First Visit

[Rosemary T]

Today marks the 3rd week that my husband died of a massive heart attack. It was very unexpected (everyone thought he would them; me included) even though he was 66. He was healther, had more energy and was in better shape than people half his age. I feel so guilty wondering if I could have done more. I made sure he went to the doctor all the time and even demanded an EKG the last time he was there but they said he was fine (just indigestion and heartburn). I was with him in the emergency room (complaining of chest pain) when he had the heart attack and I refused to leave his side until several hours after he was pronounced dead. I continue to wonder, should I have insisted on him seeing a cardiologist despite what his doctor said? Should I have insisted he retire when I noticed that the owner of the business was using him as a personal caretaker and emotionally upsetting him because my husband loved him so much and thought he should do everytbing for him (the man had enough money to hire cooks, chefs, drivers, etc but only wanted my husband)? Should I have insisted on dialing 911 instead of driving him as he requested?

We had no children together and I am 21 years younger. He always was stronger, wiser, and more energetic than I. He always put me first and made me so happy. The memorial service for him was packed. People actually stood outside the funeral home on the sidewalk peering in through the windows. Everyone who spoke said he was the most loving, compassionate man they had ever met. Part of me feels good to hear it but in other ways it just makes me so mad and so sad because my whole life centered around him and now he is gone. I have no purpose for going on. I don't care about much of anything and am just going through the motions because I feel like I don't have a choice.

Today I decided it might help me to post all of these feelings. I have read some of the posts here and I wonder if I will ever feel better like some of you do or if I will just stay in this frame of mind until I pass on to join him. I am not suicidal (I don't believe it is the right thing to do) but I have to admit that if I were taken suddenly I don't think I would mind much. At least the hurting would stop. I think.

I miss my Lou.

Rosemary T

[Corinne]

Rosemary,

Welcome to the site. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds a lot like when I lost my Jimmy, he too was my soulmate and he was 20 years older than me. We did not have children together either. Jimmy had colon cancer and commited suicide 11 years ago. I too questioned if I did all that I could as did a lot of us on this site. Know that you did do all you could and do not let that the guilt come in and take over. Grieving takes a while and it is a lot of work, but know that you will get through it. Your husband will be with you always and would want you to go on. Please keep coming back and posting it really does help.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Art]

Hi Rosemary,

First let me say how sincerely sorry I am for your loss. I know you have heard those words many times since your husband's death. I heard them so much after my wife died in an auto accident that they began to just seem so hollow, tough I'm sure everyone meant them from the heart. I am nearing the first anniversay and I can tell you that time does seem to help. I think there is a period of denial, although it may be a subconscious denial, and then reality sets in. It is at this point that it feels like you're starting the process all over again. At least that is the way it has been for me. At this point I have learned to take one day at a time and I have also had to just back away from some people I used to feel close to. It just is not the same anymore. This site and the wonderful people here have meant more to my progress than anything else. They have become like another family. They truly care and someone is always here. Please come back here and share your grief with us. We will try to help and we will all gain strength from the care and comfort.

[LarrysGirl]

Rosemary, Welcome and I'm so sorry. I wanted to let you know that what your questions, your thoughts and feelings are normal and you can't help but question. This site is a great family of caring people who will support and try to answer any questions. We are great listeners! Grief is very hard. It does take time. More than you may want to think right now but you can't process whats happened any faster. I know you feel like you have no purpose. Since Larry's death thats been hard to me too. You have to take it slow and one step at a time. Getting your feelings out if one way of helping you to understand whats happened. Be good to yourself. Deborah

[kayc]

Rosemary,

You have run across a very caring group of people here at this site who have also experienced what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. It sounds like he was a wonderful man, one that you will continue to miss, along with a lot of other people whose lives were touched by him.

No, it was not your lapse that did not direct him to a cardiologist...any more than it was mine that didn't insist my husband see one. That's what they had doctors for and we trusted them, their education, their judgment, to do what is best and to best direct them. We did not go to medical school, we could not have known...and reflux can so resemble a heart attack...I just suffered what I thought was a heart attack recently, only to learn it was actually anxiety and reflux due to stress. How could you have known? The only way to know is through testing and you would think when a man complained of these symptoms, his doctor would order tests immediately. I cannot second guess them, I'm just saying, it was more their place than ours, it's what they are trained for and what we pay them to handle.

I too felt just as you do now...for me it's been nearly three years, and this year has finally gotten better for me. We do learn to adjust, even though we cannot possibly fathom that in the beginning. You will get tired of hearing "It takes time" and it doesn't seem like much help when you can't speed it up and you want to fast forward past the adjusting part of it...but it is true, it does take time. You say you aren't suicidal, then you are far ahead of where I was that first year...I don't believe it is an option, but that didn't stop my feelings. I no longer feel that way. Karen has been a huge inspiration to me here, with her beautiful positive spirit, you will learn to love her and look for her remarks. You will grow close to this "grief family", for that is what we are...we will be here for you as you go through this grief journey, this journey you never asked for, and you will know at least that you are not alone.

KayC

[WendyJ]

Rosemary I too am so so sorry for your loss. I don't think I could add anymore to what Kay said, Kay you certainly have a beautiful way with words. We are all one loving family here, all going thru what you are, don't be afraid to express yourself to us, believe me we all understand.

Love,

Wendy

[Rosemary T]

Thanks Corrine,

I am feeling angry at times (at my husband) for leaving me and he certainly would not have done so willingly. Of course he was also not suffering so maybe that would have been an option if he had been in a lot of pain or distress. Were you angry at your husband or did you understand his decision?

Rosemary

Hi Art,

Yes, right now I don't feel like socializing at all. Work and home is pretty much all I want. I feel badly that some of the people my husband and I were closest to are the very ones I seem to shut out the most. It is just too painful because they remind me too much of what I DON'T have anymore. I hope they will forgive me and at least try to understand. They want so much to be helpful and I just can't bring myself to let them.

Rosemary

[DesertBob]

Rosemary,

I am sorry for your loss. Anger, guilt, frustration, emptiness --- the list goes on. It's all normal. It does get better, or you get better at coping.

The center of your life has been taken away from you, so you feel violated and you want a "throat to choke". But there isn't one, really. People take it out on the deceased, on God, on whoever or whatever is handy ... at the end of the day though death just happens when it wants to. Actually experiencing the reality of death destroys the illusions we hold about it. It is not just your husband you've lost, but your idea that death is something that would happen far enough in the future that it wasn't worth worrying about.

My wife died about as slowly and painfully as possible, over a five year period, so I at least had the mercy of not being taken by surprise, and of feeling some considerable relief that her agony was over. My heart goes out to you for the suddenness of your loss. It's brutal.

You speak of shutting out close friends because it triggers difficult memories. That is okay for now. When you are ready to reconnect with various parts of your life, including friends, know that it hurts far worse the first time -- less the second -- a lot less the third. At least that's been my pattern and that of others who have mentioned it here. The really intense suffering is often connected with "firsts" ... in general, seconds and thirds and fourths are much less difficult. Acceptance comes easier after you make a start -- but only when you are ready. And there is no one "right" time. Don't compare yourself to others or to your own expectations. Your grief is yours, not someone else's. Everyone's different.

Best,

--Bob

[Rosemary T]

Bob,

I read your post and something you said really hit home with me and that was the fact that I was holding on to an illusion of death being far in the future. You are so right. I think that is what is making this so hard for me to accept; it just came too soon.

I also appreciate what you said about reconnecting and that it gets easier the more you do it. I am such a big chicken, I avoid pain at all costs. I am thinking that I will lose more than I gain if I keep that attitude up but I also am thankful that you and the rest of the group acknowledge that I must take my own time.

When I read some of the posts where some folks in here have been without their loved one for a year or more and the pain is still so fresh, it scares me. I wonder if I will be able to take this pain for that long without "snapping". Right now I just do things for "today" and try not to think of tomorrow or further out at all.

I admire you for your way of looking at your wife's slow death. You said it gave you time to get used to the idea. Perhaps that is the key; finding something positive in every situation. I hope to get where you are one day.

Rosemary

[DesertBob]

I am such a big chicken, I avoid pain at all costs.

Well to that I can only say:

"Buck buck buck buckAWWW!"

To get to the pleasure sometimes you have to go through some pain. That is not to say I like it.

From one big chicken to another,

--Bob

[KathyG]

Hi Rosemary,

I'm very sorry you've had to join the ranks of us who have been left behind. My husband also died of a heart attack, right before Thanksgiving, and as with your husband, Bill's cardiologist had given him a clean bill of health.

I can't add much to what others here have so eloquently said about grieving. But you mentioned that you "just do things for today," so I wanted to tell you, keep going forward that way. It helps. You may even find at times that you have to take things one hour at a time, or even minute by minute, in order to cope. That's perfectly OK; you need to be easy on yourself right now.

Don't even try to think about what your purpose is or should be now. You'll discover it gradually, and it will probably take some time before you can look ahead to the future. It's now three months since my husband passed, and I'm only starting to be able to think ahead as far as next week.

It's hard to say which is more painful for us: having a loved one taken away suddenly or watching them suffer for months before dying. In the latter case, when death comes, although we hurt it's comforting to know that our dear one's long time of pain is over. But if they die suddenly, at least we know their suffering was brief.

[kayc]

Rosemary,

My husband also died suddenly of a heart attack and no way in the world did I expect it. It took us our whole lives to find each other and we'd just been married 3 years and 8 months, I thought we had our whole lives ahead of us, I thought we would grow old together, we'd bought the porch swing with that in mind. He still had his birthday banner up, he'd just turned 51. I don't know that it matters ultimately if they're young or old, we were married a short time or a long time, if it came as a shock or at the end of a lingering illness...the fact remains it hits hard and we feel gypped. For those who had long marriages, the adjustment is harder in some respects because they were so accustomed to having each other. For those who had a short time together, we feel ripped all the more for not having gotten what we thought should be ours. We grieve before their death when it's something we expect, we begin our grief abruptly when they are taken suddenly. But all the same, we end up in this same place, missing them, having to adjust to life without them, and at a loss to know where to proceed from here. Just know that we are here with you and know what you are experiencing, it's the pits, we well know it...and yet, yes, we make it through it, somehow, one day at a time, and yes, it really will get better...not as in "all better" or "made well", but as in "we learn how to cope more effectively"...with time. Take care, your feelings are very normal.

KayC

[Rosemary T]

Bob, Kathy, & KayC

After coming in late this evening, (I work long hours to exhaust myself and to pay bills!) I get great comfort from reading your posts. Bob actually made me smile (just a bit and only for a moment but it is a start). I am so surprised at the number of people who die suddenly from heart attacks! I guess I never knew how prevelant it is.

Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences along with words of comfort. It helps to know that others out there are in the same boat.

Rosemary

[Rosemary T]

I have been looking over some of the replies I have made to others and am really thinking I am not being a positive contributor. I read others posts and you all have so many comforting things to say. I seem only able to identify and add more worry and concern rather than any words of wisdom.

Today marks day 36 and I guess because I do not have children to focus on (my husband and I did not have any) I just am drifting (sort of like Walt was saying about the song).

I really don't see how my life is going to have any real purpose now. I go to work, I clean house, I "piddle" in the yard but really....what does all of this matter? No one really needs me and if anything were to happen to me, I would not really have anyone that I could really rely on because they all have other people in their life that are more important. I guess that is the real problem. I was #1 to Lou and I lived for him. Now that he is gone, I am not #1 to anyone anymore and don't seem to have anyone that really needs me; they all have someone else.

It's sad.

Rosemary

[kayc]

Rosemary,

Don't worry about what you post, good grief, only 36 days, there's no telling what the rest of us said at that point! We aren't always positive, we've been through some down times, and you don't even strike me that way anyway. The comforting part will come as you've been through this a little longer, you will, having gone through it, know what to say to people. It's the one thing we glean from this experience, is we know what it feels like and want to reach out to others going through it.

It's very important that you be able to say whatever is on your mind and get it out, please just realize we are all here for you and let time take its course.

Love,

KayC

[mfarah]

Rosemary,

Its okay that you may not feel as a positive contributor right now nobody expects you to feel positive it is to soon. We all understand and know you are not alone we all have are positive minutes and then have our negative days. Thats what makes the people here so wonderful you will never be judged on how you feel everyone knows exactly what you are going through. If all you do is read positive messages here and post your feelings good or bad and it helps you for a brief moment then that is all that matters.

I was reading where you stated you and your husband did not have any children so you have nothing to focus on now. I have now been without my husband for 3 months and yes we were blessed with a beautiful daughter but now that he is gone it still feels like its not enough and I have so many days where I dont know where my purpose is either. I mean everyone says well at least he left a piece of him with you or you have to go on for your daughter and yes maybe I should look at the positive part of it that I still have our daughter but you know somedays I cant stop focusing on the negative part of having a child. I dont want to sound cruel about it and dont get me wrong I love my daughter but it is just so hard having to deal with the loss of your best friend and at the same time raise a child which is so overwhelming not just today I mean to raise a child for the rest of her life alone I just think how in the world am I going to do this. I always thought her father and I would face every obstacle of her life together from being a toddler, to becoming a teenager, hitting puberty, going to college and so on and together we would always decide whats best for her and now I am left to decide alone. I have so many days where I get so depressed and start to feel so bad for my daughter I start to think all kinds of things she will be missing out in life such as she will never know how it feels to have a dad or to have a sister or brother or to ever become someones aunt and have nieces and nephews and what if something happens to me she wont have any other sibling to grief with so then of course this adds more tears for me. I dont want my daughter to know me as the mother who always cried and I really try not to do it in front of her but sometimes it is really hard to control the tears and hold it back she always says to me "mommy dont cry" and if I am not crying she says "mommy crying" just because she is so used to seeing me this way. I do have some positive moments I thank God for blessing me with a child I thank Jack for giving me a beautiful daughter and then on my negative days I just keep asking why did you give me a child to raise by myself if you were going to leave me so soon and God if you knew your plan was to take her father away from her why did you bring her into this world. Yes some moments I can focus on my child and be gratful for having her and sometimes find strength because of her but I want you to know that even having a child is still not enough if you dont have your other half the love of your life. You still feel what is your purpose in this world and some can tell you its your child you still dont feel any purpose left you still feel that you died and left this world with your best friend and now you are just here for no reason at all.I always think my parents can raise my daughter she will be fine without me because the pain somedays is just to much to handle. So even if you did have a child with your spouse that child still can not fill that gap in your life and its so hard for you to fill that gap in their life to now become their mom and dad.

Something I have been reminding myself though that God gave me a purpose in life before I became a wife and a mother and that purpose was me now I just have to learn how to find that purpose again. Rosemary, so just know you had a purpose in life before you became a wife and your purpose was you and now you just like me have to figure out how to believe that again in our hearts. You might not feel #1 to anyone but you really are that someone is yourself. Just remember always come here it helps there are alot of times I have nothing positive to say I just want to cry and scream and you will notice that from my postings I have put up but I know here there is always someone to listen and hopefully here you will start to feel like #1 again in your life and find your purpose but believe me you have a purpose dont give up on it just keep fighting to get there. Also remember something else even though you and your husband did not have a child to share together you still have years of happy memories and no one and nothing can take that away from you and try to find some comfort in that.

Love always,

Marlene

Edited March 4, 2008 by mfarah

[fred]

I have been looking over some of the replies I have made to others and am really thinking I am not being a positive contributor. I read others posts and you all have so many comforting things to say. I seem only able to identify and add more worry and concern rather than any words of wisdom.

Today marks day 36 and I guess because I do not have children to focus on (my husband and I did not have any) I just am drifting (sort of like Walt was saying about the song).

I really don't see how my life is going to have any real purpose now. I go to work, I clean house, I "piddle" in the yard but really....what does all of this matter? No one really needs me and if anything were to happen to me, I would not really have anyone that I could really rely on because they all have other people in their life that are more important. I guess that is the real problem. I was #1 to Lou and I lived for him. Now that he is gone, I am not #1 to anyone anymore and don't seem to have anyone that really needs me; they all have someone else.

It's sad.

Rosemary

Thirty-six days, Rosemary? I was still in shock at that point and barely able to function. Even at six months I would forget what I was planning to do as I walked from one room to the next. I am at thirteen months now and just went through another bad spell which may not yet have finished (one year, Valentineś day, etc.). But I have hope because I can see here that others have survived their grief, even fashioned a life for themselves. Any reason to keep trying, a different one for every day if you need it. Do not worry about feeling negative or purposeless, grief is about you, about your feelings. We are here to listen, to help, to share and to nod our heads because so many know exactly what it is like. And yet each of our experiences are different, as individual as we and our situations are, so we need to hear each others story. Hang in there, you are #1 to us.

[Rosemary T]

Thanks Fred, Marlene, & KC

You all really are so kind. I feel like everyone is so far ahead of me (your time has been longer) so I know I need to be patient with myself. I hope I am where you all are at eventually. I am starting to think that I should meet up with folks like you (grief group) in person. But then again, I don't know. Is this online way of "venting" better or are face-to-face interactions good also?

Thanks for being here!

Rosemary

[WendyJ]

Rosemary my friend I want to add one more thing to what everyone has said. Please remember that even when not just you but all of us post thoughts and feelings that are not positive it does bring others comfort to know they are not alone. As much as we don't want others suffering as much as we are, it is nice to know that sometimes the symptoms others are feeling are normal. You just keep posting how you are posting, we all did and still do and believe me it will help you to get it all out more than you know !

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

I don't know about the in person support because I haven't had it, just on line, but that seems to work for me.

[MartyT]

Rosemary, if you haven't seen it already, you might want to read this thread: Group Therapy

[Rosemary T]

Well today marks Day 40 and as usual I am going to spend my entire Saturday cleaning house. This was something that Lou and I used to do together. He did not want me to vacuum or wash floors because he said it was not good for my back. We would turn the news on and go about our business but stop to have breakfast or a treat every now and then. We would come up on each other and give the other one a hearty kiss on the neck while they were busy. We would also stop and just talk about things and then get back to work. It did not take us that long to do the cleaning, I think it was the stopping and socializing that sort of dragged it out. Isn't it funny that house cleaning (which I really do not like) is a source of such good memories?

A couple that Lou and I were friends with want me to come over to their home with just the two of them for a few hours this evening. The wife calls all the time and checks on me. She thought my husband was the best man in the whole world (I agree of course) and misses him because she would see him a lot when she and her husband went to bowl where he worked.

I am going to try this tonight and see how it goes. We will just have some food and watch a movie together and talk a bit. I am hoping it will be a good experience and that I am not doing this too soon.

I wish I could stop second guessing myself all the time; what if I had forced him to the doctor sooner? What if I had called an ambulance istead of taking him myself? What if I had insisted he retire from the job that took everything he had and gave him nothing but a paycheck in return? I pray for Serenity and for awhile I don't have those thoughts but then "bang" here I go again.

Rosemary

[Gail_R]

Rosemary go to your friends tonight and try to enjoy yourself...40 day's is not a very long time to have lost your soulmate...I know that about the sametime Bruce's brother and sister-in-law invited me out for supper and a movie I thought about not going but the last minute I did go and I have to say I did cry not at supper but in the movies because being dark no one could see me it was hard to go someplace for the first time without Bruce but I did it and you can too. Like you I find the weekends the longset but at the 13 month mark it is getting better...I still have sad day's and these last few have been rough but I am getting through it. Second guessing is something I think that we all do... take care of yourself. Gail

[fred]

Rosemary, Hope you had a pleasant evening tonight. I know it is hard to stop the second guessing, but maybe this will help. When my father-in-law was on his way to the hospital for the last time his wife started saying she should have called the ambulance sooner, etc.. He interrupted her and said, ¨No! There will be no ¨should´ve, would´ve, could´ves¨. We have all done our best with the knowledge we had at the time. There is no going back, we can only go forward.¨ I try to remember these words when I start beating up on myself for things I might have done differently with what I know now. It is only natural, but nothing can be changed. You are doing fine, just keep trying.