When You're Down...

[carrieboo]

Do any of you have trouble reaching out to others, in person, when you are down? I am having a sad day today, but i'm not the type of person to openly express that i'm sad, its something I find hard to do for some reason, but then it builds up inside me and expresses itself in other forms, like anger and irritability. I often feel i'm a burden on my friends when i'm upset, so I try to keep it to myself....

[NotCoping]

You said it. That is exactly the way I've felt for the last few days. I even find it hard to write anything on here for some reason. I've just been laying on the bed staring at the TV, but not really noticing what's on TV.

[MikeC]

That's me, too. I was able to talk about my feelings with my wife, but now when somebody asks me how I am I generally say, "I'm doing okay." - but usually I'm not. It is often difficult for me to write about it here, too, because everybody already has enough problems, some of them overwhelming. I feel like I would just bring them down even more.

Mike

[Jan Thurman]

Hello, I'm sure glad someone else is feeling the same way I have been feeling. That is why I haven't even wrote anything on here. Alot of people on here have so many other problems besides losing their spouse that mine seem so small, but to me at this time in my life any problem seems big. What with trying to cope with the first holidays without my husband of 40 years it is very hard to cope with everything that is going on in the world. We would always discuss everything and no matter how bad it would get (financially) for us I would always say to him - it might be bad right now but we have each other - and now I can't say that and I just get so sad. Also, my 90 year old mother fell and fractured her arm at the shoulder. I could've handled it so much better if he was here beside me but I just fell apart and my daughter has had to handle most of it. She is doing pretty good now and is in rehab close to where I work so I am able to go and see her every day. Then there has been the weather - snow and ice that I am not used to driving in. When it got that bad my husband would take me to work and pick me up. Now I have to get through it on my own. I feel I can't talk to people about how I feel because they seem to look at me and I see them thinking - it's been 9 months get over it. I haven't done any christmas shopping and didn't even decorate the office like I usually do. I just can't. I told my boss yesterday, if one more person says to me have a wonderful christmas I'm going to kill my self. I wouldn't, but you just want to yell at them and say how can I. I made a friend in my last support group session and she called and left a message and asked if I was okay because of my mom but I haven't even felt like calling her and talking about how I feel as I don't want to upset her as I'm sure she is not feeling in the christmas spirit. So I'm glad to know that it is not just me that feel this way. Thanks for listening. Jan

[Rosemary T]

Yes, that is me through and through. I am sitting here now with tears running down my face. I just got off the phone with my mother who is several states away and I told her I am fine. I spoke about trivial things like the weather and what I have been doing around this empty house. I did not talk about how much I miss Lou and how I go from anger to overwhelming saddness and despair. I did not mention how difficult it is for me to try and remember to give thanks to God for all the blessings in my life and the fact that I was even allowed to have Lou for 19 years.

In fact, no one except people on this site know how I really feel. This is the only place that I will "vent". Like Mike I feel quite selfish at times because so many of you are suffering more than I am but I still feel it is ok for me to post my feelings here. I would never do that to a person looking in my face (at least not anyone except my Lou) because in real life people cannot just "skip over" what I say or turn me "off" or "change the channel". Besides I don't really know anyone "in my physical life" that could even begin to understand if they wanted to. I don't want to burden them with this. They have their own lives and issues. They don't need to be bothered with mine.

I sleep alot right now and read and clean and find things to do.....but sharing with others is not one of them. I thank God for this site that allows me to express myself freely!

Rosemary

[marsha]

I agree with ALL of you! I can't express it any better than what you have all posted. Thank G-d for this site, for this is where I come too to vent, and read. Let's make a pact - when we feel really bad, lets not hesitate to come here because we feel we're bringing others down. I know that's the emotional point when I need all your input the most. Speaking for myself (well, who the heck else am I speaking for??), it helps me to be able to reach out and help the friends on this site, even when I'm feeling bad. Marsha

[NotCoping]

I told somebody today this is like falling into a deep, dark hole and just when you feel you've hit the bottom, you realize you're still spiraling downward. That doesn't begin to describe it, but it's the best I can do.

[marsha]

Mel - that's a good way to describe it, that's for sure. Sometimes I dream I'm at the edge of an abyss - it's scary to think of it as a bottomless pit. But I think there is a bottom. Just the fact you're here and telling us about what you feel is something you should pat yourself on the back for. It seems like a small step, but verbalizing your feelings is so important! This is a hard path - I hear you. Peace, Marsha

[mlg]

I'm another member of this most recent club and if they don't take the Carpenter's song that says the only thing I want is to be with you I"m going to scream. I totally lost it in the middle of the grocery store the other day. I tried to distract myself from it but I could still hear it.

I've had some real issues with Tom's family and their Christmas party. They had it catered this year so I even had to pay to sit by myself and eat because they couldn't wait until I got off work. They thought I lost it because he wasn't here but do you think they'd come talk with me? HELL no, they'd rather sit and talk about me. Then sent some very hurtful emails too. I told the one sister that they have tried to get me out of the family for 38 years and they may have just done it. What makes me even more upset is I had bookmarks made for each of them from the flowers at Tom's visitation. I spent about an hour with the lady picking out just the right charm to go on it for each of them and some of them didn't even thank me for them. I just wanted to go grab them out of their hands and take them back but what would I do with 12 book marks. They are the most mean spirited people and are so blind that they can't see it. I was told to just step back and take a breath so I just told them to take a step back and look at how they treat people including their own siblings and put themselves in their shoes. How would they like it? Nobody has said a word since and I don't care. I'm sure the emails are flying around amongst them though.

This has to be the worst Christmas ever. Even knowing he was dying last year was better than this because I still had him to hold me.

I too feel bad at times when I'm feeling sorry for myself and I look at people like Kim and Jan T who have so many other things going on in their lives. I guess I just have to grow up and quit feeling sorry for myself someday. I think it would be easier if I got support from other people instead of being made to feel like a leper.

Enough ranting for now.

[AnnC]

My grief counselor gave us pictures of ducks that she gives grieving children. The duck sits apparently peacefully on the surface of the water and looks calm, but underneath is paddling frantically just to stay in one place. She says grief is like that, we may look fine and say we are fine, but underneath we are all frantically paddling just to stay afloat.

Ann

[NotCoping]

I'm having an especially hard time this evening. It is dark and around this time every Christmas Eve, my husband and I would exchange gifts - just us two; we always made it a point to be at home together.

[marsha]

Hang in there, Mel, I know it's hard. I'm going to bed early, but I'm going to be home pretty much tonight and tomorrow - just post when you feel you need to do so. And peace - of any kind - to all of you posting on this thread - Love, Marsha

[Rosemary T]

Hi Marsha and Mel,

Hope you all are resting easy and remembering good times. It is hard, but tell God over and over how thankful you are for the time he gave you together with your lost love one. I was so blessed to have Lou for 19 years! Just for today I will try and honor his memory by thanking God for giving him to me. I will try and concentrate on that instead of my loss.

Be Blessed!

[mlg]

Hi Guys,

I'm here too. I went to 8 o'clock Mass to try to break up the evening. Did OK until I came home and I didn't want to come in this empty house. Started cleaning some more but then thought I'd look and see who was here. Hope we all sleep well. Just in case I don't get back on until tomorrow nighte, have a Merry Christmas tomorrow.

Love you all.

[kayc]

Wow, you all expressed it really well...falling down a deep abyss pretty much describes it...only to find you're still falling.

I am so very, very thankful for this site, more than anyone can know, it has helped me to be able to express myself when I can't do so with the people out here, they wouldn't understand or care to hear, or they'd think I should be over it. Only we know that isn't going to happen, this isn't something you "get over", this is something you "learn to cope with", at best. I have learned that there are valuable learning experiences that have come from this, but it's been 3 1/2 years, and even though I've learned a lot and I think it's developed me more as a person, there's not a one of us that wouldn't trade everything to have our spouse back for even one moment.

Mary Linda,

I am appalled at your in laws...I would encourage you to place your efforts with more deserving positive people and not bother with them. There is something very wrong with them. You are such a wonderful caring person, the person that mattered the most in life to Tom, and they should care about you for that reason alone, if nothing else! Some people never fail to amaze me. But by the same token, there are others who have amazed me with their goodness, and the surprising joy they have brought to my life! I guess that's what we have to take with us and remember...all those who have reached out...like the people right here on this site.

I wish you all a good Christmas, however you choose to spend it...for those new in their loss and struggling, my prayers go up for you...for those who have had more time to adjust, I hope you find a measure of joy in this day.

With love,

KayC

[fred]

Hello my friends. I also tend to withdraw when I am not doing well. For me it is a way of hiding my feelings, of not wanting anyone to know how down or vulnerable I am. I also have difficulty finding the right words to describe what I feel. You all know and understand of course, but the hard part is clicking on the reply or new post button. This past summer I discovered that it was the bond of friendship that carried me through much of the worst times. When there is someone that keeps track of you and notes when you seem to be slipping out of the picture, it becomes harder to turn inward and away. As good as it is here to be able to write and vent, or read and reflect at any hour of the day; the personal connection may be even more effective. As a thought for the new year, I would like you to consider if there is someone in the group you might like to make a closer connection to and then to act on it through personal messaging or e-mail. Sort of a buddy system. The friends links on our individual pages might be a good way to begin. What do you think?

((( )))

[marsha]

Fred - friends' link? individual pages? i really am stupid. guide me through this and i'll be happy to jump in. Lord, I thought i was computer literate, but I guess that was 10 years ago! Marsha

[kayc]

Marsha,

Up at the top of the page now we have "My Friends", click on that. If you click on someone's name you can see a place to add them as your friend.

[shhh65]

Fred,

I also sometimes have trouble hitting that reply button in fear that I might say something to offend someone and not even realize it. I think I did that in the beginning when my grief was very raw. Someone responded that I needed to be careful how I worded things as members were at various stages of their own grief. No was is as good about beating me up as I am myself. For a while I was hesitant to post. So yes, I can relate to what you are saying. A very good idea.

By the way, I have always felt you are one of the people here who seems to know just the right thing to say.

[fred]

Thanks Sherry, you know it is not always easy, but our words are always appreciated by all and usually needed by someone (and sometimes it is us!).

Marsha, You can also click on your own name (or anyone else`s) and find a page that lists more information about that particular member (you would be surprised at the things you discover and learn at 3 a.m.).

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

I am sorry we all feel so lousy and have to go through this hard journey with no reasoning, no answers and in wonder. I noticed a few of you put on the thread about how you don't want to post because other "people" have so many more problems than losing our spouse/signifigiant other, isn't that why we are all here??? Please express yourselves, vent. post do whatever YOU need to do for YOU for that moment. I must admit with my full platter I am so overwhelmed and have much despair, then I realize although I cannot understand why my beloved Dan died and not one day goes by I don't miss him, he accomplished so much in his 41 years. We had a loving beautiful marriage and friendship and we have tons of memories, plus we have 3 fantastic children who have hearts so big, they just amaze me. We went up north for Christmas and fed 250 people (homeless, mentally ill, poor or anyone who wanted to eat) in a hour and a half. Drove back to Phx in the fog and pouring rain, but the wonderful people I met warmed my heart and soul.I know Dan was with us and he is happy his family was together. I am counting my blessing despite all the things going on, I will stay strong and I know everything will work out.

I wanted to take this moment to tell each and everyone of you thank you and you all are blessings to me, I would not have made it through this last 16 months without you all. I have never in my life seen so much compassion and care for each other as I have found here. I have made many many friends here and I truly adore all of you. You all are my inspiration and joy. Whether we are new comers to this site or have been here for months, years or what have you we all care for each other in no other way anyone can ever understand. I love you guys, with each other we will make it through this, one second, minute, hour or day at a time, hand in hand. Love, Kim

[kayc]

Oh Kim, you are truly amazing! With all you have got going on in your life, you make the time to feed the homeless on Christmas! Yes I'm sure Dan was with you and is always. I draw comfort from my George, always.

And yes, I also wanted to say something about posting...I hope all of you can feel comfortable expressing yourself, for it is very important to! It doesn't matter how many problems another person has, we are all in this together. It is all of you that are getting me through my hard times right now, and there are always others who have it worse, but I personally need all of you!

Love,

KayC