Four Years Ago

[WaltC]

I'm sitting here at my computer just wondering what my friends here we doing 4 years ago tonight.

I look at my Dilbert desk calendar and see that today is January 13^th with a note that says "45 Mos".

Four years ago tonight I was sitting in a small room in the Hospice Ward of the Hospital wondering how much longer I would have my Jean. About a week earlier I had been told that she had only a "few weeks to live" – her liver cancer was untreatable and the best "they" could do was to keep her "comfortable" until the end came.

Well, I was "lucky" to have her for the rest of January, then all of February, and also all of March. I was beginning to hope that the Doctors had made a bad mistake, but then April came and two days after her 59^th birthday she took her last breath.

I had been her caregiver for several years as her MS progressed and now my job was done. The Head of Hospice told me that my life would be different and he was right. I believe he was suggesting it would be easier or better – but he was wrong.

I am so glad that I found this group and met so many caring, understanding and non-judgemental friends. Thanks for all you help.

Please share your memories from January 2005.

[karenb]

Hi Walt,

I've been here a while, too. My husband died just over 3 1/2 years ago. He was ill for a long time, but his death came suddenly while he was driving home from golfing and had a massive heart attack - died on the freeway. The progress we all make is pretty slow, but I'm much the better for it. I grin at the silly things we did, I love to see my children laugh when I talk about "the silly things we did." I've grown a lot and I thank God he was in my life for that short time. Whatever happens in the future we will always truly know that great and beautiful, caring, and giving love - it will never go away. Bless your heart and thanks for being there for everyone.

Love, Karen

[kayc]

Four years ago is what I have dubbed "before". It was when I was in ignorant bliss, not knowing my life was about to change. Four years ago I wish I could have known, I'd have had him quit his job so we could have every minute possible together before he was taken from me. Four years ago my life was wonderful, the worst thing I had in my life at the time was how to afford new brakes for the car. What I wouldn't give for four years ago. I know you feel the same way...

[WendyJ]

Well Walt I am not sure what day of the week January 13Th 2005 was, but all I know is my sweet husband Steve was alive and well and we were together and happier than ever. That was 2 years before his passing and whatever we were doing, we had no idea what horrible occurrence was to happen down the road. Just thinking about it now upsets me greatly, sorry that is all I can say.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Dusky]

WaltC,

You are the first person I met on this site, and you are the perfect example of the "caring, understanding and non-judgmental friends" you mention in your e-mail. You're a gem!

You requested that we share our memories of January 2005. So - here goes:

We had just finished the last three month of 2004 - months that had found Jack and I immersed into our own person hell - the diagnosis of Jack's brain tumor, two hospital stays and multiple surgeries had left Jack ill and blind as the result of malfeasance at the hospitals emergency room in October 2004. As January began Jack had been home from his second hospital stay for three weeks. Then on January 4 of 2005 Doctors informed us that the cancer was still in Jacks brain. We had thought that it had all been removed on the first surgery in October, however, what the doctors meant was that they had removed all that they could see. In effect we were told on January 4th of 2005 that Jack was terminally ill and that his cancer would kill him - and soon.

When I informed the Chem Doctor that I did not know how I was going to tell Jack that he was in fact terminal - this doctor noted for having terrible bed side manner - gave me a wonderful gift. With me at Jacks side he talked to Jack and somewhere in the midst of this deadly news he encouraged Jack to not give up hope. It was this doctors finest moment as Jacks Chemo Doctor. Jack never did give up hope - but the cancer did kill him 7 months later. That same Doctor signed Jacks Death Certificate in July 2005.

We tried to continue a living in as normal a fashion as possible in January 05 - and started to take classes at the Arizona Council for the Blind - an exercise that in retrospect was futile. I was in the midst of trying to find a movie theater that shows movies for the blind (with verbal captions) when Jack suffered a seizure. It was the evening of January 29, 2005 - and Jack - was taken back to the hospital for another 6 week stay and three surgeries.

January, 2005, was the forth month in Jack and my 10-month death march.

I wish I had a more cheerful version of January 2005 to pass along to you, Walt, but thats what it was like here for jack and I in the Arizona desert.

That's why I try to keep the following two things in mind when I think of my life with Jack and the difficult 10 months that preceded his death:

First - That "We will meet again."

And second, the quotation from Bertha Damon that reads " Beauty that dies the soonest has the longest life. Because we cannot keep itself for a day, we keep it forever. Because it can have existence only in memory, we give it immortality there."

[dpodesta]

Wow Walt January of 2005 it is hard to think what was going on. This was 1 year 4 months before I lost Karen, my son was then 5 years old and in Kindergarten. So much time has passed since then and my son has grown so much it is hard to believe that so much can happen in 4 years. I am sitting here and trying to think back about what we would have been doing but really can't remember. All I know is back then we were a family with no clue what was about to happen a little over a year later.

Love always

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

Well Walt, Larry and I had just celebrated our last Christmas together, then New Years. We enjoyed Valentines Day as he always was the sweetest valentine ever! I think those next 10 months I was going on adrenaline, non-stop, begging doctors, pleading with Larry to hold on that his transplant was coming. He came home from a long hospitalization in November at the University of Virginia and died four days later. They had told him he was dying but he couldn't bear to tell me or his family. All of this still takes me breath away and my heart sinks, as if they must be something I still could do to prevent this from happening. I'm thinking of you Waltc and am thankful you were here when I found this site. Deborah

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Walt,

I will never hear that Elton John song "Little Jeannie" again with out thinking about your Campfire Girl.. your Little Genie..with the heart so brave! Walt, I only hope you had that opportunity to speak with her & your sons, too while she continued defying the odds of her survival.

Walt, I saw your Christmas pictures, & the pictures of Jeannie...your Sons are good looking young men...your table was set so niicely...& you cooked. Still the house is empty & resonates with unspoken words...laughter unshared...it is a lonely house...my house is too. If only I could teach these dogs to talk, & Pat's Cat, too!

Pat always said this to me "It's a good life if you don't weaken".

Vickie

[ustwo]

This day 2005 we would have been doing whatever Gene wanted to do. Most of the time we enjoyed the simple pleasure of just sitting outside if the sun was shinning and just enjoying being together. He could no longer go for walks in the woods or build a fire outside to sit by and watch the stars. So we would dress warm, put on coats, and just sit and watch nature around the house. We knew he was loosing his battle with CHF and now also liver failure. We had won the battle the year before. I never gave up hope but I know Gene knew somehow that he would not be with me much longer. In three weeks, Feb 5th Gene would come to me with the news that the tell-tale signs were back. And June 11,2005 my sweet Gene's couragous fight would come to an end. I ended that day. I'm still trying to find out who I am supposed to be....will I ever be whole again? One day at a time, with a broken heart, but I go on. Gene said I had to accept reality......I do my darling everyday. I miss you every moment. "I love you" was never enough to say what my heart and soul felt....will always feel.

I am grateful for the friends who have walked this journey along my side. How I wish none of us had to feel this pain.

WaltC, I am happy to know that your are well. I too held on to my 2005 calendar until this past Christmas. It was something I decided to not leave for my children to find when I'm gone. I want them to remember the love and not all the heartache.

I wish peace for all of us left behind.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Karen MH]

Hi Walt,

In January '05, my husband Sid and I had lived in Arizona just over a year. His doctor had already a few years before said that Sid had nine lives. At that point he had used up 7 or 8, starting in 1990 with a life-after-life experience. These last 5 years Sid used up most of another nine lives. My son and I alternated between being totally freaked and "oh-well, here we go again."

Sid on the other hand, having had a taste of heaven and given the choice of living more on earth or going on to heaven, was truly almost unconcerned for himself. His concern was chiefly about the worry and fear his illness caused Dave and me. He tried hard (unsucessfully!) to convince me that I should not worry so much, etc. I know that was/is the ideal, but I could not grasp it in my heart.

Sid died on All Saints Day '08--fittingly, because he was definitely one of them--even on earth (well, usually. ) One of the many gifts he left me was the memory of the true ecstacy in his eyes as he realized he was returning to God. He said that no human communication could explain how wonderful heaven is.

So back to January, 2005. Sid decided then at age 71 to start learning to tap dance. We had the most marvelous times learning how to shuffle, step, tip, etc., perform on stage, wear various crazy/wonderful costumes. Sid even went on to perform on "the main stage" in a comedy that had six players. The show had 15 sold out performances. In short, he continued enjoying life as much as (Sid)humanly possible. Our class mates were frequently awed by his determination to keep going, learning, doing, loving, being.

One result is that I was at tap class yesterday, ballet and musical theatre today, more tap tomorrow, etc. My grief disappears the second I'm trying to quickly remember which comes first--the tip or the tap!

Hope this helps,

Karen MH

[STARKISS]

Hi Walt,

I know the day of the week that we found my mom and we tried to wake her up it was a Saturday it was the last day of our vacation... I woke up first in the hotel and started to pack up everything as I started to finish up my dad woke up and we finished the packing and were curious about why mom had not woke up... Dad went over and tried to wake her up and got no where... I than went over and shook her and yelled the word mom and had no response... We looked at each other and said we have to get help... Dad called down to the front desk and they sent up the doctor from the hotel... He took one look and phoned for an ambulance and firefighters came within minutes... They tried for about half an hour than took her to the hospital... Dad went with her and did not show back up the the hotel for atleast five hours... I went and told them that we would not be leaving because mom had been taken to the hospital... I than went back up to the room and had a long cry... I was so unsure what had just happened and what was going to happen.... I walked around the hotel for hours and back to the room for messages... I was waiting by the elevators when dad came to meet me... He told me she was still alive but had not woken up yet and they had a specialist seeing her in the morning... My mom went in the hospital on the Saturday and she died on the Monday following... She did not ever wake up.... We were told that she went into a coma due to complications of diabetes which we did not know she even had... Her body just started to shut down starting with her kidneys,until all her body gave out...It was a very emotional time for us knowing that we were leaving her in the United States and we were going back to Canada without her... She did come a day later but just getting on the plane without her was very difficult for both my dad and myself... Walt I also wanted to add that from all the information you have posted that it is just amazing how much love you and your dear Jeanie were in... that was so special to show with us all here... Take care Shelley

[MikeC]

Walt,

I don't remember exactly what we were doing on January 13, 2005, but that was almost exactly 5 months before Janet was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was probably beginning to feel some of the symptoms of the disease then, but not to the degree where she would start to be concerned. We had gone to Florida at Christmas to see her mom, who was having health problems and would die about 4 months later. Janet was very concerned about her mother's health and took some time off from work to be with her. Janet was still teaching at that time, and I was just starting a new semester. Our older son was starting his last semester at college. So this was the "calm before the storm" for us - we were mostly enjoying life with no idea of the tragedy on the horizon.

Mike

[jackietnd1]

Hi Waltc,

Wow Jan. 2005, just to think back to that time, every thing was great. Our life was normal, both working and enjoying out life together, who ever knew what was to come in just a couple months. First we found out Lawrence had lung cancer which he has surgury and they said they got it all. We went back to our lives enjoying each other, working comeing home everything seemed to be great. Then in July 20006 we found out that his cancer returned in his spine and 8 months later he was gone. So fast so quick. This makes me feel sad just thinking about it what a difference 3 years makes. One moment all is well and then the turmoil started and my life has not been the same since and will never be. 1 year is coming and I am so not looking forward to this so please keep me in your prayers. March 21... which was Good Friday last year.

Thanks for sharing this.

Jackie

[AnnC]

January 2005, I turned 52, and I cried all day long because my ex-husband had died the previous June and would never turn 52.

Then that month my mother was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. At least with her, the cancer was Stage I, and she is still alive and doing well at 80.

I'm just now coming out of my holiday funk -- not only missing both my ex and my father who died in Dec. 2006, but also I spent all the holidays alone because we were snowed and iced in, and Seattle did a crappy job of clearing the streets so I was housebound the whole time.

Ann