Fragility

[Fredzgirl]

Yesterday I was thinking I had really made progress. I was very productive at work, got my 30 minutes of cardio in ... life was looking up. That lasted until I opened the mail and found a Hospice survey. Boom ... I was back in despair and tonight I barely have the energy to leave my chair. The questions they were asking regarding their services brought up confusion and some anger. Fred was only in Hospice care for about 5 hours before he died. The Hospice team didn't explain things to me. Did the pain medication and the patch that they put on his chest make him more comfortable or hasten his death?!? If I hadn't agreed to Hospice, would he have lived a few hours longer, a day, week?

Once Fred was trasfered from ICU to a room with a view (Hospice), he and I were alone most of the time. No one checked on us after the first hour. Even when he stopped breathing, it took 20 minutes to get a nurse and doctor to come to the room to confirm that he was gone. I could come up with excuses for the Hospice team but I don't want to.

It's only 7 weeks out and I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm ok. I'm tired of taking care of the dogs. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere with a blanket over my head.

And while I'm complaining ... I want to dream of Fred. I wonder why I just can't at least see him in my dreams.

[mlg]

I too would like a dream. In 19 mos I had a sort of "fog" in one dream and a MEAN who I think was Tom in another and he was never mean. I guess if I can't have a good dream I don't want one. I guess I'm just picky.

I don't think Hospice was neglecting you. I think that you just did not get the full benefit because they waited too late to put you in it which is done more often that not. They were trying to give you quality time together because they felt the end was near and that you might need that special time.

I don't mean to sound mean but you will probably have more of these days that hit you in the gut and send you falling back into the hell hole of grief.

Just hang in there.

[Boo Mayhew]

Fredzgirl, it's the little things. It's always the little things that can bring us to our knees. (Such as a letter). The other evening I stood howling very loudly in my kitchen because I opened a cupboard and looked at a can of tomatoes which Cliff had bought and it almost gave me a physical jolt of pain.

It will pass. Be still and let it pass. As Mary Linda says, this happens again (and again) but after a while it resembles riding a wave when it happens. Sometimes it is a tsunami, sometimes only a ripple ... sometimes you ride the crest and sometimes you are gulping for air. We are all navigating towards calmer seas but aren't sure when we will get there, or which route we will take.

We are here with you, please keep posting, especially when you feel like this because it helps enormously.

xx

[Korina]

It definitely is those little things. I just ventured into some of Scott's clothes. It was a crumpled up kleenex in his jacket pocket that socked it to me.

And I, too, would like to dream of him. I am going to keep asking and praying for the night that I do.

Love and hugs,

Korina

[JeanneC]

Hi Fredzgirl:

There is always some little thing that triggers despair. Some item you found of theirs or a song you hear or whatever. But your loss is at its early stages not that mine is very far gone. Seven week is a very short time since you lost your husband. There are going to be many things that you come across that will hit you like a ton of bricks.

I remember talking about this in another post. I remember Boo saying that she could come to clean a mustard smear in her fridge and I could not through out an old onion still in the fridge

I did dream of Alex only once and it was very real.

Do you ever have a fantasy. I have one that sometimes I think that maybe I am the one that wound up getting seriously sick and I am now in another demention and I will wake up from a coma in a hospital and find Alex right there waiting for me. Just like I was for him. I wish that with all my heart.

We might never get over this. My mom is dead 30 years. About a week ago I found one of her favorite pens. Maybe I got more emotional because now Alex is gone, but it got me very upset.

Maybe if you relax and not think about anything, you will dream of him.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

I am told we all dream but some remember their dreams and some do not...it has to do with sleep patterns. I only had one dream of George and it was in the first year, I have no idea why I didn't have more.

About the hospice survey, fill it out and state what you told us. If you feel they could have been more helpful, tell them that and tell them why...that is what they are looking to find out.

I'm sorry you feel it set you back some or stirred stuff up, that seems to be the way of it...two steps backwards, three steps forward, but you have to remember the ultimate progression is forward, even when we are set back some.

Take care,

Kay

[kath]

Fredzgirl,

I went through the same thing when I received a notice of a memorial service at the hospital where Bob died. It was a big hospital in the cities and he'd only been there a week, so I didn't participate. I was really angry that they would suggest something so personal when I held them responsible. Looking back, I needed someone to be held accountable because the shock was just too great.

And I can relate with you saying, "It's only 7 weeks out and I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm ok. I'm tired of taking care of the dogs. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere with a blanket over my head." It is only 7 weeks when it must feel like forever. Be patient with yourself and curl up in that corner when you need to. The dogs can join you for a little while.

[laurieb]

Fredzgirl

I find it amaing that you can even open mail! be kind to yourself. This is a rollercoaster that we all wish we could get the HELL off!! I want to wake up to Scott and my life back. I want to stop feeling like this 500lb suite of grief that I carry around every second of everyday is off me! I want to stop feeling like my daily activities is like climbing mount rushmore!!! Your grief is so fresh and new and you are doing such amazing things already. I just found a lady that makes bears out of old clothing of our loved one and I am going to do that for my boys.

My husband has been gone for 23 weeks and his favorite soup is still in the cabinet, his powered creamer is right next to the coffee, and his toothbrush still in the draw in the bathroom...not yet for me... I can clean, take care of this big house, work full time, take care of my boys and our cars but there are some things I just cant do yet and I have heard on this site that, that is ok!!

thank you for sharing, you share so much of all our feelings.

laurie

[lostluv]

Fredzgirl,

First of all...what a beautiful picture! They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What a treasure.

Isn't it strange how you think that you are doing so good then "Wham", something comes and knocks your feet out from under you. I spent all of last weekend doing all of my neglected yard work. I mowed, weed whacked, trimmed three trees,and got out the blower and cleaned it all up. Four hours later, I went in my house, sit in the AC with some cold water and started crying. I didn't even open a letter or get a bad phone call. I have no idea why I lost it. Maybe it was the silence...maybe it was doing all the things that we always did together.... Maybe it was that for a while I felt "normal". I don't know. All that I know is that I couldn't stop.

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with hospice. I had my husband in our home the last 6 mos...hospice the last 3-4 weeks. I sometimes got frustrated, but think that is the nature of things. I wanted them there as little as possible. I got tired of people telling me that my husband was going to die any day. But that is just me. I constantly question every decision I ever made concerning his care and all the what ifs. I did get one of those forms to fill out from hospice shortly after my husband passed away. I threw it away. Not out of anger...I just couldn't do it.

All that I want is my husband back too. ...even if in a dream. Its been almost 4 mos and I am only recently starting to have dreams with him in it. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one. I felt a lot of guilt about it the first few months. He was all that I thought about...why wasn't he in my dreams. The last dream "that I was able to remember" he asked me to call a dr because he wasn't feeling good. I told him that I would, but then remembered that I already had. I layed down by him in bed and had to tell him what had happened...that we hadn't been able to fix it. I woke up crying. Kind of like I am now just remembering it.

Maybe someday all the dreams will be sweet. Thats what I hope for anyway. A day when there are more happy moments than sad. I know that that is what they would want for us too.

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope that today is better.

[Mrs. B]

Fredzgirl, You dont have to say your fine or doing ok. When they asked me if i was ok i said no im not. I wasnt lieing. Cause i wasnt. I to want to dream of my spouse and i havent. I know i dream but dont remeber them . I am totally exhausted in the morning and sleep as soon as i get home from work. My couslor told me to put a book beside my bed and if i remeber my dreams to write them down. She says that it may be something that my spouse is trying to help me with. I beleive her and in this but i must not be open enough in my sleep to dream about him yet. It will come becasue i use to dream about him when he was alive and sometime whack him and wake him up and hed says what i do this time lol.... I cried when i was doing yard work casue that is something we did together and i got mad when i couldnt move something casue that is what he was supposed to do. when I got mail that said he no longer had to make child support payments... Duh Roller coaster yes just when i think its starting to turn around something comes up that kicks me in the a**. We have a tree memorial planting coming up and I am going to it. I even gave the letter to his family to ask them if they wanted to come. Even though they are pissing me off. Like they have did a 180 turn on me. Made me feel not part of the family. I know we werent married but i looked after there son for 15 years and there grand daughter to. I have to go through his office and come across little notes i wrote to him on his cigeratte packages. I miss him so much. I keep waiting to feel a sign from him. But i havent. Maybe thats strange but i beleive he will casue we had made a pack of sorts. Take care . Brenda

[Maryo]

Fredzgirl,

It will get better. I has been a little over a year for me. My dreams at first were upsetting but now when I dream and do see my husband I try to see if there is a hidden meaning. Some times they make no sense and sometimes I think he might be trying to guide me. Lots of times I know I have had a dream but can't remember what or who was in them.

I still cry, but I feel better after. When my husband was in ICU they would not always let me see him.

I also have keep a few articles of clothing that mean something to me.

Tomorrow is my 55th birthday and my official retirement day from work. It's a bitter sweet day but I am going to spend it with my daughter.

Take your time with everything and have as many naps as possible. Praise yourself at the end of each day. You will discover you can do things you never thought you could. That always helped me.

Life will be hard for a while, but the hurt will not be as strong as it is in the early stages. And the love is always there.

Take care.

Mary Lou