Family/friends

[rosanne]

Did you feel you had support from family and friends through the holidays?

[lorikelly]

No most people think that i should be over it. they didn't even bring it up. i have to the point where i just don't say anything anymore . lori

[shubom]

No one, family or friends mentioned my parents this holiday season. It's been 8 years since my father passed, and 2 years since my mother passed. This Holiday season was a little better. I mean, I felt better enough to at least buy a singing snowman, but not hang up house lights. Still sad time. No presents, except for the exchanges between me and my sibling. And even that was sad, since there's only 2 of us now. We felt like robots giving each other presents, like it was mechanical with no spirit. You know? I miss them dearly. No one asked. No one cares or remembers but us

[rosanne]

Dear Shubom,

I don't deal well with that. People would say have a Merry Christmas, and I want to say what in the ---- are you talking about! My mother just died, how am I going to have a Merry anything....... Are people so unfeeling that they just don't get it?? You are right, we are here for each other and I guess, that is all we can count on. I just hope and pray that when I have friends that go through what I have gone through, I will be more considerate and show them.

Rosanne

[shell]

Hi guys,

Unfortunately, other people don't realize how we feel. I guess that's why we all grieve in private, so to speak. On the other hand, I sometimes think that some people try to cheer us up, thinking that if they don't mention our losses, and be merry around us, we'll feel better. I can understand, to a point, how others don't "remember" our current situation, but you would think family would! That's how we end up with our own little family here!

Hugs to all,

Shell

Shubom,

It was the same way with my brother and me. We exchanged gifts, but it was sort of sad. But we made it through and at least we had each other. I really feel for those that have no one, so I guess we have to look on the bright side of that. But I totally understood what you meant, about it being almost mechanical and sad that it was just the two of you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Lea]

It has now been 7 months the 30th of this month. It feels like yesterday that I lost my mom, my best friend.

I have a friend that I have had my entire life who does not understand what I am going through. Shortly after my mom passed my friend, her husband, my husband and myself went out of town for a weekend trip. I was numb and all I could think about was my mom. Yet no one wanted to talk about her (except my husband and myself). My friend and her husband only wanted to discuss politics. We do not agree politically and the last thing I wanted to hear was politics. I had just lost my mom. I became very short with my friend and her husband and now she won't even talk to me. She thinks that I am being rude and selfish. Yet, during my mom's illness she was there the last week helping me take care of her. She knows how close we, my mom and I were. She thinks I should just "get over it". I don't understand how someone that you have known your entire life can be so cold. I apologized to her for being short yet she still can't find it in her to even talk with me. I guess I really don't need her "friendship" if she can't even try to understand the intensity of the grief and pain that I am going through. I thought that she would be here for me and my family and instead she has made life more difficult for all of us. Myself and my family are very close to the rest of her family. This has caused a lot of unnecessary turmoil for all of us. Now when there are get togethers either she is left our or I am. My mom would be so very upset as she thought that of this friend as another of her daughters. Has anyone else gone through this type of a situation?

[drew]

Oh Lea,

I found as my mom got really sick, most of my friends stayed at a distance. I just don't think they knew what to do. My very best friend of 20 years (my whole life since I'm only 21!) did not even understand the magnitude of my grief. After my mom was admitted to the hospital (3 weeks before she died) my friend asked if I would be her designated driver to go to a party. HELLO?! My mom is dying in front of me and needs me...NO I don't feel like partying!

Then when my mom died, my friend kind of disappeared. My mom half raised this girl and we have been close all of our lives. Now, when I need her most, she is too caught up in her own life to even be there for me. It really makes you take a second look at your friends. It is difficult for me not to judge her, but all I can do is be a better friend to people.

Just know that you are worthy of good friends!!! And when all else fails, be a friend to yourself. Picture someone you love losing their parent. What would you say to them? What would you do for them? Now say and do those things for yourself.

Drew

[shell]

Lea,

Yep, same thing happened to me. Long story short, she didn't bother to call me for two and a half years after learning my dad had died. By the time she finally called, my mom had passed away too. What she basically wanted to know was if I would be up to seeing her (meaning taking her out to dinner...my treat, of course, since that's what I've always done! She lives in another state and would visit every year, until her folks moved away) and when I told her I didn't feel we were friends anymore because she hadn't called me in two and a half years to see how I was doing, she had the nerve to get indignant and righteous about it. Well, I told her "no, I don't care to see you when you come to town". You will definitely find out who your TRUE friends are and I'm afraid it might not be many. But, I have made new friends that I didn't know I had....people who I knew, but who showed they really cared about my losses. I will be forever grateful to them and always a friend. It hurts, but we don't need the fair-weather friends at all.

Hugs,

Shell

[sandralb]

My "best friend" showed up to my mom's memorial party (that mom planned herself). I was very happy she made it, but then changed my mind when she proceeded to get drunk and made several of my family members uncomfortable. I sent her an email afterwards and tried to send a subtle hint that her behavior wasn't appreciated. She hasn't spoken to me since, but like some of you, I have made new friends who were there with me when my mom was in her final illness.

[Cindi]

Holidays were hard. First, on Thanksgiving my husband invited some neighbors and I wish that he would have asked first. I think our family needed this time alone.

Then my birthday. I told everyone, pretend its just another day. I don't feel like having a birthday right now. My mom is gone and it will just be too hard for me.

Christmas went a little better...we actually listened to a song my dad had picked especially for the occasion. One sister read something she wrote. So it felt a little more like we were making sure that we knew she was there.

We take my dad to a casino when we can. He likes that, and its a good distracation. You know my mom died right before I turned 50 and in all of those years I had never seen my dad cry. Not even when he lost his mother and then one summer he lost like 3 or 4 of his brothers and sisters and still, no tears.

He cries a lot now, and I'm glad he does, but it breaks my heart to see his grief and to know that I can't make it better. He wants so much to receive some kind of sign from my mom but nothing yet.

Me, I dream about her but she is always in the hospital dying. When we realized that she would not recover from the brain damage, we had to sit my dad down and explain that we needed to initiate the DNR/DNI. That is what she wanted. Once the decision was made they removed everything, even the IV. I did not expect that and it was hard to deal with. Dad has had some good days and then days where he stays up most of the night listenting to music that means something special to him. In fact, I spent a weekend downloading a ton of songs he wanted and burned to CDs.

He can't see well...has wet and dry macular degeneration in both eyes and nothing more can be done medically. I found a product called Videoeye which I think would help him a lot but my husband was laid off just as my my was dying and I can't afford it. I've written Oprah and Ellen. Maybe they would be willing to help out.

In the meantime, lets cry when we need to, remember always, and be grateful for the time (however short it was) that we had these special people in our lives. It doesn't make the hurt go away but we need to give them all the love we have...they gave it to us first.

[drew]

Cindi,

I remember having to sign the DNR papers for my mom. The doctor told me that if they had to put her on life support, she would never come off it and it would be very traumatic for her and us. They also said that if they had to do CPR, they would have to break her ribs. So I signed the papers and cried until I made myself sick. Then 3 days later my mom woke up out of the blue and was like, "what is this DNR bracelet doing on my arm?" So I had to explain to her what it was and why I did it. She got mad and had a nurse bring in new papers for her to sign and changed her status to full code. The doctors took me aside and told me that I needed to convince her to change it back, but how does a 21 year old kid tell their mom to give up? She wanted to live.

Three weeks later she suffered some brain damage and wasn't able to communicate well at all. Finally she slipped into a coma. One of the nurses was completely honest with me and gently told me the story of how she took care of her dad until he died. Then she said that my mom was dying. And it was the first time that someone really said it. And she told me that the best thing I could do for my mom was to sign the DNR papers. She said that nothing I could do would make my mom better, but I could give her the gift of a beautiful death. I thought long and hard about it. I talked to my mom about it, even though she was out of it. Finally after about an hour, I asked the nurse to change it. That was Christmas day, and my mom died the next day. I still wonder if I did the right thing. But then I flash back to my mom trying to talk but just gibberish coming out. I can still see the fear and frustration in her eyes. I remember the pain she was in. And then I think that maybe it was the right thing.

Many nights I play songs on my cd player that were special to me and mom. I just lay in bed and cry. Hopefully some day life will get better. Until then, I just try to think of my mom in the good times.

[AnnieO]

Drew,

I too, had to sign the DNR papers for both my mom and dad. And in my darkest hours I relive those last hours and wonder if I did the right thing..in my head I know I did. And so did you. Dont ever doubt yourself, you loved your mom and you made the hardest decision you will ever have to make and you did that out of love. Have a peaceful night.

[Cindi]

I was fortunate when it came to the DNR. My mother had told me many, many times that she did not want to be kept alive on tubes. That's why I had to do it...it was what she wanted.

She lasted a week from that time with no indication at all that she knew we were there. My Dad told her "go if you have to, but stay as long as you can."

He and I are both pretty angry with God. And that's okay...If anyone can take it its Him. My dad just keeps saying "we needed her more.

She was fine one day, her glucose levels dropped and we thought she was having a stroke and that started our odyssey. I'm thinking, okay, an iv to bring up the levels and the next thing I know, its a couple of months later and she's gone.

No goodbyes, no I love yous, gone. I know she loved us...we were her life. She was so concerned that she was a burden but the only one whoever thought that was her. How I wish she knew that. I'm really missing her today.

[leeann]

Roseann,

In answer to your original question... I felt support from my own hub & kids and my sibling and her family.. but.. any others??? Not really. It's like one has the plague and people stay well back.

And for the record.. yeah I felt like smacking Andy Williams, more than once, when I heard "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

I'm kinda used to people backing away from me when there's 'trouble' (like grief or other big things) going on.. so I wasn't all that disappointed. My expectations were kind of realistic.. so at least the difficulty of surviving the holidays wasn't compounded by disappointment.

I think it is just part of some human's nature to avoid things unpleasant... especially folks who have yet to experience a signifcant loss/illness/crisis/...etc.

To all of those who posted above me here about DNR issues.. my heart goes out to you all. I'm sure that must have been very difficult.

My Mom spared us all that by literally dropping dead. I found her and I know that was real hard for me... but a definite blessing for her and in a way for me too. She once told me that if she could have, she would have had "DNR" tatooed on her chest. (And I bet you won't be surprised to learn she was a nurse.)

Drew.. your experience and how you handled it ... heart breaking and awesome .. respectively. You are well beyond your years hon and an inspiration, truly. I know though.. you'd give that back in a minute to have your Mom with you now. (((((Drew)))))) You did well.. so well.

I'd like to think all of our Moms are 'living large' right now.....

And I'm real glad the holidays are over!

[rosanne]

leeann,

The first time I have laughed out loud in I do not know when- is when I read

about you wanting to smack Andy Williams, oh................how I can relate to that!!!!!!

Thanks, for the laugh

Rosanne