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This is shyman I am still trying to get over my brother Glenn"s death (as posted in behaviors section), then yesterday my beatiful Wife Tanya passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack at age 35.

Today I had to start making funeral arrangements it was very hard to do but I got through it. My family have been so wonderfull I couldn"t have done it without them.Tanya was my first Girlfriend and the first and only girl I kissed, I will miss her dearly. I really dont know how to feel still to new and in shock, off to see a counsellor tomorrow hope it helps, I have been with Tan for 15yrs .

Thats all I can put in at the moment other than its real quiet here we never had kids just dogs.Shyman Australia

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I am so very sorry for your loss......I am relatively new here however there is a tremendous amount of support and I hope you keep coming back to share. I will be here praying for you as you go through these next few days. I too have found a grief counselor and it has helped a lot so I hope it does you. Please accept my sincerest condolences for the loss of your wife. Take it slow, keep in in today, and know where here for you

laurie

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Dear Shyman,

That is a horrible shock to lose your wife so suddenly. It will no doubt bring up emotions and thoughts of Glenn. I don't think it is by chance that you found us before your wife passed. It is good here and there are many that can relate entirely to what you are going through.

I am so very sorry you have to go through this. You are in my prayers.

Kath

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My heart bleeds for you, Shyman. I cannot imagine the loss of your wife after that of your brother. I, myself, am facing my own double whammy, and I feel I can somehow feel your anger, rage and anguish, but I stress the somehow, as each of us has a different journey wiith different stops on the way.

But what I can assure you is the healing touch of the words that the people on this forum offer. My suggestion ... allow yourself to be surrounded by the great love and caring present here. Believe me, if you give them time, they will work their magic on you!

I wish you tranquility ... in some form ... and much love.

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Shyman, I'm so sorry to learn this tragic news ~ I hope you know that you have our deepest sympathy, our compassion and our companionship as you work your way through the difficult days ahead.

As others have noted, it's good that you've found us, and I hope you will continue to use this forum to express and work through all your feelings about all of this. Given what you've already shared about your experience in the aftermath of your brother's horrific death so many years ago, I want to share some thoughts with you.

Clearly you had very little if any information, comfort and support available to you in the weeks, months and years following your brother's death, and in essence you were left to struggle through that traumatic loss all alone. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you, and how much you must be dreading what lies before you now, in the aftermath of your wife's sudden, unexpected death.

I want to gently suggest to you that you have before you an opportunity to "do" your grief differently this time. It's good to know that your family is there to support you now ~ but be aware that, for most of us, friends, family, neighbors and co-workers are finished with our grief long before we are finished with our own need to talk about it – and unexpressed feelings can become distorted. That’s why it’s so important to find an understanding, nonjudgmental listener with whom we can openly acknowledge our feelings and experiences, express and work through our pain, and come to terms with our loss. Oftentimes friends and family aren’t as available as we need them to be – and sometimes our needs simply exceed their capacity to help.

The good news is that there are others “out there” who stand ready to help! You’ve already found one source of help which was not available to you many years ago: posting in this forum, which gives you an outlet for all those feelings and a place to discharge some of that negative energy. This sort of outlet did not exist back when your brother died. Coming to a place like this helps you see that you are not alone; as you read the stories of others, you come to realize how so many of us are embarked upon our own journey of grief, traveling along that very same path that you are on right now – and sometimes you discover ideas that may help to ease your own journey a bit.

Painful and difficult as this is, my friend, you are not condemned to repeat the same years of suffering you experienced following the death of your brother. Depending on how it is managed this time, your grief can be for you a natural process that eventually leads to healing and personal growth.

Promise yourself that you will do it differently this time. This time, resolve to take care of yourself by getting enough nourishment, relaxation, rest and exercise. This time, arm yourself with an understanding of grief, learn what feelings and experiences you can normally expect, and discover what you can do to manage your own reactions. And know that as you face the difficult days ahead, you are not alone. This time, we are, every one of us, thinking of you and holding you in our collective heart.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Shyman - - I am so sorry to hear of your great loss. In fact two great losses coming so close together. You must be numb, especialy since being with Tanya since high school. Just try to get through the next few days the best you can. My husband and I had no children either - - just cats and it is still hard to come back to an empty house. After a while, I got to actually feel Stephen in my heart, so I did not feel so alone any more. It took awhile, but I am better now that I know Stephen is always with me. I hope that eventually you will get that same kind of peace - - not everyday, but most days. I know you have some very hard days to go through until you get there. There will be times when you may think that you are going crazy. You're not. I know that I went through just about every emotion known to man. Please c ome back to this site when you can. You will find much understanding and support here.

Kathy

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Shyman, I am so so sorry ... please keep posting here, it helps so much. I'm sending you a huge hug and wishing you strength for the time ahead. Accept help whenever it is offered in these early days, be kind to yourself, don't push yourself too hard too soon, try to eat a little even if it's just a slice of toast, sleep whenever you can. Be with those who love you.

I am so sorry.

x

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Shyman,

I am sorry you have occasion to be here...first for your brother, and now for your wife, but I am glad you found this site, there are people here you can relate to. This is like a family, we help each other through it all.

I hope you get help through your grief counselor, it's important to get it all out and express yourself.

We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers,

Kay

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank-you all for your kind words, sorry its taken so long to reply but ive been real busy with arrangements & my computer had a virus.

Kath I think you were right about finding this sight as my Tanny found it for me not long before she passed. I have been up & down like a yo-yo everyone says I am doing real well & being brave I dont know how I am doing it. I always feel sad as Tan & I have never spent any time apart its so lonely I really dont know what to do with myself, just taking one day at a time. My family have been wonderful i"m moving back with parents for a while as I just cant live at my old house anymore she is supposed to be there to.Should be starting work again soon maybe that will help keep my mind on other things. Counsellor has been helpfull telling me what i feel is normal (well normal sucks & I hate it, as you all will know) thats all for now thanks again for your support. Shyman Australia

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Shyman,

Glad you are still coming here. The adjustment is hard, but it sounds like you are doing what you can, I'm glad you have your parents. Keep coming here, it helps.

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Shyman:

I don't know how many times my response (sometimes unsolicited response) to my husband's death was "This REALLY sucks donkeys."

I have just been with my family for the last 2 weeks (I should have been home tonight, but am staying at my brother's for an extra couple of days due to car trouble). It has been very comforting! In fact, one day I just woke up and said to myself "We (our 6 month old daughter and I) need to go on a road trip." I had been planning to go visit my family, but was going to fly. But driving the 16 or so hours was wonderful. And after my husband's memorial out on the west coast where we lived for the past 15 years (his funeral was back east where he grew up), we will be going back to spend time with our in-laws (particularly his mom, as she is having a very tough time). For me, spending time with family has been of great help. And I think it helps them, too.

Keep on writing. I know I have found this forum to be a place of solace (tomorrow, it will be 8 weeks since Scott became a guardian angel to myself and our daughter).

Take care,

Korina

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