Anniversary Bringing Out The Worst

[KathyG]

Today I am at the worst, lowest point since right after Bill died. This coming Sunday would have been our 12th wedding anniversary, and as the day approaches the more deeply I'm hurting.

I know I've grown stronger and have done some healing over all these months. I see the progress I've made up to now. I've managed to make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Bill's birthday - those were tough times for me, and after each event I was able to pick myself up and move forward again.

But this wedding anniversary is making me feel like Bill died just yesterday. It's as if all the grief work I've done to this point has accomplished nothing. It's not for lack of trying - I've tried maintaining a positive attitude and doing everything I can think of to fight off the blues. I've even tried to be proactive by scheduling a spa day for myself on Sunday - something I never would have considered in the past, but just something different to try to make the day less painful. But as of this week the things I've been doing (prayer, keeping busy, trying to take care of myself, etc.) don't seem to be working anymore. And though I've found a new purpose to my life (helping my bipolar sister and others like her), it brings me no joy, and any happiness I manage to feel doesn't last long.

Yes, I know all grieving people experience setbacks. I get that. And I know I probably won't feel so bad after the anniversary passes. But I'm beginning to worry that maybe this is as good as it will ever get, that the best I can hope for the rest of my life is to reach a level of contentment or acceptance, but never achieve real happiness or peace. I don't feel like I'm saying, "I want serenity and I want it now, dammit!" It's just that after so many months, when other people promise that I "won't always feel so much sadness, and you'll find a way to be happy again" the words ring hollow. Maybe I'm just lacking faith in my survival skills, I don't know.

[WendyJ]

Kathy I am so anxious to see some of the responses to this post as it could have been written by me, and I have a few very close friends here is this group whom I know feel the same way. I am so with you on these feelings, so tired after 16 months to be still just getting by and missing my Steve just as much now as the day he passed.

Love You,

Wendy

[karenb]

Hi you guys....

Like myself, I know you're doing everything you can to keep on keeping on. Sometimes it just doesn't work, but it does pass. July 27th will be three years for me. There certainly are times when I just feel blue and lonely no matter what I do to try and help myself - it just happens. I guess it's something we have to live with, even though it gets less as time goes by. We'll always love them and remember the beautiful times and miss those times. I try to think how it would have been if I'd never loved Jack but I'm happy that I have loved and lost him rather than to never have loved him at all (as they say.) Try to take care of yourselves during these times, maybe a little treat here and there. We'll all make it!

Your friend, Karen

[PattyAnn]

Kathy,

Thanks for posting. Your feelings are so similar to mine. Today (yes, fourth of July!) would have been our 18th anniversary. I wish I had never agreed to get married on the fourth of July, but Walter thought it would be fun ("the fireworks will be for us" he said).

But now the fourth of July will always be a painful day for me. This is the first anniversary without him. I have been so depressed the last several days.

My so-called friends (they knew it was our anniversary) have not invited me anywhere nor have they called. Ouch! I'm finding people are so done with my grieving and are now just ignoring me. Guess I don't blame them, but the loneliness just adds to the my pain.

I applaud you for planning your day on your anniversary date. I wish I had done a better job for myself.

Pat

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi, First off let me start out by saying you have many friends HERE who are here for YOU, and no one on this site has ever let me down, ignored me or not known what to say, no matter what kind of day you are having, you will ALWAYS have all of us, who will stand by you and be here for you NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you are having a very hard day, but I do think it is really cool you got married on July 4th. I married my beloved Dan on April 2nd,Dan said we will April Fools them, because we will be together forever and it was a beautiful, loving marriage for 20 years, till he died 10 months ago to cancer, he was only 41 years old and we are so blessed to have our 3 beautiful children together. I know how you feel about missing your husband, I miss my Dan so much and no, it hasn't gotten any easier, no matter what books I read, groups I go to, try to let go, or "move on", as we are so often told to do. I feel like I am just stuck, lost in time and don't know where to go or what to do from here. Please know that I feel your pain and wish I had a magic wand or something to help us all. Back to reality, I do have loving arms and a very caring heart and send you much love and lots of virtual hugs.There are people who care and I am one of them, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for peace and strength for you. Love, Kim

[LarrysGirl]

Kathy, Pattyann, Karen and those of you coming upon your wedding anniversaries, I think the anniverary is the hardest to deal with on this journey. Its a personal rememberance between you and the one you loved. I know all of you have wonderful memories of the years together and for me, I am glad to have those memories to keep with me and I try to draw strength from them. Each of us are trying to come to terms with this terrible loss and time doesn't quite feel the same. Whether its weeks, or months and for me years, nothing feels like the way life used to, including the passage of time. I don't have answers as to when it becomes bearable but am thankful for this site and each other. At least here, we can feel "normal" and understood. I will be thinking of each of you on your special anniversaries and wish a few moments of peace and comfort. Deborah

[karenb]

Deborah....I'm sorry my writing was confusing. The 27th of July will be 3 years since Jack passed away. All the agony of the passing does lessen somewhat in that time, but the wonderful memories of the love we had for each other remain strong. We'll all get through this, and this wonderful group of friends is amazing to me.

Your friend, Karen

[fred]

Dear friends, isn´t it interesting the way we measure our grief is the same way we talk of raising children. First in minutes and hours, days and then weeks, months and eventually years. In about a week I will reach the eigthteen month mark, a year and a half; and yet I miss my wife more today than I did yesterday or the day before or any other day in this miserable time. Not in the same way as I did in the begining; the shock, the unbearable pain, the intensity has eased. Now there is just the constant ache, the emptiness that fills my entire world. I understand it now, I don´t like it, but it makes sense. Just as I was amazed to discover that I could be more in love with her each day than I was the day before. (I am so glad that I had told her this, that she knew how much I loved her). We are learning, as time passes, how much we have lost. KayC wrote a list at one point a month or two ago which captured all of the ways in which we related to our spouses and showed us just how much we have lost. We have this terrible loss, this unmanageable burden to deal with at the same time as all of our usual problems that just won´t magically disappear, and we don´t have that special someone to turn to help us keep going. I can not tell you that it will get easier, or when it will be better, or whether you or I will ever be that happy again. But I know people that have survived this and gone on with new lives, even married again and achieved happiness. One friend I have known for years came up to talk to me about six months ago. I had known that he and his wife had been happily married for years and that this was a second marriage for both. What I hadn´t known was that his first wife had died during the birth of their son, forty-three years earlier. The tears rolled down his face as he talked of carrying her to the hospital, some six blocks away, in a blizzard so fierce he didn´t see a soul during the entire trek. I could feel his pain as he described the doctor coming from the delivery room to give him the news, or was it my own all over again? But he had survived, he had healed, he had gone on to a new life and marriage and found happiness again. It wasn´t easy, but it is possible. All we can do is keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. We will stumble and fall and not make any progress for days, weeks, months; but we have to try. We have loved and were loved and are loved. My prayers are with you,...with love and hugs

[DesertBob]

Today I am at the worst, lowest point since right after Bill died. This coming Sunday would have been our 12th wedding anniversary, and as the day approaches the more deeply I'm hurting.

Kathy,

Last December 3 would have been our 13th. At that point I was only four months into this solo flight. For some reason I was drawn to a fancy restaurant where we used to have brunch on such occasions. I thought it was going to be horrible, but as I sat alone at that table looking out over the city, I felt almost as if Linda has joined me. It was actually a positive experience as I looked out at all the places we had been together over the years. Afterwards, I bought a big red rose and lashed it to the Ironwood tree in our front yard that shelters my wife's ashes. That rose stayed beautiful for almost a month afterwards. ("The Rose" was "our" song and in anticipation of her death Linda had written me a note, asking me to keep a Swarovski crystal piece in the form of a rose to remember her by).

No promises, but can you identify anything or anyplace you're drawn to? If so, meet Bill there in memory and then do something to honor your marriage. It might help more than you'd think. I think it might be a mistake not to tip your hat as it were to some of those sacred rituals that marked your years together. Anniversaries are one of those. I can't tell you how to go about it or even if you should but I'm just tossing the idea out there for what it's worth. It's one of those counter-intuitive ideas that worked very well for me.

As for it getting better ... I think we can know real happiness and peace but it has to come in its own time and in its own way and we dare not make any assumptions about what form it will take. I have interesting and enjoyable work and hobbies, good friends, and a much needed time of quiet and rest and healing. Maybe that will become something else eventually. Maybe I'll walk all the way to the clearing at the end of the path this way. Either way it will be okay. It's certainly not my preference but I don't think it need be sterile or sad either.

Best,

--Bob

[kimb]

Kathy

Please know that im praying for you on this hard day. I lost my kent only 2 months ago. I feel empty, the pain great still. I dont know what to do anymore. so much of my time revolved around of being with and taking care of him we were together 31 years. I thank God i found this place where i can come and find people who are going though feelings like me. again please know that im praying for you and that my thoughts are with you.

kimb

[Dusky]

KathyG,

You never know which anniversary or event in your past life will trigger a return to sadness. Like all of grief there sometimes does not appear to be any consistency. Months can pass and progress can seem to be made, and then suddenly we are pulled back in time by an anniversary, a birthday or a special holiday that we loved to share with our partner.

I am on a nearly identical time line as Karenb – as my Jack died on July 31, 2005. Three years is nearly upon me. I have made great progress and yet sometimes I am pulled back in time and it seems like my loss was yesterday. It is what makes this process so difficult. I seem to especially have a difficult time during June and July, as they are reminders of Jack's last two months, which were spent bedridden and slipping away. However, I also have more and more times when I can remember the good times and pleasant memories as opposed to the emotional pain of his illness. This grief process is such a “baby step” endeavor.

I have spent the last month re-reading the book my Martha Hickman entitled “Healing After Loss.” I would strongly encourage any one to read or re-read its beautiful messages of hope and direction.

I am also reminded of an opening line from Mitch Albom’s book entitled “For One More Day”, where he says, “The dead sit at our tables long after they have gone.” Sometimes when Jack is “sitting at my table” the memories are painful, however, more and more often he now brings a smile to my face and once again I am reminded that ”some people never have this much to lose.”

I am convinced that this is a life long process and as with anything else time will make it easier to deal with and round off the rough edges of grieve - but never totally take away the pain of losing the one I love so much. I believe sometimes when we “fall back” into the more intense feelings of our loss we sometimes lose track of the progress we have made. I know I do.

I am grateful for what I had with Jack and for the years, I had it. I am also honored that I am the one who will miss him the most and remember him the most intensely. I have come to accept this role in life and have begun to incorporate all that he was to me into the remainder of my life. I am living for two now. I still cry, however, I smile and laugh now as well. I believe the turning point for me was in realizing that no one else would miss Jack the way I would miss him – and as a result no one else will remember him the way that I will – so continually and so intensely.

We shared the same intimate nest with the person we have lost. If we did not feel intense pain and loss there would be something wrong with us – or something wrong with the relationship we had with our loved one. I am grateful for the pain – it mirrors the love I have for the one I lost.

I still think you’re making progress – it is just a difficult road to travel.

My best to you – and everyone else on this site.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Leah]

Sending hugs and prayers to all.

[kayc]

Kathy,

I wish I would have seen your post sooner...I'm not able to post on weekends as much because my dial up connection hangs up just when I get started.

I am sorry you had to do an anniversary without your husband, that is one of the hardest times we face. I am having a tough time too because John doesn't treat me with the same regard George did, plus George always made the holidays and everything so much fun...it's just gone, all that I had is gone. However, George is not gone, I carry him in my heart as a source of comfort and strength and I continually know inside of me that I will see him again, and that keeps me going. You are doing all the right things, if the journey were dependent on us pushing the right buttons, we'd all be great, but unfortunately, there is just so much pain we have to go through in order to get to the other side, and it flat out hurts! There IS no way to hurry up grief or even necessarily relieve it. But you have a lot of people here who care about you and understand what you are going through, just look at all of the responses you got! I wish we could make this easier for you. Keep your faith, keep doing the right things, it will pay off. I think your husband is rooting for you and cheering you on, and I'm sure he'd trade places with you gladly and take your pain if he could...I know George would for me. Like Karen, I am blessed to have loved and lost than never loved at all. It's hard to remember that when the pain is so tremendous, but anything and everything was worth the love that we shared...even the pain we now endure. You must have had a tremendous love to feel the loss so greatly now.

Patty Ann:

I blame your friends! They should have thought of you and invited you to spend the 4th with them. The fact is, people get caught up in their own lives and don't think. The holidays are tremendously hard for the widowed.

I send my love and thoughts to each of you on this site and special prayers up for Kathy.

KayC

[PattyAnn]

KayC,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I, too, was surprised that no one called me for the 4th. I have really put a lot of energy into developing friendships, but since most of my friends are married and have their families, I seem to be extra baggage!

The loneliness is unbearable at times and it's hard to see a future for me (no family other than an elderly mother who is not capable of being supportive).

I get through each day, but there should be more than just getting through it. I really thought after ten months, things would be so much better. I know I'm making some progress, but some days I just wish I could be in another time and place.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Pat

[dpodesta]

Kathy,

I wish I could have responded sooner but I didn't have internet access. I remember all too well the days of wondering "will it get any better than this?" All I can say for myself is that it has gotten better. I have found that I am starting to be happy again in life. It sounds like this is the first anniversary without your husband if that is the case than you are experiencing a set back due to another first. Get as many of the firsts out of the way then things will start to look better. That isn't to say something isn't going to come along because something will. But at least get the annual firsts out of the way and then go from there.

Love always

Derek

[mlg]

I wish I had known about this site before your anniversary. My anniversary 37 annivesary would have been 2 1/2 weeks after Tom died, the next week was Valentine's day and a week later my 60th b'day so I had a lot of firsts in the first month. That's beside the point, what I wanted to say is I hope your spa day went well. A friend of mine who lost her husb. 3 years ago would have celebrated her 25th anniv. on July 1st. She wanted to be by herself with her thoughts of Mark so she went to one of the gambling boats, rented a nice room and just chilled with her memories and gambled when she wanted to. She said it was very relaxing. I think sometimes we need to be alone with our thougts. I hope things go well for you.

MLG