Still Here But Overwhelmed

[dpodesta]

Happy new year to all,

I am still here and have been reading the new posts. I have gotten a few e-mails wondering where I am and I thank those that sent them. I have been a funk latly and just feeling like I have nothing to give to the posts. Tonight on the way home I got to thinking that I really didn't want to go home. I am tired of having to cook, tired of eating out. My house is a mess and it is driving me crazy and I don't have the energy to do anything about it. The house keeper just cleans she doesn't sort things out, and I wouldn't want her to go through my stuff anyway. I just got back to work after having 5 days off. I don't want to be at work and I don't want to be home either. When I am home all I want to do is sleep. I slept so much the last few days and didn't get one thing achomplished like I thought I would. I am sure a lot of this can be attributed to some form of depression and I don't know exactly how to get out of it. I came home tonight angry and took some of it out on Carson, latly he has been getting on my nerves. Ok, now I have vented and feel a little better, thanks for listening.

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Hi Derek,

I am glad that you are still around. I know exactly how you feel. This time of year really seems to affect everyone who has been through loss, no matter how long it has been. You are definitely showing the signs of depression. Are you still on your anti-depressant? It is a hard life raising children alone, but we do have to remember that we are all they have and we need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of them. Do you have anyone to watch Carson so that you can go and do something for yourself, even if it is just a walk? As for the organizing, I am sorry I cannot help there I am trying to figure how to do that at my house. Please hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Corinne,

I have been off of the anti-depressants for almost a year now. I don't know if I need to look into getting back on them or waiting it out. Tonight it is taking every ounce of energy I have just to hold it together. I am tired of holding the house, finances, work, so and and so forth together all of the time. I spend quite a bit of time doing things I enjoy while Carson is staying at my sister-in-laws and I feel guilty when I am away from him. I am tired of coming home and having only an 8 year old to talk to and no adults around that know what I am going through. You can only say so much to a child and I don't want to burden him with my problems, he doesn't need to hear my problems when he has his own to deal with, not to mention an 8 year old doesn't need to deal with my problems. Thanks for your quick response.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Derek

Wondered where you had been. I've missed you. I'm glad you got somes sleep. perhaps lack of sleep gave you some impatience with Carson. I know you are a wonderful father. Your posts have given so much to each of us when we've been in the pit of despair. Several of us have had rough times during the holidays as I am sure you have read. All of us are here for you, whatever you feel just tell us, we understand and will never tire of listening. That's what friends are for. Dust bunnies will keep, I know.

Suzanne

[Corinne]

Derek,

I know exactly what you are talking about and the feelings you are having. As you know I have two girls 7 & 8 and it does get overwhelming at times and they definitely know how to get on your nerves at times. I also know what you mean about feeling guilty when you are doing something without Carson. It would be wonderful to have someone to help with everything and to be able to have adult conversation in the evening, but unfortunately that is not the way it is in our lives right now maybe down the road some day. Until then we do have our family here to talk to and help us through. As for the antidepressants, if I were you I would give myself a little time to regroup from these holidays blues that always seem to hit. If you are not feeling better, then I would consider going back on them. I had to go on Wellbutrin about a month ago because I felt like I was just walking around in a fog. Don't be too hard on yourself and know that you are not alone with all the feelings you are having right now.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[DesertBob]

Derek,

I can imagine what you are going through by adding, in my imagination, a young child to my current mix. It's easy for me to do that because I was a single parent for a couple of years, between marriages. In fact, my son was about Carson's age at the time.

Even without kids in the nest and no work commute I find it very difficult to motivate myself and get each work day started. I seem capable of staring into space all day long if I don't watch myself.

I don't think it's necessarily depression. It can be simple exhaustion. Reinventing yourself and making sense of tragedy and loss while earning a living and raising a child and keeping house by yourself is tiring work no matter how you slice it. One thing I'll guarantee you, exhaustion is in the mix, and even if you are clinically depressed, exhaustion may be feeding it.

If you can somehow carve a little chunk out of each day or at least weekly for casual adult interaction, it might be a great help to you. I have coffee at 6 am each morning, before work, with some friends at a local coffee shop. We are an ad hoc group of typically 3 to 10 guys who show up each day just to have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze. It's amazing how much it helps. Gives me something to look forward to. For you, it might be something else -- "fire gazing" or think time perhaps -- but it sounds to me like there is very little in your life that isn't about work or household drudgery / responsibilities. And if you're like a lot of guys you have a tendency to soldier on, one foot in front of the other, without taking care of yourself.

One last thing. I wish I had shared a little *more* with my kids about my concerns. It's a fine line, you don't want to go too far, but it can teach a kid a lot about sensitivity to the needs of others and gratitude for what you do, if he has some sense that your life is not a cakewalk of some kind. I guess what I'm saying is, don't make 100% of your worries invisible to him. Give him a glimpse now and then. It's okay to tell him now and then that Daddy is sad or missing Mom or is just plain exhausted. It might even be an opportunity to get him talking about his own feelings.

Hang in there, guy.

--Bob

Corinne,

I have been off of the anti-depressants for almost a year now. I don't know if I need to look into getting back on them or waiting it out. Tonight it is taking every ounce of energy I have just to hold it together. I am tired of holding the house, finances, work, so and and so forth together all of the time. I spend quite a bit of time doing things I enjoy while Carson is staying at my sister-in-laws and I feel guilty when I am away from him. I am tired of coming home and having only an 8 year old to talk to and no adults around that know what I am going through. You can only say so much to a child and I don't want to burden him with my problems, he doesn't need to hear my problems when he has his own to deal with, not to mention an 8 year old doesn't need to deal with my problems. Thanks for your quick response.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hi Derek,

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time. Bob sure has some good ideas you might want to think about. It does sound like you're exhausted. Getting some time for just you might be a good thing and confiding in Carson about some of your feelings and lots of dad hugs as well. Are you still attending your church. If so, maybe the pastor might be able to help....who knows. Someone to talk to can sure help sometimes. You've been posting such positive things in the past that this may be just a "hitch" in your get-along. Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Derek my friend I have been missing you alot and I thought you were just busy. I am sorry you are going through this but I could have written your post minus the 8 yr old. I hate getting up in the morning to go to work and while I am there I find my mind wandering and although I love having my own office and having my privacy I feel so lonely. I love coming home, yet when I am at home all I want to do is sit in front of the TV or sleep or just sit on the computer. When the phone rings it annoys me that someone is bothering me yet I am so lonely. I took Steve's truck through inspection today, it is an older 1995 Honda and I thought it would never pass, all I could think of was please let it pass as I don't want to cry all the way home knowing I have to get it to pass by fixing it and coming back. Well it did pass and I still cried all the way home anyway ! Why ? I am so lonely and I know it is because I want my Steve ! I am not lonely for human companionship, I want my Steve ! People want me to do things sometimes and I just want to go home, makes me feel closer to Steve ! Driving home from motor vehicle it was so lonely, so dark, my first thought was to call Steve to see what was new and to tell him his truck passed and well that wasn't going to happen. And you know what? I am already on anti-depressants ! Sorry...I think I had another one of my pity parties again.

Love,

Wendy

[Corinne]

Hey Derek,

Just checking in to see how you are today? I am trying to take down the Christmas decorations(horrible job)and trying to reclaim my house from my two daughters present clutter. It is taking all of my energy but I am determined to get a lot of it done today.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Corinne,

I am doing a lot better today, of course right now I am distracted by work and don't have time to dwell on other things. I hate taking the tree down as well, I don't like having to match the decorations to their boxes. Last year I didn't take the tree down until March. Hopefully I will get it done faster this year.

Thanks for asking about me.

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Hi Derek,

Glad to hear that you are a little better today. I would love to leave the tree up until March, but it is just adding to the clutter so it has to be taken down now and it is easier to do it with the girls not at home. It is a nightmare because they put all the decorations on (I just couldn't help) and all the ornament boxes are in disarray so it is like one big jigsaw puzzle.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

I can understand that, ;luckly I took the ornaments out of the boxes to hand to Carson so at least the boxes are somewhat in order. Good luck in getting it down today.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Derek,

It's good to hear from you again, I've been concerned about you.

Perhaps what you are going through isn't so much depression as the feelings of being overwhelmed by being the sole one in charge of everything, I know I go through that too at times. Sometimes it just feels there's too much on our shoulders. I am a list maker and it helps me to break things down into smaller chunks, so if I make a list of what I'll do today, what I'll do tomorrow, etc., it helps. I try not to put too much on my list to handle so I don't set myself up for defeat, and be sure to block out some time for relaxation. Enlisting Carson's help in what he can do might help too (sorting laundry, taking out garbage, rinsing dishes). It'll make him feel connected and responsibility promotes healthy self-esteem. Use some of the time recovered from his help to spend time doing something enjoyable with him. Sleep is important, so is getting out, a fresh look so to speak. I like spending time in nature, it renews me, but some people are city people and enjoy other activities.

Take care,

KayC

[Guest moparlicious]

Derek,

Hello! I know how you feel, it is normal, they tell me, which I am still trying to figure out what is normal, to have the feelings you do. I am new to this journey,4 months.I too have my children living with me. They are 20 and 16.They both are disabled and now my 19 year old daughter is moving back home,due to her roommates leaving her high and dry and I have a 16 year old, friend of my son living with me also!!!! Phew it is alot! I have been off of work for 3 weeks without pay, I work for a school and we are on break.I don't know if I have any advice to offer, but know that I have found soooooo many people on here that are so full of love, understanding and compassion, I can get through the day.I do have a heart and ears which are always open for listening,venting and heart that can break with you and walk this journey together, whatever it may be. Being widowed and a single parent,overnight, is really alot to deal with, and we will all get through this together.One hour at a time!!!!!! Love, Kim

[lyn]

Hi Derek, how are you? Glad to see you here again, I hope you feel a little better now. As we know we are on this roller coaster ride, and it is perfectly normal to fall back sometimes. You may be having some depression now, just allow it to take its course, it will pass too. Maybe you can let Carson share the household chores, it will give him a sense of responsibility. Please hang in there..

[lorikelly]

Derek

I am so sorry you are feeling so low, i do believe that it is a form of depression. i know you don't want to start meds again and i understand but you need to find something to help you. if you are not still in one on one therapy maybe think of going, how about joing a group for single parents. My friend joined a group called parents w/o partners and it helped her alot. also look for a support group that just deals with widows and widowers, my chuch has one every tues night. you also need to have time just for you, i know this can be hard being a parent. maybe sign carson up for something on the weekend and you take that time just for you. Carson needs you and God placed him in your hands for a reason, Dererk if he didn't think you could do this he never would of given Carson to you . Be patient with yourself and Carson. Remenber we all love you here. Lori

[MartyT]

My dear Derek,

As I was doing some work on the Internet today, I came across this wonderful video presentation, and I immediately thought of you and Carson. It includes some revealing comments both from siblings whose parent has died and from their surviving parent, as well as some helpful insights from noted grief experts Phyllis Silverman and Linda Goldman. I hope you (and our other members as well) will find it both informative and reassuring:

Helping Your Child Cope with Grief

[Dusky]

MartyT,

I just finished watching the video that you mentioned in your message. How beautiful - it touches so many of the feelings that we all experience following the loss of a loved one. Thank you for sharing this with us all.

Derek,

Wow - such a great video - there is wonderful help out there for you and Carson. I have been reading messages but not active in posting myself for some time - but returning slowly now that my book is nearing completion. I have noted that you have continued to provide wonderful support to others on this site. I wish the best to you and Carson.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack