What I Would Like To Say When They Ask

[JoeA]

What I would like to say when they ask (every damn day) "Is everything OK?" or "Are you OK?":

NO.

Nothing is OK.

Nothing will ever again be OK.

There are no more hopes,

no more dreams,

no more plans.

It’s not even one day at a time.

It’s one step at a time,

one breath at a time.

For the rest of my life here on this strange planet.

(thanks for listening)

- Joe

[karenb]

Hey Joe,

You're right, the answer is "no." Well, I guess my answer always was "no, but I'm trying to hang in there" - then change the subject. People mean well, and you know that, but in the pain you're going through they just don't understand, unless they've been there. I guess, maybe, we have to help them through things just as we do ourselves. It's a really tough road, and we will make it just a little at a time. Who you are, what your life with your loved one was, how you deal with things - there's so much involved in this process.

I'm three years down this road on the 27th of this month. For me, after a while and the waves of breakdowns diminished, I tried not to think too much, keep my life filled with "something" and just plugged along. That seems to be all we can do. I know the pain is great and it seems it won't go away, but it will diminish little by little. You'll see.

Okay, my friend, I'm going downstairs and make myself a Mexican dinner and sit with my dog and say thanks that I'm getting better all the time.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Joe, I've told plenty of people NO ITS NOT OKAY! and you know what?? they STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY and change the subject. Our lives have been turned upside down, we are hurting an unbearable sorrow. I just can't bring myself to just say I'm okay. I usually answer the dumb question with... its hard, very hard. Keep venting, maybe it will help alittle. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Joe,

I as well have told people that "no" things are not ok right now. It is kind of funny when we look at things. If people didn't ask us if we are ok we would be offended, but when they do ask us, we get offended. What are they supposed to do??? Either way they take a chance of offending us. Basically I look at it this way, they are on the outside looking in and if they haven't lost someone very dear to them they don't understand the correct way to ask the questions to us to try and help us through. I will give an example. Before the birth of my son my wife had 2 miscarraiges. After these miscarraiges well meaning people would come up and say things like "that just means that there was something wrong with the baby and it would have problems if you had carried it full term" I don 't remember if it was that blunt but that is what we heard, and while this may have been true it isn't what we wanted to hear at the time.

People ask us if everything is okay because that don't know what other questions to ask. They don't want to offend us by forgetting all about our loss and not saying anything so they come up with that question. I personnally truthly answered those questions when they were asked. I didn't care if it was going to scare them off or not. What I found through answering those questions truthfully is who my real friends were. Those were the people that continued to ask me how I was even after I had unloaded my true feelings on them a couple of day before. Those are the ones you want around you when those lonely nights strike with no mercy. Those are the ones that will be there by your side when all you can do is sit there and sob. Those are the ones that when it has been over 2 years since your lovecd one has passed on you know you can still talk to them and know that they won't come back with the comment of "you need to move on". They are the ones you can trust.

Love always

Derek

[shhh65]

Derek,

You have quite a spirit about you and I strive to be more that way myself. It is very easy in my grief to be more hurt by people's words. I have been thinking back to the inadequate words I've used to grieving souls prior to the deaths I've experienced in my family. I'm sure I have hurt others and I am so sorry for that but it was in ignorance. Until we experience such loss we cannot truly understand. I find myself reaching out to especially those who have lost their spouse prior to it happening to me and having a conversation with them about how I did not understand and I am sorry if I hurt them by anything I said. So far my apologies have been accepted with grace. For that I am truly grateful.

Sherry

[WendyJ]

I think how I react to that question has alot to do with how it is presented. Some people say "How you doing?" or "Is everything okay?" just like they would say " What's up?" and I don't think they are really looking for a response and are shocked when you give them an honest one on how you are really feeling. If someone honestly and truely wants to know how you are feeling you can tell but if there is a doubt in my mind I just say "As well as can be expected, thank you" or "It's still hard but I am trying " and leave it at that. I think we have to remember that unless a person goes through what we are experiencing they don't understand the full magnitude of our grief and for some, our grief puts a damper on their happy lives and they don't want to think about it so they avoid it. I don't think they mean to hurt us this way they just don't know what to say or how to react. I know my own daughters are so hurt over losing their father but they have no idea that it is different to lose a spouse and hopefully they will not have to experience it at a young age like I did. They have moved on with their lives, they still miss him terribly but they are not in the same state of lonliness and shock that I am in. All in all I don't think anyone means to be cruel, they just don't know how to handle it and the way they do handle it may be just their own way, just like we all handle losing our loved ones in our own way.

Love You all,

Wendy

Derek you know I am always here for you day and night if you need a friend !!!

[KathyG]

I hate being hypocritical and saying I'm OK when I'm not. So when someone asks if I'm OK or everything is OK, I use one of these answers:

- No, but I'm learning to deal with it.

- Well, I'm still standing.

- I'll manage; thanks for asking.

- (shrug) Oh, you know...

I've also used "as well as can be expected" often.

[fred]

Hey friends, I have also responded with ¨Lousy¨ when I am in a certain mood. Real friends will ask if you want to talk about it or if there is anything they can do to help. People that are asking just to be polite, or make conversation will not be so quick to ask again or may come back later when they have thought about it or have more time and ask in a way that shows they really want to know, and do care. I hope you all do not have to use that response very often. Hugs

[dpodesta]

Shhh65,

Thank you, you are correct, when we are so new into this we can be hurt so easily. We turn things around and take them out of the context that they were intended. It reminds me of a post last year sometime where a woman was feeling down and posted about it. A young man replied back to the post to try and help console her but it was taken by several of us that he was trying to pick her up. After several of us jumped in and were saying this isn't a place for picking up women he posted back and said that wasn't his intention at all. It was kind of funny and just goes to show how easy it is for us to jump to conclusions. Then when someone doesn't say anything to us we feel hurt again because we think that they have gone with their lives and have forgotten our loved ones. I feel sorry at times for those that around us because they can't win either way.

Wendy,

Thank you, I know that you and countless others are here for me and are a mouse click away, as you know I am always here for you as well.

Love always

Derek

[AnnC]

I usually find some way to be honest about my feelings to some extent, at least, to say that I'm feeling down, or that I will be okay in the future but having a tough time now. I did get some unfeeling responses at times, like: "He was just your ex, why do you care?" But it's sufficient that I DO care, and my ex-husband's passing hit me almost like widowhood, only no one around me (including my family) acknowledged it as such, and everyone expected me to "get over it" very quickly, since we were no longer married, despite the fact that we remained friends, and were especially close during his final illness. They were all stunned that I went to his funeral (which was across the country). But I was lucky -- I work at a college where a professor who is well known in the field of grief psychology teaches, and he was wonderful to me when my ex died, and helped me find a good grief group to join, and told me that society always expects us to "get over it" much, much faster than is at all reasonable. I took his class on the psychology of death and grief, and it helped me a lot.

I think one of the responses that really stands out to me now, four years after his death, was when a coworker came up to me one day about six months after his death, and said, "Are you feeling sad today?" I said very honestly, "I feel sad EVERY day". She just hugged me. I think that was one of the best responses I ever received. On occasion, she still asks me how I am doing, and clearly wants to hear an honest answer rather than simply "I'm ok". Although she herself was never widowed, she seems to have the compassion to understand that the loss is always there, even when we "move on" and are smiling and laughing again. I never would have believed I could have moments of happiness again, but I do, four years later. But the loss is always there, and always will be. I'm just a bit more used to it.

It's very comforting to always be able to come back here and post how I REALLY feel.

Ann

[MartyT]

Ann, dear, that is one of the nicest things you could have said, to us and about us ~ that no matter how long it's been since your last visit, you take comfort in knowing you can come here and tell us how you REALLY feel about anything ~ and please know that you are always, always welcome here

[kayc]

The night before last I was visiting with my friend, who recently lost her husband, and she questioned me about how I could have any grief over George when I am remarried. I told her that grief is forever (you don't stop missing someone you love that much) but it changes form and intensity with time...but I had remarried so soon (1 1/2 years after) that I hadn't had the time I needed to fully process everything. She asked if that wasn't kind of like loving two people at once and how could one do that? (She was sincerely trying to understand) I said yes I suppose it was kind of like that although the love was different just as each person is different. In my case I tried so hard to rebuild my life, but clearly should have given myself more time.

I was speaking to my ex the other day and he commented on how much our son was hit (with grief) when George died. I appreciated that he acknowledged that, that they had had a special relationship, that George had meant a lot to our son. I reiterated to him that George never tried to take his place, he knew Paul had a father, but he had been an exceptionally wonderful stepfather and friend to Paul and the relationship would undoubtedly always be missed.

I appreciate people that can acknowledge grief, even when they don't always know what to say or how to respond. As Ann has discovered, sometimes the best response a person can give is to listen or touch us...that says it all.

Edited July 29, 2008 by kayc

[mlg]

I don't know how I have missed this conversation over the last couple of days. So many of you have hit the nail on the head, but something Wendy said is especially true. Even now, knowing how the comment sometimes hurts me I'll ask a friend, "How are you doing?". I'm not trying to be trite but I'm trying to give them an opening to express themselves to someone who might understand a little better. Really, let's be honest what words don't hurt when someone is trying to ask us that.

I have a friend who one day asked me how I was doing and she was so surpirsed when I replied that it wasn't such a good day, but that she could understand that. She looked at me strangely and I said that she had basically gone through the same thing. (Her husband had walked out on her after almost 40 years of marriage) So really there are people in this world going through "grief" at times whose loved one hasn't died yet and they have still have to face them sometimes and I'm sure that hurt comes runnning back.

Also like I think it was Ann C said, just because you are no longer married doesn't mean you don't have feelings. That happened to me this morning I saw someone I work with whose ex had died recently. I called her aside and told her I knew that they were no longer married but I knew after all the years they had been married and the children that they had, that she too had to be sad. She acknowledged that she was and said she was so glad that I had said something.

I hope I have helped someone in some way but wanted to say that people don't always want to hurt us. Even I wrote the other night because I had been so hurt and I spoke with someone close to me today and she said she didn't think the person meant to hurt me with her actions but she just doesn't know how to help me and thought her action might help. So even though it hurt me deeply I guess her actions were given in the proper spirit.

Mary Linda

[MikeC]

Joe, you pretty much nailed it. I realized today that when I say "I'm doing OK" I am borrowing a page from my Janet's book. She always responded positively whenever anyone asked how she was doing. For that reason several people were shocked when she died--they believed her!

My answer varies depending on who asks. If it is somebody I know casually or not too well, I'll temper my answer somewhat, like "Oh, you know, I'm trying to get by." or something similar. If it is somebody I know well who I think really gives a damn, I give them the honest, depressing answer.

At this point I don't think I'll ever be able to honestly answer "I'm doing OK."

[dpodesta]

Mike,

You are so new into this and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. It is very hard to imangine ever feeling better. I am here to tell you that I have been there and said that but now I can honestly say to people that I am doing ok, or good. Just give it time and try not to look too far into the future you will get better.

Love always

Derek

[MikeC]

Thanks for the encouraging words, Derek. I hope you are right.

Mike

[JoeA]

Everyone -

Please note the subtitle when I originally started this thread - "Just venting". It's just the way I was feeling at the moment, although to be honest it's the way I feel more often than not. I do understand that it's still early (4 months), and although it doesn't seem possible right now, I do hold onto hope that there will be better days ahead.

As always, thanks for being there, and I wish for all

Peace and Love,

- Joe