First Anniversary Without Rich

[Peggy1617]

Yesterday would have been my 39th anniversary. I spent most of the day crying. I feel so alone. My family and friends did not know what to say or do. They felt that by not mentioning it, it would make it easier for me. I felt that by not mentioning it they were ignoring that it was our day. Does anyone have any ideas of what we could have done to acknowledge the day without making anyone uncomfortable?

[Dusky]

Peggy,

This problem is so common with individuals in our lives who don't know what to say or do about our loss and so they say nothing. They believe they are doing the kind thing by ignoring our loved ones name and we end up feeling hurt.

My Jack died at the end of July 2005 - and our anniversary was near the end of October - Here is what I did that first anniversary. I had a group of close friends to our home and we made some small cologne sashes. We took the rose petals from Jacks celebration of life ceremony sprayed them with Jack's favorite cologne and assembled these little sashes for the small group of friends that were there that day. Then at Christmas I gave many of them away to friends and family in memory of Jack. We tied a little message to each sash along with a ink stamped picture of our dear dog Dusky who died during Jacks illness.

So - that is what I did the first anniversary after Jack died. I've gone through 3 more since then - and none of them is easy. People don't remember anymore - just me. I suppose that is natural that I'm the only one to remember any more - after all he meant more to me than anyone one else and his loss affects me more than anyone else. Now I remember the day very quietly - with my memories - and one of those little cologne sashes I made with freinds that first anniversary without him.

Visit my website listed below - I think it will help you. I also deal with this problem in the book I wrote.

[LarrysGirl]

Peggy, I know its hard to have an anniversary without Rich. It can be so frustrating to cope with friends and family during these rememberances, no one wants to speak up, everyone is walking on egg shells. I also felt they were forgetting or it was not important to anyone but me. My one piece of advice (now that I'm at alittle over 3 years into my grief) is that "I" speak of Larry, I bring up the special days, anniversaries because its important to me. It has taken these three years to be able to let go of the need for them to get it but I totally understand how hard it is for you right now. Come here and share your feelings and celebrate your special remembrances with us, we understand and will remember him with you. Deborah

[MartyT]

Peggy, dear, see also I Don't Care How Long It's Been -- Can We Talk about My Loved One?

[kath]

Dear Peggy,

I usually bring a single rose out to the cemetery and sit and cry with Bob. No one speaks of him, but he is a constant thought to me. It is a sad turn of events that would take our most pleasant memory and connect it now with so much pain. It may change some day. I don't know. I've had only two anniversaries.

Kath

[WendyJ]

Peggy I think they might remember more than you think, but just don't know how to react. Think about something, when you had heard in the past of someone losing a spouse did you have any idea how much it hurt, or what to say or not to say to the person grieving? I know I didn't, I just didn't know how to approach them, even at a wake or funeral...I felt so uncomfortable that I just wanted to pay my respects and escape and go back to my normal life and try not to think about the sadness. I was naive to all of it and just didn't know how to handle it, well it is the same for my family and friends. Some bring up Steve alot, and some don't but I know that they will never forget him and they think of him in their own way and that is fine, they all loved my Steve and they know he loved them also and that is something they will always carry with them. But I can not expect them to know the memories and the love I carried for him deep in my heart and to remember all the dates that were special to us, that is for me to remember only, and if they do , fine and if they don't that does not mean they loved him or I any less or that they don't want to remember him. I myself would like to say I am sorry you are alone on your anniversary just remember we in this group understand and you never have to be alone here.

Love Always,

Wendy

[marsha]

Peggy - Although I can talk about my Joe more easily now, I find that I bring him up in casual conversation almost to remind people that he was here. And when someone now mentions him, it makes me feel good. I can't possibly put it any better than Wendy did - so right-on as to how our reactions were, (not are now) to others' grief. I also know that Joe's friends and family keep him in their hearts, but that ultimately it's my heart that will contain our love and our closeness. You aren't alone in your feelings and your pain, Peggy - it's understood here. Marsha

[JeanneC]

Peggy:

I hope that your day went well, considerdering everything. I do find that most people just don't say anything and I kind of figure it's just that they don't know what to say. Some people, till this day, have yet to even mention my husband, his sickness or his death and how I am feeling. Most people might not agree with me, but I just don't deal with people like that.

My sister-in-law the other day, and don't get me wrong, she has been wonderful to me, said that she doesn't want to talk about her brother or what's bothering me all the time. I don't bring up my grief to her all the time, but last week was an especially rough week for me. I was very depressed and down. I was reliving all of last year and it is not as though I have anybody at home to talk to except my cats (which listen better than humans). But this is what we have to deal with and there is nothing we can do, but go on with our lives as best we can and try to keep our minds on other things. I try to keep myself occupied, but there are times that all of a sudden the grieving, reliving just hit you right in the face.

I will pray for you at this time in your life.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[marsha]

Jeanne - your post really resonated with me. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, but I do understand. On Sunday, I was feeling down myself - I had an idea what was going on, so I checked back and realized feb 22 was the day last year when joe went to the doctor - when his liver functions came back out of whack, and when this year of hell began for the both of us. I have friends and family who care for me, but I am very reticent about my grief. They see me working and going on, they are going on with their lives, and time passes. Only someone like you, in the same position, on the same time line, can understand what goes on inside our hearts. Please, if you want to express yourself, feel free to email me at marjoe@charter.net. In the meantime, know that i'm thinking of you! Hugs, Marsha

[JeanneC]

Marsha:

I do know what you are going through and many many more of us. Maybe what we are going through is actually now we are realizing that they are not coming back. In the beginning, your just in shock and the trauma of it all.

Someone did tell me that if you keep on reliving what happened you cause more trauma to yourself. I told her that I was not doing this on purpose, believe me I wish it could stop. Give me a pill that will stop this.

But Marsha, I do hope it gets better for you. Thank you for your email. Here is mine: jciskate@gmail.com

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Peggy,

No one brought it up to me that I remember, but no anniversary goes by without you thinking of them, so it's not like if they bring it up, it'll stir up anything, they're just afraid of that. I remember someone saying she went to a favorite restaurant and sat by herself, a place her and her husband used to go. I've thought about going to the coast (where George and I honeymooned) and just watching the waves or walking on the beach, and thinking of him. It has to be taylor made for you though. I'm sorry it's so hard, believe me, we all know.

[mlg]

I have just past my 1st anniversary too and am still dying. We here can understand more than most what you are going through. When I joined my grief support group I was determined to let the people there know that they were not forgotten on their angelversary dates so I went back to old papers and found the dates when their loved one died and put it on my hallmark.com calendar. Four days before the date it pops up to tell me who I need to send a card to. I buy thinking of you or encouragement cards and send them to arrive as close to the date as I can. I hope by doing this these people will feel that someone does care.

I know sometimes we feel people don't but agree with Wendy that we forget how we felt in these situations in the past. I know I probably said the "wrong" thing at times but now feel that anything is better than nothing. Maybe those of us on here can each make it a practice to remember those around us that are going through the same thing.

I am going to talk to my pastor about starting a practice of taking a meal or dessert to the family a month or two after someone dies. We all get so much food and end up throwing a lot of it away or giving it away at the time of the death, but it would be nice to have someone think about us a little later when maybe we need someone to talk with for a while and would actually eat something. I know I was left behind for some reason and I am bound determined to find out what it is no matter how many projects I have to start. This will be my way of honoring Tom and I may even find a way of calling this little project something to let people know it is to honor him.

I know that there are days that I feel I will never make it through this journey but know that others have and I will make it. I WILL make it because that is what Tom would want, but it doesn't say that I won't be sad at the same time. I hope someday we will all be able to be happy here on earth, but if not we know that we will eventually be when we are reunited with our loved one. Hang in there.

[mrspapajohn]

Next Saturday, March 14, would have been Stephen's and my 28th anniversary. Since I live in Arizona and Stephen is buried in his hometown (Ft. Worth), I plan to fly in just for the day so that we can spend our anniversary together. I do not plan to tell his family that I am even coming in. They have gone on with their own lives already and I am still greaving as if Stephen died yesterday (actually it has been two months today). I talk to my two cats also, but it seems that other than people who have lost their loves, like the ones who are on this site, are the only ones that truly understand what you and I, and others like us, are going through. Please take care and remember, you are not alone.

[kayc]

Mrs. Papajohn,

I think that sounds like a lovely idea...I have my George's ashes here in our backyard, so he is with me always, but I worry about the day I have to give up my place, what then? At the time, it was inconceivable to me that that could happen, but recent events have made it so that I realize I can't retire and keep my place and that thought leaves me very sad. This place was everything to us. I hope you enjoy being with him in spirit and your many memories will sustain you.

Love,

Kay

[mrspapajohn]

Kay - I am so sorry that you have to give up where you have memories of your husband. I, too, had my income cut in half when Stephen died and I am looking for something that I can afford. Friends have told me that no matter where I go, Stephen will always be in my heart and that is what is important. I believe that and I hope that you believe it too. I will be thinking and praying for you.

Kathy

[kayc]

Kath,

I know he is in my heart...but this is where is ashes are scattered, our pets are buried, where I raised my kids, where all our memories are, where we spent the happiest years of our life, so it's not just that the land and nature are beautiful, it's all the ties we have. I can always hope for a miracle but have to be accepting of reality. So many people are in this situation in America today, even those who haven't lost their loved one...but at least they can go on to make new memories where they are at...for George and I, it's too late for that. But I know we'll be reunited someday, and the best feeling in the world to me is having his arms around me...that's what I look forward to most.