Scared

[NotCoping]

Ever since my grandfather died, I seem to have gotten worse in my process. It's what I can only describe as a downward spiral. I'm scared that things are going to get even worse because I'm crying a lot more in the last month or so, and I realized today that last year on this day, my husband and I and our puppy were in the Rockies enjoying the cool weather and Lake Dillon. He wasn't well by any means at the time, but I just thought we'd get home and patch him up again as we'd done many times before. Now, on Sept. 19th, I have his birthday to remember and our anniversary on Oct. 3 and then that horrible day last year - Dec. 1 coming up, plus the holidays once again. Last Thanksgiving, they had to remove his wedding band at the hospital. I still wear it around my neck and have never taken it off.

His family and most of his friends have all deserted me. His friend is holding a memorial in L.A. since his kids never did (like they were supposed to) and I found out everyone (I think) was invited except me. When I protested, I was told it was just a few of the guys getting together for a beer, and not really a memorial. I was asked for an email list; I sent it and asked to be cc'ed in on it, but alas it was sent out without me on it. I was so angry because I was the one here through all of his illness; no one else was. I was the one who held him up....no one else did. When someone finally forwarded it to me, I seemed to be the only one missing.

I'm trying my best just to let it go because I know it's toxic, and I know exactly what Bob would say, but I can't type what he would say here. I know that he always reminded me that "we are our family now", and I keep saying that to myself.

I still don't have a job and the money is running out and the stress is difficult. I've been looking at houses that I could buy for less expensive than this one, but this was our home...our only home, and I don't think I'm ready.

I'm fighting as hard as I can to pull myself up, and I need your prayers. Thanks for listening.

[JeanneC]

Hi Notcoping:

I am sorry that things are not good for you right now. Is there any reason you could think of that his family and friends have deserted you? I think most people just don't want to deal with grieving people. It's too much of a burden for them. Or I find that they make you feel that you should grieve forever. They act like they care, but then they give you that sympathy act and say things like: "Oh things will get better and "You never know you might meet someone" As if meeting someone will make everything go away.

I am starting to notice that in my present job, which I happen to love and they have been wonderful to me during Alex's illness, that I am treated not like an outcast, but in a different class. There are a few that have recently got engaged, married, and had children. Now, Alex and I have never had any kids, but I sure know something about being engaged and being married. I was for 20 years. And in my heart I am still married and still wear my rings. They will ask me what I have planned for the weekend and say things like: "I know it is difficult being alone" and so on and so on.

I am sorry that this his happening to you and you are left out. You should just forget about all the people that bring you down and think about yourself and start making yourself happy. I have started to do that. I don't act anymore like I am a poor sole and have nobody. If someone asks me how I am doing. I say I am doing great. Even though deep down I know that I am not doing great, but if I keep telling myself I am, things might change for the better.

Hang in there and know that we are here for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[lostluv]

Hi, I'm new at this. My husband of five years passed away on May 5 of this year. Everyone tells me that it will get easier, but so far it is harder every day. I have read a few of the posts on this site and its amazing how similar all of the emotions and experiences are to my own. Feeling lost, confused, scared, abandoned and such unbearable grief. On top of all of that, life goes on and so do the bills. I feel overwhelmed with it all and it seems like you are all by yourself. All of the people who promised you that they would be there have disapeared back into their own safe worlds. I guess in a way, I can't blame them for that. I wish that I could disapear into a safe world too. My husband didn't have life insurance, so I am left with a mountain of bills and no motivation to do all that I have been left to do.

[NotCoping]

Lostluv,

Mary Linda was the first to respond to me when I first joined less than two weeks after losing my husband. She wrote the following and I've found it to be so true. For me, I have managed to come to a point where I could do all of the things I need to do - at first I could barely move - this went on for three months or so; lately I feel that with the surprise upcoming "not so memorial", an additional death in the family, and all of the anniversaries coming up, I'm back to square one. I've learned that grief isn't something where there are set stages that you go through until you reach the last one; you go back through stages that you thought you were finished with and they hit you out of the blue. I went through and still go through a lot of anger at the total lack of respect from his family. Here is Mary Linda's original response. I almost have it memorized, and for weeks after she wrote it, I repeated lines back to myself every day just to get through them.

Right now you just exist. You eat, drink and sleep and just make it through a day. Then you wake the next morning and start all over.

In the near future you're going to have to put some things in order. You will have to pay bills, buy groceries,etc. You just do what makes you feel good for right now. It is all about you and don't let anyone make you feel bad for that. I don't know the circumstances of your husbands death but no matter what at some point you will go through the what could I have done, what should I have done, what would I have done. I call it the coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome and no matter how much you did you'll probably go through this.

I'm glad you found this site and there will be times when you'll just read and times when you wonder if it's the right spot because when someone new joins us most of us go back to the beginning for a little bit and get sad again. Then you come to that first time you post something that you think maybe helped someone and some healing takes place.

I hope you have some friends and family to help you through this but if not we are your family too. You may find that people desert you like you have leporsy. Know that you are not alone in that either, many of us have gone through it.

So for now just take care of you and if you have questions, just ask. There is NOTHING you can't say here.

[kayc]

Notcoping,

I am so sorry you have been excluded. I'm glad you can console yourself knowing what Bob would feel and say about it...in the end, that is what matters the most. Maybe Bob's spirit will rebel and won't even be present at their "get together for a beer"...I'm sure he'll be with you instead.

About your house, I understand totally how you feel...I lost my job the same year I lost George and it's been difficult trying to keep our home...I may not always be able to, but for now, I'm glad I've been able to so far.

Lostluv,

I'm sorry you've also had to join these ranks, but I hope you are able to glean all the support you need from this site, it has been truly wonderful for all of us here. I wish you the best in your journey.

Kay

[marsha]

Mel - I'm glad you posted. Re what you said on another thread - I know sometimes we think we have nothing to say anymore, nothing to contribute - but that's the farthest thing from the truth. It's when we're feeling the worst when we should talk about it. (although I don't take my own advice as often as I should). You know in your heart what Bob would say, and how he would react to the unkindness of his friends. You know how much you loved each other, and that's what counts. And you're right, sometimes you just have to let it go; the toxic and negative emotions that only serve to bring us down further.

Lostluv - if I could say one thing to you, it would be don't listen to "everybody". Because unless they've been through the loss of a spouse, they really don't know what they're saying - like, how do they exactly know what they're talking about?? I hope you can find comfort here, as well.

Jeanne - this is exactly what I'm saying - you said in your reply what I couldn't quite express, but that's exactly it. It's kind of like I'm not quite of this planet anymore. I've had friends say these kinds of things also, things they never would have said when Joe was alive. "Are you keeping busy? Are you going to the beach? What are you doing for fun??" Oh, Lord, please STFU. What am I, a child now, that I have to be guided or something? Whew, sorry, that just hit a nerve. See what I mean, guys? Venting is GOOD. Hugs to all, Marsha

[mlg]

I can relate to the being left out because Tom's family has really done that. They may invite me but they may as well have invited the homeless man in the alley because that's how they treat me. I have just decided I am not going to go any more because I don't have to put myself through that. I have just told them thank you for inviting me (which I don't mean), but the siblings will probably have more fun without me. Not once has one out of the 11 written, emailed, called or anything else to try to persuade me differently so it pretty well tells me I'm right on target. That's OK because what goes around comes around. They think it was their brother who tried to keep the family together for the last 37 years, but for their information it was me. I know they would never believe that so I don't even say it. Just hang in there. I have finally found a little peace since I'm having almost nothing to do with them and if that's what it takes to help me be happy then so be it.

Jeanne, the problem I have with telling people I'm doing OK, or I'm fine when I'm dying inside is ; why should I have to lie about it. Why can't people accept me for who I am and try to help me through this and not expect me to just be over it. I wish somehow we could change people's attitudes but at least now there are places like this we can come to and be understood.

I don't know what your business is or how big a town you come from but a lot of places have groups who counsel you on how to keep your business going.

Mel - I'm so glad to know that I helped you before and hope this makes you feel a little more "normal" too

[kath]

Not Coping,

I'm sorry you've beem treated so unfairly. I don't know what goes through some people's minds. To exclude you makes no sense at all. I can only imagine what your Bob would have said as my husband's name was also Bob and he wasn't shy about speaking up when I was slighted!

Don't lose hope on the job front. I know how really difficult it all is and totally understand your fears. You are just where you need to be at this time in your grief journey. You keep reaching out to people and sometime soon, someone will throw that lifeline to you, too. Hold onto those beautiful images of the Rockies. (And thanks for reminding me of some of my own.)

In thoughts and prayers,

Kath

(Psst...That computer fix didn't work for me, but for a few minutes it gave me a great glimmer of hope. It was just what I needed to lift me back up. Thank you for caring.)

[Korina]

Not Coping:

I am sorry people are being so thoughtless. I really don't understand how people can be like this. But as you say, it is best not to dwell as it is toxic, and, if they are going to be like that, it simply isn't worth your emotional time and effort to worry about it. And Scott was certainly like so many other husbands described...if someone treated me poorly, he was not shy about doing something about it! Keep Bob's words close to your heart, along with his wedding band (I have Scott's wedding band mounted with a pendant he gave me a couple years ago on a chain around my neck always, too).

Do you perhaps have caring family or friends that you could visit for a few days. That helped me greatly when I was really down in the dumps.

Thinking of you,

Korina

[laurieb]

not coping- I am so sorry that you are having some painful days. We are in a special club that no body wants to be a member of. I find that my friends here and at my griefshare support group are the only people who "get it" Please be kind to yourself. time doesn't heal, God does. We will never "get over this in time" like so many share. I am not leaving my husband behind me and moving on, he has moved in front of me and I am growing each day "spiritually" to understand that he is in the perfect place, free from pain, happy, at peace and I take some comfort in that. Humanly, God, it is hard and so very lonely as he was my best best friend. Without a faith and belief, this entire process is just unbearable. My Grandmother is not expected to make it through the weekend and it is bringing back all that pain like a knife that is making a fresh cut in my heart and soul. So I can understand and relate to your feelings after loosing your grandfather. There are times when I can make it a minute at a time and then there are days that I am ok for several hours. If you have a friend that can come sit with you and help you or have tea together, call and ask. There are some that just don't get it but I hope you have one that you can be yourself with. If not, have tea with us and write. We are all here for you!! in more ways that you realize

lostluv - I does not get better in that short amount of time... it is a hard and a difficult process however the journey can be paved with blessings. We are human and we feel pain even if our loved ones no longer do. You are not only grieving your husband but all your dreams for the future, you present life today and you need to be kind to you!! I hope you have at least one good friend/family member that you can call to be with you. Don't think about tomorrow or months from now, leave that to God, just take it today and do the best you can and please come back and keep us posted. Please know that I take such comfort in all the posts of those that have shared on this site for many many months and years after the loss of their loved one and they have survived...One day at a time.

when I am in such pain i repeat..... I can't, HE can and I'm going to let him!

[deborah ogren]

Not Coping,

I know that in the begining everyone tries to show some kind of support. Friends drop by, the phone doesn't stop ringing. Then it all of a sudden it becomes slow, and the reality begans. It would be so nice if we just could go on and have less pain, and fewer thought.

It will be 6 month on the 19th of Semptember since I loss my parnter Deb. I found myself sitting in the livingroom crying because it was raining outside tonight. Deb was scared of the rain and thunder. As I sat there a memory came to my mind. When the whether was like this, you had to seat in the bathroom with a flashlight and candle till the storm was over. All I could do was smile for a few mintues thinking about her, the rain, and the thunder. Boy what I would give for just one more good moment with her.

I believe when we grieve each us grieve in our own special way. I have a locket necklace of some of her ashes that I wear around my neck. Only the few friends know about it, because it just looks a heart. My dear close freinds (Derrick & Kelly) purchased it from the furneal home after Deb passed. My mother wasn't really happy about this. But I found some comfort with this. After all now it is about me and how I feel. I realize since her passing that the things that use to bother me is only stuff now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her (we were together for 25 years). She had family, but their was no communication with them. I was all she had.

Deb finally called her brother which lives out of state the Jan before she was told that she had cancer in June. They finallly after 25 years started talking once a month. She also called one of her sisters which she hadn't talked with in 20 years. It was as if the circle of her life was going to be alright. I do try to kept in contact with them, it is hard but I know this would be something she would have me to do.

My advice to you is to keep your chin up, because this is all about you. There isn't a time span on greiving. Your true freinds will be there for you, and they won't judge you or make you feel bad. They will be there in the middle of the night, if you just need to talk. They will let you cry, let you talk, and let you just be the person you are. My thoughts and prays are with you. Keep the communciation coming, keep posting, and journaling because it does help us all.

May God Bless You,

Debbie

[Boo Mayhew]

Mel, I am so sorry that people have not been supportive to you. It makes you feel even more alone, I know. As you say, resentment is toxic BUT anger is part of grieving, so go with the flow of your emotions. I hope that your luck changes and that you get employment that you enjoy as that will be your anchor going forward.

Let us know how you are getting on

xx

[NotCoping]

Hi Boo,

I'm just struggling. What can I say? I finally broke down today and called Hospice to see if I can get counseling. I had to leave a message. I think it was right after 5PM, so I don't think I'll get a call back until tomorrow. I just was getting desperate because of the depression. I just don't have anybody right now that I can depend on for help, and I'm becoming debilitated, it seems. I'm not sure what is going on, but it has been nine months yesterday since I lost my husband, and time hasn't healed anything as people say...at least not for me. I was doing better for a while, meaning that I actually started cooking instead of eating frozen dinners, and I began some classes which I'm still in, but I'm falling behind. Now, I just can barely move. If I can get counseling, I'm even dreading the drive two miles over to Hospice. It just seems like some monumental task. Maybe I am crazy.

This board helps me, but I wish we all lived in the same town and I could do things with new friends.

[Boo Mayhew]

Mel, it is a brave thing to do, to ask for help. I don't know why we find it so hard but it is. You have taken the first step and asked - well done because that is an accomplishment in itself. To see beyond the pain and see that you need to do something about it. I can tell you that counselling (along with posting here and being surrounded by the support of everyone here and Marty) has helped me beyond words. I also know that sometimes a simple chore like brushing your hair or putting the trash out can be tantamount to climbing Everest in our minds and that if I shut myself off from people and lock myself away in my house I go into a downwards spiral rapidly. That said, sometimes, we just have to have that time out to ourselves ... it's knowing when to break free from it again and again and again.

I know that it's a big step, but please please go to the counselling. The relief I felt from my first session was PHENOMENAL.

I wonder how many times I, and others, have wished that we all lived closer together, so that we could give each other hugs, socialize, laugh and cry together. One of my blog widow friends suggested that we could name the place "Widowville" ;-)

I am thinking of you and hope that Rascal is giving you lots of cuddles my friend

xxx

[LarrysGirl]

Remember grieving takes everything out of you and most of the time we don't even realize thats whats happening. We think we should be able to take care of the house, job, pets, etc. like before but it just doesn't work that way. I know for the longest time I thought I could still do it ALL and I wore myself out trying to keep everything going as if nothing had changed. We need to give ourselves a break. Yes, some of this is depression from the loss, most of it is the grief and the enormous amount of strength it takes to grieve and survive. Take care of yourself and let the healing take its time. Deborah

[mlg]

Boo

You're right about living close together. That way we wouldn't have to worry about "burdening" any one because we all understand. I am so tired of holding it in all the time. If people would just truly support us and let us really be US, I think we would all "get over it" much quicker. I think the charade just keeps us bogged down in our sorrow.

[Boo Mayhew]

Mary Linda, I think you're right! And we would be quite a force to be reckoned with, united :-) It'd be good just to sit with someone who truly knows what this feels like, let alone talk with them. Do you think you might be able to make "Camp Widow" in August?

x

Boo

You're right about living close together. That way we wouldn't have to worry about "burdening" any one because we all understand. I am so tired of holding it in all the time. If people would just truly support us and let us really be US, I think we would all "get over it" much quicker. I think the charade just keeps us bogged down in our sorrow.