Rosemary T Posted February 18, 2008 Report Share Posted February 18, 2008 Today marks the 3rd week that my husband died of a massive heart attack. It was very unexpected (everyone thought he would them; me included) even though he was 66. He was healther, had more energy and was in better shape than people half his age. I feel so guilty wondering if I could have done more. I made sure he went to the doctor all the time and even demanded an EKG the last time he was there but they said he was fine (just indigestion and heartburn). I was with him in the emergency room (complaining of chest pain) when he had the heart attack and I refused to leave his side until several hours after he was pronounced dead. I continue to wonder, should I have insisted on him seeing a cardiologist despite what his doctor said? Should I have insisted he retire when I noticed that the owner of the business was using him as a personal caretaker and emotionally upsetting him because my husband loved him so much and thought he should do everytbing for him (the man had enough money to hire cooks, chefs, drivers, etc but only wanted my husband)? Should I have insisted on dialing 911 instead of driving him as he requested? We had no children together and I am 21 years younger. He always was stronger, wiser, and more energetic than I. He always put me first and made me so happy. The memorial service for him was packed. People actually stood outside the funeral home on the sidewalk peering in through the windows. Everyone who spoke said he was the most loving, compassionate man they had ever met. Part of me feels good to hear it but in other ways it just makes me so mad and so sad because my whole life centered around him and now he is gone. I have no purpose for going on. I don't care about much of anything and am just going through the motions because I feel like I don't have a choice. Today I decided it might help me to post all of these feelings. I have read some of the posts here and I wonder if I will ever feel better like some of you do or if I will just stay in this frame of mind until I pass on to join him. I am not suicidal (I don't believe it is the right thing to do) but I have to admit that if I were taken suddenly I don't think I would mind much. At least the hurting would stop. I think. I miss my Lou. Rosemary T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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