Three Months Sunday

[NotCoping]

I don't know where I am half the time or what I'm doing. It will be three months for me on Sunday, and I don't find anything easier...everything is harder. I'm totally feel alone even if somebody is around and I don't like to be around people more than a couple of hours...

The last three months are a blur. I cannot remember what I've said or what others have said to me (except for the hurtful things).

I have to drive to N.M in April to sprinkle what is left of my husband and I don't know how I'll do it. I'm about 20-25 hours away I think.

People say it will get better, but it seems worse to me. He was my life.

I've felt things that I didn't even know existed.

I just can't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Mel

[dpodesta]

Notcoping,

What you are going through right now is what a lot of us have experienced. The first year is the hardest, some say the second one is however mine seemed easier. You have a long raod ahead of you and for awhile it will seem like it is getting harder instead of easier. Right now you feel like you are in this long black tunnel with no light around you and no light ahead. I can look back at my first year and when I look back, I can see the darkness that was there. It will get better however, it will take time. The first months you are so raw from the whole thing, your emotions run wild and so forth, the least little bit I am sure sets you off either in anger or sorrow. All of us here understand that adn have been through it. April 6th will be 3 years for me and it has been one heck of a roller coaster, I am thankful to say that now everything seems easier, the times of depression are fewer and further between. Jsut keep coming and posting, there is always someone here who will understand and be able to help.

Love in Christ

Derek

[mlg]

Mel,

Three months is a short time to expect yourself to be better. It has been 13 for me and I still feel hopeless most of the time (especially in the evening) I don't know why some people feel we should be better because these men were our lives and honestly I can't see how it will get better. Yes, I'm sleeping a little better now (I don't have to go to sleep with the TV running but that has only happened in the last 3 weeks). I do catch myself laughing once in a while. But the fact remains that I have this huge empty hole in my heart and it doesn't seem to get better.

Is there a certain reason you have to spread your husband's ashes in April? If you aren't ready, I'd say don't do it.

As far as living in a fog, I think that is why they say don't make any big decisions in the first year. I know it's not a big decision but I remember having a discussion about Tom's electric razor and I think I gave it to them because I remember saying I wouldn't be using it. For the life of me I can't remember who it was and at Christmas I had decided I would clean it and put new heads on it for my grandson and I couldn't find it. I asked everyone I knew if I had given it to them but have not idea who I gave it to. I found the one he had before and refurbished it for Brandon, but I still wish I knew where the newer one was.

Just hang in there and some of it will get easier and maybe when we're 3 years out like Derek maybe it will be more bearable. I sure hope so.

[leeann]

Oh Mel I'm so sorry...

((((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))))

All I have is hugs to give you. As I know I can't possibly understand your pain.

But I hope the hugs help.

And please remind us when you are getting close to NM. We'll be going "with" you.

leeann

[marsha]

Mel - do you absolutely have to drive to NM, or is it something you think you should do? Can it wait? I know I'm at 8 months and aside from work, and meeting and talking with friends sometimes, I don't want to leave my vicinity! I do understand what you mean about feeling emotions you never knew existed. This journey is something none of us had been through before, and I know for myself, I get blindsided sometimes. It's especially hard for you now because you're coming out of that numb stage, where the mind protects itself, into the knowledge of what is. Reality. I do now see some light at the end of that tunnel. Keep going, moment by moment, Mel, and when you think you can't, do what you can to get past that moment. Drugs, Sex - I"M KIDDING, GUYS! Ok, a cup of tea, and a hot bath, and for me, getting a massage. Hugs, Marsha

[NotCoping]

Thanks everyone,

I do have to go to N.M in April because I can't wait much longer to find a job (as if that is easy in these hard times). Once I get whatever job I can find, who would let me off for a month right any time soon, and I promised this. I have to try.

Anyway, it's as if the hits just keep on coming. A drainage pipe burst in the house today and I'm waiting on a plumber...on no income, I hate it. I tried to fix it, but this one needs replacing and it's old galvanized stuff. I can fix most things myself, but it's an old house with old plumbing and beyond my knowledge. I thought I had it fixed, but I didn't realize all of the water was running into my basement and ruined the ceiling.

You'd think that these things would hold off on happening during grief esp. when you pray every day just to get through the day and for something positive to happen.

What a mess.

[kayc]

Mel,

Could you not wait a year or so before doing this? I just remember cleaning out my husband's trailer a month after he died and how I was in no way ready to do so, I wish I'd given myself more time, not pushed myself. And if you do feel you need to (you seem practical like me), is there someone who could make the drive with you so you would not go alone?

I just had an accident last night...a bull elk plowed into my truck...it is not covered under insurance as I only have liability ins. Someone asked me if I had a curse on me, I've had so many bad things happen lately...I don't think I'm cursed, I think life just happens and we have to take what comes whether good or bad, no one asks us if or how we want it. I only hope it's not Karma or that would mean I'm a really bad person!

Mel, three months isn't very long, you may not think you're doing very well, but you are doing as well as can be expected. This is the toughest thing in the world, it takes time, lots of it.

I send you (((hugs))) and my prayers are with you.

Kay

[kath]

Dear Mel,

Three months is too early to expect that you should be in an okay place. I repeat something I read along the way through this site...."It's not time that heals all wounds, it is love." But even love takes time. I understand the need to find work and the fear that tomorrow won't provide the opportunity to go to NM. Grief has it's own timetable. It really can't be rushed. Just because you wait until you are more equipped emotionally and financially doesn't mean you are breaking your promise. The pipe bursting may be the inconvenience needed to give you more time at home. It is certainly a good visual to where I was at, personally, at three months.

Take care in every respect,

Kath

[mrspapajohn]

Notcoping -- Please accept my sincerest sympathy. I lost Stephen, who was my life, two months ago. March 14 would have been our 28th anniversary. I live in Arizona (at least temporarily) and I brought Stephen to Ft. Worth Texas to be buried next to his father and to be near his large family. On our anniversary, I plan to fly to Ft. Worth for the day just to be able to talk to him. I am hoping to get some comfort from this, but just going to the supermarket has taken extraordinary strength for me, so I really don't know whether this will bring more comfort or more pain (impossible to believe that there could be more pain). I will let you know how I make out so you may have some idea of what to expect.

I know it doesn't seem fair to have to worry about finances, but I believe that most of us has lost at least half of the income they had before losing their loved one. I know that up until now, it was something that I couldn't even think about. All I could think about was my loss. Unfortunately, since I can no longer afford to live in the home I shared with my husband, I, too, will have to move. It may help to have a goal, I'm not sure. Please let us know how you make out.

[Boo Mayhew]

How are you doing now? I didn't respond before, but have been reading your post. I hope that you are having a better time of it now and that your plumbing got sorted out too. What a nightmare for you. I know that I have really struggled with the fact that my heating and hot water hasn't worked for the past 3 days ... and it just magnifies the fact that your husband isn't here anymore because he would have sorted it out ... sending you my thoughts and prayers, Boo

[carrieboo]

I am a little late replying, but I wanted to say that for me things definetly get worse before they got better...its like the first month or two was a blur, I was numb. Then it hit me, I got worse, cried alot, felt like my heart was ripped out, and wanted to just die. Then I got angry, at everything. Then I got sad again, and it seemed to hit me in waves, but eventually the waves got further apart. It never fully goes away, and there isnt' a day that my late fiance don't cross my mind, though it can still bring me to tears, now its with a different light...I think you learn to appreciate things more. At this point in your life (only three months after such a loss) it will not feel like anything will get better, but you will rise up from this, in your own time.

For the moment only remember how to eat and sleep, take care of yourself.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Carrieboo

thanks for your reply. Yes, you are right ... wanting to die, heart being ripped, but I haven't got angry yet, but my counsellor assures me that will come! Have you tried counselling? I have and really think it helps me. I am about to read "Companion through the darkness" and will let you know if that helps too.

Boo

x

I am a little late replying, but I wanted to say that for me things definetly get worse before they got better...its like the first month or two was a blur, I was numb. Then it hit me, I got worse, cried alot, felt like my heart was ripped out, and wanted to just die. Then I got angry, at everything. Then I got sad again, and it seemed to hit me in waves, but eventually the waves got further apart. It never fully goes away, and there isnt' a day that my late fiance don't cross my mind, though it can still bring me to tears, now its with a different light...I think you learn to appreciate things more. At this point in your life (only three months after such a loss) it will not feel like anything will get better, but you will rise up from this, in your own time.

For the moment only remember how to eat and sleep, take care of yourself.

[Guest moparlicious]

Carrieboo,

Hi, Don't be too hard on yourself and take things slowly one step at a time. I lost my beloved Dan Aug 20, 2007, and I too promised to release his ashes in Lake Pleasant or one of the lakes we loved, but what ashes I have left( I donated my husband to Life Science, someone is able to see because of him) and I have yet to do it. I just am not ready yet, that seems like a finalization and a good bye, I just can't right now, maybe some day. We are all here for you and give you support and love. With love, Kim

[mrspapajohn]

Notcoping - - I promised that I would let you know when I went to visit my husband on our anniversary. I flew to Ft. Worth on Saturday morning (3/14), rented a car at DFW Airport and promptly got lost. I ended up at the wrongcemetary in Ft. Worth. By the time I found the correct cemetary and my dear husband's grave, it was getting dusk and getting very cold. Still, I stayed and talked to him for two hours. I told hime everything that had happened since he left, how much I and our kitties missed him. I told him things his family was doing and even who was wearing his clothes. I wished that I could just lay beside him and stay there forever. Naturally, the tears flowed. It was a wonder that I could see through my contact lenses to drive back to my hotel.

I stayed in Ft. Worth for two days and looked at homes there. My brother-in-law was very kind and very helpful and came with me to every home I looked at. Unfortunately, we didn't see anything that I could live in that I could afford (I don't have much to work with). I was disappointed, because I wanted to be near Stephen, but although I got a lot of comfort at being able to see where he was laid to rest, and the feeling that I was actually talking to him, seeing where he grew up, where he laughed and played and hung around with people he loved and who loved him, made me sad, because I know he can never see, feel or touch these beloved things and people again. I don't believe that I will be able to live there permanently. Of course, since I find it so difficult to hide any of my feelings, I cried in front of my brother-in-law. I know that made him uncomfortable. He just didn't know what to say. Although he loved his brother, he has gotten on with his life, as has the rest of Stephen's family. I have not yet been able to get on with my life, and I know I would just drag them down. Although, ay first, I think I would hear from them often, eventually, the calls and visits would slow down and then finally stop altogether.

Bottom line, I would go to see him all over again in a heartbeat, no matter what the cost. It has only been a little over two months since I lost him, and I still cry several times a day, every day. But, the feeling that he was there in FT. Worth, somewhere near me, and that I was doing what we had planned to do together (return to Ft. Worth) was worth the ripping, raw pain that I felt. I plan to return on my birthday in June and agaon on his birthday in August.

I know that every one is different, and believe me, I never realized a human being could feel pain like this and continue to breathe themselves, but if you could get the comfort I got in Ft. Worth, then it would be worth the trip to New Mexico. Just be ready for the rawness of emotions, but also the overpowering feeling of love.

MY thoughts and prayers go with you. Be strong and remember that love never, ever goes away. Your husband will always be with you in your heart. And it must make him feel terrible to see you so sad.

Please let us know what you do, and if you go to New Mexico, what happened.

Kathy

[NotCoping]

Thanks Kathy,

I cried while reading that. I know I'll be the same way. I still cry several times a day as well and I'm coming up on four months. It's like I'm half a person and I can only get done what half a person could do.

I've thought about the long trip several times, and while I'll dread the drive (it will be sentimental for me as well as we drove it together twice), I'm honored to follow his wishes. I hope it brings me some peace.

I leave in one month. Our dog and I will take it slow.

Thanks,

Mel

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey, are you okay? Don't think I have seen a post from you in a while. We are here for you and we care and understand.

Please just drop a quick note so that I know you are alright (relatively speaking ... I know that you are NOT alright, none of us actually feel OK! It's just a relative term. Why am I babbling about linguistics when you would have known what I meant anyway?????) Am feeling hyper today I think, which means that I'll be in bed by 8 tonight

Big hug

Boo

[NotCoping]

Thanks. I'm hanging in there for lack of a better phrase. I have lots I have to get done before my trip, and some days, I just can't move. Today is one of them. I really don't know how I've done what I've done so far and quite frankly, can't remember doing a lot of things. Has anyone else had that issue? The other day, I knew I was out of sweat pants (since that's all I'm wearing most days) and so I thought I should do laundry. Apparently, I had already done the laundry a day or so before and folded everything and don't remember any of it. I must have done it; no one else is here except the dog. I've had a few times like that.

[kayc]

NC,

Yes, we've experienced things like that. I went back and re-read the cards people sent at George's memorial, about a year later and it's a good thing I did...I did not remember hearing from a lot of them so it was good to know that I had. It's really hard for our brains to focus and I know mine is still not the same on the job and it's been nearly four years.

[marsha]

Mel - every day I make a list of things I have to do - eventually. The first months, I wrote "get out of bed", at the top of the list. I'm not kidding, either. Been there, and still there, to a certain extent! A slow routine, over and over, of even the smallest things, will begin to emerge. Big Hugs! Marsha

[NotCoping]

I totally get it. I have a calendar with my list - shower, eat, walk the dog, feed the dog....it's just so bizarre when I consider what I used to do in a day without a list that life has been reduced to this. When I take my trip on the 18th, what would normally be a two-three day drive is going to be seven days. I'm not used to traveling that distance alone with my dog, so I think that the slower I take it, the better even though it's going to be more expensive.

[fred]

Mel, Take your time, take care and take good care of that dog. Wish I could get mine to help with the laundry! ((Hugs))

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi again,

yes I completely relate to what you said. I have lists and more lists. Reminders on my calendar at work and on my cellphone too.

I can be speaking and mid-sentence and then I have to ask what I am talking about too.

What used to take me 5 minutes can now take an hour.

I spent 5 whole days on my sofa with my dogs and only stood up to pee or grab another coke out of the fridge, or to let the dogs go out to pee or to feed them. I didn't answer the phone unless they rang my cell because I didn't want to bother to stand up. I didn't brush my teeth or my hair for those five days, or change the PJs that I was wearing. Ignored the door too. All I did was cry and sleep and stare and speak to Cliff out loud.

On the last day I thought he'd be getting a little concerned with me by now and thought about what he'd do and say. And then I knew that I had to stand up, clean up the collection of coke cans and overflowing ashtrays, air the house and take a shower.

I've promised Cliff I won't do a whole 5 days again, but promised myself that I can take a 24 hour session like that whenever I want to.

I've also forgotten most colleague's surnames and half of my vocabulary seems to have completely disappeared.

Guess our brains are getting rid of the surplus crap that they hold so that they can focus on processing the horrific trauma that we have gone through - being widowed.

You have the right to have a day like that. Rest, cry and remember how much love you have with him. Just because a person goes (dies) doesn't mean that the love goes. It's still there.

Big hug,

[kayc]

"Guess our brains are getting rid of the surplus crap that they hold so that they can focus on processing the horrific trauma that we have gone through - being widowed.

You have the right to have a day like that. Rest, cry and remember how much love you have with him. Just because a person goes (dies) doesn't mean that the love goes. It's still there."

Those words pretty much summed it up! I haven't been totally in my right mind since. I was totally out of my mind when I remarried, and now I have all the trauma from that mistake to deal with on top of everything else. I live by lists because I can't trust my brain to remember anything. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be right again or if I'll have to go through life faking it and hoping no one catches on and I get fired, etc. I've adjusted a lot to the idea that life is reduced to the "little joys" and will never be the same again as in happy, yet a part of me still wishes and hopes for some semblance of normalcy and happiness again someday...I just don't know if it's possible or will happen. It's like I'm existing and waiting for something but I don't know what I'm waiting for. I wish I hadn't lost my dream job on top of losing George, and then so many animals...I don't know, if I take the time to analyze it I'll be done for, so I keep going and try not to think about it too deeply. Yet I'm doing better than I was the first year and think I have to give myself credit for that, it all takes so much time and effort! I think you're healthier for giving yourself permission to have zombie days, maybe if I'd done that I'd have been better off.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Kay

it sounds like you were very vulnerable when you remarried, and I can imagine that this feeling of loneliness and wanting normalcy could EASILY drive you into someone else's arms. On top of it to lose your job was enough to push you into having a nervous breakdown I would have thought.

So, on top of losing your world you have had to contend with gaining a new husband who is NOTHING like your real husband and having to change jobs. It's so sad that when we are at our lowest and neediest that there are some nasty people out there who will take advantage of that.

All I can say is that I wouldn't want to be your second husband ... he'll have to face your real husband one day. I honestly believe that

I am very lucky that I have Cliff's friends who are incredibly protective towards me, but they live an hour away and cannot be with me 24/7, which means that I am having to think CONSTANTLY, "What would he do, what would he think, what would he say" and it is EXHAUSTING isn't it?

Hugs,

[AnnC]

Boo, you are very wise to give yourself that time to just be. Even now, five years out, I sometimes need a day like that, especially around that anniversary or his birthday. His best friend always calls me on the anniversary of his death to see if I am all right. She's wonderful to me.

I remember going to visit my sister right after he died and I could not complete a sentence. I talked constantly but never finished a sentence. Good thing she knows me well enough to translate when necessary.

I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after he died and had to have a hysterectomy two months after. I was glad, thinking maybe I wouldn't wake up from it and would join him. But of course it was routine and I recovered nicely. In a way, though, it was a blessing because it gave me eight weeks paid time off work to just lie on the couch and let myself be a vegetable. I needed it far more for the grief than for the surgery. But it worked out, since I had been spending all my work time in the bathroom crying, so was probably on the road to being fired -- that 8 week leave probably saved my job!

My grief counselor says that about 5-7 months or so is the classic time that you feel the worst, because it is about then that the shock wears off and it really hits you. Then, it starts to slowly get better -- very slowly, it's hard to measure, but it does slowly get better as your mind accustoms itself to the loss and how to live again.

We're here for you 24/7, talking, writing, and crying were my best healing tools, so let yourself do that as much as you need.

Ann