teny Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 My far away friends Im sorry to post this today but I have the feeling Im stuck.I reed every post and seems to me that most of my friends that traveled the same period of time with mbe are coping better.Today it is Yianys nameday you see in Greece we celebrate name days more than birthdays.Every moment of the day his loss is in my mind and Im not ready to axcept yes I lost him forever.Im a mother a daughter a sister a grandmother but not a wife a widow that sounds awful. I never before felt so old.Looking myself at the mirror I just dont see me have no interest of wearing new clothes or whatever in the past gave me joy.Its like my life is going on without me.I would appreciat if some of my friends that have been here longer give me some advise and support. Thank you TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 TenyI'm not here longer than you, but I do have a comment. You have to remember that those of us, especially in the US have many things available to us that you may not. We have a lot of distractions because our kids are in so much. I know you said that you do not have a physical grief support group that has helped many of us. From what I saw in the small section of Europe that I traveled things are much faster paced here so I think that sometimes pushes us forward. On the outside many of us seem to be doing much better than we are on the inside. I know I for one am tired of people saying you are doing so well, with getting on with your life. If they only knew what a wreck I am on the inside. I recently tried to take the next step and go to dinner with someone other than my husband and thought I may have a nervous breakdown so called and told them I couldn't go.Also I don't know how old you are which can make a difference also. The more years you spend with someone the more you could miss them. That is what I tell people who say, he was so young (62). If I had him longer I would miss him even more.Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fred Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Dearest Teny, You and I are on the same schedule I believe, or fairly close. The second anniversary of my wife`s death is one week from today. It has been a long and difficult journey, but there has been progress in your moods and feelings. Sometimes it is hard to see when you are the one living through it. People on the outside can see the changes we can not even feel. I didn`t really want to say this here, I don`t want to discourage those who`s grief is much newer than ours, but I am just beginning to feel that I will survive this loss. Less than a year ago I was pretty depressed, the pain was getting worse instead of fading. I found this site by accident while researching the very term you used for the title of this thread. Just hang in there for now, we have come so far. Don`t give up now. Your own change of mood may be just around the corner. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. These anniversaries and holidays are especially difficult for us. Try to focus outside yourself. Family, friends, work, Church, there must be something at any given moment to occupy your mind when these selfish feelings of loss overcome us. I know we still can`t concentrate or focus at times, but just the activity of keeping busy will help you get through. I am feeling better lately. You will soon too. Maybe not all the time, or even every day, but it will happen. You are going to be okay. Love, (((Hugs))) and prayers, Fred Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Teny,Remember this each of us are different in our grief journey and how fast we progress. Like mlg said I think that the length of time we are with that person has a lot to do with it. I also think that age is also a major factor. The younger we are when we go through this the more we realize how much life is in front of us. I know for me, I figured that I will be on this Earth for quite awhile, (I was 36 when Karen died) it took awhile but I knew that she would want me to be happy so I knew that I had to start living again. One other major factor in my life is that I have a now 9 year old son. If I were to stay in the place I was at the begining that wouldn't have been good for him at all. So while it may seem like I have gone far into healing with my grief it is because I felt I had to. You are nearing 2 years or right at it if I remember correctly. The year leading up to my 3rd year has been a year of growth, the first 2-3 years are the hardest. You are healing and will get there, just give yourself time. Each of is different in the amount of time we need. You are doing fine, mainly because you keep coming here and posting and those posts are one factor in helping you heal.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Teny, dear ~ When you have time, I encourage you to read through all the posts in this thread (two pages): Complicated Grief Disorder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Teny,I don't know if you have a journal that you write in, but if not, you could look back at your posts from when you first began this journey, or at your six month point and see that you are actually coping better than then...sometimes it's hard to see when you are in the middle of it. I am by no means "over it", nor do I expect to ever be, but I have adjusted somewhat...it is going to be different for all of us. So many things affect it...how many partners have we had (if we've only had one our entire life, you can expect it to be more challenging to adjust to the loss), how long were we together, the depth/closeness of the relationship, our interdependence on each other, our own personality, our outside involvement or other interests, our support system/friends. It's not as simple as just a time line.Also what helps have we availed ourselves to...do we attend a grief support group, post here, read books, get counseling, etc. Creative outlet (art, walks, cooking, other hobbies, etc.) can also help us work through our grief process. I used art to express my feelings a lot those first few months, I also journaled in a sense (I had my "letters to George" file in my computer). Talking to others who are understanding helps. I tried positive focus (appreciation for what I do have, no matter how small). Prayer helps some, although I had a hard time with that the first year, my faith kind of returned in a quiet unassuming way, but different than "before". Being open to change is an art that takes a while to develop, and you have done that when you considered whether to be with your kids, not be with them, etc. All of these things pool together to help us in our adjustment. Remember to give yourself credit for the positive strides you have made! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Teny, I have just passed my third anniversary of Larry's death. Sometimes I hesistate to post here anymore for fear of depressing anyone or at least the new people. This has been a slow process for me. I've compared myself to others and thought something was wrong with me. Yet, this is the way I've had to deal with my grief, on my own terms and I can't push myself any faster. Be kind to yourself and take it slowly, you will find your way. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Teny My Dear Far Away Friend, I too am having a hard time, I still cry and miss my husband so much and wonder after almost 35 years of being together with him how I will ever get over this. I have alot of things going on in my life now also that are hurting me a great deal and I wonder each day how I will continue to go on but like you each day comes and I am still here. My thoughts are with you each and everyday Teny, you know I love and care for you and if you have the need please write me privately again any time you want...and yes some day in the future I will make it out there to visit you ! Love Your Friend,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnC Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 Teny, hang in there. It has been 4 1/2 years for me, and we weren't even married anymore, but I still struggle at times. My grief counselor said I have both complicated grief and disenfranchised grief, so that is probably making my struggle last a long time. But also I think I am just a person who processes things slowly. It took me about 6 years to get through the grief of my divorce. It just takes as long as it takes. I don't talk about it with friends or family anymore, because they make it clear they think I should be WAY past it. And it's not nearly as bad as the first two years. But especially around the holidays, or the anniversary of his death, I become sad again.You are not abnormal at all, you are just going through the grief process which is long and difficult.Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leda Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 My far away friends Im sorry to post this today but I have the feeling Im stuck.I reed every post and seems to me that most of my friends that traveled the same period of time with mbe are coping better.Today it is Yianys nameday you see in Greece we celebrate name days more than birthdays.Every moment of the day his loss is in my mind and Im not ready to axcept yes I lost him forever.Im a mother a daughter a sister a grandmother but not a wife a widow that sounds awful. I never before felt so old.Looking myself at the mirror I just dont see me have no interest of wearing new clothes or whatever in the past gave me joy.Its like my life is going on without me.I would appreciat if some of my friends that have been here longer give me some advise and support. Thank you TENY teny, i am so sorry, i know how you feel, it is just awful what we have to go through,it does seem so unfair to us. i have gone through this now for 3 years, but, what i learned that helps me the most, is just what you done, write to us and tell just how you feel. losing that love is so unbearable. but, just keep looking on here, i am so glad i found this web. i have only been on this site for maybe 3 weeks, but, when i found this, i was so glad to find others that felt just the pain i was and still feel. but to know there are people out there who will listen to us, it is great. it has helped me alot, since i found this site. hang in there, we will pray for you. it will get easier to go on, you will never forget the love you had. you are very depressed right now, just keep talking on this site, all the friends here will listen to you. take care lots of hugs to you leda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted January 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thank you so much my friends for replaying.Living inGreece Im not able to join a special grief group cause they dont exist here.Im in therapy but the only thing that helps are sleeping pills and serotonin.Im gratefull for all of you that can be hear for me.Im sorry for negative feelings espetialy for those who are new here..I read yesterday that elder people should not try to find happynes and that have to be satisfade with small every days pleasures Write now nothing gives me pleasure and every day I miss my happines.Maybe the economic situation the fear for future the unstable politics are adding to my negative feelings.Love from far away TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeann Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 I read yesterday that elder people should not try to find happynes and that have to be satisfade with small every days pleasures I don't know Teny but I think... I have found that to be somewhat true for ALL ages. I was once told by a very wise man that the key to life is finding contentment (Ικανοποίηση) ... not necessarily happiness. (Ευτυχία)And for me.. contentment is something that seems to be easier to achieve than "Happiness".There is a difference between the two for me. In my understanding contentment is living life on life's terms. In other words being able to walk through the day knowing, of course, I have had losses and I have some sadness about those losses... but I also can take in joy when I see a beautiful sunset.. or hear a child laugh.... or a catch the sight of a beautiful bird. Sure there is some sadness in me.. but I can still experience some joys. But I must look for them... find them and feel them inside. I can allow myself to feel good and see the better parts of my life despite my sadness.Also I find I can feel a peace with the simple things in life. Yes.. I learned that from my Mom. I remember her washing a PILE of dishes at the kitchen sink ( a job most of us would want to NOT do) but there she was.... humming a song while she was doing them and looking out the kitchen window just enjoying the backyard while she was doing this chore. To me.. THAT is contentment. Being at peace with what is.I have learned I can have sadness and joy at the same time. They are not things that one can feel ONLY ONE at a time. I can feel both.((((((HUGS))))))) to you Teny!leeann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 Leeann said exactly what I would say. I do not look for what I had with George, that would be an elusive search. Happiness or contentment is learning to experience life in the moment...the present moment. When we spend too much time on the past or the future, we miss living. I also have learned to enjoy the little joys in life as they come. Being in nature is good because it uses all of our senses and the more senses you can incorporate, the better (touch, taste, smell, feel, sight). I notice also that when I walk, it also makes me feel better, so if I take a walk in my beloved nature, I get to experience the senses plus the natural serotonin that gets released in our brains with exercise. I have learned to enjoy a sunset, a puppy's kiss, a child's pratter, the feel of cool grass on your bare feet (not this time of year...it'd be more like a snowflake on your tongue ), a rainbow, the sight of elk or deer or other wild animals. The greeting I get from Skye (my son's dog) when I get home never fails to lift my spirits!I don't agree that happiness is not for elderly people, they can't just "wait to die"! My friend Beth is 84 years old and 1 1/2 years ago she fell in love and happily married, at her age! She has a zest for life, she learned to use the computer when she turned 80, she always has a smile, she wears glitter on her face and wears feminine clothes, she has a little dog that she takes with her, she loves life and lives it to the fullest! Ten years ago she lost her husband, the man she'd spent her entire life with, but she didn't let it stop her from living. She sold their antique shop and eventually moved to Oregon and made new friends and began new adventures. She has been such an inspiration to me! When life gets to hard and hurts too much and I am tempted to just give up, I think of Beth and it gives me the impetus to keep trying.Our attitude and focus can be our greatest asset...life can steal our money, job, health, family, friends, but it can only take our attitude/focus if we let it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 Kay so beautifully written, couldn't have said it better except you left out the part after Skye greats you what joy you have cleaning up all the mess from what he has destroyed when you were gone ! LOL Sorry couldn't resist ! Ahhh the joys of life !Love.Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I know how you feel. I don't see myself having a future. But it is only two weeks since I lost my husband of 47 years. I still refuse to let down my defenses. I am afraid to. Everyone tells me it takes time. How much depends on you. My sister never did get over the loss of her husband and it has ruined her life. If you really love your husbands memory, keep it in a safe place and look for places to volunteer your time. That is the best way to go back to living. Sounds corny I know. Wish you well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Ahh but, Wendy, he's worth it...do people feel differently about their granddoggies than they do their own dogs? I mean, he's the only dog I've let on my furniture, I spoil him rotten! He's the only dog I've faithfully walked twice a day too! Donna,It doesn't sound corny at all, in fact I've seen several on this site that have volunteered their time and it makes perfect sense, it's getting out of yourself and giving to others and that helps get our minds off our troubles and to lift us momentarily above the grief. Two weeks is very fresh, I am sorry you lost your husband, and sorry your sister is having such a hard time too. You might encourage her to try this site, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but for those of us here, it has been a real lifesaver to know we are not alone, to have a safe place where there is understanding and caring, and to receive insight and encouragement from others who have been there. Marty does a wonderful job of moderating too and sends us appropriate links as needed. (Thank you, Marty!) We welcome you to this site and want you to know you are not alone.KayC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted January 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 Thank you my friends for your support.My heart lifts up when I read your answers.Wendy Leean Annc Kayc Leda Donna Fred Deborah Mary linda Derek you are all special people.Your far away friend TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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