touched my heart. My husband of 58 years passed away on Sept.6,2007. He took his life rather than put himself and the family thru what he thought would be a long and painful ordeal with no real quality of life at the end. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and had just started his chemo and radiation therapy. He was facing surgery to remove most of his esophagus after the chemo and radiation therapy. Previous to his diagnosis he had been thru several other surgeries. An endarterectomy and bypass surgery. He had diabetes and many other problems that he was dealing with. I felt then and still feel that I should have done more and I wonder why I didn't pick up on his intention to end his life. I loved him dearly and miss him more than words can express. I have so much guilt and wonder if he thought I wouldn't be there for him thru what he was facing. I pray that he is at peace and I hope with time I will find peace also. I am having a difficult time letting go. I know what you are going thru. May we both find peace this coming year.

Terry

[karenb]

Hi Terry,

I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through and what you're going through right now. After reading the various posts here you must know that what you're feeling and so very normal and part of the process of healing. It really is just a day at a time getting through these things. The main thing I feel is that I had him here for a while and I'll see him again when the time is right. It is tough no matter what the circumstances are, but we'll all make it. It's important to do the things for ourselves that will help us to continue on like exercise, eat right, be around loved ones, things like that. You take care - 58 years is a very long time, and I feel you're very lucky to have loved your husband that long. Try to not think about any guilt, you can't be responsible for the actions of others. Just try to remember your wonderful times. Talk to you later.

Your friend, Karen

[Lynette]

Terry,

You don’t need to feel guilty. I’m sure you’re husband knew you would be there for him; he just didn’t want to put his family through so much pain. I too have also felt guilty, I’ve asked myself so many times, what if I would of told Mike I didn’t want him to go through another Chemo treatment, then he wouldn’t of gotten a staph infection, he wouldn’t had been taken to the emergency room and he wouldn’t of died. Then I realize that I just didn’t want to give up, I didn’t want to lose my love without a fight. He did it because he loved his family. Sometimes I feel very selfish because I wouldn’t just give up. Even when the doctors at MD Anderson told us that the chemo would only give him 6 months instead of 3 months. I still was holding on to that hope and possibly a miracle.

Terry, I’m sure you’re husband didn’t take his own life because he didn’t think you’d be there for him. I bet in his mind he did it because he didn’t want to see the pain in your eyes. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore.

Right after my husband died, his best friend & I were talking and he told me that when he talked to Mike on the phone one day, Mike told him that the cancer wasn’t killing him, but seeing the pain and sadness in my eyes was. I thought I was hiding the tears, but apparently he knew how it was killing me. I just thought he was starting to give up, and it wasn’t that, he saw what it was doing to me and our children.

Please hang in there and we’re here for you,

Love,

Lynn

[kayc]

Terry,

I want to say how sorry I am, you have been through a great deal. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you and your husband would have done whatever you could to make the outcome as it was "before" but that wasn't to be. My husband died of a heart attack...he was in the hospital and started having a heart attack and I ran for help, when I got back, he was in acute distress and a lot of pain. I cried out to him to hold on for me and he shook his head "no". I again cried out for him to hold on for me, and again, he shook his head "no". I could take that that he did not want to try hard enough, perhaps didn't love me enough, but that isn't so. It simply was that the fight was too hard any longer and he so needed that rest that he now has. You are now the one facing the every day stress and pain and we want to help you as you adjust to this new life that is now yours. I won't say it isn't hard or painful, but with this group, it is more do-able. Eventually you will begin to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. May you find peace in this next year.

[suzanne]

Terry & Lynette

I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you my friends. Know that all of us will be here for you, keep posting, whatever you need to say, someone is here to listen and knows how you feel.

Suzanne

[DesertBob]

Terry,

It can be tricky to sort out a situation like this but I hope you realize that there is suicide that happens because of despair and psychological pain and then there are so-called "rational" suicides that simply represent the individual's decision that enough is enough, and that their life no longer objectively offers them any pleasure or enjoyment. No suicide can be 100% "rational" of course because one's emotions enter into it, but the main driver does not have to be depression.

Because we as a society are afraid to accept death as a part of life, we are kinder to our dogs than to our loved ones. We consider it cruel to force a dog to live with terminal cancer beyond a certain point but we consider it equally cruel not to grotesequely prolong the life of a terminal cancer patient.

In an ideal world your husband would have felt free to discuss the pros and cons of this with you, the rest of the family, and his doctor. In an ideal world he would have had humane options. Paradoxically, the very presence of those options would give him a sense of control over his destiny that probably would have prolonged his life. As it was, he did the best he knew how to in the midst of a society that did not equip any of the players with the compassion and means they really need in that situation.

It's not his fault or yours that it happened the way it did. In the end, everyone did their best, which is all you can ask.

I know about these things because my wife suffered so much, and her worst fear was that she would end up in some kind of semi-vegetative state, kept alive artificially in some sterile institution. To her, that was worse than death. Accordingly she made certain preparations through the Final Exit organization, should things ever come to that point. Doing so gave her great peace of mind, and, I'm certain, gave her the courage and hope to live at least 12 months longer than she otherwise might have. Thankfully she didn't have to go there but she probably wasn't far from it at the time she died.

Don't regard your husband's action as a horrible tragedy that you should have / could have prevented. It was his rational response to what you yourself describe as "a long and painful ordeal with no real quality of life".

Remember 9/11 and the people jumping off the World Trade Center? Would you have counseled them not to jump, but just to stay put and burn alive? Of course not. It was their choice. Your husband made the same choice. Give him the space to make it and be *thankful* that you *didn't* prevent him from taking care of himself, thereby giving him more days of not living, but suffering.

--Bob

Dear Lynn,

... My husband of 58 years passed away on Sept.6,2007. He took his life rather than put himself and the family thru what he thought would be a long and painful ordeal with no real quality of life at the end. ... I felt then and still feel that I should have done more and I wonder why I didn't pick up on his intention to end his life. I loved him dearly and miss him more than words can express. I have so much guilt ...

Terry