My Grandma Died

[nikol87]

It was 4/6/2009, i was in the bus to go to see my grandmother in the village when the phone rang and my cousin told me that grandma died.. she died before I arrive and see her and tell her how i love her. She died alone..

I can't think about it, i can' t think that she is alone.. I had her like my mother and now i miss her a lot.. i don' t want to live without her..

Everybody thinks that i'm ok because i don' t want speak about it... but when i'm alone i can't stop crying and the only think i want is to have one more chance to be with her..

(sorry for my english if i wrote something wrong, i' m from Greece)

[Boo Mayhew]

Nikol

I am so sorry that you have lost your Grandma. She sounds like a very special grandmother if she was also like mother to you. And of course this makes it even more painful for you now.

If you cannot speak about it to your family or friends, then please keep coming back here to talk, because it helps. You have to get the feelings out, otherwise they will stay inside you and make you feel ill.

I know it doesn't help now, but I truly believe that your Grandma knows how much you love her.

You've taken the first step - you've found somewhere safe where you can talk about your feelings. Come back ok?

Hug

[nikol87]

Thank you very much for your reply.

She was sick, I knew that she would die and I believed that I was prepared. but I was not finally. Exist times still where I cannot believe that she left and this thought hurts a lot. I believe certain times that she is still there. That I will phone her , I will hear her. Afterwards however I think that this will not become again. Ι miss her a lot! She was the only person i had to tell everything and now she left.. and i' m alone..

[Boo Mayhew]

I know Nikol. Be kind to yourself. Take it slowly ...

Don't worry about your thoughts. It's perfectly natural and normal. When my husband died, I tried to phone him two days later. It's because of the shock (even though you knew she was ill). I don't think you can ever really prepare yourself for how a loss will affect you. You deny it, you pretend they are still alive, you are numb, you also understand it and you panic too.

One day at a time.

You're not alone now, because you have the wonderful people here. They all understand how this feels.

xx

[nikol87]

These days I have also examinations in the university and i should read. I know that also my grandma would want to go well. However today I couldn't read, i couldn't do anything..all the morning I cried..

I want to try, but I can' t. .I feel that I can' t continue my life while she died.

[Limbo]

Nikol, first let me say how sorry I am that your Grandma has passed. My mother passed 6 weeks ago, and it is a very painful loss. I have two daughters ages 24 and 17, both of them feel a lot of grief over their Grandma's death. I think sometimes we do just need to cry. I am older and taking courses at college, but some days it is very difficult to focus. Be compassionate with yourself. When you really cannot concentrate take a bit of time to cry and just feel the loss. I have found if you don't fight to keep control it will wash over you and give a bit of relief until the next time.

I agree with your Grandma she would want you to carry on. I think there are many things my mother wished she could have done, and maybe your Grandma as well. I choose to live for her now, pursuing my dreams, but at the same time giving myself time and permission to cry and feel the loss when I need to. I talk to my Mom often and have the sense she isn't "gone". Just not the same in the physical sense anymore.

I hope that you find some comfort here on this site. I come here often sometimes just to read and hang out with others who understand. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to email anytime.

Take good care

Aries

[Kavish]

Hey Nikol,

You have to be strong just as your grand ma would have wanted you to be. I know it is ridiculous for me to tell you that as it is not easy but we all would want to make our loved ones happy and I think they will live on through us. Keep her in your heart and study for the exams.

Kavish

[nikol87]

Hi.. I had a strange feeling.. i don' t care about anything.. i can't sleep and i don't care if it's day or night outside..

This week i' ll go to the village and go to her grave. This is the only i want. I want to go and be near her grave.. near her..

Yesterday i slept for a little and i saw her in my dream.. she wanted a song.. a old greek song which i didn't know and i've never heard it. And when the morning ask my mother if she knows a song like that, she told me that it was my grandma's favourite song. I can't believe it.. she asked me her song..

I miss her...

[nikol87]

I can't anymore :(

[laurieb]

Please hang in there and we will all help you get through this

Laurie

[nikol87]

I feel alone..

I miss her...

[MartyT]

Nikol, dear, of course you miss her, but you are NOT alone ~ we're all here for you, right here, right now . . . Can you tell us something about your grandma? What was special about her? Some of your very favorite memories of your times together? How about sharing with us the words to that special song? Talk to us ~ we are listening!

[nikol87]

I remember she was always with me since i was little girl. We were shared everything and we entrusted the one the other. She was very proud, she was not opened easily to others, however she entrusted me. Even in recent times that she was sick and could not speak easily she tried to speak to me. I had her like my mother, she was the first person i told everything about me.. and now... now she passed and i'm here hating myself for being alive. If only i had another chance to be with her and tell her how much i love her..

This week-end we hav the memorial for forty days since she passed.. i can't believe it.. i think that it was yesterday and i can realize that she will never be with me again.

[kath]

Dear Nikol,

I'm sure your Grandma knew you loved her, because of all the time you spent with her. A lot of people can say the words, but you showed it by telling secrets to her. I bet she loved having you near. Carry her in your heart. Grandma's are wisdom and roses and fresh-baked treats. They want only the best for their grandchildren. What special things did you bring her that no one else did? (I brought mine strawberries.) Even without her here, they remind me of her and the happiness she would have getting big buckets of fresh-picked berries. They are my favorite thing of summer.

Kath

[nikol87]

Tomorrow morning i'm going to the village (where my grandma died) for the memorial.. i don't know if i can.. i don't believe that i will be there without her..

[Limbo]

Tomorrow morning i'm going to the village (where my grandma died) for the memorial.. i don't know if i can.. i don't believe that i will be there without her..

Nikol, I am dreading my Mom's memorial but try to remember, grief like everything else is a journey to be taken one step at a time. I am grateful and saddened that there are people here who know the path and are walking it with me. Let your Grandma's love be the strength that gets you through today and tomorrow and know we are here to support you.

Hugz and positive energy

Aries

[Boo Mayhew]

Nikol, this may help you a little bit. When I went to my husband's funeral (which I also had to arrange) I thought to myself:

This is the last time I can do something for him. I have to do this right. I have to make him proud of me.

and I did.

You can too Nikol, you really can. It's just that the fear and emotions crush you like an ocean so you start to doubt yourself. I'll bet your Grandmother felt the same way when her own grandma died.

Please post again and let us know how you got on at the memorial. I will be thinking of you and will say a prayer for you to have the strength.

x

[MrsH]

I lost my Mum at the beginning to June and had to wait until the end of the month to have a memorial service due to the possibility of family members traveling. Why is it that things continue in a downhill spiral after something like this? Or am I just one of the unluckiest persons I know?? I am so tired today, worn out and very tired. Sad too. I know that no one can help me but just wanted to write down what I was feeling and seeing if I could reach anyone in cyberspace.

[MrsH]

Nicol, Your Grandmother knew how much you cared about and loved her. That is part of her wisdom. You saw her in a dream because of the closeness that the two of you had. It was a very special love that you and she shared. You should cry but you must now also live life as she would want it for you. She wanted you to learn from her and use it in your own life. Come back and talk to the people here, all of us have had losses and can talk to you. Lots of love go out to you Nicol....From another loss sufferer

[Limbo]

MrsH, very sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about the downward spiral. My Mom passed May 16th, and we are still waiting for the wall plaque to be ready for the interment and dedication. We have yet to liquidate the assets in her apartment. That should be happening soon, but as soon as I realized this would have to be done, I went down hill, it was like someone tore open a wound that was starting to heal. On top of all of this it seems like I am missing her more each day instead of less. I hope the pain will peak sometime and start to subside. I no longer watch the time every Saturday afternoon (that was when she passed) but I do seem to know it on a subconscious level and get very tired and weepy around that time. I still spend time dazing pretty much everyday. Although I have gone from thinking about her every minute, to maybe a few hours in between. We all grieve differently but share a bond here I think. These people are caring and compassionate and we understand each others pain. Sometimes I just read but do feel the need to reach out to posts such as yours.

May you find healing and peace in your own good time and if you ever want to email me please do not hesitate.

Hugz and healing

Aries

[nikol87]

Hi.. I have lots of days to write.. I can't feel anything.. I feel empty... but i understand that something is wrong with me.....

[Carla Dee]

Dear Nicol,

You are such a sweet Granddaughter! I have a granddaughter that is 10 years old and we two have a bond similar to you and your grandma. She tells me that I'm her best friend and that she can tell me everything.. I'm so sorry that you have lost your Grandma and I know you are very sad!!!! I recently lost my mom in March of this year and God knows I feel sad many days also but I take comfort knowing that even though she is not here in body form she is still here within me in spirit.. You spoke of having a dream about your Grandma and that is what I'm talking about spirit within you.. You will always have her next to your side and even though you can't see her body you can still reach out and tell her that you are having a bad day and it's okay to feel sad.. I imagine if I were your Grandma I wouldn't want you to be so sad because we as Grandparents don't want to see you in such pain.. Try to remember the special times you had and I found that if it's too hard to let go sometimes I would cry really hard in the shower and wash my pain down the drain.. The day my mom was passing all of her kids and grand children were in the room- I might say it was pretty full! She was such a mentor to all of us and it's hard to let go but we have to continue on with life here.. I know that mom would not want me to be hurting either.. Her birthday was April 15th and all of us went to a resturant and had a party for her. We even had the people in the resturant come and sing happy birthday and we all wore a big hat and hugged one another.. So you see there are some things that you can do that ease that pain. Take care of yourself and I'll check in to see how you are doing.. Hang in there sweetie! Carla

[nikol87]

Thank you very much for your answer. I think that your granddaughter is very lucky because she has a very good grandmother!

I know that my grandmother didn t want to be sad.. i m sure for it.

But i miss her and there are and so many other problems and i can't anymore... Now i' m crying again, all of these days i cry when i'm alone.. i don t want it because then i feel worst.. I cant sleep and if i sleep i have nightmares..

Thanks again, i needed to hear something because i feel very alone..

[Carla Dee]

Nicol,

Glad to see you back on line.. Believe it or not the more you talk about it the better you will feel.. My daugter calls me when she is sad over her grandma passing away.. Sometimes it's hard to talk about it but it feels better letting it go. Your Grandma and you were very lucky to of had such a wonderful relationship and no one can ever take that away. I remember just before my mom passed I told her that I was scared that I was not going to have her to lean on and she replied to me. Carla, we have had a wonderful life together and some people are not as fortunate to of had that much time together.. Well, that sounded good but I knew I was going to hurt a lot and I do but I know she would want me to be strong for my kids like she was with me. So you see, we were very fortunate to have spent our precious time with them. You are very young and you have a long life ahead of you. I was just about your age - I think when my Grandma died and I was so mad at myself because I hadn't taken time to go and see her before she passed. I had to let go of that guilt and remember the good memories of her. Playing cards together, rock hunting, cooking and going sight seeing. I still love rocks and cards to this day.. When I was going thru some of my moms things I found three pairs of her glasses she used to wear and a poem she wrote three days before she passed. I put them together in a picture box and I have them hanging in one of my rooms here at home. Even sometimes food odors such as Pancakes, indian fried bread and homemade bread make me think of her and smile.. Maybe you have to take baby steps and reaching out here is part of that.. If you have a friend, sister or cousin that you could lean on that is helpful too. Hang in there sweetie and I hope to hear from you soon.. Carla

[nikol87]

Hi.. it s midnight here in Greece and i m thinking that in 3 days will be 2 months since my grandma left.. 2 months.. i can t believe it.. i think that it was yesterday.. i have pictures in my mind from the funeral.. the grave.. i can't believe it..