KathyG Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Today I am at the worst, lowest point since right after Bill died. This coming Sunday would have been our 12th wedding anniversary, and as the day approaches the more deeply I'm hurting.I know I've grown stronger and have done some healing over all these months. I see the progress I've made up to now. I've managed to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Bill's birthday - those were tough times for me, and after each event I was able to pick myself up and move forward again.But this wedding anniversary is making me feel like Bill died just yesterday. It's as if all the grief work I've done to this point has accomplished nothing. It's not for lack of trying - I've tried maintaining a positive attitude and doing everything I can think of to fight off the blues. I've even tried to be proactive by scheduling a spa day for myself on Sunday - something I never would have considered in the past, but just something different to try to make the day less painful. But as of this week the things I've been doing (prayer, keeping busy, trying to take care of myself, etc.) don't seem to be working anymore. And though I've found a new purpose to my life (helping my bipolar sister and others like her), it brings me no joy, and any happiness I manage to feel doesn't last long.Yes, I know all grieving people experience setbacks. I get that. And I know I probably won't feel so bad after the anniversary passes. But I'm beginning to worry that maybe this is as good as it will ever get, that the best I can hope for the rest of my life is to reach a level of contentment or acceptance, but never achieve real happiness or peace. I don't feel like I'm saying, "I want serenity and I want it now, dammit!" It's just that after so many months, when other people promise that I "won't always feel so much sadness, and you'll find a way to be happy again" the words ring hollow. Maybe I'm just lacking faith in my survival skills, I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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